Wow... who would of thought saying " He is simply a jerk" would change as much as it did

"Really? Really" I was furious.... furious... maybe that doesn't even describe it... tears streamed down my face as I started screaming ... oh my poor friend...

I was in a prison of my own making .... well.. of my own making because I own my choices... no matter what happens in life... truly.. no matter what happens ... our choices are our own... and I had made a series of very bad choices and my heart was quite hard... full of bitterness.. anger.. disillusionment... frustration.. pain... I had closed off avenues of grace and was drowning but didn't even fully realize it....

So my friend had started to ask questions... and vile was just pouring forth out of my mouth... truly I do not lie.... I wasn't checking anything I was saying ... I wasn't restricting myself... I was tired... done... exhausted of putting up any front.... and out of my heart my mouth spoke... doubts about God.. anger towards God... realizing I had walked to far to deny Him... understanding I knew too much to even contemplate whether He was really who He is.... but so full of hurt... too many dreams bashed against rocks ... too many hopes deferred.... my heart was really very sick

So to one of my friend's questions I had answered... "He is simply just a jerk.." speaking of the one who he had asked me about... no it wasn't Jim.... those were other conversations ... that prompted my dear friend to contact another mutual friend who would show up at our house with the cavalry not to long after... :)

I thought I was being generous in my assessment ... I thought I was being kind and good with my words... well, I thought many things... but all of them were wrong....

So out of my mouth the words came... "He is simply just a jerk.." what my poor friend didn't know was that the second those words were out of my mouth the Lord brought to bear a conviction so sudden and so strong that not just the shock of it but the force of it opened my heart and out of it spilled the poison that was killing me.....

Tears started to run down my face as I started to scream at the top of my lungs towards the heavens... "Really... Really... You're going to convict me for simply saying he was a jerk when between You and I ... You know... You know... You know all that happened... You know everything and You're going to convict me.... " Fury... absolute fury... pain... heartache... anger.... rage... tears... it all came

He was right to convict me.... not that I would have seen it in those moments or even beyond them but I do..... I was so wrong.... and He used a moment to expose and break open the rock hard state of my heart..... the poison of unforgiveness and judgment had brought me to a very dangerous path and my heart was dying and yet I was living a veneer ... I was barely breathing ... I was drowning but I was walking proudly forward instead of surrendering and humbling myself and admitting that I needed help... so willing to sit in my assessment of right and wrong...

If I were to pinpoint a most pivotal moment of time it would be that moment.... that moment started a series of events that has led me to sit where I do today..... it brought in repentance and it brought in the cavalry of sorts.... dearest friends rallied around that man's phone call (that I think he made shortly after that car ride) and entered into our life.... and if I look back upon that day in that car to this day sitting at my computer... I stand in awe of all that the Lord has done.....

This was maybe one of the first steps towards the life I live now.... letting go of religion.. even though I wouldn't have said I was religious.. I was operating out of a performance mentality... WHICH by the way only leads to death... one can't perform enough... etc etc etc.. totally another subject... but we will leave it at that....

I left what I thought was the "right" way to walk with God and leapt into the unknown.... left identity in gifting behind.... that is one of the weights that lays on the road somewhere behind me.... left the burden of caring what others would think..... weight after weight fell off as I journeyed forward from that moment to this one....

my life isn't without its complications... the days aren't without their problems... but I am different... He took a heart dangerously close to becoming a stone and made it mush ... and I am glad.... I'll live like a mush any day..... I'm not afraid of being wrong or of making mistakes... I'm not afraid of what I'll look like or all the what ifs that come .... If any concern would reside it would be that I don't ever allow circumstances or situations to bring about a heart of stone within me ever again.....

Life abundant truly comes when we adhere to that which He asks of us.... my favorite passage right now that so fundamentally and basically sums it up... would be found within Colossians 3... I'm stuck there people... simply not a bad place to be stuck....

Here it is again... from the version found in the Message

Colossians 3 (The Message)
Colossians 3
He Is Your Life
1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.