It's about who you can be..... That's why...

As I think over this past Fall there are so many thoughts that fill my heart and my mind.. things I even still wrestle with and things I only hope for more....  I think of Amy Grant's song, Grown-Up Christmas List, we played that song at my oldest son's dedication almost 18 years ago.... 

 I think of my own journey of life and the things that were said about me because of the things that had happened in my life...  Things severe enough like words that spoke forth I should never get married, that I should never have children, that I would  live in and out of pysch hospitals because of the level of abuse and neglect that I experienced as a child.  

It isn't that I ever wanted punitive moments for anyone involved with the incidents of October 10th.. and that isn't even fully true.. never against the other young adults but there were so many moments where my heart wrestled with how the coach acted and didn't act and how the administration acted and didn't act... 

 My heart ached because in all that I have walked through and in all that I have seen and come through I have found that every moment has choices and opportunities..  The opportunity to arise and with strength and  courage face ugly things and declare that those ugly things don't get to dictate the final outcome... 

That within each of us resides the most amazing capacity to cherish and to celebrate one another and the gift of life and the joy and dignity of humanity... To champion each other and as far as it goes for us to propel one another forward into all that we all can be and become.. To cherish and celebrate each other's dreams and do all that we can to assist those dreams to become reality...

I have had those people in my life that saw a life by the road side and didn't walk to the other side but that laid their own life down so that I could have a more firm on ramp towards a real life and real hope...

More than anything I wanted redemptive moments to emerge from ugliness and for adults to speak forth courage not just with words but with actions. To admit where weakness both personal and policy showed up and yet instead of being  afraid of a law suit that was never going to come to take action publicly to assure that safety of all and championing of life would be what would emerge... 

So I didn't get to see much of that happen and the message to children wasn't so much when you hit obstacles you can hit them face on and admit weakness and in that place actually walk in the greatest of strengths and have help...  But all of this has served to remind me of where it is that I came from and where it is that I am going and what is important ....  

To celebrate life.. To celebrate one another.. To champion diversity.. To not settle for tolerance but to step forward in a love that declares worth and value beyond just that of tolerating one another...  This is my life.. this didn't emerge because of the events of October 10th... It was who I have learned to become.. It is who I wanted to be ...  whether it is naive or not.. simple or not.... 

These events haven't gotten to win in my heart because within my being it is about daily living forth, whether well or poorly, living forth the values that I hold so very deep... struggling and wrestling with obstacles but overcoming because I don't want to be of those who shrink back...

Years ago in moments when hope concerning my personal life was fading and darkness seemed to be gaining so much ground... I cried aloud for grace and in those moments found a path out of the darkness into a life that I wouldn't have even had the imagination to dream up ...  Dream up that life for yourself and then realize that what can be can surpass even your wildest imaginations.. and when you hit obstacles and it seems like those dreams are so far out of reach cry aloud for grace and hang on... hang on .. and keep walking .. step by step...  

I include these pictures of me not to talk about weight loss per se.. but to invite you see that the physical weight was only indicative of the weights upon my soul... and as I would journey through valleys filled with shadows of the past I would leave the pounds behind and emerge into more of who it is that I was always called to be... 

It isn't a one time event.. it is moment by moment in life... But be you... I am the mom.. I have 6 kids... Married 20 years... and though my house may seem crazy at times it isn't a psych hospital... I am the mom started as I walked through the first days concerning the hateful events of October 10th but the heart beat behind it all is to champion you and your voice... to celebrate you and your life.. to cherish you and your dreams...  

Living more and more the Life that I was always meant to... Overcoming the past and pressing forward onto life and joy and freedom....

Do you remember me?I sat upon your kneeI wrote to youWith childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up nowAnd still need help somehow.(can you still help somehow)I'm not a childBut my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wishMy grown-up christmas listNot for myselfBut for a world in need
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never start,(and wars would never start)And time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never endThis is my grown-up christmas list
As children we believedThe grandest sight to seeWas something lovelyWrapped beneath our tree.(wrapped beneath the tree)
Well heaven surely knowsThat packages and bowsCan never healA hurting human soul
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never startAnd time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never endThis is my grown-up christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth(There'd be)
No more lives torn apartThat wars would never startAnd time would heal all heartsAnd everyone would have a friendAnd right would always winAnd love would never end, ohThis is my grown-up christmas list

Where I was and where I am.... Building Hearts That Comprehend

It isn't just about the physical weight it is about so much more.... It is about valuing myself enough to have looked into my life and where I was, where I had been and where it was that I wanted to be.....

