It truly can't be any other way

It is touchable and knowable and the more I enter into these places the more dim the things of this world seem...

The opinions and thoughts of men in the light of His affections and in the knowledge of His love fade from my mind and my concerns...

Citizenship and identity of a daughter... Ambassador... New creation ... There are many things I am that I never was... So many aspects of a Kingdom home that I trust myself to and lean into and embrace... 

So much to see .. To learn ... To hear and feel upon my person.....

I am the most at Home within His affections.... When the light of His presence surrounds me as solid pillars and within them I live and move and breathe.... 

It becomes less and less about what there is to see and hear and touch and know and it becomes solidly about us... And in those moments when it is as if all else ceases to exist that I am with Him and He is with me that I find delight as it was always intentioned to be

Enter into the delight of God... Where He is all and everything ... Truly the alpha and omega ... Beginning and end... Cultivating being aware of Him at all times is changing the way I live my moments and I wouldn't   have it any other way...

I had never fully seen it that way before but it left me all the more in love with Him

This season of my life has opened up doors and closed others... He has opened up doors to Himself.. His life.. His grace.. our Kingdom Home... our Place.. those things that are the most intrinsically who and what we are ..... My eyes .. My being... have been fed and have drank deeply of rivers from a place so familiar and so near and yet so other....

Tonight as I lay speaking with Him.. a picture of one who would do harm towards me came to bare upon my person... harm.. what is it that I mean by that... sadly it is mostly out of lack of understanding that we bring to bare upon the hearts of others harm... words.. jealousy.. envy.. they truly bring harm to those that they are spoken and or acted out upon...

But tonight He offered this whole interaction as a picture for me.... in a place of intimate awareness of Him.. I saw another and I saw that which was in their heart... a place that needs Him.. needs His touch ... but in not having had it it offers a place from which harm can flow forth from....

My heart sunk and in the reality of the situation I could feel the sting of that which was coming forth... and then ... then He looked at me with this look in His eyes that I have rarely seen but yet have seen it before on occasion .... and as He looked at me He placed Himself between the person and I and He spoke of how He stands in the in between.... that I had nothing to fear... and I watched as that which came forth from the other person fell upon Him....

I sat in that place... I stood behind Him and watched Him as the imagery of the strong tower and the fortress and the walls came to life.... as all that was intended to land upon my heart landed upon His and He bore it... and it was done...

I realized in that moment that while in that moment He was the Fortress between me and that which was intended towards me... that I had stepped into that place and had landed upon Him and His person and His heart the same type of assault... that in actions and attitudes and thoughts that came up against another He had stood between me and others... and my heart broke as I looked upon Him in a whole other way.... as I saw my impressions of sin upon His person .. that He had taken for me... and I saw in His eyes a love so tender and so true that I began to understand His plea..."Father... Forgive them for they know not what they do.."

Oh Jesus... sweet sweet Lord these roads You walk me down as of late are ending up upon my heart and my being and bringing forth an awe born forth from seeing You and Your ways through Your love and Your sacrifice.. and Your grace.... I grow quiet inside and a settled nature and deepening trust forms as I stare into those eyes of Yours and watch You watching Me...

I love You.. You are completely awe inspiring and beyond that which words could ever describe.... my affections for You and our Father and The Spirit flow forth and in quiet solitude I kneel before You so full of Your flowing river of love .. so grateful for that which You are.. and for that which You walk forth in my life... so blessed by You... so loved by You... so in love with You...

Placing my hand into the outstretched one You hold out to me I feel Your strength and I know Your love and affections .. and this birth of quiet trust is growing and I am ever so very grateful... Your faithfulness is astounding and I am one who is truly grateful... so very truly grateful....

I walked in afraid of the judgements and I left a new creation

There I was standing in front of them .. these huge dark wooden doors... deep settling breaths filled my soul as they opened... I knew where He would be.. I knew where they would be.. but I had no idea what the message of the moment was....

Doors opening and to my right sitting in old court house type box sitting ... row upon row they were there... I looked at them as they watched me approach and one smiled and waved and I knew her.. I knew her well... next to her sat the others.. and I swallowed hard as I realized who was all that was sitting there...

There were those sitting there that I would have said that I had betrayed by my immaturity... or lack of stepping out... there were those sitting there that could have laid charges against me but that wasn't what this moment was about.. and still I was not fully sure why I was standing where I was standing in this moment.... I looked at that box of people sitting to my right and there was only pleasure pouring forth from them... joy.. abundant joy.... they were the ones who more than anyone could lay charges at my feet and yet all of a sudden instead of looking at me they were looking up to the front of the room as He entered and took His seat...

I looked too...

There He was... with a book open upon His stand.. looking down and reading .. I could tell He was reading account after account and yet I couldn't tell what it was that He was reading and I was concerned for I knew not what the accounts were from... and I knew who was in the room with me... and so I just watched Him as He read and read and read..

Then He shut the book and the energy that flew into the room and the joy and excitement of those sitting there was so palpable that it was like they wanted to jump to their feet and shout and applaud and yet they constrained themselves for they knew more than I did... they knew He was about to speak...

He looked at me.. sitting up there in His seat.. He looked at me and all I saw was joy and delight and compassion and love and mercy.... He began to speak and stopped as He watched me watching Him... He got up and the hush in the room increased and I felt like I was spinning as to try and take in all the reactions and that which was going on ...

He got up out of the seat and took off His robe and stepped down and around and He was walking to me... He got up to me so close that I didn't even dare to breath.. but still He held my gaze... His hands went up to my shoulders and power and heat and life and victory and amazement passed into me... all at the same time... and He stood there looking into my eyes and I looking into His...

By the time He began to speak I felt like I was in another place all together and for a moment we had .. we had left the court room and were standing in the meadows that I love so very much.... we were standing there and His hands were upon my shoulders and His delight with us being together was intense..... I knew His pleasure in the truths that were entering my soul and were staying there... He had fought a long time to create those places in me and His deep pleasure in His work and in my life surrounded me with song and scent and tenderness and majestic beautiful lights.. all that whirled around but His hands upon my shoulders would have made me dizzy... but His strength was what I stood with and His delight fell upon my person in a way I had not fully experienced before...

"We must go back.." and as He said it we were again standing in front of the risers of people and He turned from me and put back His robe on and took His seat...

He then began to speak and as He did all the truths that I sort of knew.. the truths that I had wanted to know... the truths that I believed but didn't know filled the air and He spoke of how there was no guilt present and the people erupted in cheers... and He spoke of how there was nothing more to be done.. that it was finished ... and He stopped and waited for all to quiet down and He looked at me and leaned towards me and caught my gaze up into Him.. fully into Him and He spoke of His love and how He had loved me with an everlasting love and how His delight was within me and How I could live... live knowing His love and His favor and His affections

I had walked into a room full of those that could have laid the most horrific charges at my feet and instead of being condemned I was freed... freed from guilt... freed from shame... freed from pain and confusion and fear... freed and blessed into a life of full of tender loving mercies that flow forth from His every day... and full of a heart that knows Him... a heart whose capacity was grown to receive His truth of His mercy and His love and His grace...

Standing there before my judge and those that could have condemned me I saw my life through newer eyes and my mind changed ... I could feel within my being a capacity to hold truth in a way that was not there before and to grasp and to comprehend....

I had entered the chamber and then feared for lack of knowing that which was going to happen and yet as I felt the times together drifting away and coming back to my room a new life coursed throughout my arms and my being and a smile formed upon my face as my eyes closed as I remembered once again how very loved I truly am....

Because I am me I need to write this... while these moments are so very precious to me and while I fully love my times with the Lord .. these moments are not just unto me and my prayer is that we would all know how wide and deep and high and long is His love and that we would all enter into these moments and moments like these with our God.....

