I woke up tonight and was groggy enough to have fallen back off to sleep until.... hhhhmmmm love those untils..... until His hand came and began to paint a picture before my eyes..... until the image of Him next to those that He walked with when He walked the face of the earth filled my mind...... until the voice that penetrates all things and washes away all that is other sounded its sweet sweet notes.....
Such a stark image... such a tremendous thought and I laid there ... hungry for the reality of Him to emerge more in my life.... hunger for Him to be my All and All....
I saw Jesus... and I saw the Pharisee... and I heard the Father...
So much can be done in the name of ministry.. so much good.. and yet lately more and more as I come to Him and sit with Him and linger with Him and ask Him about life and other personal matters ... I hear Him ask me.. do you really want to work for me?
Do you really want to work for me?
What He is looking for me to get is that the answer to that is really no..... no, I don't want to work for Him......
There are countless things that are done and can be done in His name ... in His Kingdom and much effort goes into those things day after day.....
I want definition... I want understanding to that which He is doing and that which He wants... I want a clear set of this is that and this is what I want and go do this... and and and and and.... OR DO I???
Do I want to dissolve my relationship with Him into a matter of tasks..... do I want to know all that there is to know about Him and yet at the end of the day not recognize Him if He walked upon my streets or into my house or in my city......
I want clarity... I want to be safe... I want definition and instruction.. I want to know what to do and I want to feel secure .... I want to see the path and have it laid out and know where it is going and what is expected of me....
So as an employee there are job descriptions... there are roles and tasks and definition... expectations .... standards to measure up to and to be judged by....
Is that what I want?
Do I really want to work for Him?
I crumple to the floor and weep and weep and weep ..... because I can't diminish our relationship to a set of standards... a set of roles.... a set of expectations... I can't diminish this love affair into tasks....
The tax collectors and prostitutes and children got it more than the most learned religious men of Jesus' day... who would I rather be.... one who had studied in the temple and knew all things concerning the law and God and yet in all they knew .. in all they did.. in all the work they performed for God they could not see Him when He walked right in front of them......
I want definition... I want to understand that which is asked of me and that which He wants me to do... and yet it isn't about anything I would think and I get this and then I lose it ... and I let it slip from my fingers because I just want to know where I fit in the scheme of things.....
So where I fit in the scheme of things... hhhhmmmmm...... I am forever and always His daughter... I walk bearing His image.... my job... my tasks.. that which He asks of me.... Love Him.... Love people.... I am a citizen of another place.. an ambassador to that which that place is.... Anything I do doesn't cement that any more or less... that is it... completely..... how that manifests itself upon this Earth isn't really that which matters.....
I'm hungry... I'm pathetic... I'm crazed.... I'm drowning.... I'm lost....
I can't settle ... I try... stupidly I try....... I try instead of surrender... I put human effort into things because of flesh and heart needs instead of just looking up .. instead of just looking up and getting my equilibrium and calibrating it based upon that which He is and always will be...
In confusion and need and sorrow I stumble into a very wrong paradigm ... but I can't live there long... there just isn't much in me anymore that wants to be a performing marionette or a performing monkey... well, God used a donkey to speak and I've seen the marionettes and monkeys of our time..... I don't want to diminish my place in His heart as a daughter so my flesh can be satisfied and have the illusion of stability within some post or position....
A long time ago I bought into an orbital model of leadership and relationship ...a rejection of the hierarchical one that says one at the tippy top of the pyramid and all else exists to support it...
God turns that pyramid on its tippy top and carried the burdens and sins of the world.. how dare man do the opposite in efforts to advance His Kingdom.. and yet they do and we do ... and I do.... ridiculously wanting to know where I belong and where I fit.. I categorize and measure according to false and absolutely stupid (you want a better word... unintelligent, dim, brainless, slow on the uptake, dense, thick, dim witted, obtuse.. that's the Mims version of the amplified blog) criteria.....
Orbital... not about a man.. other than Jesus... Orbital ... dancing in a way of revolutions and relations with one another and God... some planets have greater gravitational pull... moons have a relationship with a specific planet... they revolve around it... some planets have a wider path around the sun then others.... some orbits are shared....
Orbital... about relationship instead of position.... about relationship with God and each other.... being in each other's paths... and I am reminded of Abu Fatima.. from the movie, The Four Feathers... When asked why he is protecting the main character, Harry... He states.. "God put you in my way.."
Put upon each other's paths not to measure or determine worth or placement but to serve and love....
I don't out of a flesh need or a need of the soul want to go to work for my Father.... rather I want the courage to stand as His... flowing with Him... walking naturally side by side to Him.... seeing Him and that which He does.... I want courage to stand within orbits that even at times leave me at the furtherest and most isolated part of the galaxies... or that bring me in close to the heat of the sun... I want courage to allow orbits to bring me close to His people and yet then to swing me far out away... courage to walk around those that I am called to and courage to walk alone..... courage.... not labor... not effort... not work.... relationship...
I bought into an orbital... relational model a long time ago and it changed me and taught me about my Father's heart in a way that made sense... that struck a cord with me and my heart and showed me that all else is more like ants running around this way and that way .... chickens with heads cut off... hhhmmm that is an interesting picture....
Sometimes that happens... He wants me to write it and I think really and then I do and I see it.... the Body of Christ cut off from the head because the members are playing games instead of relating to one another ... cut off from the head... cut off from Christ... the one we say we are doing this all for anyway.......... because we are too busy asking which is more important the arm or the leg....
I really don't want to work for Him.... never ever again...
No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:15
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