There is NO foster child in the House of God... Image bearers are we all

Many things swirled at the same time...

I had just come from teaching a course on living a life that is true to our beliefs. I'll be honest I do love Martin Luther's quote, when it is written that he said, “Be a sinner and sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly.” I love when Nouwen writes concerning his beauty and his betrayals, I love when Paul writes about the things he wanted to do, he did not do but the things he did not do, he did.

In my own place in life I am always so tempted to hide away the limitations and weaknesses and put upon my best face and be strong and walk in the giftings upon my life. But now, NOW... now; Now I just want to walk. I want to be myself. I want to live joyfully, to live my life joyfully, to live creatively, to live love, to live rest, to live patience and that list could go on and on. The point is I want to live. I want to live my life and not some life I think I should live.

As I emerged from that class I think I granted unto myself a great permission. It was so freeing. I discovered how much I am thrilled by teaching and mentoring people into the depths of true, interior changing, discipleship... I gave myself permission to not live in the shallows but to live....

There have been two quotes that have been ruminating within my heart these last weeks.. One by Brother Lawrence and one by Frank Laubach, both of the same heart...

Lawrence's speaks of “In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him.” It has pounded and pounded away at me. I receive it. I receive the conviction it brings. The stirring it lands with, the discontent and contentedness it births both at the same time. I WANT TO have within the depths of me, within my CORE the reality of FIDELITY! Regardless of terrain, regardless of success or failure, I AM HIS! Fidelity to Him must rule and reign over my appetites, my passions, my wants, my needs... Fidelity to Him has become my cry and it has become my all and I am being made new...

No, I can't do that because that would mean I am not walking as I was created to walk, I will be walking in a place, accepting a place less than what He ever meant for me. This is NOT religious adherence to rules or doctrine, it isn't birthed forth from that place... It is birthed forth from desire and passion for Him and to be rightly situated before Him always...

Which brings me to Frank Laubach.. Practicing each moment to ask for our God to encompass each minute, each section of our day.. to pray and invite the Lord into every aspect of our lives and to understand that His grandest desire is that we would partake in Him and His presence and He would reside and be with us... We sit in His shadow as He overshadows us! We reside in the palm of His hand while He keeps it open, ensuring that nothing will pluck us away...

All of this brings me to this place where I paused and saw His heart for community, for church... It was as if I saw a million pictures at once, and we were all foster children running astray.

It was heart breaking, convicting, and powerful. To both us as the children and to us as people who attempt to lead within churches and ministries.

Let my mind be renewed, that the people I would serve are bearing the very image of the God we worship. That in their mistakes, in their sins, in their immaturity; they are not throw aways... they are not people passing through front door to back door. They are the people whose hearts we are meant to touch and they are the people who are meant to touch our hearts, and lives.

Let my mind be renewed, that I am not (even if I am ) just a stepping stone in people's lives. We all need homes, a place that is safe and to which we can belong. We are not foster children in the system of God's church on the earth.

It is hard to plant and remain planted within a Body of believers, when something goes wrong, the natural tendency is withdraw, isolate, leave... or maybe we abandon, neglect, discard... I can not say to any other within this mystical Body of Christ upon the earth that they aren't needed.

Troubled and alone.. you are needed

Sick and in bed.. you are needed

Successful and prominent.. you are needed BUT not more than the homeless individual you pass every day going to your corner office in some high rise.

CEO, Bus driver, Preacher, Nurse, Garbage Collector, Star Gazer, Dreamer, Prisoner, Lunatic..... YOU are all needed... The hand can not say to the foot it is not needed...

May we have renewed eyes to see each other.. renewed hearts to receive one another, renewed minds to comprehend the thoughts and intentions of our God as we journey our individual and collective journey here upon the face of the earth...

You are loved and received.. There is no foster child in the kingdom of God, may we all learn to live lives worthy of the depth of the calling that is upon us as image bearers of the Lord Most High.

Session 1 of Stirring the Waters: Cultivating A Lifestyle after the Heart of God

My heart is so full.  

What a beautiful experience to be walking this journey with you all.

Here is the link to the video of today's class.

http://youtu.be/ovwpE0DUv-E

A book list of the books we talked about:

Brother Lawrence   ...  Practicing the Presence of God

Frank Laubach   ...  Letter by a Modern Mystic and Learning the Vocabulary of God

Ronald Rolheiser.. The Holy Longing:  The Search for a Christian Spirituality

Henri Nouwen .. The Inner Voice of Love, The wounded Healer, The Way of the Heart

Malcolm Gladwell..  David and Goliath: Underdogs, misfits, and the art of battling giants

Pick up a journal and begin today The Game of Minutes as Laubach teaches...   Filling Every Minute with the Thought of God.  He says; "All who have tried that kind of abiding for a month know the power of it -- it is like being born again from center to circumference." 

next week we will talk about the Voice of the Ancients... But I want you to be thinking of YOUR voice, of the things the Lord teaches you, of how He personally instructs you.. How you hear and interact with Him the most... Would love if you came to class with something you would feel comfortable sharing...  Feel free to comment on the STW Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/pages/Stir-The-Water/24550022054?ref=hl

Look forward to being together again next week

It Begins Tomorrow... Stirring the Waters: Cultivating a Lifestyle after the Heart of God

Welcome!

If you are registered for Stirring the Waters: Cultivating a Lifestyle after the Heart of God, you will receive an email directly from our GoToMeeting software.  If you have yet to register the link for our class that begins tomorrow is:  https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/356435022

If you can not join us live during the next 8 Mondays at 9:30am (est) I will post the recording of the class on the Stir The Water Facebook page and my blog, http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com .  You can subscribe to My Blog,  Walking The Passages, through your email and receive the video for this class directly to your inbox.