In these moments I am transformed and within His heart beat I am made new..... be made new every day... within His shadow may we all reside.. and within His resting places may we all be made new... and within the knowledge of the fact that His eyes are continually upon us may we find the joy of our maker and delight in that joy together...

Amer.... and amen

all He had to say was I want you to write this and I got up

I still wait... I still wait for the resolution most times to come here.... what hope do I leave I would think if I am in the middle and only in the middle do I give people but in reality it is my feeble attempts at self preservation still.... ugh.. when does this beast die....

So I could sense Him walking up to me and He opened up the air for me to see that which these days have looked like... I am so visual that He truly knows the best ways to instruct me.. but of course that is a given...

So still sitting in my house clothes... sitting on the sofa .. trying to focus and get things ready for what we have to do... I just sat there and upon that scenario He enters...

Standing there looking at me and I at Him... He opens these pictures... mirrors that are more like those found in a carnival "fun" house.. "fun" hhhhmmmmm not the term I would use this week.... but I got the picture literally....

Let me back track... I still want to put my strongest foot forward... I still want to look a certain way... what happens when there isn't a strongest foot to be put forward... I begin to hesitate and second guess every step.... every step... I value transparency and vulnerability from a place of strength and so God keeps showing me how much I actually don't value those things.... how much I actually still hide behind ways of self or man...

Seeing all those mirrors... and all the distorted images.. I could see how the different lies I was believing was distorting my life and distorting the way I view the Kingdom and my Father... oh of course when grace and His presence is so abundantly present do those wash away but in daily life outside that overflow of His presence the lack haunts me.... and the lies scream into my ears of weakness and failure...

So in the middle I ask Him for truth.. in the middle I ask Him for the clearest viewing mirror to see as He sees and to know as He knows for all times... to be able to adhere to His reality and His truth no matter... and that is when He said.. "I want you to write this from here.... not from where I will take you but from here...."

I knew I would write this differently if upon the mirror of His heart I came ... I knew the distortions wouldn't hurt anymore.. I knew it would be a place of strength that I would write from.. His strength but strength.... and there was an aspect of His heart that wanted for me to stand within the reality of how distorted my perceptions are.... how weakness and frailty especially within ministry are of utmost importance not to be hidden but to be placed openly before Him....

So I do that... I place my weakness and my frailty... my fear ... fears of failure... fears of inadequacy...fears of the past... fears of the future... fears of being alone... I place the lies I have believed about Him.. and about myself... about life... about living... about ministry all before Him and you.....

I can't suck up anything and deal... I can't put my best foot forward because I stumble every time I attempt that.... I am going to be that which I am.. I am going to walk through sorrow... and trials... and I am going to be weak ....

I am going to be many things.... I am going to be many things in this life and now even now as I enter into all this confession ... the messengers come and I am told to walk this way... and standing there isn't so much another mirror... it is Him... and the realization of that which I am coming to be and all that I am isn't really about me ... for I have died and risen to a new life in Christ.. and when I am weak He is strong and in my weakness His strength is made perfect... in my lack there is no lack when it is with Him... and the distorted images.. and the lies of the world .. the enemy... self.... all melt away when looking at Him...


My soul is weary but in Him I find rest... my strength wavers and yet He will rise me up to be like one who can run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.... I can't hide or be embarrassed by or ashamed of weakness for it is in those very places where He can manifest Himself more fully and then I am displaying Him and His image instead of an image of performance and self preservation... and then people get to see Him and He shines through my life...

I've bought into world systems and ideologies and even lived within ministries where image was most important .. where the way one looks and acts and performs is what is required... but what does God say ... what does He require of me.. to act justly.. to love mercy and to walk humbly with my God..

So humbly I walk into this day... into these moments.. hopefully more and more away from carnival distorted mirrors and into the likeness of Christ

Forever by my side

All of a sudden I was in a meadow... With grass that was up to me knees... My eyes were closed and I walked with  my hands upon the tops of the grass...  The sun was warm to my flesh and a gentle breeze swept in from the right 


A Lion met me there and we walked together... And I felt protected


As time passed I no longer saw the Lion and I walked along by myself for a while...


The air thick with beauty and life... Solid as if a substance to walk through and yet not anything that actually touched my skin but I could breath it in and breath it in deeply I did


I came to a place and I just laid down and was hidden within the grasses of the valley...  Birds flew overhead... There were melodies that just filled the air and still the air hung thick with Him... His presence saturating the entire place and He was the very air that was being breathed in....


I sat up propped up with my arms
Outstretched behind me and my hands upon the soil of that place... It was rich and dark and moist and full of life and
it was cool to my touch


In this place I just lingered and time and times drifted away from me...  Altered by sitting there and not wanting to move


I could smell Him before I could see Him and I laid back down and closed my eyes and took in the fact that He was near and that He approached...  The air hung even thicker with His presence and the melodies that filled the air in the sweetest of songs just continued to flourish and tell the story of His arrival

Without opening my eyes I sat back up and I knew that as I would open them He was going to be there and I kept them closed for but drank Him into through ever pore of my being... If that makes sense...  I knew that as soon as I opened my eyes it would begin and I knew I needed these moments to set myself at rest...


He broke the beautiful silence with the words.... " In my Father's house..." and He continues to speak and I still kept eyes closed and just listened to His magnificent voice speaking over me...

He knelt down and beaconed me to look up at Him and as I did my heart burst with an agony of understanding that while these moments were being granted I was still so called to walk upon the earth and that the fullness of time when moments like these would not just be moments but would be everything was still off in the distance

"Walk with Me," He spoke and lifted me to my feet...  He took my hand and a sweet silence fell between us and we walked and walked and walked...


Favorite places of mine that He had shown me before .... Places where we had sat at other times...  Then we came to the falls... One of my absolute favorite places and upon the rocks we sat...


I was finally able to look at Him... Tears streaming down my face  because His love and tenderness was just so manifest and so beautiful and so full of life that I just soaked in every moment...


I knew what He was saying and I received the strength He was pouring out for the journey .....  And then they were there... Singing and worshipping Him  and then He was gone ... And I was back aware of my car and where I was but full.... Full of His affections ... Full of His love ... Full of the understanding that upon walking this life out I would have joy and laughter and sorrows and trials and life ..... And life....  but amidst all that would come and all that would be done I would have Him forever by my side...

Living daily life undone by His affections and watching life change before my very eyes

He really did come to give life and abundant life at that... And these days I am learning all the more about what that means .....


There is a quality of life that being loved by Him offers... In it's simplicity the results are profound.... It isn't showy or fantastical rather it is a solid peace ... A resting in affections so deep and true and real that I'm left different upon every interaction....


A place where I am free to live and breath and journey... A place saturated by the love and affections of my creator ...


Not a place devoid of trials and the effects of living in the world but a place of life where amidst all that which we encounter here doesn't have a grip upon us because hidden within Him we are sheltered in His affections

In Your gaze I have been found... In Your embrace I've been made whole... In Your life I have found life and I will never be the same ....

I sit across from You and I watch You tell some of our stories....  I could sit with You forever...



I love Your remember whens .... I love how you see moments that have passed between us.... I love how in listening to You share them I see that they were so very meaningful to You not just to me....



I sit in awe of You... Your kindness... Your generosity of Spirit... The way You lavish Your attention and affection upon me.... I could never express what living in Your shadow does for my heart but with You I don't have to... 



The strength that You impart to me... The way You love me... The way You so perfectly take care of my heart and my life... How You shelter me within the folds of Your affections



These days and times that seemingly separate us are nothing... And that separation is so barely in existence at times.....  My attentions so drawn up upon You.... My heart full of You.. 


I could sit here forever... Laying, kneeling, sitting, being in Your presence .... So very captivated by You and Your invitations to walk with You and know You...


Going for walks with You upon the shores of Heavenly landscapes .... The way You acquaint me with my truest home and the places in Your heart...


Becoming acquainted with the fact that these times set Your heart ablaze as it does mine.... The fact that You are as jealous over these times as I would be and how You long for them to be stretched out .....


