There is weakness and then there is weakness.....

There is weakness and then there is weakness.

I'm grateful for those that have written and shared their stories. I have found comfort in reading Nouwen and others, they make me feel so not alone. There are days I can read their words and days I just get angry at them. Days where they make the most sense and days where I'm repulsed by the depths of their honesty. Instead of their honesty I want answers and understanding. There are days they offer comfort and days when they just sting with my own bitter tears.

While this journey of my life has gone from level of transparency to level of transparency, and the envelope of vulnerability has been pushed across my desk more often then I would like to account; I find myself bucking at the idea of the current journey. Desiring more then anything to wait. Wait upon the end of this season, when I can share in form of testimony and with a sigh of relief. Waiting upon when testimony and words of hope can mingle and form within them that which empower us all to overcome. For we overcome by the blood of our most precious Lamb and the testimony of the saints. Ah... what is the last thing that empowers us to overcome. And we loved not our own lives even unto death.

The current challenge becomes will I write from the now. This place, this testimony.. the place from where I would want to release more expletives then praise. Except I know better. I really intrinsically know better. I wish I didn't. There is no life nor true release in the allowances of the flesh during any season. In seasons like these that seemingly go from bad to worse and then find even the next level, even though the flesh would rage, taming it is is at times the one thing that a human is left with. Even when every other choice is seemingly gone. There is always the choice of how to face the minute, the moment, the day, the week, the month, the unrelentingly long season?

How do you tame the flesh?

Hhhhhmmm...

One sure way, the only way.... By putting it to death. And death in the Western world especially is hard. When what is plastered even in Christiandom is success and achievement, and the measurement and standard of it has more to do with the values of the world, then the heart of Christ. Death is awkward and painful and reminds all who see it of their own mortality, whether physically or spiritually. It can be long and drawn out or just happen in an instant. Death brings suffering to the front. Death and the dying can't be fit into neat little boxes, nor can suffering.

How can we overcome?

One way I keep hearing the Father bidding me towards, is this, “love not your own life.” John the Baptist spoke it in the words that he must decrease so that Christ could increase. Jesus spoke that we can not serve two masters.

Laying down our lives or not considering our life even unto death, is not always and very rarely within our society ever going to be in a glamorous one-time act of ultimate fidelity spelled out in martyrdom. Rather it is a daily examin. As of late I have all to abundantly had opportunity to choose a daily place of dying to self and holding the flesh in check. Some days have had great victories and other days have had great defeat. The condition of my heart is what is at stake. The condition of our hearts is what is at stake.

Brother Lawrence writes, “In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him.”

I might not have a lot of choice in life. But one choice no one can ever take is the choice of the placement of my heart. Again I will say, we overcome when we love not our own lives even unto death. When I am stuck in bitterness, disappointment, anger, hate, judgement and the list can go on and on, then the overcoming begins when I turn and say not only, no to those things but repent for entertaining them.

In repentance and rest will be your salvation, Isaiah's words have always been true but so very true for me now. Not pretty, not pleasant, not fun and painful, exhausting, and it will take an act of your will until your will has been trained more readily to put the flesh to death and make the choice towards life.

This world is truly passing away, it is on its death march... but I am of another place that will go on for eternity and so are you.. from where are you making your choices....

There is no short and sweet answers... Wrestling it out with God like Jacob takes a long time.

A friend of mine wrote this status today and it has struck my heart; these are some of the best questions one could be asking right now...

Some of The Better Questions to be Asking   By: Beth Wilbur  

I was reading 1 Corinthians this morning when something caught my eye: "For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God ..." (1 Cor 4:19) As Christians, we love to quote verses about The Cross being foolishness to the world. (Which it is and there is incredible truth there, but that's a different thought train for a different time.) But this morning I'm thinking of the world's wisdom that is still ingrained in my thinking that is found as foolishness in the site of God. 

 What standards do I hold that I don't even recognize as worldly? Do I admire success or failure? Do I hold status or occupation above a persons heart, heartache and life? Am I seeking to gain in the world or in the Kingdom? Am I fighting for the lost or my own position? Am I looking for His loving kindness or am I looking for prosperity? Am I looking for Him among the "least of these" or am I looking to be seen by leaders? Am I seeking to love or just to be loved?

And what does He say about all these things? What does He see in failure, in lack of status, in the lost and in my heart? Where can I find places that need changing in me that will make me more like Him?