My name is Mims Driscoll and I am a co-director of Stir The Water Ministries.  We endeavor to walk alongside people to equip them to interpret dreams in a Christian and biblical manner, to empower people to understand how they are wired spiritually; so as to be able to function within the Seer lifestyle where the senses are both alive and experiencing spiritual realities, and to create safe and nurturing places where people who walk with the spirit can have a vibrant community to belong to and participate within.  We are a global, online community that has been in existence since 2005. 

Within my personal journey and as a result of a horrible car accident, I entered into this place of "forced" rest.  I would have never had the discipline to choose such a thing. But have been grateful for the lessons I have learned.  With so much physical limitation, I remembered back over two decades ago from when I was first saved.  I loved Brother Lawrence's Practicing the Presence of God and the writings of Madame Guyon.  In these moments I bumped into the writing of Frank Laubach.  He wrote magnificently about inviting God into each moment of your day.  

He endeavored to fill every moment with the thought of God.  He wrote, "All who have tried that kind of abiding for a month know the power of it --- it is like being born again from center to circumference."  I didn't plan it this way, but tomorrow; April 28th will be one month from where I saw that quote.  It has been a month of physical weakness but interior growth.  I have watched my soul be fashioned and formed into the likeness of Christ, as I spent the time to remember to invite Him into each moment.  Into the moments where weakness and loneliness and pain tried to steal my peace, I would pray the simplest of prayers and remember Him and call Him to be in the moment with me.  

I am so excited to begin the journey of this seminar with you!  Starting tomorrow, Monday, April 28th at 9:30am (est) we will be online together seeking our Lord's face and His presence and discovering more of who we are as His sons and daughters.  

I will post the video of the session by the evening.

Many blessings upon you.  We are praying for you as we journey into this time of discovery together...  

With Love, 

Mims

Leaving the "I don't care" mentality behind... Because I can't lie to myself or to God any longer

I could feel that cold, detached feeling making it's way into my center. The constricting of my chest. The pushing away from emotions. “The I don't care”, and “I will be ok no matter what” mentality,” 

emerging.                                                                 

A million pictures raced through my mind.

Everything was swelling, and then I paused. “Lord, into this minute I invite you.”

Into this minute with all its uncertainty, all its mounting pressure; I lean into you... I was reminded of one of my new favorite quotes by Brother Lawrence; “In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him.”

Recently, within a conversation, a friend spoke one sentence which was like light breaking through. She spoke of how she had realized she wasn't caring about some specific things because her conclusion was she could do nothing about them and so why care. When she spoke the words, “do nothing about it,” I felt struck by lightening.

In many situations where I have felt like I could do nothing about the circumstances or current happenings, I just shut down. I don't let myself care. What is the point anyway? I can't do anything about it.. I can't change it, I can't make it different. I felt trapped, vulnerable and afraid. I felt powerless. So I distanced myself and pushed it all away, allowed my heart to go numb and continued with life. Because I can't do anything about it anyway! Why bother?!?

When those words fell out of my friend's mouth, I felt such sharp electricity run through me...

But it wouldn't be until this morning,where it was as if the Heaven's opened, and I saw the Father's heart in immense ways.

I saw myself and I saw others, I saw people in circumstances that are beyond one's control. In so seeing, I began to witness something immense and beautiful...

The Father leaned into me and spoke, “When you can't do something I can.. When you are powerless to change circumstances, I'm not... Let me be that which strengthens you and upholds you, especially when you don't understand.” He was asking for trust. He was asking for hope.

In moments when I can't do something about the circumstances I'm facing, the position of my heart is not to shut down under false conclusions. The position of my heart isn't to falter because I'm helpless and can't affect the situation, and the position of my heart can't be to try to manipulate the circumstances or situations either. The position of my heart HAS to be that when I feel helpless or the circumstances are beyond my capacity to affect change, at that moment I must turn my heart towards trust and hope and believe that when I can't, He CAN...

And when the events still roll out in directions that I wished them not to, at that moment to trust in His goodness above all else. But to stand in a place where I care and not opt into the “I don't care,”mentality, that is the place where I allow the pain of caring, the fear of caring, the intimidation of caring to reside. To not do so and choose the, “I don't care,” mentality is a dangerous cop-out. One which I have chosen all too often.

So I care, even when I can't control what's happening and can't make it better. I care and I allow the pain of caring but feeling helpless to both reside deep within. I care because to pretend to not care or to work into myself the “I don't care,” mentality only REALLY just brings death. I'm cutting something off inside of me, I am pretending and shutting down instead of feeling pain. I'd rather be in a place of passing through and feeling then becoming petrified or ossified.

I have allowed hardness to protect me in places but then those are the very places that hurt more than anything. Those are the places of being cut off from His presence, those are the places HE THEN HAS TO PRUNE!!!                                                      

So I remain supple.

I don't want to close down or harden my heart... Because the fact of the matter is I DO CARE.. HE CARED... IT HURTS... BUT it hurts worse and is a greater death to shut it all down. So I care, and I hurt and I ask the Lord to dwell with me in those moments, and I am learning what it means to abide in all times. What a glorious journey of transformational living. Painful and exhilarating, full of sorrow but full of joy; and more than anything full and not cut off! Severing oneself from parts of oneself breeds places where He will have to come in and bring healing and pruning.. I am really trying to learn to walk through it during the circumstances, and not shut down. I do care! I do care! I DO CARE! And sometimes that sucks.. But I can't lie to myself or against God anymore...

The song of the Bride is both a dirge and a shout of triumph...

There I said it...

I remember back over a decade ago.. When this one friend of mine and I stepped into a moment.

It would become probably one of the most honest conversations I had ever had and one of my all time favorite conversations of my life.

