traveling down many a memory lane trying to find my equilibrium..... FOUND...

The walls will some day have pictures upon them, and the rooms will be filled with more... There will be the blowing of bubbles in the back yard, and our whole family will have immense joy over our dog once again having a fenced in space in which he can run. I can picture, that as the weather gets warmer, that I will sit on the screened in porch and sip my coffee and write as I watch through the glass door into the kitchen and see my children drawing at our table.

The house is different but we are the same... well, not even really.

So much fills my heart this evening... so much saturates my soul....

I sit and take it in....

I listen to the older boys beneath me... hhhhmmmm, the sounds of them having a conversation filter up .. I love listening to them talk to one another....

The babies, that aren't really the babies but will forever be “the babies,” are sleeping and my oldest daughter is sleeping in her own room for the first time in a very long time.....

Milestones....

I'm avoiding places.... I can feel my heart and my emotions... I can feel all the thoughts upon my mind and I pause and linger and yet still I don't fully go down that path....

Not really.....

Sitting in a really nice home but my heart ached as I passed the highway I wanted to be on, heading to the home I wanted to be living in.... twice today I passed exits that weren't mine to take... not just yet.... and I took each moment in and continued forward....

Sitting in what is going to be Jim's and my bedroom.. my thoughts race to that fact that usually there is a different place I stay at when we are in town... and I smile to myself thinking about how times and seasons pass....

Sitting here... listening to the two older boys... the knocking on the door to my heart gets louder and I feel like I am going to lose a breathe.... One of the ones that isn't here won't be here next year.... ( It isn't the three older boys sitting down stairs sharing their hearts, and talking about stuff... it is two) I have five children within this home..... And now my heart lurches....

Oh how I love these five... we will walk into and out of these doors and there will be stories unfold upon their lives; as the sixth (our oldest) has his story unfolding in new places, with new people, upon a new adventure... and now my heart is beyond lurching... and I look for something familiar to anchor myself into this place but there really aren't any to be found just yet....

I have yet to cook a meal, clean a dish, bake cookies, help with homework in this place.... but I have brought in groceries tonight for the first time....

I saw all the college paraphernalia at this store and as I had acknowledged exits not taken earlier... here I acknowledged that it wasn't his school that was upon the shirts, sweat shirts and everything hanging here and there.

So what does one do when the life they are living looks so utterly different than the life they have lived?

There are so many answers to that question....

I think upon many things...

I think upon the day our then two year old came down a flight of steps into a room of strangers and announced with great fan flare, “I'm Elizabeth.”

I think upon the day when I arrived into an airport of a place I hadn't been in a very long time... feeling disoriented I stopped as all the others that had exited the plane with me went to my right and to my left... I stopped and I stood in that terminal... I took a deep breath... Planted my feet upon the ground and looked up at the hallway that was before me and took my first step...

And as I am traveling down many a memory lane trying to find my equilibrium... trying to find that same space as I did in the airport or as I saw my daughter do that one day.... a moment comes upon me and I smile...

His voice is the constant.... He is the place where equilibrium is found and He knows me..... In an instant He draws my attention to Him and through the ways that only He knows He steps into the moment.... He speaks to me in regards to this room I will sleep in and in regards to this home I will live in and He speaks to me and He speaks to me and He speaks to me...

And in the residue of the moment I finally feel like I will sleep tonight.....

He brings rest into my soul... over exits not yet taken and sons heading off to college... He brings in the constant... He draws my attentions and my affections into Him.... through glimpses, through whispers, through sights and sounds and wonderful things... My Father awakens my heart to the vast richness of His kindness...

I hear His declaration that He is the Lord, my God and He is holding my hand.... and His promise of help is assured....

"For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'

Isaiah 41:13

Amidst all circumstances... familiar, unfamiliar, new, old, past, present... amidst all things He remains the same.... He is my orientation... He is the constant...

When nothing else or very little remains the same … when that which unfolds about you is so vastly different than anything that was anticipated, or situations are emerging faster then you feel ready for.. (This mom's heart doesn't always feel ready for these next steps) once again the prescription is to lean.... lean … there is no better posture and there is no better place.... In leaning you hear His heart and He directs the path.... In all times there is nothing better than that.........