So this post does get a tad more than a tad personal but I have felt the Father's heart's desire for me to express some things about how intimately aware He is of us and how much He truly cares for the details...
So without lingering too to much upon things of the past... some of those stories are found earlier within the beginning days of this blog.... there were times and seasons where harm was done... and upon my body and my mind and my heart much transpired...
As I have lived a life beyond those days and had times and seasons of amazing healing and abundant balm to my soul applied I have had to learn and relearn aspects of living and life....
I relish the times that the layers between heaven and earth seem so thin for I truly marvel in them and in them I am loved and granted access to an understanding of love that for so long seemed so fragile and so elusive.... I share those times because they have transformed me and born fruit of confidence and have changed a heart that was so oriented toward that of an orphan into one that is strong and bold as a daughter...
I share those moments that are so intimate and so private between the Father and I or our Lord Jesus and myself to offer glimpses of how hungry our God is for us to know Him and to the extent that He will go for that to happen....
Tonight as I come back to writing this article I pause to say that I have spoken with my husband in regards to where this article is now heading and while once again opening up transparency and vulnerability we both understand that there are aspects to my story and to our story that can really minister... and so we go there...
As a fall out from some of those times and seasons of life I was left ... well here is where it gets personal... and so last disclaimer is placed....
Because of the events and moments I walked through as a child and a youth my capacity to feel desire was truly inhibited... and while in the beginning of my marriage it was more of an issue the issues continued throughout the years that would come.... some times better and some times worse....
But I longed for wholeness in all areas of life and I longed for all aspects of life to be mine.... with all my heart I came to the Father and prayed... not knowing how He would answer .. but He is the God of Song of Solomon... He is the God whose deepest desire is for us and whose heart is ravished by us.....
There were areas in life that had just been so violated that I wondered if I would ever feel normal ... if I would ever feel or just even desire intimacy .. and this is another reason why I open up my "diary" and share moments that are just between the Lord and I... is because He so deeply cares about all things as it pertains to us... His heart's desire for us is to walk boldly and confidently as His in all areas of our lives...
I set before the Lord that I truly wanted to know what it was like to feel and to desire a healthy and right relationship with my husband .... so much in relationship to sexuality and intimacy had been deliberately broken down for so many years as a young child and youth.... and He who is the very lover of our souls cares for us... He cares for me... He cares for my husband and He redeems... He redeems.... I could say over and over again... He redeems.... He redeems all things...
.... In this area of sexuality and in all other areas where I wanted to know the truth of God not just believe it... I wanted it to be mine... I didn't want to call myself a Christian and live some feeble expression of that dynamic truth ... some water down version that wouldn't be recognizable to the very Lord I long to love and belong to... some version that says its ok for me to live the rest of my life hindered by events that had transpired so very long ago... not my redeemer.. not my God.. not my Father.... It isn't good enough for Him to leave me there in those places of lacking.. in those places of pain
I have come to Him... I have come to Him and not with arrogance but with true hunger said but You say... that we can love because we were first loved.. and while I could understand the scriptural truth to that it was not my life experience to know what any aspect of being first loved even looked like... So I held that up to Him and He answered and between my interaction with Him directly and with those that He placed in my life He showed me how truly first loved I was...
I held before Him that He says goodness follows me and that He desires good things for me and while I had walked in goodness my heart was not convinced and it would betray my confidence and I would walk around shattered and scared and not assured of His goodness and yet His love covers me and He brought strength to heart that had been weak and afraid....
I held before Him that I was His daughter and that He was and is my Father and that He is responsible for me in that relationship and that I declared that I was His and that He had spoken that He was and is my God and He had laid out what the paradigm for that relationship was going to be... and so I held that out to Him and I hold that out to Him...
Because I can not walk with lack.. not in a name it and claim it type way but in a way and path of confidence... That my loving Father desires me to be His and hungers for me to know that I know that I know His love.. He has my name written on the palm of His hand.. .that He crowns me with loving kindness and has good plans for me not to bring harm but to prosper me in His ways....
I could not believe that He would leave me to walk incapacitated in life... with a heart always lacking the capacity to hold love... and in so all areas He has brought redemption and brings redemption.. He truly makes all things new... and so whether it is a simple need to know that I was wanted and loved or a more complex issue of recovering the beauty of sexuality after knowing abuse... whether it was the fact that it took me literally 15 years to fully establish a relationship with the Father through Jesus because just even that term held so much terror for me.... He took His time.. and He was patient and kind and gentle.... and He desired for me to know Him as He is a most loving Father more than anything else....
These are the reasons I share my encounters... these are the reasons I put myself out there.... so that anyone can realize that this is the Lord we serve.. He runs to find the one ... He gave everything He had that we would be His... that we would have the right to be called sons and daughters.... He hungers for us and desires us and longs for us and loves us beyond anything we could ever even fully conceive to think or imagine...
So He takes us to be with Him because He wants to be with us.... it isn't even fully about me or you... it is about us... He wants us.. He wants you and He wants me and He is hungry for that relationship even more than we could ever think... So I share of times and places where I don't fully understand that which is happening.. I lack the language.. but I know the fruit... when I see Him.. hold His hand.. walk with Him... and see His eyes and know His gaze... My heart melts and I know that I know that I know for why I was created... I was created for Him and His affection for me ... for us knows no limitation...
This is the God we serve... Redeemer... lover.. friend.. counselor... Lord.. Father.. Brother... and He is so very very good... and He has His goodness follow us all the days of our lives.... He is that goodness..
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