Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Understanding it is Winter and not yet Spring... Community over convenience
I am sometimes amazed at which blog post people tend to gravitate towards... there is this one that is simply called, "the next posting of story," or something like that... it isn't even the posting of the story... and yet it gets read more often than most... I have felt called back to my story... called back to think upon it and realize how in the years and in the year and months and days what it has been that has truly brought healing.... What one thing has been more fundamentally life changing than all else.... This is that... this is the realization that it has taken more than an event but a people... it has taken time and persistence... it has taken the willingness to stay with something and see it through........
I sat at a table and listened to them…. They know each other… really really know each other… as I listened to them I saw something…. A bond that time has tested… a belief that today’s weaknesses or failures don’t dictate love… an acknowledgement that there is a calling to be together and it isn’t about convenience or ease…. It is about love….. and that which God desires to do within a people…
Dear friends who read this and see your stories within these words I must tell you ahead of time that you have so filled my life with treasures that I could never ever convey the fullness of my gratitude… I am who I am today because of how you have loved me….
Staying put and being held.. my feet to the proverbial fires and not being allowed to retreat has fundamentally changed my life…. Thank you… thank you dearest friends for at times even risking our friendship to speak truth… to love me enough to challenge me to see differently and grow …
There are many stories to be told today…. I begin with this one….
It was a year ago this time that my shame and the stigma of being healed from mental illness fell off me…. It was a year ago when a friend looked at me and told me from the very heart of God that MPD and dissociative identity disorder was just the counterfeit to truly finding my hiding place in God….
As a child I had learned how to survive by breaking away mentally… creating safe refuges for myself within myself…. Transforming the world of my inner being, my mind, my life into broken up sections… where some places existed to the ignorance of others……
Eight years prior I had gone through a season of nine months when the Lord and a community of people transformed my life from a pile of dry bones to one who could walk with the very breath of God within.
….. I was healed .. I was whole… and yet most portions of that story I would not tell…. Glad to be through the valley of the shadow of death and in awe of living a life I never thought possible I wanted to put distance now between me and that life…. That life of inconsistencies… of craziness… of disconnection.. of fear of what would or could possibly trigger me… that life… it was gone and I wanted it to be gone…
But don’t you know that skeletons never stay in closets and the whispers of shame that haunt us in the dark linger…. Shame and embarrassment and stigma laid heavy upon my heart as did the memories of what my family had been through…
It would take a gathering of people to bring God’s healing to me…. Not an event…. Not a conference… a life being lived together… it would take a woman willing to risk her emotions to sit in front of me and confront me with truth and love…. It would take a husband not willing to accept anything less than who I was to be in God… we learned together… we cried together… we walked upon a path together… a path of trust.. a path with no guarantees but a path of hope…
Community isn’t convenience…. Commitment isn’t about what feels good today… we aren’t transformed when we hop around from place to place and people to people because as in a marriage there are times where we walk through the worst of for “better or for worse..” we walk through the poorer in the “for richer or for poorer,” we walk through the sickness in the “in sickness and in health..”
I have friends who share their stories with me as they have walked almost two decades with each other… couples in ministry together… they have had sickness and health… they have rejoiced and they have cried… they have been weak and they have been strong… they have known better and they have known worse….
These friends .. these marvelous .. amazing… beautiful .. incredible … stunning human beings… they change my life and challenge me to see things in a different way… to know that there are really seasons… seasons to plant and seasons to reap…. And if we don’t risk living the in between together … after we have planted and before we have reaped… I know we miss out…
if we lack commitment and we lack stick to itness.. and we make it only about ourselves and comfort and our needs then we don’t ever really grow… and I do believe we end up missing out on the most precious aspects of living life together…. And that which God would really do amongst us….. At times we lose out on seeing a season come because we weren’t willing to notice it wasn’t yet Spring even though we wanted it to be … we were still in the middle of December and winter wasn’t close to being over…
We take our lives and our loyalties and we go to the next great thing… guess what I have learned about the “next great thing” … it really isn’t ever different and the season of leaving gets repeated within months if not sooner or maybe a tad longer … but it happens…. It happens until we as a people resolve that if I am a part of this… then I am a part and I won’t leave haphazardly and I won’t leave because it isn’t easy or perfect… what truly ever is… nothing….
It takes commitment to walk with a community.. that idea that this isn’t just about me and my needs or my wants… but that this about all of us… this is about the body… this body…. And sometimes it has more to do with the other arm or the leg not me the hand … and if I commit to that… if I commit to that process of being a part and realizing that the whole isn’t just all about me but it is about growing together… than I really do believe we will see the most beautiful movements of our Lord….. within our lives and within our communities and we will see a growth in ourselves and a richness within ourselves when we allow ourselves to stay rooted and grounded… we will be transformed as we allow ourselves to take root and endure the winter seasons and await the spring together….
