I know that some of those emotions are
the reasons people cut themselves... and step into cutting... hurting
so badly on the inside they try to replicate the pain on the
outside.... I remember as a child scratching myself so badly until my
arms or hands or legs would bleed.... looking for attention..
needing attention... so many bad things happening but not knowing how
to communicate them... not knowing how to ask for help... lying about
everything.... not knowing how to live one single moment of life....
living in a vapor... feeling invisible.... but feeling so much
pain.... wishing I could die or disappear... not thinking I mattered
to another living soul....
So alone... so much despair... so much
isolation... so humiliated.. a panicked wounded crazed animal is how
I would describe myself more than even human...
yup... that was me... lying to
friends... family... manipulating.... trying to control the
uncontrollable emotions.... trying to contain everything that was
leaking out all to quickly …. trying and failing miserably and
hurting a lot of people in my wake.....
So fast forward to a season where the
Lord has encouraged me to open up my life for the strengthening and
comfort of others.... fast forward to a season where a son has been
so sick and in so much pain for almost a month... you better believe
buttons being pushed and past things remembered....
Being in the ER one morning and telling
the doctors there that he is an A/B student and that he was happy
and well adjusted... and he had friends and he loved sports and that
he wouldn't make this up... but wondering what they were thinking....
to calling my pediatrician and for him to speak that he knew us...
that he knew my son and he knew he wasn't a complainer... He called
the ER back and told them he didn't think it was psychosomatic.. and
that would they please run the tests again...
Every time I had to call the doctors...
to ask for help.. (BUT I WAS ASKING) I swallowed hard... I could feel
the nerves in my stomach lurch... and then when the moment came where
I had to assert myself as a mom to the professionals and ask for
something to happen “today” not in a couple days or in two
weeks... I lowered my head and closed my eyes and as I choked out the
words I said them... I asked for the help that I needed … and I
realized later as I thought back over the last three weeks... that
these three weeks were probably changing my life and who I was more
than I could even think...
I stood in that moment and thought of
all the times I lived through where I wasn't known and there was no
one to speak up for me and where there were lies and falsehood... I
thought of having to lie for almost two decades to protect a family
that hadn't protected me.... I thought of living for decades that if
I spoke the truth I would ruin a family that hadn't stood by and made
sure that I wouldn't be ruined... I thought how amazing in one
generation how the Lord could so heal a family line... and how in one
generation a child's experience could be so different... I thought of
what it meant to be known and supported... I thought about my son and
how he has had family, friends, community, doctors all standing
alongside him trying to help him and that he was able to communicate
and express that he was in pain and not shrink back from
communicating it but be heard.....
In one generation..... but also in my
life... my child's life and my life being so different than anything
anyone would have even ever believed to be possible.....
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