Within these times I come alive unlike anything I have ever known .... Within these times I get lost within You... Sitting back soaking it all in..  


Oh Father how I long for the days where no longer is there anything that separates us and these times can go on and on and on and on.. Without thought of interruption.... 


In Your gaze I have been found... In Your embrace I've been made whole... In Your life I have found life and I will never be the same ....

He has placed those within my days that show me the reality of my Father's Kingdom here on Earth.. I am moved beyond words and blessed by your lives

I just wrote this post that I entitled to that end I walk though I do not know the way... and as I pushed the button for it be come upon my blog... the world opened up upon my heart.....

I sit as a child before His throne.... I sit there and I recline back upon that which He is.... I release myself towards Him and fall towards Him and lean into Him....

There are many ways within His Kingdom that I am unaware of.. and there are many roads that so many others know how to walk better upon....

There is so much that I am not... but in realizing all that I am not I have begun to see who it is that I am.... and while in the company of others I could see lack instead I am beginning to see inheritance... and Him.....

There is so much that I am not... so much I don't know.. so many times I listen to someone speak or marvel at how someone thought through something and I tilt my head and look in wonder of the beauty within that person who is in front of me... but instead of thinking of what I lack I marvel in the capacity for God to knit together a community of strengths and weaknesses... and I am becoming very comfortable with my weaknesses especially when I am with those that are strong in those areas.... I marvel at how the Lord places the parts of the body together and I marvel at the times when it works.... When love and relationship triumph over jealousy and comparison and insecurity... I marvel over when one is weak and one is strong there is not domination but a sharing of selves and of hearts so that all involved can be strong and I am grateful... I am ever so grateful to part of a people who do this ever so well... I am ever so grateful to have living examples of this in my life who have grown me up in the ways of the Father and His son that I get to see Him in them.....

I don't want to play make believe or pretend or any kind of game within my Father's house... rather I want to dance and walk and swirl and twirl and laugh and enjoy one another... for those one anothers who are bringing so much joy to my heart I could not ever express enough gratitude for you... you are showing me the reality of the Kingdom here on earth and I am so so so very grateful

to that end I walk.. though I do not know the way

In the quiet of the night when the places we live settle and the evening enters into its time I have been left alone with thoughts and wonderments and ideas and feelings that run deep into my heart and deep into my being....

It is these moments when all is quiet... when we are with ourselves that those places within us emerge.... there are places with that emerging that forever go untalked about... we couch our fears within intellectual thoughts or ideas ... we defuse our emotions and try to place reason upon our fears... our dreams... our passions...

These moments and those places are where I am after exposing within myself... embarrassingly so... but I am going to be relentless with myself to get to the place where light is shining within me... I am hungry to release the shadows and the cobwebs that linger within....

I want to step into a place of honesty and boldness while being submitted... I just don't want to cower in fear anymore... I would rather express the intimate thoughts that live within my heart and my mind then ever deal with the what ifs I had said this or that.....

Granted this isn't to everyone... this isn't even here... although dear reader you get me raw as much as anybody with the exception of a truly minimal few.....

This season is so very interesting to me... it is an emerging .. a time away from the caterpillar and yet the proverbial butterfly while maybe in the process of emerging has just only begun to fly... stretching its wings and realizing that it is no longer an earth bound creature.... learning the new paradigm of living... learning the new capacity for life....

I have got to trust Him.... I look up at Him and then close my eyes for I know Him in my heart.. I don't have to see Him.. I know Him and while there is still a tendency to mirror upon Him and His authority and rule and reign over my life the shadows of what other authorities and relationships have perpetrated unto me I resist that urge to believe those things about Him more and more.. I resist the urge to doubt or to fear more and more... more and more I am realizing how much I really truly know Him and that I can place my life into His hands and trust Him ....

There are those that fear and so they cling to what they know... there are those who fear and so they never try.... I have known fear.. but I don't want to hold onto something that God has done because I don't know what He will do next and I don't want to not step forward into new things just because they might fail....

I'm in this place where I am just about to see the river bend and I truly don't know what is beyond it... but He knows all my days... He knows every single one of them and in that I can trust Him .... In Him I can hope .. for even if the days ahead look utterly different than what I thought or hoped them to be I know that He has known them and that He will never leave me nor forsake me

In Him I can rest... I can rest because while I may only have the faith of the mustard seed or while I might be a smoldering wick... He is faithful and true to see me through this journey until the moment it is over and hand and hand for all eternity we will never ever again be apart.....

to that end I walk

He was giving me my "no" .... and I would like to say back but I don't ever think I had it

Two blog entries with this whole "no" thing... but I'm not backsliding... if anything my heart is being pursued and my life is being thrust into the deeper waters of my Father's affections...

Let me explain a few things first... this blog began truly as more of an open diary than anything.... a feeling that the Lord wanted me to move into vulnerability and transparency in a way that would be freeing for me and as well as any others who decided to come along for the ride....

It has been interesting for me to see what I used to call transparency and where the Lord has taken me and what He has shown me... I'm a very open person so I'm comfortable with realizing that that which I walk through and have been through could be helpful if shared... or so I thought... this month however I hit several walls in this journey... one of which was the understanding that I was still navigating my way around the intimate secrets of my heart and bypassing things that I believed the Father would ask of me to share.... the second was a whole realization of how much I still guard and protect and decide to share and navigate around... ok so they sound like the same thing and maybe they are... let's just move onward

So in the last week I have had two experiences where in each of them the word "no" erupted out of me with anger.... One was towards a friend and the other was towards the Lord...

Today while I was walking through the aftermath of my experience with the Lord I felt Him say that He was giving me my "no" .... and I would like to say back but I don't ever think I had it ...

A child of control and abuse there isn't a time that I can think back to in life where I had a no and used it in a healthy non manipulative way.... But this morning as I lingered in the aftermath of the encounter with the Lord His tenderness was evident and the hand of my Father was upon my person...

I felt like He was saying I had a "no"... I felt like he was saying that I could use it and won't miss out... that I could use it as I looked at a situation.. and I could say no I don't want to go there... no I don't want to see that... no I don't want to do this....

There is an interior liberation in this whole thing.. and with it has come this other level of transparency... within interactions with others and in conversation I have found a footing that I have never had before and a confidence that was never resident within my heart....

We aren't of those who shrink back.. we are of those that can boldly approach the throne of grace where our Lord sits.... but how often had I shrunk back and how often did I not walk boldly towards Him.... or others for that matter...

Very early on I became a pro at reading the atmosphere (the enemy's counterfeit to the Lord's authentic) and very early on I became timid and would only enter into dialogue or relationship if I felt the waters that had been tested where safe.. and often ... very often I just withdrew... withdrew from others.. from life.. from myself... or walked in such anxiety that I felt like I was looking out of someone else's eyes and watching life instead of participating....

There are all these things being stirred up inside my heart and I don't truly know how they will all pan out but I am enjoying my days and times more... I feel empowered by my Lord in a way I don't think I have ever felt ...

I'm beginning to think that for now for me a "no" isn't actually a negative thing... it is a matter of life....

I look up and see Him staring at me and smiling.. and I know that I know that He knows I won't misuse it... but today I relish in the gift of my "no" .. it truly is a gift that I am delighting to have and to begin to walk in... a trusting of my feelings and thoughts... and yet an understanding that I will know when to use it and when to submit and when to fully place my heart and life into a yes... I'm thinking my yes is more of a yes now and I am yet to grasp the fullness of all that but it feels really right inside my being and the love and grace of God are ever evident...

To the glory of our God and to the wonderful aspects of all that He gives.... He is beautiful and wonderful and I am grateful ... grateful for such an incredible God... grateful for how incredibly He leads us....

My "NO" startled me in that I wasn't aware of how deep it ran... but my no became His opportunity

There are moments where the nature of the Lord come so shining through that my heart just fills with His marvelous affections and I am undone....