 It was about starting a project that I wrote about in this blog concerning a 100 day project where I would begin to make purposeful choices, move away from anger and disappointment and try to rebuild a life.. but more than anything it would be watching that 100 day project dissolve before my very eyes ..

. It would be in realizing that no matter how many good choices I could make or how much purposeful living I could try and achieve that those efforts would be empty without other pieces...  It was learning that those other pieces involved entering into a deeper relationship with the One who had knit me together in my mother's womb...  It was about realizing that there was only so much I could do on my own strength and that I needed to allow the Spirit and the love of God to come and transform my life... That He who did knit me together could reknit me together and that as I leaned upon Him and not my own understanding my life could soar to levels I never even imagined...

It is about allowing wholeness to come over the Spirit and the soul and the body ... and these last few years have been an incredible journey....  Over a year ago we began talking about a vision for Hearts That Comprehend. We have walked slowly and purposefully allowing time to mature vision and really find out what the Lord had for us to do in regards to bringing hope and healing to the hearts of individuals wanting to walk more fully into the human being they were created to become....

Watch for more information coming soon.... .. This Winter Tom Zawacki will teach a course on Living Loved, http://stirthewater.com/beta/content/living-loved-tom-zawacki , and in the Spring Rick Sizemore will return to the Stir The Water website and teach The Heart of the Matter... Along side these amazing courses we will be launching a program that includes both small group discipleship as well as  individual wholeness coaching....  We are excited about these new steps that are coming forth into the Hearts That Comprehend portion of Stir The Water and we invite you to continue to journey with us in this new endeavor...

The Seer's Coming of Age.. A different perspective moving away from focusing on the gift and grasping more fully the purposes of Heaven! Part 1

I am discovering more and more what the life of a Seer is really about and in this place of discovery I feel like the essence of what I am and who I am is coming together in ways I never knew to imagine.

Early this afternoon I was talking to my husband and I was bouncing ideas off of him in regards to the maturity process for a person walking in revelation and for the Seer. We were talking about  how there are the beginnings of learning how to not discount what is being seen, heard, felt, and received from all the senses. We talked about how we all journey through the questions of; “Is this me? Am I making this up? What does all this mean? Am I losing my mind? Etc etc etc

The essential hunger and continual experiences usually spur people on towards educating themselves in the matters that are at hand. They take classes, read books, go to conferences and they pursue understanding.

Amidst that season some of those initial doubts and fears or concerns get answered and within the person is birthed the knowing that these things are from God. The aspects of being a person who hungers to hear and to know propel said individual into the journey of discovering the unseen spiritual world that surrounds us on a daily basis.

As we all journey forward we then come to places where we have to deal with identity and giftings issues. There are times where what we thought we were sensing was wrong and we hopefully navigate through those seasons with faith intact. Learning and understanding that the gifting or demonstration of the Kingdom isn't the essence of what matters but being a son and a daughter of God and loving Him and walking within that place is where we want to dwell.

Emerging from this last season where the capacity to see and perceive and know what the atmosphere around me was and how Heaven was interacting with earth was heightened I stand in awe of our Lord more and more. You might say oh it is because you have seen this or that or walked here or there … but no … it isn't any of that in the ways you would think.

Events are events... spiritual ones or ones that occur upon the physical earth. They come... they go... they are what they are.. they do shape us but life isn't about transversing from one event to the next it is about living the daily times that are assigned to us....... those moments where interactions with Father and His kingdom were upon me served my heart and instructed my being concerning the places from which my truest citizenship is birthed forth from. Igniting within me a reality of the laws of Heaven into a depth I have not ever known. The laws of love and hope and healing and joy... reverberate more fully in me and in them a settled place of trusting Father and resting within His heart is being established.

This morning as I dwelt upon these issues and thought and thought about where I have been walking with Father these days I am so moved by His heart. So thoroughly more and more in love with Him. So ever more firmly knowing how loved I am and that I am His... Knowing where it is that I come from and where it is that I am going and whose I am and what I am has only served to solidify me in ways I wouldn't have even been able to ask or pray for...