We asked the very hard questions. We were truly honest with one another. We discovered that neither one had what the other one thought that person had, and we laughed and we cried and we discovered true love and friendship.

I'm back upon a journey at a new height. It isn't a circle around a wilderness, it is a journey up a steep mountain and I have just gotten some new rope and new courage and instead of laboriously tromping up the beaten path, I'm scaling new heights.

I have looked fear, rejection, betrayal, sorrow, loneliness, pain, and that list can go on and on... and said.. “You are going to walk with me. You are going to be a part of my life.

What I do with you is the key.

You are always going to be around some corner.

You are always going to be right in my face.

Your voices are real and yet there is one who amplifies them and taunts me with your ills.

So I look at you.

I look at you square in the face.

I say.. come along traveling companions.

Come along.

Because I know something that the one who taunts me doesn't want me to know.

I know that if I let you, you produce amazing realities inside of me.

If I don't let you torment me, but I allow myself to be formed through you, I will be formed BY Another.

You see.. I will be lonely. I will be afraid. I will be rejected. I will know sorrow. I will feel pain. BUT I WILL NOT KNOW DEFEAT. Through all these things I will overcome. NOT because I am strong enough, or resilient enough, or have it altogether.

More times than naught, I want to say YOU WIN.. YOU'RE RIGHT, I'm the fool to believe otherwise...

The voices that scream.. You aren't wanted, You aren't needed, Nobody cares, You are the fool for believing otherwise. Those voices.. those taunts.. that only equals DEATH. They might EVEN BE RIGHT.

Maybe I'm not wanted by those I want to be wanted by..

Maybe I'm not included by those whose company I want to keep and whose friendship I thought I had

Maybe I'm not a million things..

But for as much as I am NOT.. HE is the GREAT I AM...

So while I am lonely, He whispers.. Lo I am with you even until the end of the age

So while I am hurting, He comforts and speaks I will never leave you nor forsake you

So while I am grieving, He weeps with me and upholds my hand

So while I am scared, He smiles because He knows the most bedazzling of secrets, and mouths the words for me to not be afraid, as He stands towering over me so that I can rest in His shadow. He stands over me declaring me as “MINE” the reality that I am HIS thunders throughout all Creation.

He teaches me His ways of joy and laughter and leads me quietly beside still waters even during the most turbulent of times.

So while I am weak, I am learning the magnificent Kingdom reality that I am strong, because He strengthens me.

The taunting and reality of this life, this world, and spiritual darkness is such to have me wear masks so I am accepted and play strong so I am wanted. The song of the Kingdom is to unmask and with unveiled faces behold Him, and let His love transform all those places in us that would receive the lies and taunting of this world.

Of course I am wanted.. I was thought about before the Creation of the world

Of course I am strong... Because regardless of what I can “perform” He is with Me, and His rod and staff strengthens me...

Of course I am loved... His passion took Him from the Heavenly realms to a straw bed in a manger to a wooden cross...

So I will walk in this world with sorrow, I will walk weak at times, I will touch pain and rejection, betrayal and loss... But I will through grace walk .. more like it LEAN... and keep my eyes upon Him as the winds and the waves try their best and when the wind and the waves win, I will take a hold of the out stretched arm that will always be out stretched for me... I will know joy, laughter, delight, peace, compassion.. because I know Him and because He brings the best of gifts...

It all entwines to become a majestic symphony and it's melodies are the most phenomenal sound of all creation.. It is the song of the Bride being birthed and formed and fashioned for a wedding and a banquet that has been guaranteed.

Come walk the narrow .. high passages with me .. as we cross over to meet the One whom my heart loves...

I need to call Him Lord... but then I don't get my way... THANK GOD

I'm an extrovert on a meditative journey.  The first time I wrote those words in my journal I laughed. How true.  But those words seemingly are at opposing sides.

This season has shown me all I would want to believe about God and His ways are true. Places within me have been confronted ever so deeply at how much I have been a person of the world and its ways.  

The ways of the Lord are utterly counter culture to the ways of man.

Rest and trust and leaning are really the postures that advance the Kingdom of the Lord.  What the world would perceive as weakness and foolishness are actually the hidden gems that we must learn how to search out...

Then this week, I was lead to this most perfect verse in Exodus... Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."

I have found that has I have leaned and leaped or stagnated and pulled away, that His ways are so majestic and so thoroughly the way upon which my life needs to be lived. 

Rest and trust are not laziness and inactivity.  They are the powerful force of the Kingdom.

I have trusted in horses,chariots, men and proverbial armies.. I have trusted in the wisdom and strategies of this age instead of the ways of God.  I have wanted the 32,000 of Gideon and only found myself reduced to the 300.  But in the reduction I have found the victories of God and they are oh so much more satisfying.

I could gain the whole world but lose my soul and I have watched as people in the world and people in the ministry have done such things,  I know not the direction my path is taking.  I know not the next steps beyond the day.  I know not what the future looks like. And that is terrifying and disquieting, and rumble in my soul.

I don't come to weakness easily, I don't come to trust easily, I actually hate vulnerability and transparency even while I embrace it.....  I have found that there is no other way.  Or let me restate that .. the other way, I can not embrace.  I can not embrace a poker face. I can not embrace while I want to, "an I don't care or it is FINE," mentality.  I want to close down my heart and lock it up behind a dead bolt lock and live BUT the problem is that isn't life and the death that causes (AND that I have tasted) is a far worse death then the life of walking admitting my need, my weakness and waiting upon Him to renew my strength and to heal my heart...

I am a child of another Kingdom... and its ways and its law of love must be branded on the interior of my being in such a way that forms me out. To live contrary to that is to not live a life of fidelity to the one I call Lord, and I NEED to call Him Lord.. but then I don't get my way.. THANK GOD

A Free 8 Week Stir The Water Webinar: Stirring the Waters: Cultivating a Lifestyle After the Heart of God.