It takes that … it take that level of commitment to each other… that understanding that we are going to live life together and not hop in and out …. I’m done with my hopping days…. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living as I have committed to the land and I’m willing to walk through December together so that the Mays and the Junes will come….
I sat at a table and listened to them…. They know each other… really really know each other… as I listened to them I saw something…. A bond that time has tested… a belief that today’s weaknesses or failures don’t dictate love… an acknowledgement that there is a calling to be together and it isn’t about convenience or ease…. It is about love….. and that which God desires to do within a people…
Dear friends who read this and see your stories within these words I must tell you ahead of time that you have so filled my life with treasures that I could never ever convey the fullness of my gratitude… I am who I am today because of how you have loved me….
Staying put and being held.. my feet to the proverbial fires and not being allowed to retreat has fundamentally changed my life…. Thank you… thank you dearest friends for at times even risking our friendship to speak truth… to love me enough to challenge me to see differently and grow …
There are many stories to be told today…. I begin with this one….
It was a year ago this time that my shame and the stigma of being healed from mental illness fell off me…. It was a year ago when a friend looked at me and told me from the very heart of God that MPD and dissociative identity disorder was just the counterfeit to truly finding my hiding place in God….
As a child I had learned how to survive by breaking away mentally… creating safe refuges for myself within myself…. Transforming the world of my inner being, my mind, my life into broken up sections… where some places existed to the ignorance of others……
Eight years prior I had gone through a season of nine months when the Lord and a community of people transformed my life from a pile of dry bones to one who could walk with the very breath of God within.
….. I was healed .. I was whole… and yet most portions of that story I would not tell…. Glad to be through the valley of the shadow of death and in awe of living a life I never thought possible I wanted to put distance now between me and that life…. That life of inconsistencies… of craziness… of disconnection.. of fear of what would or could possibly trigger me… that life… it was gone and I wanted it to be gone…
But don’t you know that skeletons never stay in closets and the whispers of shame that haunt us in the dark linger…. Shame and embarrassment and stigma laid heavy upon my heart as did the memories of what my family had been through…
It would take a gathering of people to bring God’s healing to me…. Not an event…. Not a conference… a life being lived together… it would take a woman willing to risk her emotions to sit in front of me and confront me with truth and love…. It would take a husband not willing to accept anything less than who I was to be in God… we learned together… we cried together… we walked upon a path together… a path of trust.. a path with no guarantees but a path of hope…
Community isn’t convenience…. Commitment isn’t about what feels good today… we aren’t transformed when we hop around from place to place and people to people because as in a marriage there are times where we walk through the worst of for “better or for worse..” we walk through the poorer in the “for richer or for poorer,” we walk through the sickness in the “in sickness and in health..”
I have friends who share their stories with me as they have walked almost two decades with each other… couples in ministry together… they have had sickness and health… they have rejoiced and they have cried… they have been weak and they have been strong… they have known better and they have known worse….
These friends .. these marvelous .. amazing… beautiful .. incredible … stunning human beings… they change my life and challenge me to see things in a different way… to know that there are really seasons… seasons to plant and seasons to reap…. And if we don’t risk living the in between together … after we have planted and before we have reaped… I know we miss out…
if we lack commitment and we lack stick to itness.. and we make it only about ourselves and comfort and our needs then we don’t ever really grow… and I do believe we end up missing out on the most precious aspects of living life together…. And that which God would really do amongst us….. At times we lose out on seeing a season come because we weren’t willing to notice it wasn’t yet Spring even though we wanted it to be … we were still in the middle of December and winter wasn’t close to being over…
We take our lives and our loyalties and we go to the next great thing… guess what I have learned about the “next great thing” … it really isn’t ever different and the season of leaving gets repeated within months if not sooner or maybe a tad longer … but it happens…. It happens until we as a people resolve that if I am a part of this… then I am a part and I won’t leave haphazardly and I won’t leave because it isn’t easy or perfect… what truly ever is… nothing….
It takes commitment to walk with a community.. that idea that this isn’t just about me and my needs or my wants… but that this about all of us… this is about the body… this body…. And sometimes it has more to do with the other arm or the leg not me the hand … and if I commit to that… if I commit to that process of being a part and realizing that the whole isn’t just all about me but it is about growing together… than I really do believe we will see the most beautiful movements of our Lord….. within our lives and within our communities and we will see a growth in ourselves and a richness within ourselves when we allow ourselves to stay rooted and grounded… we will be transformed as we allow ourselves to take root and endure the winter seasons and await the spring together….