This morning as I sat giving my daughter a bath one such moment occurred...

He entered the room... and in my heart arose this emotion of that I didn't want to see Him and I didn't want to hear Him and I didn't want to know He was there... I was angry with Him in a way I wasn't even aware of....

I pretended to ignore Him but that doesn't really go very far with Him... and then the questions...

Can I talk with you... He asked... now one might think you know Him to be Jesus... you know that it is Him without a shadow of a doubt ... there really is only one answer... but my heart said NO....

He stood there silently and I turned to look at Him... my heart not hard but hurting and I looked at Him as such... and the look back was so full of mercy and compassion and love...

Can I come sit with you.... again I said No....

And my heart continued to break with anger and sorrow against Him... so much heaviness upon my heart that I could barely look up at Him and yet there He was...not leaving... not moving away...

Aren't you going to leave now... isn't this the place where You leave... where because of my decision you leave... and then I'll have to run after you once I realize the folly of my ways and I won't be able to find you... isn't this that...

And all He said was no and He sat down on the floor.... not any closer than He had been but not any further away either...

And the room began to fill ... fill with His presence....

And I looked over at Him and in silence we sat... but it wasn't silence like I had known .. it was quiet.. it wasn't awkward... it was beautiful and life giving... and I continued to stare at Him as His head was bowed.. and I watched and I watched...

Then from His heart He spoke and those words flowed over me like living waters full of life and peace and sweet deep joy.... His understanding of all the depths of my soul astounds me over and over again... not like surprise but delight... I am known and accepted and within Him there is no place that that isn't true.... no matter what... no matter what I find myself in and no matter what I would ever do... that is His heart... we sat there in silence for a long time... and the room just filled to a place where the weight of His presence held me ...

"Now" He asked.... and with barely a whispered yes I fell into His arms... and there we stood Lord and Savior and the desire of His heart.... we are the desire of His heart.. our fullness.. our life is His only desire.... that we would walk with Him and in Him and know Him and His Father .. that is His heart's desire...

No performance.. nothing to obtain to.. it has all been done....

I looked up at Him and then laid my head upon His chest and melted into all that He granted.... and warmth and strength entered my being and it was well with my soul....

Confession time again

It hasn't even been two weeks..... and yet my life feels turned up side down....

A friend came into town... someone I hadn't seen in a long time... someone who reminded me of who I truly was just by the fact that he lived his life open to that which the Lord said and did no matter what it looked like....

I want to put a few disclaimers here... just feel like it is important to do so whether it is or it isn't I'm not sure but my flesh wants to and so I am.... My friend doesn't look for weird things to do or be... he just is... he allows the Holy Spirit access to his life and becomes a stunning vessel of that which the Lord wants.... He moved in an uninhibited way allowing the Spirit to move this way and that way and without reservation spoke of the things he has seen and experienced....

I had stopped doing that.... I had allowed portions of my heart to be shut down out of fear... fear of failure... fear of rejection... fear.... sure did I share... yes.. because I value transparency and vulnerability as a core belief of my life but I had walked into the choice of it ... the decision to do it and had lost the spirit of it and the freedom of it... the joy of it.... I would make the choice towards relationship.. towards vulnerability time after time but my heart had become detached from the process.....

Whether it was from feeling rejected or coming to a place of listening to the lies of the enemy within all the interior questions.. I made a decision to shut down and move away from that which I believe is a huge portion of the overflow of who I am....

But then I came face to face with spending a day with our friend... and he stirred a hunger back into me unlike I have known in a really long time... his freedom and his willingness to go out onto the edge ..out further and further inspired me and I knew I needed to repent....

So I did... I repented for shutting down.. repented for truly not liking aspects of that which the Lord had put into me... not wanting to be an "oddity" and wanting to fit in I had closed my heart and my eyes towards the very life the Lord had wanted for me.....

I don't think I have ever seen the affects of repentance happen so quickly... I can't remember moments where I lived out what it was like to basically turn the switch back on.... and it actually come flying back on....

I guess I had more bought into the thought well if you shut it down.. its off and you have to crawl 1000 miles and climb some sort of stairs and do this or that... for anything to ever happen again.... where here... in this season.. I looked to my Father repented for shutting down the way He made me... and that I would be willing to see and hear and experience that which He wanted me to.. I would be willing to risk and step out there when I wasn't sure but to trust Him... and since that Wednesday not even two weeks ago.. I have walked back with my Father in ways that I had truly missed... and I learned yesterday that He missed it too.....

So I see and I hear and I know things.. not all things but things... and I see colors dance around people and hear different sounds around them and feel them even when they are miles and miles away.... and there are times that different places are hard for me to walk in and out of and yet I realize it isn't about any one express or aspect of the overflow... I realize that it is all about my Father and I walking together and doing all that I see Him doing and being all that He created for me to be.... and not hindering that flow whatever it will look like and trusting Him in all that is to come....

So I confess that I began to walk into a performance of "vulnerability and transparency" but had left my heart behind.... had really left me behind and that wasn't pleasing for our Father for me to do that or for any of us to do that.... in repentance and rest I have found my salvation and I am walking forward not as a servant or even as a child... but as a daughter.. growing up into the things of her Father....

I love you Father... Your mighty right hand reaches out and rescues me from all the schemes of the evil one and You lead me to quiet and still places .. through valleys .. into the mountains.. and beyond.....

I love you Father for Your love is amazing... and it is life.. and I can walk boldly and confidently before You all the days of my life.. together.... there is no better thing I could think of....

The Marble Floor:upon the Marble floor I had landed and yet into the chambers of His affection I was being made whole...

His hand had penetrated my skin.... my spine was in his hand... I could feel his hand closing in on my spine and the bones crushing under the weight of his hatred and force... I couldn't look at it... I could feel its hatred.. I could feel its grip.. I could feel the exacting cold of its being having come from where it had been... every time an aspect of it touched my flesh I gasped away from it ... within its torturous grip I could feel a paralyzing aspect of its presence and its tentacles whipped around and lashed out at my heart and my mind....

I lay there in my bed and my left foot went numb...

panic and dread began to fill my heart along with trails of thought of where I had failed.. where I had lacked.. where I had missed the proverbial mark...

Jim was out of town ... in the middle of the night I laid there ... in bed..

confusion.. sorrow... fear.. swirling around the air and the screams of our enemy were in my ear.... lies about what I would never be.. never have... of who I was...

trying desperately to pull out of it and yet the grip on my spine had reached my heart and I could barely breath...


I couldn't move and fear was so tangible that I might as well of been like a cripple... both in body and mind.... and then I could feel this dense coldness fill my heart and my mind and the room swirled and it felt like the enemy of my soul was going to win this round...

Lacking the capacity to push back and not really understanding how dense the atmosphere was with lies.. some which had even been overcome but tonight.. in those moments .... their chains felt more real than I knew what to do with.. and I was being pulled down ... as if having been thrown off a row boat in the middle of a lake I was sinking.....

I know it sounds like a crazy vision.. but for me it was as if I was living every moment.... and the pressure to act in accordance to that which surrounded me was great.... make a decision based upon lies... make a decision based on the torment.. give into the temptation to believe that which was being spoken....

I honestly don't remember the moment.... gasping for air... struggling to physically move... lying their paralyzed by fear and alone... I didn't even open my mouth to utter His name... I didn't even turn my gaze upon Him... I couldn't make heads or tails of where my head was.... or even where I was to tell you the truth...

But then...

And here is where I could weep and weep and weep...

But then...

I couldn't even call out His name.. couldn't look... couldn't reach out beyond the fog to gain my footing back...

But then...

But then.... My feet were upon a glistening beautiful sparkling white cool refreshing marble floor.... and all around me was His house.... and I just stood there and stood there and stood there.... and crumbled to the floor..... and sobs racked my body and I shook ...