It has been a year of discovery. A place where in some form or facet there are questions being asked, quotes being quoted, dialogue concerning Him, His ways, and His passions. Not just dry and methodical theological discourses mind you, but a searching out of His heart. It is the coming together in coffee shops, kitchens, car rides with a brother or a sister and talking about Him, and what does it mean to walk with Him and love Him and serve Him in the 21^st century.

In that I began to discover and rediscover what my heart's desires have been since I came to know Christ over 20 years ago.

 I have always relished the words of God, when He speaks out about being our God and calling us His people. I have always loved.. I MEAN LOVED Brother Lawrence's Practicing the Presence of God.

 I have always loved the fact that God still spoke. I have loved the mystics of old and the brothers and sisters of today who find the path of contemplative prayer and live there.

So where that brings me is this...

 I am an extrovert on a meditative journey.

 I want to do this with people.

 I want to create spaces for people to discover or rediscover (as I have been doing) themselves and the Lord.

 I want to create spaces for people to tune into the depths of who they are and who God is; as to form out their life in a way after God's own heart.

What does it mean to walk the pace of Heaven? How does prayer become an adventure? What does it mean and how does one invite God into each and every minute of the day? How can the disciplines become a dance and a delight and not a method to prove my worth or perform? What should I meditate upon? Where does creativity come in? How can my senses awaken and how can I more thoroughly understand what I perceive through them? What are these dreams? What do they mean? What are the mysteries of the night?

If you know me at all you know I love words. I wanted to encompass all that was upon my heart and ask you to join me, walk with me along this path... let's talk together and discover alongside one another the immense delight we can have in knowing and being known by our God.

So tongue in check but not really... Here is the very long title I came up with when I was day dreaming about starting this time together.....

The would be not so glamorous but utterly amazing lifestyle of a dreamer, seer; person who loves the revelatory heart of God being expressed through time and space and humanity. Or more simply put and fitting into the space for the title of the webinar.. Stirring the Waters: Cultivating a Lifestyle After the Heart of God.

I began to think of the Karate Kid. I thought about “wash the car,” “sand the floor,” and “paint the fence.” I am always thinking of how can I become a person who has an interior that is formed out and fashioned by the Lord and how do I become a person who walks intrinsically after the heart of our God. What are the tools? How can I live a life in this modern day world that exemplifies the passion of my God but not perform it and exhaust myself BUT really live?

Join me for a Free series of webinars where we examine:

1. Inviting God into each minute
2. Words of the ancients
3. Prayer becomes an adventure
4. Disciplines become a dance
5. Creativity becomes a choice
6. Revelation is Everywhere
7. Awakening the Senses –The Seer
8. Understanding the Mysteries of the Night – The Dreamer

So starting on Monday, April 28^th and running through June 23 (skipping memorial day) we will meet and spend a week on each topic, at 9:30am (est)

Here is the Link Registration Web Link: https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/356435022

Look forward to Being together on the journey.

The pages of a journal upon a night when sleep won't come..... Lord, I am Achan..

The pages of a journal upon a night when sleep won't come.....

Lord, I am Achan... I have taken things from Jericho that were never mine to touch.

Lord, I am Thomas... I have doubted

Lord, I am Peter... I have denied

Lord, I am Judas... I have betrayed

Lord, I am the multitudes... I have walked away

Lord, I am the Laodicean's... I am luke warm

Lord, I am the ones who fell asleep when you needed a friend.. I am slumbering and not prayerful

But while I am all those things, I hunger to authentically call You, Lord.

I see something..

In the shepherds that beheld you...

In the young virgin whose willing heart received You into her womb...

I've fallen in love with the Marys, the Zacheaus', the Thomases, the lepers, the centurion, the children, Nicodemus, the wise men, the Samaritan woman.

I have the rich young ruler in my heart and yet I'm the girl breaking the vile of perfume upon Your feet.

I am the publican and yet in the same breath the pharisee.

I am Noah building the ark and I am Noah drunk and naked.

I have created the Ishmaels but have also been willing to sacrifice the Isaacs.

I have hit the rock like Moses.

I have hidden in the wine press like Gideon.

I have rejected the calling and have become embittered like Jonah.

I have boasted like Joseph and landed in a pit, only to become a slave and a prisoner.

I have wandered around and around and wept and travailed and hidden and interceded.

I have seen Your wonders and stood alongside You, watched multiplication and deliverance.

I have worshiped

I have rejoiced.

I have loved and been loved.

I have lost.

I have found.

I have trusted.

I have doubted.

I have seen.

I have heard.

I have been blind.

I have been deaf.

I have been and not been so very many things.

I repent for I have tried to hide all my shortcomings as to present myself to You, instead of letting the Christ present me.

I have tried and exhausted myself in attempts to prove my worth.

I have played the part of the fool.

I have labored instead of rested and tasted the defeat of vanity and seen too many half built towers.

I have walked with You like Adam and Eve and then I, too, have hidden from you; afraid and full of sin.

In all my inconsistencies,

In all my frailties,

In all my foolishness,

You have loved me well.

You have remained consistent.

You have been faithful.

You have covered my nakedness and healed my disease.

You have never forsaken.

You have called me Your own.

You have redeemed me.

You have taught me.

You have healed me.

You have ransomed me.

You have led me.

You have instructed me.

All the things I can't do and all the things I can...

All my successes...

All my failures...

All my weakness...

All my strength...

All my sickness...

All my sorrow...

All my loneliness...

All my joy...

You are in all ….

You are the Great I Am...

