The pages of a journal upon a night when sleep won't come..... Lord, I am Achan..

The pages of a journal upon a night when sleep won't come.....

Lord, I am Achan... I have taken things from Jericho that were never mine to touch.

Lord, I am Thomas... I have doubted

Lord, I am Peter... I have denied

Lord, I am Judas... I have betrayed

Lord, I am the multitudes... I have walked away

Lord, I am the Laodicean's... I am luke warm

Lord, I am the ones who fell asleep when you needed a friend.. I am slumbering and not prayerful

But while I am all those things, I hunger to authentically call You, Lord.

I see something..

In the shepherds that beheld you...

In the young virgin whose willing heart received You into her womb...

I've fallen in love with the Marys, the Zacheaus', the Thomases, the lepers, the centurion, the children, Nicodemus, the wise men, the Samaritan woman.

I have the rich young ruler in my heart and yet I'm the girl breaking the vile of perfume upon Your feet.

I am the publican and yet in the same breath the pharisee.

I am Noah building the ark and I am Noah drunk and naked.

I have created the Ishmaels but have also been willing to sacrifice the Isaacs.

I have hit the rock like Moses.

I have hidden in the wine press like Gideon.

I have rejected the calling and have become embittered like Jonah.

I have boasted like Joseph and landed in a pit, only to become a slave and a prisoner.

I have wandered around and around and wept and travailed and hidden and interceded.

I have seen Your wonders and stood alongside You, watched multiplication and deliverance.

I have worshiped

I have rejoiced.

I have loved and been loved.

I have lost.

I have found.

I have trusted.

I have doubted.

I have seen.

I have heard.

I have been blind.

I have been deaf.

I have been and not been so very many things.

I repent for I have tried to hide all my shortcomings as to present myself to You, instead of letting the Christ present me.

I have tried and exhausted myself in attempts to prove my worth.

I have played the part of the fool.

I have labored instead of rested and tasted the defeat of vanity and seen too many half built towers.

I have walked with You like Adam and Eve and then I, too, have hidden from you; afraid and full of sin.

In all my inconsistencies,

In all my frailties,

In all my foolishness,

You have loved me well.

You have remained consistent.

You have been faithful.

You have covered my nakedness and healed my disease.

You have never forsaken.

You have called me Your own.

You have redeemed me.

You have taught me.

You have healed me.

You have ransomed me.

You have led me.

You have instructed me.

All the things I can't do and all the things I can...

All my successes...

All my failures...

All my weakness...

All my strength...

All my sickness...

All my sorrow...

All my loneliness...

All my joy...

You are in all ….

You are the Great I Am...

I know not the journey before me

I know not the path that tomorrow brings

But it is to You that I desire to lift up my soul towards.. I have lifted my soul up to many an idol... they have left me naked and ashamed but You have clothed me with righteousness and called me to walk unafraid...