But then... He was taking me into His arms... and there were angels all around and they were singing the most beautiful of songs and the lyrics and the notes filled the air and filled my being and poured into my soul..... and they were like the ancient balm of Gilead but being applied through songs into the depths of all that I am.... and the whole grouping of us started up the stairs..

I knew where He was bringing me ... I knew where we were going and I began to weep all the more and just turned into His chest and wept and wept ....

and as we entered the chamber I gasped for He ran to me... He ran to me.. He got up and He ran to me ... as if I was being brought off a battlefield and placed right into His arms..

He ran to me and as He got to me .. He paused and I turned my head towards Him and His gaze... the room filled with the magnificence of His love.. Without word or demand the room filled with aspects of which I am unable to string words together as to explain....

He had desired it and so it was... the room was filled with a rose like hue and it became like a dense fog and breathing that in was like breathing in a million gentle breezes filled with the lushness of the most perfect meadow in spring time....

They knelt there together on the floor ... Father and Son... Father and Brother....

gently they laid me upon some most incredible piece of fabric.... and the songs of the angels filled the chamber and yet they seemed so distant ....

I looked up and I watched them ... their love... their strength... their power ..

and yet power seems like the wrong word because while it was there it was not about that... it was as if the most brilliant light bulb in the world was purposing itself to be not so bright...

the power wasn't overwhelming...

it was just complete authority... complete authority to take all and everything into His hands not for crushing but for life and in those moments under His hands I was made so completely new that the air that filled my being was as if the first breaths I had actually ever taken.....

His hand now upon my back.. my gaze upon my Lord as His gaze was upon His Father... and above us stretched out as a canopy was the most sheer piece of fabric.. and it was as though it was like the banner of love... dripping from it was a substance like honey dew... and it was cool and refreshing to my flesh... and I began to breath more consistently once again on my own.... and yet His hand was upon my Heart and upon my back I could feel its warmth....

Each movement adding back strength.. adding strength that was never there... adding to me Him... His love and His truth and His strength... upon the Marble floor I had landed and yet into the chambers of His affection I was being made whole....

I want to overcome all those thoughts that say what will it look like.... and hope instead it will look like radical obedience ....

I've been thinking about so very many things in regards to the demonstration of the Kingdom of God and the movements of our Father .... I've thought about the Pharisees in the days of old and thought about how they operated around Christ.... Here they had the living God ... God in flesh dwelling in their midst and yet they couldn't grab a hold of that reality...

They had a structure ... an exterior adherence to the law .. to religion .. to performance.. but they didn't see it that way.. they had the way they thought they should follow.. they had been trained up in it... they had spent their life "knowing"? about God...

If I sit and think of them ... I get quiet these days....

Would I have recognized Him?

would I have seen in Him the Lord I was taught to worship and know or would I be upset that there were those breaking rules and traditions ... Would I have followed even after the hard things He had to say or would I have cowered out in lack of understanding....

What edge does He call me to? What place does He hunger for me to walk into? Where would He lead?

In the heart of being honest I am going to share an experience I had recently.... I was worshipping and Jesus as I know Him to be present was standing by my left side.... The reality of Him being there was stronger than anything I had felt in a long time.... but even with that... even with all that I knew that was happening I hesitated.. I hesitated in doing what I knew He wanted me to do....

Why? Fear...

As time as passed since that moment I have thought a lot about who I want to be and where I want to live in relationship to my Father's Kingdom... and it is not in fear....

I want to live where He wants me to.... I want to live where He has called me to... I love seeing and hearing and sensing Him... but I want to love to do anything and everything that I would know that He would call me to.... regardless of what it looks like.... regardless of what I look like...

There was a saying a while back.. a conversation being had about the choice to choose respectability over the anointing.... and I'm hungry .. hungry to see Him move.. hungry to the point where I'm caring less and less about what it will look like and just wanting Him.....and willing to overcome fear to grab a hold of my Savior's hand and be led by Him ... for where He leads that is where I want to be...

I'm not wanting a demonstration for the sake of a demonstration.. I wouldn't steal from my Father like that... but I will walk and do that which I see and know.... I want to overcome all those thoughts that say what will it look like.... and hope instead it will look like radical obedience ....

I am my Father's daughter... and that is what I want to be.... I want to bear His image and have His presence upon my life in a way that brings Him honor and glory.... hoping not to have to spit in mud but if it means another is healed I will listen and obey.....

here is to living a life of that looks like that of a citizen of Heaven

but waiting upon You I always will come back to... A dialogue between us

Sitting on the bank of the river... jeans rolled up to my knees ... feet splashing in the water rushing by... perfect day.... and then You came and made it amazing....

What are you looking at You asked me.... hhhhmmm love Your questions.... love them because like the parables there is more truth in them than could be held in any answer....


It wasn't the river I had been looking at... it wasn't the sky.... oh I was now.. I was looking at the river now and closing my eyes and feeling the refreshing waters sweep over my feet but I hadn't been looking at the waters... and as You had approached and sat down... I knew that was what was upon Your heart ....


Your strength along side me wasn't chastising me for looking at wrong things.. just the tone of Your voice.. the look of Your eyes... the tenderness in Your touch was wanting to lift burdens that I had granted placement upon my shoulders to....

And then You straightened up... not stood up but in Your movement You towered over me.... look up was what You said...... look up.... Calling me back to remember Your face.... calling me back towards only looking towards You....

I have allowed the cares of this world and the aches of my heart to distract... I have allowed them placement in the front of my life.... instead of sitting and pausing long enough .....

but wait upon You I always will come back to.....

I can't by my worrying add anything to today or tomorrow.... You said that already.. just quoting You....

And then You just sat there quietly... ever so quietly.. in the quietness that grew between us .. so did a strength that I remember and seemed so familiar.... so tangible... so palpable... and I rested... and You so brilliantly removed the weights I had carried that You had never assigned.....

Laying back in the banks of the river.. I couldn't see Your face as the light of the sun shone through the trees and obscured Your smile .. in these moments You truly refresh my soul.... and in these moments I realize how much You absolutely delight in doing so.....

Lord You love me so well... thank You for Your grace... I could stay here forever and one day I will.....

And religion fell off me all the more.... outreaches that made a difference... outreaches that changed us as much as they changed those we touched....

They could hear me speak of the Lover of their soul.... the creator.... they could hear me pray that the eyes of their hearts would be enlightened to the most glorious of truths.... they could hear me pray that the Healer would apply the ancient balm of Gilead to their hearts and that it would soak into their inner most being and seal the work that The Most High Spirit was doing within them on that day.....

Hundreds of people being ministered to ... being met where they stood and it not being demanded of them to be pushed into a decision that they couldn't even understand..... people being wooed... being loved... being served...

If I was called to an African country... what would I need to do? I would need to learn their language... their customs... the way they lived their daily lives... I would need to become like them and show them worth and value and not demand my own way.... not demand that they become like me... but enter into their world and become like them as to show them that which I wanted to show them.... The love of God... The heart of the Father... hhhhmmmm sounds strangely familiar..... becoming like them as to show them the way......hhhhmmmm :)

So outreach after outreach we learned our way... we learned to watch each other's backs and how to pray over each other after encounters... we learned that the language we speak inside the church didn't necessarily translate but that there were words that could mean the same thing and speak the same truth and that would reach behind the walls that people put up and grasp ahold of their hearts and leave them changed...

We learned that obviously salvations were amazing but that while that was the hunger of our hearts if we instead held fast to the truth that Paul spoke of .. one waters... one plants... one ... one... one that if we left the person closer to knowing God that was truly a life giving moment...

The Engle scale as it was also taught by Wagner and Wimber became our model... if negative 10 was no belief in God and zero was salvation and the positive numbers represented a life of a disciple being grown into a Christ like life..... then it was truly ok if our encounter took the person from negative 8 to negative 5.....

