instead of responding correctly I responded out of my hurt .. for that I apoligize

Something really was bothering me about the last post and I couldn't put my finger upon what it was exactly... but I realized that I usually write from this place of incredible peace... I sit down and an aspect of His presence saturates my soul and I go from there.. and from that place I can write whatever it is that I feel upon my heart.....

But within the last post...I could sense more of the flesh and the soul then any truth from the spirit and when I read it back I can sense that and it isn't something I want to put out there..... The words are true and what I wanted to convey was right however I know where I was when I wrote it..........

So instead of giving hope in a message of being yourself and overcoming fear I am saddened that I put out there a tyraid laced with anger and soul..............

That which is written isn't wrong but the heart in which it was written isn't truly who I am.... so this is what I would have preferred to say.... having said that I won't delete the post either for it stands as a reminder to me to be in the right heart and right place and not just react to an incident ....

In the quiet moments of my life... I have seen aspects of that which I am... and there are aspects of that which I love .... elements of personality and sensitivity that make up who God intended for me to become emerge the more I walk into Him and the more I walk into healing that He holds out............

I feel like with all people there was much to overcome to get to this place of tasting freedom and I get frustrated when fear still will find a voice and try to bring inhibition and a sense of lack.....

I truly only want to find my way and become even less inhibited and enjoy that which I am and not wonder if it is too much to write about any one topic from personal past crisis to experiences with my God.... I don't want to wonder what if it is too over the top... I want to not care... I want to walk in such a way that if I feel the Father leading me I will go... but not be careless in the flesh....

I was hurt .. hurt by an insinuation of my character and instead of responding correctly I responded out of my hurt

I do think of that conference I was at so many years ago... I think of what it meant for me to see worship like that... I think of what it has meant for me in more recent past to see other women in worship go forward and be so uninhibited that freedom actually sparks and dances off of them... for their lead I am so very grateful...

I don't want craziness for the sake of itself or to walk in some sort of anything .. experience etc for itself but I don't want to not go somewhere out of fear that I will be rejected or that I will lose relationship because I wanted to go to a place that was beckoning me towards life ......

I want all of what God is willing to do in a moment.... I'm not saying I know what that looks like but I want to not have an interior button that gets pushed because of fear of rejection...... I own that.... no matter what is said or judged by myself or others I own the fact that no one can make me afraid.. that I allow fear in because of thoughts and opinions of man that I find startling when I know what I hunger after.... and it isn't corrupt... it is the fullness of my Father and His Kingdom... and yet the display of that might vary from what one person calls appropriate to another's estimation....

I can't worry about another's estimation...

I can receive from my Father and from others around me correction.... when I knew my Father was pointing out an aspect to my last post I can feel that upon my heart and realize I can't walk in anger and judgement and I can't or shouldn't write or atleast not publish what I write when I am in that place.... I can receive correction ... I can hear conviction...

What I don't want to do is respond to criticism or judgement .... I can not meter out who I am in regards to whether I will be received or accepted........... if a worship service is deemed by another as to be manic or frenzied I can't not call it beautiful if to my spirit it brought forth life........

I know I was angry and I sinned in my anger into the same critical place... how dare another blah blah blah.. I don't want to step back into that place...

I want to live in love... in liberty ... in joy... in freedom... not inhibited.. not constricted by the fear of man....

So I am sorry for putting anger into the atmosphere it isn't something I want to do... I want to walk in quiet places and allow the presence of God to shine forth.... cultural preference is cultural preference and it is not necessarily the same thing as liberty and freedom.... I am trying to find that place.. I am asking those questions of my life... where and what is cultural preference and where and what is beyond that..........

So to the end of walking authentically as who I am without fear and making the choices to not be inhibited by concerns of how I might look.... that is what I set my heart towards... towards loving God and loving man and how that expresses itself through my life