Coming forth from this place is where I have begun to see what maturing Seers are and as I look down the road I see Jesus ever more clearly. He being God emptied Himself into the form of man so that He could live a life that showed the love of Father. He is the same as He always was and so are the desires upon His heart. The seeing and revelatory gifts don't exist for any other reason then to make the love of God known. The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy and the testimony of Jesus is For God so loved the world. We are called to use our senses to receive and to live forth that mandate of Heaven, loving God and loving people.

The Seer's Coming of Age.. A different perspective moving away from focusing on the gift and grasping more fully the purposes of Heaven! Part 2

Why train up Seers, Dreamers, Revelatory people? Why spend the time living off of Hebrews 5 where it speaks of; But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil. Why practice? Why lead people into the understanding that the Kingdom of God is at hand and that they can see and hear and partake and participate in that which is their birth right even as they walk the face of the earth in their life time?

What benefit is there to being a seer? What benefits are there to seeing in the natural would be the same answer.

These days and this season have served me so phenomenally I am only more in love with God and becoming more full of His affections. And I have been shown what it means to walk as Jesus did and do that which He saw Father doing... It wasn't just the healing and the feeding of multitudes. It was the day in and day out way He lived His life.. Sensing and knowing what was on Father's heart. To let the little children come to Him and not rebuke them. To find Zacheus in the tree and to speak to that tax collector and go to his house.

What does that look like today? I have had two of the most profound “seer” type experiences in the last week of my life and it had nothing to do with Heavenly creatures or places or prophetic words. Here are the stories to which I refer... May we all mature in our capacity to have hearts that comprehend and eyes that see and ears that hear... and may we all step more further into the realm of where Heaven touches earth and tenderly and dramatically makes significant differences....

As I stepped back out into the parking lot I saw her trying to wave down Jim.  Had he left something behind was the thought that filled my head.  He had finished filling up the car and was headed to park by the store so I could get in.

She wasn't persistent but something about her caught my heart... My attention.  I called out to her and asked if everything was alright.  I walked towards her and she spoke up that she wasn't asking for money.  She just needed help.

She was such a beautiful person but the look upon her face and her demeanor broke my heart.   I wondered about what life had handed her in this season and we started to talk.

On the other side of the median I noticed another woman sitting in her car watching the interaction that was transpiring between me and another human being.

The three of us.. Complete strangers brought together in one moment.   Later I thought about these moments and wondered about all the choices that had presented themselves in those moments.

I had noticed her but what if I looked away and just asked Jim if he had forgotten something.  I had noticed her but what if as she started to walk away I had just let her. My heart had been drawn to her .. my eyes had seen her.. my very being pulled towards her to engage and not dismiss... but in a brief second I could have shaken it all off and gone about my day or I could respond to the wooings of the heart beat of Father.

I wondered about the other woman too... Did she think I was a some poor creature that got suckered into some kind of ploy. But in this place there was no ploy... Just a woman in need of being seen. A huge part of having eyes that see is to see how in the natural physical world the Kingdom of Heaven wants to break in and be that one that steps in and becomes ever more aware of how specifically and intrinsically we are known by Creator.

Second story.... A facebook post caught my heart.. my attention.. a friend in need... A morning that had plans and a packed to do list was about to be rearranged because the eyes of our God were upon His daughter and she was trusting in Him.... A friend had hit a wall and wasn't sure how she was going to manage the circumstances of her morning and instead of allowing fear to come upon her heart about what she was going to do she turned and worshiped.

I saw her post... I saw it and immediately knew.. I knew His heart .. I could see what He wanted and what He was doing... but I could have made any choice... I could have ignored the impression and thought more about my day and what my morning entailed and not granted access to the wooings of Holy Spirit.

These two moments... these two moments.. show to me the profound nature of the Seer and the need to move away from the attitude of the disciples when having returned to Jesus they were enthralled with the idea that even the demons submitted to them in His name and He turned their attentions back to the Book of Life.. the essence of life and living... to be with Him and to be loved by Him and to love others as He would...

Of course we are going to see.. of course we are going to know.. He is an amazing Father and He shares and speaks forth His heart in more ways then we could ever comprehend. It isn't that He speaks and opens our eyes that is amazing.. He is amazing... we are amazing... The family of Heaven walking upon Earth so that the ways of Heaven get to be made known... That is what is amazing.. the life giving essence of our Heavenly home, the place from which our citizenship is birthed forth from.... We pray it all the time.. Your Kingdom come.. Your will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven... we are a HUGE part of it coming......