It was truly an amazing thing to be a person in someone else's life that broke through the barriers of what they believed a religious person or a Christian to be...... time after time we learned that grace and mercy really do triumph over judgment and that love and peace and tenderness confounds the wisdom of this world....

We learned what it meant to be like Christ and meet people where they were and woo them towards love and acceptance instead of religion.... we learned how to answer critics who said we weren't willing to mention the name of Jesus and then Jesus wouldn't mention our names to the Father...

Seriously I was told I was going to hell because I used the word Redeemer and The Way and was able to gain entrance into hearts that wouldn't have opened with the name of Jesus but became wide open when calling Jesus the Redeemer.. and the ultimate truth and the One who loved them and called them before the foundation of the world even began......

We learned when it was time to ask if they wanted to meet the one who had knit them together in their mother's wombs and if they wanted to meet the Alpha and Omega... The One who was the beginning and the end.... The Word who became life and dwelt with man...... uhm isn't that straight from the gospels...... and we learned when we were just there to plant a seed of hope or water seeds of encouragement already there.... we learned to walk in love and not results.... we learned... oh we learned so many things...

We learned their ways and we learned a language that would speak to their hearts and I think we were the ones who were left more changed ...

when we let our religious guard down and walked with them.... walked with the tax collectors and prostitutes of our day.... without judging their lives or their ways we learned to love.... and in loving we were turned inside out and left more like Him who laid His life down for us so that we could learn the ultimate ways of life and the most narrow spiritual path that actually is the highest calling in the spiritual realm..... we learned from the Lion and Lamb... we learned from the one who bore the government upon his shoulder, from the one who is the Wonderful Counselor, from the one who is the Prince of Peace...

We learned to get out of the way... we learned to allow God to be God... we learned that people are people and that the results are to be left into the hands of the one who is far more capable and far more able.... whose ways are higher than ... whose ways are not our ways.... We learned so many beautiful things as we exited religious predetermined methods and grabbed a hold of the fact that we can't be what stops the message... not our words.. when we learned that the very essence of who Jesus is makes people hungry and thirsty... who He is draws people to Him... and His name is oh so many things that we never got confused with who we were talking about... and we trusted that He was strong enough to make it clear when the walls didn't come all the way down.....

We learned to love... to trust... to serve... to care.... .... In those days I learned more about the Kingdom of my Father than in many times prior and I was changed and my walls came down... and religion fell of me all the more

Do you really want to work for me? Interesting question when it is spoken from the Lord

I woke up tonight and was groggy enough to have fallen back off to sleep until.... hhhhmmmm love those untils..... until His hand came and began to paint a picture before my eyes..... until the image of Him next to those that He walked with when He walked the face of the earth filled my mind...... until the voice that penetrates all things and washes away all that is other sounded its sweet sweet notes.....

Such a stark image... such a tremendous thought and I laid there ... hungry for the reality of Him to emerge more in my life.... hunger for Him to be my All and All....

I saw Jesus... and I saw the Pharisee... and I heard the Father...

So much can be done in the name of ministry.. so much good.. and yet lately more and more as I come to Him and sit with Him and linger with Him and ask Him about life and other personal matters ... I hear Him ask me.. do you really want to work for me?

Do you really want to work for me?

What He is looking for me to get is that the answer to that is really no..... no, I don't want to work for Him......

There are countless things that are done and can be done in His name ... in His Kingdom and much effort goes into those things day after day.....

I want definition... I want understanding to that which He is doing and that which He wants... I want a clear set of this is that and this is what I want and go do this... and and and and and.... OR DO I???

Do I want to dissolve my relationship with Him into a matter of tasks..... do I want to know all that there is to know about Him and yet at the end of the day not recognize Him if He walked upon my streets or into my house or in my city......

I want clarity... I want to be safe... I want definition and instruction.. I want to know what to do and I want to feel secure .... I want to see the path and have it laid out and know where it is going and what is expected of me....

So as an employee there are job descriptions... there are roles and tasks and definition... expectations .... standards to measure up to and to be judged by....

Is that what I want?

Do I really want to work for Him?

I crumple to the floor and weep and weep and weep ..... because I can't diminish our relationship to a set of standards... a set of roles.... a set of expectations... I can't diminish this love affair into tasks....

The tax collectors and prostitutes and children got it more than the most learned religious men of Jesus' day... who would I rather be.... one who had studied in the temple and knew all things concerning the law and God and yet in all they knew .. in all they did.. in all the work they performed for God they could not see Him when He walked right in front of them......

I want definition... I want to understand that which is asked of me and that which He wants me to do... and yet it isn't about anything I would think and I get this and then I lose it ... and I let it slip from my fingers because I just want to know where I fit in the scheme of things.....

So where I fit in the scheme of things... hhhhmmmmm...... I am forever and always His daughter... I walk bearing His image.... my job... my tasks.. that which He asks of me.... Love Him.... Love people.... I am a citizen of another place.. an ambassador to that which that place is.... Anything I do doesn't cement that any more or less... that is it... completely..... how that manifests itself upon this Earth isn't really that which matters.....

I'm hungry... I'm pathetic... I'm crazed.... I'm drowning.... I'm lost....

I can't settle ... I try... stupidly I try....... I try instead of surrender... I put human effort into things because of flesh and heart needs instead of just looking up .. instead of just looking up and getting my equilibrium and calibrating it based upon that which He is and always will be...

In confusion and need and sorrow I stumble into a very wrong paradigm ... but I can't live there long... there just isn't much in me anymore that wants to be a performing marionette or a performing monkey... well, God used a donkey to speak and I've seen the marionettes and monkeys of our time..... I don't want to diminish my place in His heart as a daughter so my flesh can be satisfied and have the illusion of stability within some post or position....

A long time ago I bought into an orbital model of leadership and relationship ...a rejection of the hierarchical one that says one at the tippy top of the pyramid and all else exists to support it...

God turns that pyramid on its tippy top and carried the burdens and sins of the world.. how dare man do the opposite in efforts to advance His Kingdom.. and yet they do and we do ... and I do.... ridiculously wanting to know where I belong and where I fit.. I categorize and measure according to false and absolutely stupid (you want a better word... unintelligent, dim, brainless, slow on the uptake, dense, thick, dim witted, obtuse.. that's the Mims version of the amplified blog) criteria.....

Orbital... not about a man.. other than Jesus... Orbital ... dancing in a way of revolutions and relations with one another and God... some planets have greater gravitational pull... moons have a relationship with a specific planet... they revolve around it... some planets have a wider path around the sun then others.... some orbits are shared....

Orbital... about relationship instead of position.... about relationship with God and each other.... being in each other's paths... and I am reminded of Abu Fatima.. from the movie, The Four Feathers... When asked why he is protecting the main character, Harry... He states.. "God put you in my way.."

Put upon each other's paths not to measure or determine worth or placement but to serve and love....

I don't out of a flesh need or a need of the soul want to go to work for my Father.... rather I want the courage to stand as His... flowing with Him... walking naturally side by side to Him.... seeing Him and that which He does.... I want courage to stand within orbits that even at times leave me at the furtherest and most isolated part of the galaxies... or that bring me in close to the heat of the sun... I want courage to allow orbits to bring me close to His people and yet then to swing me far out away... courage to walk around those that I am called to and courage to walk alone..... courage.... not labor... not effort... not work.... relationship...

I bought into an orbital... relational model a long time ago and it changed me and taught me about my Father's heart in a way that made sense... that struck a cord with me and my heart and showed me that all else is more like ants running around this way and that way .... chickens with heads cut off... hhhmmm that is an interesting picture....

Sometimes that happens... He wants me to write it and I think really and then I do and I see it.... the Body of Christ cut off from the head because the members are playing games instead of relating to one another ... cut off from the head... cut off from Christ... the one we say we are doing this all for anyway.......... because we are too busy asking which is more important the arm or the leg....

