And I am not going back...

I remember the first time I would be asked to share concerning some very specific stories regarding my past. I was standing off to the side of the room and my friend came over to me. He looked at me and asked the famous question of his, “Do you trust me?” I actually really do trust that person and so I answered as such and then came his request and I thought I trust you and then thought of all the “buts” that could come, or I could take a deep breath and answer that I would do what he was asking.

There are so many moments where we stand at the brink of something. Those moments where we look at what is being asked of us and all the paths we could possibly take and in what is usually just seconds we decide. Of course there are those times where we answer with more of a, “can I think about it?” response. But even with that there are choices.

Choices. The cost of making them and living them out. What can be spoken in a moment can then take a life time to walk out. To take or not take action, to speak or not to speak, to change or not change and so it goes. We make thousands of choices daily.

Who we are? How we respond? Eat? Where? What? How? When? Priorities and again so it goes forth from there.

Recent events and having to step up and speak out for my son, and against hate and hit walls that I would have never fathomed would be present (https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice) have served to show me a good deal about who I am, where I am strong, where I am weak, where I am capable and where my deficits scream loudly into my ears.

One of the things I have learned about myself more than anything is that I am conquering fear. And for those of you who don't know me that is huge. I remember the first time a gentleman who I loved listening to would preach about fear and towards the end of his sermon would give an offering for prayer concerning the things he was speaking about. I wouldn't make it up the aisle to get to the front as I would just go to my knees and realize how much fear had impeded my life.

So to make a statement like that or not even about fear forget about some of the other things I have publicly shared about my life. Here are the thoughts.. What will people think of me? What if I come across looking stupid? What if I hit something where I don't know what to do? And so on and so forth...

More recently it wasn't as if this huge boldness and courage came upon me and I stood, it was I stood and took deep breaths and opened my mouth. Silencing the voices of fear that raged within me and  setting my heart and my eyes on the fact that once again hate and ignorance don't get to stamp down upon my life and close my mouth. 

There is a cost to living a vulnerable and transparent life and as life continues and opportunities to be vulnerable and transparent present themselves in ways I never anticipated I have found that that is truly who I am. 

 Why?

 Why be so self-disclosing? 

 Believe me it isn't because I have some Jerry Springer humiliate myself desire. It is because I have seen the personal cost of living such a life be far out weighed by the change it brings in others lives and I have watched how the things we so hunger to say but never say bring such harm. And if I can be a conduit for anything it would be that hidden and dark things get exposed so that lives get to flourish.

So I will walk... when I am unsure of myself I will ask for help and when I have failed I will admit error and fault and take accountability, I will stand and speak out about the stigmas that people want other people to wear. I will as far as it is with me and with the grace of God open my mouth time and time again whether it is to speak out against hate and ignorance or to share how it is very possible to overcome violence and abuse.

I am so thoroughly aware that the things people don't say are the very things that they need to say and that hearts need to be made free from the weights upon them and the secrets kept. Voices combine to form a choir and strength is found in numbers. And when I can walk within a collective community then I am stronger and better off but no matter what I will walk and I will sing because I have seen the lands of darkness have to succumb to the dawning of new days and I have tasted and seen goodness in a land full of life and I am not going back.