" I am afraid.. I am alone... I can't.. I don't know how.... "

A phrase entered my heart last night and has danced within my heart and mind and I knew where it was that He was leading.... seems like that is the territory He wants me to walk these days and it is alright....... I can walk this road because I know that it is His rod and staff that lead me here......

I have caused much heart ache, confusion and pain in the hearts of some of the people that have been the closest to me...... I have been looked at as one more mature because of gifting only to falter because of emotional issues....... HUGE side bar here.... gifting DOES NOT NECESSITATE character PERIOD.... gifting is just that gifts.... character takes a lot more....... a whole lot more

Backing UP...............

There was a season in my life that had me spiraling out of control.... the biggest problem was I didn't know how to ask for help... I didn't know how to say I can't walk this out... I don't know how... the pain is just too great and I can't see my way through it.....

My father had been in town only a week prior.... I had spoken about him to my aunt only a week before...... I had actually spoken to him that morning only then to receive a call that evening that he was gone... he had died... without warning... without any preparation he was gone.... with so much left unsaid, undone.... questions that would never have answers..... a man who was my father was gone forever and yet there was so much that still needed to be sorted out........

Losing my father so out of the blue sent a ripple effect through me but the biggest problem was I didn't think I could ask for help... I didn't know how to ... I didn't realize the depth of pain that was within me... so in my mind it was illegitimate to ask for help..... so I lied... I created a story ( as I had done in the past) that in my mind would warrant the need for help and attention and played out a scenario that truly hurt a lot of people..... I couldn't say the words... "I'm afraid... I'm terrified... I'm losing it and don't know how to find my way out... please ... please ... help....." so instead I made a problem even worse and hurt people who loved me and whom I loved......

Fast forward six years... I had gotten counseling and admitted the lies were lies and received a portion of healing into my life..... but fast forwarding six years would have me enter into the season in my life where the past would meet present with a furry ....... But this time it would be different and I stand today amazed by the grace and passion of God....

I must say I couldn't even come to write this without those that have stood alongside Jim and I..... so you knowing who you are... you have given me wings to fly... and my heart soars in freedom because of you.. and my life's story can be told because of the courage your love has brought to bare ... Your love and commitment played out upon my life as the tangible grace of God for which I will always be grateful....

A season came upon the landscape of my life that was going to bring with it the winds of change but before the change would manifest the cracks in the foundation of all that I was would be laid to bare..... There are times we just push through life and through seasons because of duty and responsibility but I had met the dead end of my capacity to do that and I was slipping......

This time however I called out for help... this time I said the words... "I can't do this... I don't know what else to do..... I can't hold it together..... I can't face tomorrow.... I can't look at this... I can't walk through this... I don't even really know what all this is ... I don't understand what is happening... " and the other part was that my plea and my cry did not fall on deaf ears..................................................

The phrase I kept hearing since last night was a plea for help...... a statement of need...... I have known that place... that place of fear at best ... terror at worst... anxiety... loneliness... hopelessness, confusion and pain.... and the list could go on and on....... the most transforming thing I have ever done was admit that need and be in a place where there was someone to respond......

God is absolutely amazing at His ability to heal and transform. Period... and there are moments where He steps in in a sovereign way and acts ....... and while I have watched Him do that in my life ... the other part is that He brings people alongside.... people to lean against... people who carry us when we can't even walk... people who love us and walk the extra mile and then walk the extra 100 miles...

So there are times when we are the person in need and there are times where we walk alongside.... I am ever more determined that God's sons and daughters know His love .. His passion... the fragrances of His desires ... the longing of His heart.......

I needed the Body and I needed to learn that I needed the Body... I have at times been surrounded by the strength of others and there are times I have given my strength so that others could be made stronger....... We cannot say to any part of the body that it isn't needed and the truth of the matter is we are really only as strong as our weakest member....... we are all more connected than we realize... and when one hurts we all hurt... when one rejoices we can then all rejoice....

If you need to lift your voice and cry out.. " I am afraid.. I am alone... I can't.. I don't know how.... " cry out... cry out..... cry aloud and make your need known....... If you hear the cry ... if you see the actions of those who are faltering..... come alongside....... stand alongside...

Go without sleep with those who are terrorized at night.... and stand in the gap ... speaking life and praying hope..... Stay with those who are lonely.. invite them in ..... feed the hungry... cloth the cold... not just with food and clothing.. but with your love... with your strength... with your song......

People changed holiday plans for me.... walked alongside of me..... stayed up at night with me... it isn't that it is convenient .. it isn't that it is pretty... and it isn't that the results are guaranteed..... But as one who is fundamentally changed because someone did .. not just for an afternoon... not just for a day... not just within a week... but people stepped in and stood in the gap and changed the course of my life....

I know the power of redemptive love... it is real and strong but we are where that love plays out.... we are the Body.....

Oh Lord give us ears to hear the cries of those that are broken.... and give us hearts that will go .... give courage to those who need to cry out and please.. oh Father.. please when they do .... let there be ears to hear those cries.......