I really don't want to work for Him.... never ever again...

No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. John 15:15

Commanding my soul to remember....

Things we see change us and who we were prior to the event is gone..


As we wait for those events to process themselves into our beings we await the becoming

No longer who we were... Not yet who we are to become

More questions then answers 

Answers that cause us to fight battles whether or not we were ready


Answers that demand growth and the growing pains that come


Answers that aren't answers at all but are more and more and more questions 


I'm ever so grateful for the fact that He is that which I stand upon.. His unchanging being... The consistency of who He was and is and always will be


Into that understanding I place all of me... Into Him...  


Willing to not know oh so much as long as I know Him ....  


Into that which He is I venture and into that place He will restore my soul and I will not want... I will lay down in pastures green and lush and I will sit at a table in the presence of my enemies and I will not be afraid... He will walk with me through shadow lands full of death and emerge together we will.... And His goodness and His mercy will follow me ... They will follow me all the days of my life


I am His... There will never be anything else I will be that will ever trump that and I command my soul to acknowledge the greatness of that which that means.. His.... Forever.... Always.... His

a blind man's walk...............

There are seasons where it feels like I am more at the computer's keys then naught... and yet there are times where more recently I don't see the words.. or hear the phrases and so away from here I stay....

You don't need to know that which I would say on my own.... my thoughts swirl on oh too many topics and my head is full of too much that needs interpreting....

So within the days that lack the floating words or phrases or impression to sit down and place fingers upon keys and allow the letters and words to form under them as I see Him move them... I usually stay away from this place..... to me it would be presumptuous for me to think that there are things of worth that I could just conjure up on my own that need to be said by me.....

I am not a theologian nor am I scholar... I have had times and experiences and a life and I have a willingness to live aspects of those before people when I think He is showing me where and when it would be beneficial to do so....

but more and more these days I am very aware of who I am without that..... I'm not saying that there is a huge discrepancy in character... or in moral choices barring His active presence upon my flesh... but what there is is an awareness of the frailty... the awareness of the lack... the awareness of that which I am solely because of His graces that He pours out....

Not in condemnation nor in self - deprecation but in an understanding that I am different when not dwelling within His presence.... I realize that the Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence really has become to me the air I breathe.... that which I must live.....

For me the clarity that comes as His daughter... as one who belongs with and to Him comes in those moments and in times where I take that seriously and I find myself in a place where my perspective is solidly positioned in that direction.... and then ... well, then all the thoughts that spin in my head and all the things that rest on my heart melt away.... they melt away in the light of Him and His truth and His grace...

One would think I would be wiser.... One would think that if I know these things to be true I would not ever budge from that place....

But the tossles of this life akin to those winds and waves upon the sea get to me and if I don't purpose to rest... I find my feet falter and my head spin with all the possibilities and all the what ifs..... and then finding that equilibrium amongst so much noise gets difficult.....

So today so far away from thinking I was going to write... I hear His voice.. His whisper.... I don't like writing from this place... I like writing from the place that comes after here... the place where His presence comes and things whether they are resolved in the natural or not are resolved because in Him there is always resolution and peace.....

But there is a process I believe within writing today ... a process that is only expressed in weakness... an expression that only comes from a soul that is weary and tired... that is that which He wants articulated.....

Under the presence of God the assurances bring boldness ... without that I walk there only in faith... and in that place of my faith being sured up in areas I get to find where there are the weaknesses... where are the places that the lies of the enemy... the flesh.. the soul can land and not be pushed away easily....

So I seek to remain within His presence.. Hidden under His shadow... resting under that which He offers... seeing the wind and the waves as His agents to build my faith... not agents of destruction but of sanctification ....

When that isn't there I am left... looking for Him and waiting upon Him .. realizing that these are the days of trusting Him even amidst so much that doesn't make sense ... these are the days walking with Him and knowing that though His presence isn't tangibly felt it is not any further away then when His graces allow me to be so abundantly aware of it....... and so abundantly wrapped within it...

I am always wrapped by Him... surrounded by Him.... hidden by Him and always is He aware of me and knowing me... and loving me.... these are the days where I choose to believe all that He is... these are the days where all that I am and all that I'll ever be and all that I ever was gets to walk ... gets to walk blindly... full of trust though I know not the way..... blindly I follow.... oh how good it would be to know where... and what.... and how and when.... but regardless... regardless of all of that .. He is that He is.. and I am His.... and He is my God ... My Lord.. and these are the days that I display that I know that .. that intrinsically and with all that I am... I know that...

Villians aren't really some drawn comic book character

I want to say I have waited to write this... and then this morning I woke up to hundreds of remembrances... yes hundreds.. no exaggeration.... Before diving into all that I first want to say that I am grateful to have in my life people who realize the higher aspect of the Lord's ways and that our thoughts and ways are lower and I am grateful to those people because they pull me up towards Him... and there is no greater gift one could ever give....

So this morning as I was barely awake I was reminded... I was reminded of the time I went into a diner in Manhattan and got to talking to the waitress ... it was a few years after September 11, 2001 and as we talked she shared how she and her extended family were raising 4 nephews and 3 neices for they had lost both their mother and their father....

I remembered driving by those park and ride places and having been told that police officers were now putting chalk marks on tires to tick off the days that those cars weren't being driven away because there was a possibility of their driver having been killed during the attacks on the towers....

I remembered how much I loved driving the FDR (the highway that runs the west side of the City) and as I got to lower Manhattan and would look up and see that incredible skyline... well it is still incredible but there is a hole in the middle and I remembered today that day after day when we lived in Brooklyn when I would drive that road and get to that place I was always filled with gratitude because people flocked from all over the world to see it and I could see it every day... every day....

I remember driving down a highway and seeing the highway sign flashing that all bridges and tunnels into the City were closed ( we were living in New Jersey 15 west of the George Washington Bridge) and I thought in all the years I had lived in and around the city (for as a child my parents had lived in NJ as well) I had never seen such a thing...

My mind went to the thought that maybe the President is in town but then quickly dismissed that idea because the whole City isn't closed down when that happens....

I remember pulling up into the driveway and watching as my husband ran out of the house desperate to get to me to tell me that one of my really good friends was ok... He was so nervous I would have heard something about the mornings events and knowing my friend worked on the higher levels of the towers I would have made the conclusions that she was gone.. but she had called him (that is a whole other story I might get to here but it was incredible that which happened in her life the night of September 10th....)

You see I had tried to call Jim once I saw the highway signs but there was no getting through.....

I remember being in West New York.. which actually is in New Jersey... West of the Hudson River .... and seeing the West Side Highway vacant... no traffic on a highway that you can imagine how busy it is.... at all times.... but except for emergency vehicles it was barren....

I remember how mega malls near us were like ghost towns because of the threat of anthrax...

I remember driving through Teaneck, NJ and seeing military type dressed individuals looking and checking every car....

I remembered this morning how a friend had shared how another mutual friend of ours ran ... ran for his life as those towers began to fall... and watched as shards of glass fell and cut off limbs and killed people right in front of him.... and how running in that place was running through puddles of blood... I remembered hearing that story.. how do ever forget....

I remember how quiet the skies were as we were in the flight pattern of Newark airport and how there were no planes in the skies...

I remember hearing about the family that was aboard one of the planes... a mom, a dad, a child, and a new baby on the way to see grandparents for the first time since the birth... I remember that story some ten years later... seriously... the thought of one whole family gone... gone.... and that is only one story...

With all the people we knew in and around the area.. it was quite amazing that while they suffered great loss that day I did not.. I did not lose one person..

But my friend who had worked in those towers but had called my husband to say she was ok... she worked late September 10th based on a teaching my husband had taught on knowing your productive cycles of work.. and she had gotten into a place where she was getting a lot of work done and so she worked late with the thought that she would go in late...

