Confession time again

It hasn't even been two weeks..... and yet my life feels turned up side down....

A friend came into town... someone I hadn't seen in a long time... someone who reminded me of who I truly was just by the fact that he lived his life open to that which the Lord said and did no matter what it looked like....

I want to put a few disclaimers here... just feel like it is important to do so whether it is or it isn't I'm not sure but my flesh wants to and so I am.... My friend doesn't look for weird things to do or be... he just is... he allows the Holy Spirit access to his life and becomes a stunning vessel of that which the Lord wants.... He moved in an uninhibited way allowing the Spirit to move this way and that way and without reservation spoke of the things he has seen and experienced....

I had stopped doing that.... I had allowed portions of my heart to be shut down out of fear... fear of failure... fear of rejection... fear.... sure did I share... yes.. because I value transparency and vulnerability as a core belief of my life but I had walked into the choice of it ... the decision to do it and had lost the spirit of it and the freedom of it... the joy of it.... I would make the choice towards relationship.. towards vulnerability time after time but my heart had become detached from the process.....

Whether it was from feeling rejected or coming to a place of listening to the lies of the enemy within all the interior questions.. I made a decision to shut down and move away from that which I believe is a huge portion of the overflow of who I am....

But then I came face to face with spending a day with our friend... and he stirred a hunger back into me unlike I have known in a really long time... his freedom and his willingness to go out onto the edge ..out further and further inspired me and I knew I needed to repent....

So I did... I repented for shutting down.. repented for truly not liking aspects of that which the Lord had put into me... not wanting to be an "oddity" and wanting to fit in I had closed my heart and my eyes towards the very life the Lord had wanted for me.....

I don't think I have ever seen the affects of repentance happen so quickly... I can't remember moments where I lived out what it was like to basically turn the switch back on.... and it actually come flying back on....

I guess I had more bought into the thought well if you shut it down.. its off and you have to crawl 1000 miles and climb some sort of stairs and do this or that... for anything to ever happen again.... where here... in this season.. I looked to my Father repented for shutting down the way He made me... and that I would be willing to see and hear and experience that which He wanted me to.. I would be willing to risk and step out there when I wasn't sure but to trust Him... and since that Wednesday not even two weeks ago.. I have walked back with my Father in ways that I had truly missed... and I learned yesterday that He missed it too.....

So I see and I hear and I know things.. not all things but things... and I see colors dance around people and hear different sounds around them and feel them even when they are miles and miles away.... and there are times that different places are hard for me to walk in and out of and yet I realize it isn't about any one express or aspect of the overflow... I realize that it is all about my Father and I walking together and doing all that I see Him doing and being all that He created for me to be.... and not hindering that flow whatever it will look like and trusting Him in all that is to come....

So I confess that I began to walk into a performance of "vulnerability and transparency" but had left my heart behind.... had really left me behind and that wasn't pleasing for our Father for me to do that or for any of us to do that.... in repentance and rest I have found my salvation and I am walking forward not as a servant or even as a child... but as a daughter.. growing up into the things of her Father....

I love you Father... Your mighty right hand reaches out and rescues me from all the schemes of the evil one and You lead me to quiet and still places .. through valleys .. into the mountains.. and beyond.....

I love you Father for Your love is amazing... and it is life.. and I can walk boldly and confidently before You all the days of my life.. together.... there is no better thing I could think of....