October 15th.... A Day to Remember.....

I walked into the supermarket thinking about a dozen things… picking up last minute items for Gregory’s birthday celebration. As I went to grab a cart a notice on the bulletin board pulled me in and held my attention. I couldn’t move. It was a notice about a day in October when parents can go to a local park and there will be a remembrance of the infants and babies that don’t walk with us upon the earth. A day set aside to celebrate the lives of those who we didn’t get to know but whose life lives within us….

I just stood there… somewhat frozen…. Here I was getting ready to celebrate a day of remembering when Gregory came into the world and as times would have it remembrances of the ones we don’t walk with here flooded into my life…

As a back story we had had the four of our older kids pretty much event free…. The normal or not so normal birth stories and colic filling the first months and beyond of life… But I truly took for granted that once I got pregnant there would be a baby in 9 months….

Another back story is that when our now 10 year old daughter was barely 3 months old and the oldest four were five and under I received a word concerning the children we had. The other part of that word came towards the end when the gentleman giving me the word looked at me and began to speak about the ones yet to come….. The ones yet to come… well, I wanted to smack him at that point…. Jokingly of course.. but the thought of more was way beyond me at that point….

Then came the day that one was headed to middle school and the youngest at that point was going into kindergarten and I knew … I knew it was time…..

We got pregnant again and the thought of once again having a baby filled our lives…. It felt right…. Then one morning I woke up and realized that I was bleeding and I called the hospital. As I choked back tears to try and say what was happening … the nurse on the other line (To this day I can hear his voice) gently said, “I’m so so sorry.”

On our journey to have two more children we would revisit that scene 3 more times. I honestly lack the capacity to truly speak about that time. We had one miscarriage and then had Gregory and then in the process of trying to have the last child that we would have we lost 3. I remember the night Jim and I (not to get too personal) decided to not prevent a pregnancy from happening.

I remember telling him I couldn’t do it.. I couldn’t do it again….. I couldn’t face being pregnant again only to loose again …. And yet but God…. I was able to bring forth a resolve that remembered back to a promise of “and the two yet to come.” With tears and trust I became willing again…… and Elizabeth was brought forth……

A day to remember those lost….. a day to be with others who have journeyed that road of hope and excitement only to have it end with an unfulfilled promise here on Earth…. Jim and I actually have 5 children in Heaven and I know on that day … one day… we will all be together…. And we will stand before our Creator… those that walked on the Earth and those that did not and we will worship together…… and until that day I remember them.. I remember them frequently… I remember them with photo frames left empty and a heart that hungers for their embrace…….

The goodness of God does dwell in the land of living… the living here on Earth and into eternity….. and His goodness knows no end….. I look forward to that day in October when women get the chance to celebrate and mourn together….. stand together and grieve that which wasn’t and look forward to that which will be…….