I know not the journey before me

I know not the path that tomorrow brings

But it is to You that I desire to lift up my soul towards.. I have lifted my soul up to many an idol... they have left me naked and ashamed but You have clothed me with righteousness and called me to walk unafraid...

It isn't "English"... It is "Language Art" and why it is so very important ..

I love language. I find it sad when my children talk about “english” class, I want to cultivate within them to talk about that field of study as “language arts.” Oh surely I might just be mincing words. Except I love the idea of those two words married. “Language” and “art” come together not haphazardly but in a formidable kiss.

Language:

lan·guage

ˈlaNGgwij/

noun

1.
the method of human communication, either spoken or written, consisting of the use of words in a structured and conventional way.
"a study of the way children learn language"
2.
the system of communication used by a particular community or country.

Art:

art1

ärt/

noun

1.
the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.
.2
the various branches of creative activity, such as painting, music, literature, and dance

So you tell me how can the simple word, “english” ever convey the beauty of the words, “Language Arts?”

Oh Mims.. what does any of this really even matter...

Simply put.. I endeavor to serve “The Word who became flesh,” with all my heart. So I take language seriously. I have learned some lessons concerning the power of silence, and controlling of the tongue. As an infant in this discipline, I have found that when I allow myself to enter into these places, a creative wholeness within my spirit erupts.

How often in our culture do we even take 5 minutes; morning, noon and night to practice such a thing?

And yet our very souls are so utterly hungry for the fruit of the depth of silence and quiet.

Exodus 14:14 ESV /

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”



In this season of my life.. I desire to see ever more the reality that the Lord is He who goes before me, I can truly cease striving and know Him as my God, and I only have to be silent and watch with my eyes the truth that the Lord is He who fights for me...



This my friends is why the art of language is so utterly important, with our mouths we bless, we curse, we speak life, we speak death.... We want the power of the Holy Spirit... We do not even slightly understand the creative force behind our words. Christ cursed a fig tree and it never produced fruit again... Are we ready? Are we ready to embark upon a life that demands the discipline of considering our words not simply as “english” but as “language art.”

Me too....................................................................

In multiple conversations I was quickly reminded of how careless we can be with one another. In one I was the offender and in the other I felt the brunt. Sometimes the last thing a person needs is more words.

I could hear myself speaking truth. Spiritual truth but truth all the same. When I felt the abrupt presence of the Holy Spirit and I knew to stop talking. In that moment I sank deeper into my gut, that place where the Lord flows forth from, that inner place where you know if you just pause long enough and let yourself drop; you will be less guarded.. you will actually talk from the heart.

As I did.. I had a picture of the moments when I wanted to take all my books and quotes and journals and throw them across the room. I absolutely adore all things Brother Lawrence, Madame Guyon, Fenelon, St Theresa of Avila, Frank Laubach and the list could and does go on and on and on.

BUT... While the truths of His presence and the practice of an interior lifestyle, to form out the depths of one soul and spiritual life, are powerful.. in moments their words sting. In moments their words sting, and it isn't necessarily conviction.

I recently read on Amazon a comment someone made regarding The Celebration of Disciplines, (excellent book by the way). It was brilliant and right on. They spoke about the incredible benefits of this book, but also spoke of how read in the wrong spirit it can be death. These things, spiritual disciplines and habits of practicing His presence, if done in a performance mentality will put weights upon the heart and death into one soul. These things are a life force. But handled capriciously the force pushes towards death not life.

So in that moment of conversation; I admitted concerning the times I just want to take all those things and chuck them across the room.

I was going to write, “sometimes,” but in reality ALL the time, what people need is to be met into the depths of their hearts. Sometimes it is by instruction, sometimes it is with prayer, sometimes it is sitting quietly together, sometimes it is encouragement to go and be alone with the Lord, sometimes it can be a lot of things BUT all the time... we must attempt to meet one another heart to heart.

I had felt the shift and then the need for instruction or insight was gone and what was needed was tenderness and understanding. I want to be the person that feels those shifts, and responds. I want to be the person who meets others heart to heart. That isn't always loosey, goosey emotional affection; sometimes what the person needs as a heart to heart meeting is a word of correction or admonition, silence, or one thousand possible things.

But to engage one another from a place of authenticity and from the heart takes courage. Courage to not guard oneself; understanding that at times placing oneself on the line and being vulnerable and instead of approaching as the expert, approach as a fellow human; saying, “Me Too.” I have seen where that stance brings more healing into the hearts of another, than any other action.

The grandest, “Me too,” comes from Christ.

Are you lonely? He understands

Are you afraid?

Are you feeling rejected?

Do you feel like there is nothing within you that would draw people to befriend you?

Have you felt the praise of men only to feel the sting of their rejection?

Have you known the need of the people and filled that need yet been left alone as your need brought you to your knees?

Whatever the question or emotion that you have felt, we have a High Priest in Christ, who says, ME TOO!”

Matthew 11:28 "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

The rest the Lord grants is abundant and beautiful and strong. It is a powerful force. May you let yourself receive from Him in your places of need.

No one left behind...................................

It is interesting to me the changes that occur when life gets absolutely disrupted. It is true what you focus upon you empower. In this season when I have focused upon all the things I can't do, well.. let's just say those are the days when I really shouldn't have any visitors. But there has been this interesting spiritual reality that has swarmed when I focus upon Him and His ways.

This one day when I was overwhelmed by all I can't do right now, and my emotions were beyond me and I felt left out of life and forgotten; the Lord spoke, “empower The Body.” I thought to myself, “How?” I couldn't fathom how in this state I could do any such thing. Except then it began. This morning it has only grown stronger.

I began to see pictures of people, churches, states within our country, other countries and people I knew. “Pray!”

