How does a heart get reprogrammed though... how does a heart go from fear to faith... how does one step away from chains and lies and believe that one can soar... how does one use an organ that never learned how to act in the way it was created to function... how does one maneuver through and away from lack of understanding and experience.... how does one stop perishing... how does one learn to walk....
And as I sat and pondered and saw my inability even in the midst of so much grace to grab a hold of that which was being said.... the room filled even more... a stunning display of the Father's affections shattered unbelief... again I had expected discipline ... discipline for not getting it... terror and fear had grabbed a hold of my heart and would not let it free because of fear... fear of getting it wrong.. fear of not hearing it right... fear of not walking it out right... fear...again fear...
my relatives had come for a visit and as they left I realized that the fearings from Hinds feet in High Places... had come.. they had come and they had left their mark and I was trying my hardest to disregard it and not look at it.. but in not looking at it I had stepped waist deep or higher into performance and had shut down my heart.. and the most beautiful shepherd was just waiting for me to acknowledge all that happened and to stop trying to be so strong as to handle it all on my own....
Side story here.... when one of our sons found my copy of Hinds Feet in High Places he came to me and he asked why is the whole book underlined? I remember so very clearly reading the first chapter and being stunned that something came so close to the description of my life.. that I underlined and reread every single word over and over again... because even as I read the first chapter for the first time so much of the understanding escaped me because I was still so surrounded by fear...
Having tried to handle the effects of the visit alone I had come to a place of shut down and allowed the familiar lies and heaviness to have life upon my heart.... instead of reaching out quicker I had stepped into a place so well learned of just getting through.. and just getting by.. not wanting to place a burden on the Lord or anyone else... and so I walked .. trudging through... bearing up under a weight I was never called to carry... but fully convinced that it was my fault I couldn't carry it and fully convinced that I was failing as I tried to maneuver my way through.. and fully convinced of all the reasons why I should be able to handle it all...
But then our Father drew the line and stepped in and not with the condemnation I expected... I expect rebuke and He is quiet... I expect discipline and He is still... I expect to be shown every place where I walked wrongly or could have walked better and He moves in with increased presence of His reality to wash fear away....
I can't even hear .. so crazy.. I can see with all the clarity of sight being offered and yet fear had deafened my heart to His love.... the truth so elusive and yet so in my face...
And then as it has been in these days where He is being crazy generous with His affections and His opening up of His presence for me.. He bid me to believe that He was granting my soul rest ... that I could lay down in His chambers.. far far away from all of this and just rest.... rest from the torment of lies and beliefs that were contrary to His nature.. no chastisement...no rebuke.. just a bid to come and rest... rest in Him as He brought healing into my heart....
And I was in a room full of light... and life.. and the air was different and I was surrounded by Him and His ways and His thoughts... all the higher thens... and they were ministering their truths to me in a way and a fashion I had never experienced... so much grace... so much kindness... extracting roots of false beliefs that had grown oh so large... and ever so slowly as a master gardener bringing it forth with no off shoot remaining....
I walk these days in some very different places .. more than anything I am learning to be patient with myself... I am learning that I don't have to perform it correctly... I don't have to perform at all... I am learning about grace from the Father who never gives up hope .. never loses patience... and never demands for me to get it.. and get it quickly...
I want to.. I want to get it quickly and move on.. and yet these times are teaching me that it is not ok to the Father that I lack any good thing... and His patience and His kindness and His lack of rebuke is getting me there step by step...
Gregory was crying the other day.. our four year old.. because he wants a phone like his older siblings.. and he tells me that he is older and then when I don't give him the response he desires.. he asks how long will it be until he is older.. and he was weeping.. he really wants a cell phone of his own... and being older I know that it takes time.. it takes time to get older... it takes the moments that become days and become seasons.... and that it does happen.. it just takes time...
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