There are Things that Just Stink... plain and simple... can't think of any eloquent words or phrases other than that

my thoughts are all rambled tonight and the lack of sleep I am sure does my constitution no good.... but here I am...

the old Vineyard song streams through my head and heart ....Pour Out My Heart

Here I am,
Once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry,
You are listening
No matter what state
My heart is in

You are faithful
To answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful


A child will learn how to walk... step by step they will put one foot in front of the other....

How does one walk in transparency and vulnerability when those places linger in the air and so much surrounds them at times... so many questions... so many thoughts.... hunger... desire.... transparency and vulnerability come with a cost.... moments at a pretend stop sign... I want to stop ... put up walls... put on a face... play the game... act my part.... but then I wouldn't be myself... I can't compromise these areas even if it would be for my own safety or comfort.....

Today I witnessed a beautiful thing as a people celebrated their history together and it was a marvelous sight.... but here it has stirred me and stayed with me all day and it is now three in the following morning and I am awake... Between learning about heritage and watching it unfold before me I have been so extremely blessed....

I have grown in the last few months such a deep appreciation for all that the puzzle pieces that have brought me to this moment and yet last night all that is within me is saying be sensible ... go to sleep.. don't write anything you will regret... and so I have tried... I have tried to go to sleep... only to get back up again and be faced with this laying upon my heart..... and so I write this....

I write this for me .... for whatever..... I write it because it is an ache upon my heart tonight ... saying no more then that which is written ... but saying it... I write this though because He is so very faithful and He hungers for truth in the inner most parts and there are aspects to this walk that just plainly stink at times ( I guess it needs to be revised with sleep in my being now in the morning.... but I won't just the word... maybe sad.. maybe painful... )

.. more than not ... maybe it is just to say.... I understand the way things are but I think that it stinks.... and I wish it were not so..... I wish love triumphed more often than not.. I wish that brothers and sisters could journey always upon the same roads and that there would never be a detour.... I wish I knew how to walk those detours better... but I don't and my heart aches... I wish I was wiser... I wish I had the words to say that would remedy things that might just not have a remedy in this life and that is just the truth... there is a time and a season to mourn and I do... I mourn what was lost... I mourn and anguish at times over things that could have been or over things that truly just stink.....

I have rich heritage in the Lord... I have been taught by some amazing people... I have been led by and taught to lead by some truly anointed men and women ... their faces play upon the landscapes of my heart and my mind all day today and into the night...... while at times it has been my immaturities that separated us .... sometimes it was yours.... and love that needs to cover wasn't able to manifest.... maybe there will be a time.. maybe there will be a place... I trust in seasons... a season for this and a season for that.... and I know that there will be a day when there won't be any more detours but we will stand together ... worship together... laugh together... if not this day .. if not this season... well, I know that there will be one if not here ... there.... for the Lord delights in unity and while a child at heart would love to think it is as simple as that... I understand that there are seasons for detours.... it just stinks sometimes...... maybe more than just sometimes......