I realized that while laying in bed, I was still part of The Body, still part of His Kingdom. I began to pray that He would empower His people to walk as they were called to walk, to hope as they were called to hope, to wait as they were called to wait. No longer did I see myself stuck in my room, trying to stop seeing everything in threes, and hoping that the world would stop spinning. Now I saw myself partnering with the heart of my Father, blessing the Body of His Son. And I wasn't being left behind or left out, I wasn't forgotten nor ignored. I wasn't missing out on anything.

Last night was really difficult. Much laid upon my heart. Despair was easy to touch and my emotions were all over the place. What I couldn't know last night was how thoroughly the Lord was setting all things up for me to receive truth.

I don't want a casual relationship with Christianity. To me it isn't about picking and choosing and convenience. I want wholly in. I want to be so thoroughly changed on the inside that in all the secret places of my soul I reverberate Him, and His thoughts and His opinions. I want my affections, my appetites, my passions, and all that I am to be a reflection of Him. I don't want to believe in His goodness iust when it is convenient. I want to thoroughly believe in His goodness when it isn't, when it is the hardest thing to do; when all would scream in my face that I am fool for still believing, and yet in those moments I want to be able to arise and be more full of grace and faith and love then I was ever before.

This morning through the words of a friend in an email, I was struck by a Kingdom reality that shook off the dross of fear and sorrow and reminded me of that interior plea. “Sheep to the slaughter,” those were some of the words in what was a heart felt and beautiful email full of truth and compassion.

Hear these words: 35Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." 37But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.…

This morning I was flooded with grace. In those moments I saw how the power of His grace lifts us beyond our circumstances. In those moments I was reminded of the truth that The Body of Christ is ONE entity; many parts but ONE Body. In our society as individualistic as it is, it is utterly foreign to think upon our life, in pure military terms. To think of us as a whole, as a unit.. to think of ourselves as stronger because there is a unit surrounding us, to pray for the reality that we would awaken to that fact and learn to not leave anyone “man/woman” behind!

To be able to see when one part of the Body is flourishing we don't have to step into jealousy or envy because it means that the Kingdom of God is flourishing, the purposes of Heaven are advancing, the ways of the heart beat of Jesus are being spread.

Love triumphs. When we see as He sees, we can proclaim as Paul did  that even though there are those that would  preach for self ambition,  the gospel is advancing. That is what matters.  It is the name of Christ, not of any one person, nor any one denomination.. It is the heart beat of our Father exploding as Christ's name is lifted up.

It is empowering to touch the understanding of the strength and beauty and victory of the Body; it will be through this unit that the Bride of Christ is fashioned and formed. When we regard ourselves as part of this Body, then to speak out against it, to bring harm to it... we bring harm and speak out against ourselves.

Yes, these thoughts are so contrary to this world and so contrary to our modern day society. But the concept even if I thoroughly botched communication of it, is powerful and beautiful and empowering to all of those that feel insignificant and small. To understand that there is no place for the words, “insignificant” and “small” within the Body of Christ is revolutionary. To all of us who are a part, of this magnificent, vibrant entity known as the Body of Christ, would that we would be empowered to learn that Christ is who is at the head, and His heart would always, ALWAYS be that no man is ever left behind.  

There is weakness and then there is weakness.....

There is weakness and then there is weakness.

I'm grateful for those that have written and shared their stories. I have found comfort in reading Nouwen and others, they make me feel so not alone. There are days I can read their words and days I just get angry at them. Days where they make the most sense and days where I'm repulsed by the depths of their honesty. Instead of their honesty I want answers and understanding. There are days they offer comfort and days when they just sting with my own bitter tears.

While this journey of my life has gone from level of transparency to level of transparency, and the envelope of vulnerability has been pushed across my desk more often then I would like to account; I find myself bucking at the idea of the current journey. Desiring more then anything to wait. Wait upon the end of this season, when I can share in form of testimony and with a sigh of relief. Waiting upon when testimony and words of hope can mingle and form within them that which empower us all to overcome. For we overcome by the blood of our most precious Lamb and the testimony of the saints. Ah... what is the last thing that empowers us to overcome. And we loved not our own lives even unto death.

The current challenge becomes will I write from the now. This place, this testimony.. the place from where I would want to release more expletives then praise. Except I know better. I really intrinsically know better. I wish I didn't. There is no life nor true release in the allowances of the flesh during any season. In seasons like these that seemingly go from bad to worse and then find even the next level, even though the flesh would rage, taming it is is at times the one thing that a human is left with. Even when every other choice is seemingly gone. There is always the choice of how to face the minute, the moment, the day, the week, the month, the unrelentingly long season?

How do you tame the flesh?

Hhhhhmmm...

One sure way, the only way.... By putting it to death. And death in the Western world especially is hard. When what is plastered even in Christiandom is success and achievement, and the measurement and standard of it has more to do with the values of the world, then the heart of Christ. Death is awkward and painful and reminds all who see it of their own mortality, whether physically or spiritually. It can be long and drawn out or just happen in an instant. Death brings suffering to the front. Death and the dying can't be fit into neat little boxes, nor can suffering.

How can we overcome?

One way I keep hearing the Father bidding me towards, is this, “love not your own life.” John the Baptist spoke it in the words that he must decrease so that Christ could increase. Jesus spoke that we can not serve two masters.

Laying down our lives or not considering our life even unto death, is not always and very rarely within our society ever going to be in a glamorous one-time act of ultimate fidelity spelled out in martyrdom. Rather it is a daily examin. As of late I have all to abundantly had opportunity to choose a daily place of dying to self and holding the flesh in check. Some days have had great victories and other days have had great defeat. The condition of my heart is what is at stake. The condition of our hearts is what is at stake.

Brother Lawrence writes, “In these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him.”