In a world filled with so much fear, where the enemies seem so large and the realities sometimes so harsh.. ….. The maturing seer ,who is full of the understanding that they are a son or a daughter of God and whose heart isn't about the gifting but about the Kingdom and the people that need it's reality, is needed to shine a light so that all can see. As Elisha prayed for his servant's eyes to be made open, Then Elisha prayed and said, "O LORD, I pray, open his eyes that he may see." And the LORD opened the servant's eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha. “ So do the eyes of those that surround us need to be made open to the reality of the affection and passions of God and they are the recipient of those affections.

Once again that the blind would see and the deaf would hear and the cripple will walk but not just in the physical realities within the spirit as well... that the people of God who are crippled in their faith and blind in their eyes and deaf in the hearing would be made whole and be full of life and celebration of who it is that they are and the reality of what truly surrounds them on a daily basis.

Wishing and wondering gives way to realization of what was already there.. A voice.. a trumpet... changed lives... a choir...

There are some things about being “the mom” in this season of life that have had my heart wish at times I was more. (Here is our story about what being "the mom" and that journey have been about.. https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice)  Wish I was an educator so that I could more fully understand the system and know better how to navigate it, wish I was a lawyer so that I could more fully understand the law and what it says, all that wishing and all that apparent lack.

Then this morning as I thought through the last weeks and months that have passed I thought of something I read this week. A friend was posting a quote and in it it was talked about changing the life in front of you.

I have stayed up night after night researching and reading and researching more and reading more all about bullying, anti-bullying, programs that are offered, the dangers and once thought benefits of no-tolerance policies; reading and researching and reading some more. Last night as I read an article something within the words expressed captured my heart and within those words I recognized myself.

Amidst all the thinking of what I wasn't and all the wishing to be more then what I was I realized I came to the table with what I come to the table every day. From the way I live my life to the way I parent to the way I see people, I look at the heart. To see people, to value people, to care about them, to think about them, to honor them, to uphold them, to cherish them... These are qualities I try to live forward and when encountered with events that are contrary I try to find my way back to that place where they continue to reverberate within the depths of my being.

I thought about times when my children in the past were struggling with being bullied or having unkind things said to them I would talk about the other person. I would ask them to think about what type of person does things like this or says things like this, I would ask them to think about that person's heart.

I would ask them to think about what and why another human being would act in a way that would bring harm to someone. I would express to them that maybe that person is angry about things, or hurting, or scared too and while that never made anything “right” I wanted my kids to be always thinking about others. Even if a person just acted in a rash manner without larger issues behind such behavior I would talk to the kids about how important it is to no matter what take responsibility for their actions and walk in such a way that would have dignity and grace.

These events of October 10^th keep reverberating deeper and deeper within consolidating who it is that I am and who it is that I will continue to be. I am the mom and I have a voice. Having a voice means speaking up and not just looking the other way. It means taking deep breaths and walking forward even when the road seems covered in a fog so thick you can not even barely see the next step in front of you, it means that it is better and worth the effort to say something and to share then to live in fear and doubt and pain.

It isn't just being a mom or a woman. It is about being a human being and valuing life and joy and beauty and kindness and generosity of spirit. We all have voices. As we speak we form an amazing choir. One voice inspires another voice that inspires another voice and soon we are moving mountains together!

A woman approached me yesterday in a gas station parking lot, she was in need.. we talked and as we did I looked at her.. her situation opening doors to shame and embarrassment into her heart. I saw a beautiful woman in front of me whose situations in life were stealing her capacity to know that she is beautiful and full of value. I spoke to her of those very things and shared how we all need each other and how really not much separates us at all.

I don't know if I will ever see that woman again but as I left our interaction I thought that is what it is about.... Helping and loving the one in front of you and speaking truth into the lives and hearts of people. Using our voices and our actions.. our very lives... to bring life and comfort and joy into that person who is right in front of us...

So while I started wishing I was this or that.. wishing I was more.. I realized what I was and already have been. Whether it is our son and raising awareness about how hate does not get to have the last say and how school districts need to change or it is stepping out and speaking up about whatever the day may ask of me that I do. I have journeyed upon a road that has shown when transparency and vulnerability are given a place and a voice lives change, hearts are healed and people soar.... How can I not walk that path...

