Lies and lack of understanding and false beliefs take their toll.. part 1..

I knew where it was that he stood... and yet I didn't want to look... I wonder oh so very much at what it is they see.... how they see ... They must see both the natural and spiritual world at the same time... always... without interruption... I would think that is how they see...

So I wonder what it was that was being seen... and in so doing he spoke of how I was avoiding the very reason that he was present... and he spoke of how I was afraid to acknowledge him because he had brought good news but that I was shrinking back... I didn't even realize what it was I was doing.. I knew he was in the room but I wasn't looking and I wasn't asking why he was present.. I was just letting him stand there and thinking if I didn't engage either he would or he wouldn't...

Ah and there was the issue... self protection... suring up myself against disappointment... controlling the level of hope I would allow within my heart... metering out capacity and preparing for the fall... poverty mentality slightly.. ok maybe more than slightly... rationing out my capacity to receive hope so that I wouldn't allow my hope to increase beyond a level that when it were to fall I would be shattered.... so allowing myself to only hope so much as to prepare for the fall out...

But what had I placed my hope in? and as my mind raced with all these thoughts.. he just stood there and let out a puff of what felt like exasperation and the whole you have got to be kidding me kind of thing.. but I think that is more my interpretation of the moment .... ok totally more my interpretation of it...

It wasn't like are you done yet... it truly wasn't are you done yet ... it was a desire for me to look and engage.... and then upon the scene there came a presence of Him who I have grown to know and the richness of the moment came.... I couldn't just receive from his messenger... because fear was placing a barricade ... and I was condemning myself in the moment and not walking into that which was being offered... out of fear... which in a huge regard is lack of understanding perfect love...

so what did perfect love do... it came to sit with me and woo my heart towards joy...

What a perfect Father He truly is... and while I thought chastisement was what should be upon me He came just to sit... to sit with me in my moments of uncertainty...

He spoke of how He would not ever harm me.. and I sat there head bowed and heart in my throat and sobs held back and He rolled back a curtain of fog and showed me behind the veil of situations I was walking through... to see them as He saw them and not as I had judged... I had judged so wrongly .. so harshly.. had I portrayed myself within failure.. within lack of understanding my heart had been perishing and He had come to set things right....

As I sat in His presence and as His presence increased I just wept.. I had lived the majority of my life without understanding... without understanding .. without the understanding of the whys things happen .. and in place of lacking understanding I attributed it all to the fact that I was just a bad person and made so full of error and something so completely wrong with me and had placed fault and blame at my own feet ... a ton of weight and a million lies .. all the accusations against myself made by myself of all the inadequacies that laid upon my person.. all the reasons why love was so far from me were my fault and so much lack of understanding had shattered a heart that was made to receive and give love.. .

And so as good things came I sured myself up for the times that they would go... I viewed life through a broken glass lens that didn't clearly make sense and tried to make sense of it all and came up with some very faulty notions...

Perfect love stepped into the room and fear had to leave... and light entered the room to expose the darkness of belief and action ... I had learned to not even expect the crumbs of affection .. to not even ask for them... to receive them as they would come but to prepare for them to go... and yet .. yet there had to be so much more... and I was beginning to learn that there was...