I might not have a lot of choice in life. But one choice no one can ever take is the choice of the placement of my heart. Again I will say, we overcome when we love not our own lives even unto death. When I am stuck in bitterness, disappointment, anger, hate, judgement and the list can go on and on, then the overcoming begins when I turn and say not only, no to those things but repent for entertaining them.

In repentance and rest will be your salvation, Isaiah's words have always been true but so very true for me now. Not pretty, not pleasant, not fun and painful, exhausting, and it will take an act of your will until your will has been trained more readily to put the flesh to death and make the choice towards life.

This world is truly passing away, it is on its death march... but I am of another place that will go on for eternity and so are you.. from where are you making your choices....

There is no short and sweet answers... Wrestling it out with God like Jacob takes a long time.

A friend of mine wrote this status today and it has struck my heart; these are some of the best questions one could be asking right now...

Some of The Better Questions to be Asking   By: Beth Wilbur  

I was reading 1 Corinthians this morning when something caught my eye: "For the wisdom of this world is foolishness before God ..." (1 Cor 4:19) As Christians, we love to quote verses about The Cross being foolishness to the world. (Which it is and there is incredible truth there, but that's a different thought train for a different time.) But this morning I'm thinking of the world's wisdom that is still ingrained in my thinking that is found as foolishness in the site of God. 

 What standards do I hold that I don't even recognize as worldly? Do I admire success or failure? Do I hold status or occupation above a persons heart, heartache and life? Am I seeking to gain in the world or in the Kingdom? Am I fighting for the lost or my own position? Am I looking for His loving kindness or am I looking for prosperity? Am I looking for Him among the "least of these" or am I looking to be seen by leaders? Am I seeking to love or just to be loved?

And what does He say about all these things? What does He see in failure, in lack of status, in the lost and in my heart? Where can I find places that need changing in me that will make me more like Him?

"Write a letter," He would say... and it would open my heart in ways that were so very beautiful..

Today I was drawn to the fact that even 2000 years ago Jesus spoke of His return. I was drawn to it but not the way in which you would think. I think Jesus would respond to much teaching about His return, as He did when the disciples were so excited that even the demons submitted to them in His name. I think He did and would always point back to the essentials and point back to life. Having said that today I also thought about the impetuous upon the believer to understand and know the times. But not just for the sake of knowing the times. 


We are called to know the times so that we can operate within them in a way that brings life to us and to others. These times are those times when the days grow darker, and we are called to not forsake the gathering together, nor are we to be negligent of how we are handling our own lives. Our lives are not our own, and we are stewards of things entrusted to us; maybe the Master has tarried but He will come back. We are called to not be haphazard with these things.


Early this morning I felt the strength and presence of our Father, and I felt this interesting request upon His heart... His desire was that I would write a letter, a letter to His son, my Brother. Write to your brother, He spoke; and I knew He was not speaking of my biological one. 



This morning I would begin to write:

Brother,




It is promised in Scripture concerning Your return. You, Yourself, spoke of it and said only Father knows when exactly. I can see these days and times. You spoke of an increase of evil and darkness. Oh goodness how these times are such.




You told us to be made aware; You granted us stories liken unto the foolish and wise virgins. You laid out instruction of how we were to be and walk within these days. Paul would write to the Ephesians and tell them to be careful of how they walked, again not to be unwise but to be wise, expressing the very fact that the times were evil. Within those same verses Paul would also speak of being a people of understanding and not fool hardiness. 




There is nothing new under the sun, and the world has known times as these before. I feel it ever important to remember that. The earth has groaned before. Does it get louder now? Or just different?




I think upon You. I think upon all the things that wait ahead for me. I think about holding your hand, and seeing in full. I think about your smile and your laughter. I think about knowing as I am fully even now known. I look forward to the days and times ahead. But even with those thoughts I think about these days.




I don't want to be foolish and not handle the matters of my heart in a way that honors You. I think upon the foolish steward and Brother, I don't want to be liken unto him, upon Your return. Of Your primary care is the house of my heart. May I steward my affections and desires well. May I call them by your graces and acts of my will to only ever mirror Your affections and desires. 




I think upon You, Brother. I think upon our Father. I think upon the days when these days will be those that are written down not being lived out. I think upon others that have gone before me and spoken of fidelity to You and our Kingdom. I want to be found faithful. You elevated me to co-heir. I want not to be haphazard with our Kingdom, as it is even while I am its ambassador here upon earth. 




What gifts can I bring to you, that matter? They are my choices in this age! My will... I am reminded of days long ago when approaching a very hard season, I spoke to our Father. I laid my will before Him, and prayed that regardless of what the days ahead would hold that I placed a “YES” before His throne, and that any “no” ever spoken within any moment was to be negated and only my “YES” remembered. I do that again, I want to do it often. I do not want to ever say “no” to the Holy Spirit or to You. It makes me sad to think of the times I have done so either in word or deed or attitude.




Empower me to bring all my affections and desires to You. Empower me to walk faithfully to that which You called me. Empower my eyes to see through the smoke screens of the world, and the temptations and lies of our enemy and not to fall for them. Empower me to walk in love, overflowing with hope, joy and faith... Empower me to always call to mind, the reality of our Kingdom and its strength. Brother, there are times that that is hard. I cling to Your promise when you said that you would be with us even until the end of this age. I hold You to that promise as if You needed to be held to anything. Your own heart languishes for our reuniting. 



For now I will end. But this I will call to mind and remain in hope, Your lovingkindnesses never cease nor fail.. This world is hard to transverse; the darkness of this age so tangible at times and yet light grows ever stronger. Empower hope in me, my family, my friends and keeps our attentions upon You in this hour and in the hours to come....

Are you depressed?

"Are you depressed?"