She woke up to a phone call.. someone wanting to know if she was ok... as the phone rang and she answered it and began a conversation.. she turned her head in time to watch the second plane hit the building she would have been working in.....

A team from our church went in in the days that would follow and she went with them.. and the pictures that plastered the surrounding walls all around ground zero were filled with pictures of people she knew... she could barely walk two feet without seeing another photo and knowing the person within it....

We saw heros that day... men and women who ran into the building who would never come out... people who stayed on those top floors with coworkers who were in wheel chairs and couldn't get down... we heard the stories.. we saw the effects... the smoke rose from that place day after day after day and the most magnificent skyline was changed forever.....

This morning all of these and more flooded my heart and my mind.....

We saw heros that day and we learned the names of people who hated us... people who hated us and wanted us dead... people who were enemies to the United States and her citizens.....

I am not a pacifist... I'm not... I have friends and family who serve this country and serve her well.. in foreign lands away from family and friends... individuals who have laid down their lives for the freedoms that we enjoy.....I value them.. I appreciate them.. I am grateful for them....

And the quest to kill the leader of those attacks was accomplished... and I was left grateful... I was left grateful.. grateful he was gone.. grateful he was dead... grateful for the resolution that would come for the families... though the towers are still gone and loved ones are still gone .. I can appreciate that this is a huge milestone .. and that is an incredible understatement

And here is the but... I can't ... I simply can't imagine the moment when I stand before my Lord .. that moment in time... eternity.. when I stand before Him and realize in a way and a depth I had not ever before how completely other He is and how I can only stand there acceptable in Him because of His son.... That in that moment I am received seeing Him and His grace not because of anything I have ever done but because of Him...

That awful and incredible moment when some will for all eternity take His hand and be known by Him and love and be loved by Him forever and ever and others He will have to hear Him say to "I never knew you..." and live the consequences of those truths..


How can I rejoice over a death of a villain who will have to hear those words... How can I rejoice over the death of one who was made in the image of God and turned his heart and his mind and his life away from the intentions for which he was created and became a man who could kill and cause so much harm.....


So I am grateful .. grateful that this villain is gone... I am... I am grateful he can do no more harm...

And I am grateful for the heroes... the men and women who died that day and in the days since .. here on American soil or abroad... I am grateful for their stories.. and their hearts and their actions of service....

and I am grateful... grateful for a Savior who saw me and while I was an enemy and a hater of my Creator.. my God.. He died for me... and gave His life for me... so that I could know Him... so that we could all know Him....

instead of responding correctly I responded out of my hurt .. for that I apoligize

Something really was bothering me about the last post and I couldn't put my finger upon what it was exactly... but I realized that I usually write from this place of incredible peace... I sit down and an aspect of His presence saturates my soul and I go from there.. and from that place I can write whatever it is that I feel upon my heart.....

But within the last post...I could sense more of the flesh and the soul then any truth from the spirit and when I read it back I can sense that and it isn't something I want to put out there..... The words are true and what I wanted to convey was right however I know where I was when I wrote it..........

So instead of giving hope in a message of being yourself and overcoming fear I am saddened that I put out there a tyraid laced with anger and soul..............

That which is written isn't wrong but the heart in which it was written isn't truly who I am.... so this is what I would have preferred to say.... having said that I won't delete the post either for it stands as a reminder to me to be in the right heart and right place and not just react to an incident ....

In the quiet moments of my life... I have seen aspects of that which I am... and there are aspects of that which I love .... elements of personality and sensitivity that make up who God intended for me to become emerge the more I walk into Him and the more I walk into healing that He holds out............

I feel like with all people there was much to overcome to get to this place of tasting freedom and I get frustrated when fear still will find a voice and try to bring inhibition and a sense of lack.....

I truly only want to find my way and become even less inhibited and enjoy that which I am and not wonder if it is too much to write about any one topic from personal past crisis to experiences with my God.... I don't want to wonder what if it is too over the top... I want to not care... I want to walk in such a way that if I feel the Father leading me I will go... but not be careless in the flesh....

I was hurt .. hurt by an insinuation of my character and instead of responding correctly I responded out of my hurt

I do think of that conference I was at so many years ago... I think of what it meant for me to see worship like that... I think of what it has meant for me in more recent past to see other women in worship go forward and be so uninhibited that freedom actually sparks and dances off of them... for their lead I am so very grateful...

I don't want craziness for the sake of itself or to walk in some sort of anything .. experience etc for itself but I don't want to not go somewhere out of fear that I will be rejected or that I will lose relationship because I wanted to go to a place that was beckoning me towards life ......

I want all of what God is willing to do in a moment.... I'm not saying I know what that looks like but I want to not have an interior button that gets pushed because of fear of rejection...... I own that.... no matter what is said or judged by myself or others I own the fact that no one can make me afraid.. that I allow fear in because of thoughts and opinions of man that I find startling when I know what I hunger after.... and it isn't corrupt... it is the fullness of my Father and His Kingdom... and yet the display of that might vary from what one person calls appropriate to another's estimation....

I can't worry about another's estimation...

I can receive from my Father and from others around me correction.... when I knew my Father was pointing out an aspect to my last post I can feel that upon my heart and realize I can't walk in anger and judgement and I can't or shouldn't write or atleast not publish what I write when I am in that place.... I can receive correction ... I can hear conviction...

What I don't want to do is respond to criticism or judgement .... I can not meter out who I am in regards to whether I will be received or accepted........... if a worship service is deemed by another as to be manic or frenzied I can't not call it beautiful if to my spirit it brought forth life........

I know I was angry and I sinned in my anger into the same critical place... how dare another blah blah blah.. I don't want to step back into that place...

I want to live in love... in liberty ... in joy... in freedom... not inhibited.. not constricted by the fear of man....

So I am sorry for putting anger into the atmosphere it isn't something I want to do... I want to walk in quiet places and allow the presence of God to shine forth.... cultural preference is cultural preference and it is not necessarily the same thing as liberty and freedom.... I am trying to find that place.. I am asking those questions of my life... where and what is cultural preference and where and what is beyond that..........

So to the end of walking authentically as who I am without fear and making the choices to not be inhibited by concerns of how I might look.... that is what I set my heart towards... towards loving God and loving man and how that expresses itself through my life

I submit to becoming that which He wants me to become....I will not apologize for those things that make me who I am...

I will not apologize for those things that make me who I am...



If anything I will become less inhibited .... If anything I will walk towards the edge even more with boldness and confidence 



I will share in painful honesty about my person and I will share in open transparency that which I see and perceive and feel



I'm not afraid of stretching the boundaries and learning that some are definitely more made by men's fears then reality of God's yes or no



I remember a time many years ago ... Almost ten... Eleven years ago when I was entering into a new level of freedom and understanding and at one meeting in particular I was so released into who I was becoming....


  That meeting was judged and examined as being way over the top by some ... Some described that meeting with words like cult like frenzy and I would describe it as the most brilliant worship I had seen up until that point....


I can't be but who I am and while I at times allow fear to bring into question all the what does it mean thoughts ... At the end I must walk this out...


I'm not talking about being weird or over the top for the sake of that but I'm not ever going to apologize ever again for being me and being created with the preferences that I intrinsically have within my person...


I truly only want to become even more unencumbered and uninhibited .... I truly only want to dream more of all the possibilities of what our God can do and not be those who shrink back...


I repent for this... Being afraid of being myself and wondering if it was good enough...  Being afraid or concerned what others might think and making decisions based on that.... I repent for metering out who I am and what I believe and in so doing apologizing for who I actually am within my actions....


And I declare to my soul that I no longer want to belong more than I want to walk with God and be who He created me to be.... Regardless of what I might even think myself ... I have to choose Him and how He wants to move in and through me and my life 


 Again I must place my favorite Nelson Mandela quote here...


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking
so that others won't feel unsure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in every one.
As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


I must choose Him... I must choose life... I must choose courage ... I submit to becoming that which He wants me to become