I still wait... I still wait for the resolution most times to come here.... what hope do I leave I would think if I am in the middle and only in the middle do I give people but in reality it is my feeble attempts at self preservation still.... ugh.. when does this beast die....
So I could sense Him walking up to me and He opened up the air for me to see that which these days have looked like... I am so visual that He truly knows the best ways to instruct me.. but of course that is a given...
So still sitting in my house clothes... sitting on the sofa .. trying to focus and get things ready for what we have to do... I just sat there and upon that scenario He enters...
Standing there looking at me and I at Him... He opens these pictures... mirrors that are more like those found in a carnival "fun" house.. "fun" hhhhmmmmm not the term I would use this week.... but I got the picture literally....
Let me back track... I still want to put my strongest foot forward... I still want to look a certain way... what happens when there isn't a strongest foot to be put forward... I begin to hesitate and second guess every step.... every step... I value transparency and vulnerability from a place of strength and so God keeps showing me how much I actually don't value those things.... how much I actually still hide behind ways of self or man...
Seeing all those mirrors... and all the distorted images.. I could see how the different lies I was believing was distorting my life and distorting the way I view the Kingdom and my Father... oh of course when grace and His presence is so abundantly present do those wash away but in daily life outside that overflow of His presence the lack haunts me.... and the lies scream into my ears of weakness and failure...
So in the middle I ask Him for truth.. in the middle I ask Him for the clearest viewing mirror to see as He sees and to know as He knows for all times... to be able to adhere to His reality and His truth no matter... and that is when He said.. "I want you to write this from here.... not from where I will take you but from here...."
I knew I would write this differently if upon the mirror of His heart I came ... I knew the distortions wouldn't hurt anymore.. I knew it would be a place of strength that I would write from.. His strength but strength.... and there was an aspect of His heart that wanted for me to stand within the reality of how distorted my perceptions are.... how weakness and frailty especially within ministry are of utmost importance not to be hidden but to be placed openly before Him....
So I do that... I place my weakness and my frailty... my fear ... fears of failure... fears of inadequacy...fears of the past... fears of the future... fears of being alone... I place the lies I have believed about Him.. and about myself... about life... about living... about ministry all before Him and you.....
I can't suck up anything and deal... I can't put my best foot forward because I stumble every time I attempt that.... I am going to be that which I am.. I am going to walk through sorrow... and trials... and I am going to be weak ....
I am going to be many things.... I am going to be many things in this life and now even now as I enter into all this confession ... the messengers come and I am told to walk this way... and standing there isn't so much another mirror... it is Him... and the realization of that which I am coming to be and all that I am isn't really about me ... for I have died and risen to a new life in Christ.. and when I am weak He is strong and in my weakness His strength is made perfect... in my lack there is no lack when it is with Him... and the distorted images.. and the lies of the world .. the enemy... self.... all melt away when looking at Him...
My soul is weary but in Him I find rest... my strength wavers and yet He will rise me up to be like one who can run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.... I can't hide or be embarrassed by or ashamed of weakness for it is in those very places where He can manifest Himself more fully and then I am displaying Him and His image instead of an image of performance and self preservation... and then people get to see Him and He shines through my life...
I've bought into world systems and ideologies and even lived within ministries where image was most important .. where the way one looks and acts and performs is what is required... but what does God say ... what does He require of me.. to act justly.. to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God..
So humbly I walk into this day... into these moments.. hopefully more and more away from carnival distorted mirrors and into the likeness of Christ
1 comment:
Not caring what it looked like to others was what postured me to gain something in Him that others can no longer influence. His love is better than life.
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