I couldn't look the man/doctor in the eyes, my head was too heavy for my neck, literally.  A week after the car accident I was sitting once again in my regular doctor's office.  Staring down at the floor, I said, "I don't know, you tell me." But that wasn't all I said.  Still staring down at the floor, my heart lurched and I couldn't tell which hurt more the entirety of my whole body or my heart.  It all hurt.

"We moved here almost ten months ago, right after launching our oldest son into the next phase of his life.  Before we could even get acclimated here, major explosions were going off back from where we came from, things that were affecting some of the people I love the most.  My aunt is fighting the battle for her life and my mom is living each day with her, most anything I thought was a "given" in life has evaporated. And on top of everything I am now in immense physical pain.  So I don't know doctor, I really don't know. You tell me, am I depressed?"

I couldn't see his expression, but across my path a tissue was handed over.

We talked more and at the end of the conversation, he concluded that I was able to say somethings felt better, I had hope and belief in places and could speak of silver linings upon hard circumstances.  It was a very gentle and sweet conversation and answered a lot of questions for me and my heart.  

This morning, four weeks into this thing, I'm beyond tired of my head feeling like it is an orange being pressed into a juice maker.  I'm tired of the world having a fancy spin upon it and I would love to look outside without wearing sunglasses.  I'm tired of spending the majority of my days laying down, with the world spinning and blurry. 

I'm tired of the bombs that won't seemingly stop going off.  When the landscapes of life are full of rubble and nothing makes sense and there is no "normal" to go back to, and all it feels like one can do is duck and cover.  But waiting for all the bombs to stop falling and for the dust to clear wasn't getting me anywhere.  

Duck and cover wasn't working. And I was angry. Angry that life was continually spinning out of control. But really I was just angry. Angry at God and others. I felt betrayed and wanted to blame everyone and everything for all that was crashing in around me. I felt duped again. I felt stupid for trusting and believing people, the church, the Lord. I felt betrayed by hope and by my heart. I felt ridiculous for letting go of a realistic view of things, aka cynical view of things.

Every terrain of my life had the debris of the bombs that had hit it and I was angry, and scurrying for a way out. The way out was going to be painful. It was going to point the flashing bright neon sign, not at anyone else, BUT straight at me. A huge blinking and bright neon arrow was going to point directly at my own heart. And the God who I want to serve, not a god of my own making, was going to ask me, “Do you want to deal?” In the most amazing Fatherly voice, He was going to come and rip off the band aids with the most gentle of hands.

I hated that I had needs. I hated that when I said, “I'm fine,” or “I'm ok,” that that wasn't true and I couldn't will it to be true. I hated that my heart was betraying me and the needs that I had were screaming and leaking through every pore. I hated that I was weak and vulnerable. I hated that I cared. I hated that I needed help. I had embraced vulnerability and transparency yet had come to a place where I despised them more than embrace them. I had judged them to do nothing except show weakness, and everything felt fraudulent. I had been vulnerable and shared my heart and my life and had been left seeing or thinking how stupid the whole thing was.... I wanted something different. But the “different,” felt cold and even more fraudulent. I was angry at how stuck I felt.

I felt trapped. And those I had sought for counsel in the past felt gone. Each part, of the landscapes of my life, that I had thought I had, had been decimated. And right when it felt like it couldn't get worse, the car accident happened.

The reality was I had needs and I was vulnerable. Vulnerable to a world that is fallen and where really bad things can happen. Vulnerable, ie not in control. I was angry that I was not in control. And realizing how very little I really trusted the Lord. How very little I trusted anyone. Trust had been broken in so many places and each was like a shard waiting to stab at my heart.

But again the neon sign wasn't pointing at any of those events, it was pointing at me. And a slow, quiet, persistent battle would begin. It continues. What I have learned in the last four weeks of life where there has been no other choice but to rest, is the lesson of choice. I can hate weakness and vulnerability all I want, I can paint upon my face and will within my soul to close down and be whoever I want, BUT at some point... at some point, it will collapse. Maybe the charade can last longer in your life but not in mine. The anger and hostility and bitterness was only eating at my own soul.

So liken unto the situation Peter found himself in, I squared off with Jesus... and spoke similar words, “I have no other place to go.” Believe me if I thought I did I would be heading there... But I don't. I don't even believe as much as I once did that You will even really help, but I do know you care and I do believe that though things don't look at all like I would want them to, I do want to believe that You are working around the scenes and working all things for my good. I will believe that. I am willing to believe that.

He is so contrary to most everything of this world. His ways and thoughts are so distinctly different, higher... better.. full of life. This world is dying. It is passing away Yet it was this world and things of this world that I was letting and wanting to fill the needs of my heart. I had learned those lessons in the past. This turn of revisiting them were going to depths unseen before.

So now... Now, I still have not a clue. Still sitting amidst some of that rubble of landscapes torn apart by life or other's choices, situations and circumstances don't change at the drop of a hat, but a heart can begin to.

I want to know Jesus not for I would make Him to be; Judas Escariot, wanted Jesus to be the immediate deliverer of Israel against the Romans and had not a larger vision. I can fall privy to that. The multitudes wanted to be fed, healed and delivered but not told the harder lessons, OH, I am so like that... Martha complained to Jesus and in her bitterness spewed, “if only you had been here,” not waiting or trusting His heart nor His intentions.. how often that is me. It isn't my time table, you left me wanting, you didn't do what I thought you were going to, and the list goes on and on...

In that place He speaks, “Are you leaving too?”

I look up and as my heart honestly speaks, I do know better. I know there is no other place to go. I don't know how to walk here. I don't know how to know You, for who you really are and not an idol I would make you into be, but I want you to be my God. I want to trust you. I want to know you. From there we continue to walk together through all the rubble and the terrain filled with exploded bombs.