How can we all not walk that path....  

And I am not going back...

I remember the first time I would be asked to share concerning some very specific stories regarding my past. I was standing off to the side of the room and my friend came over to me. He looked at me and asked the famous question of his, “Do you trust me?” I actually really do trust that person and so I answered as such and then came his request and I thought I trust you and then thought of all the “buts” that could come, or I could take a deep breath and answer that I would do what he was asking.

There are so many moments where we stand at the brink of something. Those moments where we look at what is being asked of us and all the paths we could possibly take and in what is usually just seconds we decide. Of course there are those times where we answer with more of a, “can I think about it?” response. But even with that there are choices.

Choices. The cost of making them and living them out. What can be spoken in a moment can then take a life time to walk out. To take or not take action, to speak or not to speak, to change or not change and so it goes. We make thousands of choices daily.

Who we are? How we respond? Eat? Where? What? How? When? Priorities and again so it goes forth from there.

Recent events and having to step up and speak out for my son, and against hate and hit walls that I would have never fathomed would be present (https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice) have served to show me a good deal about who I am, where I am strong, where I am weak, where I am capable and where my deficits scream loudly into my ears.

One of the things I have learned about myself more than anything is that I am conquering fear. And for those of you who don't know me that is huge. I remember the first time a gentleman who I loved listening to would preach about fear and towards the end of his sermon would give an offering for prayer concerning the things he was speaking about. I wouldn't make it up the aisle to get to the front as I would just go to my knees and realize how much fear had impeded my life.

So to make a statement like that or not even about fear forget about some of the other things I have publicly shared about my life. Here are the thoughts.. What will people think of me? What if I come across looking stupid? What if I hit something where I don't know what to do? And so on and so forth...

More recently it wasn't as if this huge boldness and courage came upon me and I stood, it was I stood and took deep breaths and opened my mouth. Silencing the voices of fear that raged within me and  setting my heart and my eyes on the fact that once again hate and ignorance don't get to stamp down upon my life and close my mouth. 

There is a cost to living a vulnerable and transparent life and as life continues and opportunities to be vulnerable and transparent present themselves in ways I never anticipated I have found that that is truly who I am. 

 Why?

 Why be so self-disclosing? 

 Believe me it isn't because I have some Jerry Springer humiliate myself desire. It is because I have seen the personal cost of living such a life be far out weighed by the change it brings in others lives and I have watched how the things we so hunger to say but never say bring such harm. And if I can be a conduit for anything it would be that hidden and dark things get exposed so that lives get to flourish.

So I will walk... when I am unsure of myself I will ask for help and when I have failed I will admit error and fault and take accountability, I will stand and speak out about the stigmas that people want other people to wear. I will as far as it is with me and with the grace of God open my mouth time and time again whether it is to speak out against hate and ignorance or to share how it is very possible to overcome violence and abuse.

I am so thoroughly aware that the things people don't say are the very things that they need to say and that hearts need to be made free from the weights upon them and the secrets kept. Voices combine to form a choir and strength is found in numbers. And when I can walk within a collective community then I am stronger and better off but no matter what I will walk and I will sing because I have seen the lands of darkness have to succumb to the dawning of new days and I have tasted and seen goodness in a land full of life and I am not going back.

Why truth and love are so important to me?

As I look over my life ... The things that were said about me.. The things I would do.. The things I wouldn't... Where life and abuse had taken me and then where redemption and kindness have brought me...

What we walk through and emerge from are often the landscapes of our life where we revisit but come back hopefully stronger.. With messages of hope and healing..

I know love the way I do because I've know great hate and harm... I know the power of love and how it is victorious because I've lived it... I've felt the effects of silence and lived painful years and found courage to arise from the ashes and find healing...

One of my favorite sayings that I share with people is "the things we aren't saying is that which is killing us.."

To bring to light dark things and watch darkness flee is a life desire of mine.. To be a voice for those who haven't had one.. To stand with courage and proclaim.. A new day... A new time.. A new way...

This is my passion... To not allow things that have been hidden to remain so... And I'm finding my voice in new ways and discovering new strengths and walking forward ... Speaking life and love and hope