It takes that … it take that level of commitment to each other… that understanding that we are going to live life together and not hop in and out …. I’m done with my hopping days…. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living as I have committed to the land and I’m willing to walk through December together so that the Mays and the Junes will come….
Sunday, August 28, 2011
and I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat....
There are days and times I do not know where it is that I am headed ... but coming to this place and putting fingers to keys is something that brings me joy and life.... words fill the air around me and swirl together and fingers dance and leap to put them upon a screen and with eyes closed and keys clicking away I am brought into another place.....
I see a picture of myself pushing a wheelbarrow ... and in the wheelbarrow are so many things that at times the wheelbarrow looks like it is about to tip over.... and I am holding on with both hands and pushing with all my might..... when along comes the Lord and He takes a hold of the wheelbarrow with one hand and wraps His other arm around me and says, "walk with me..." "walk with me"....
I lean into Him and I am quiet.... we walk and walk and walk ... and I see all the things within the wheelbarrow come to pass..... we haven't even spoken... not one word passes between us because I was just so happy to be leaning and so full of quiet and solid delight that I didn't want to utter a syllable .....
Then He stopped and put the wheelbarrow down and just sat down right there upon the lane and motioned for me to sit next to Him..... and we sat there again in silence but I could feel the words .... I could feel them coming .... the love.. His love saturated the atmosphere ....
He declared I was His.... He then hushed me as I was about to say something ... and repeated that I was His.... He looked me in the eyes and took my chin in His hand and held my gaze completely as He said it yet again...... That I was His....
I did not belong to one thing in that wheelbarrow... not one thing owned me.. not one thing possessed me... not one thing was to capture my attentions or affections...
He looked at me and with a steadfastness and complete authority He spoke into the deepest part of my being and declared once again I was His..... and His alone..... PERIOD..... nothing else was to have my affections... nothing was to cause me to worry... nothing was to cause me to fret... nothing was to cause me to be anxious... His care and concern over me is perfect and nothing can step into that place....
And then I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat... and again with purpose and deliberate strength as if He was creating something anew and His authority to speak into creation and have it be and have it be good was swirling around me..... and while it was not a scream it was most certainly a furious roar... You are mine... He declared it ... He declared it over me ... around me... through me.... and I felt His passion and His jealousy and I knew... I knew that I was being trained to see in a whole different way.... not fully understanding all that was transpiring but realizing this that His declaration over my life was truly complete....
I am His..... I am His and His alone and He cares for me.... one plus one equals two.... He cares for me plus I need not be anxious equals life....
I see that which attempts to mold us and fashion us other than that fact and as we backed away from that moment... from the wheelbarrow... from the roar... He looked at me and smiled.... and we locked our gaze and all was right and beautiful....
I am my Father's daughter... I am my savior's beloved... I am so much more than I would have ever hoped or desired.... I am His.... and nothing ever gets to touch that fact and nothing ever gets to alter it....
I see a picture of myself pushing a wheelbarrow ... and in the wheelbarrow are so many things that at times the wheelbarrow looks like it is about to tip over.... and I am holding on with both hands and pushing with all my might..... when along comes the Lord and He takes a hold of the wheelbarrow with one hand and wraps His other arm around me and says, "walk with me..." "walk with me"....
I lean into Him and I am quiet.... we walk and walk and walk ... and I see all the things within the wheelbarrow come to pass..... we haven't even spoken... not one word passes between us because I was just so happy to be leaning and so full of quiet and solid delight that I didn't want to utter a syllable .....
Then He stopped and put the wheelbarrow down and just sat down right there upon the lane and motioned for me to sit next to Him..... and we sat there again in silence but I could feel the words .... I could feel them coming .... the love.. His love saturated the atmosphere ....
He declared I was His.... He then hushed me as I was about to say something ... and repeated that I was His.... He looked me in the eyes and took my chin in His hand and held my gaze completely as He said it yet again...... That I was His....
I did not belong to one thing in that wheelbarrow... not one thing owned me.. not one thing possessed me... not one thing was to capture my attentions or affections...
He looked at me and with a steadfastness and complete authority He spoke into the deepest part of my being and declared once again I was His..... and His alone..... PERIOD..... nothing else was to have my affections... nothing was to cause me to worry... nothing was to cause me to fret... nothing was to cause me to be anxious... His care and concern over me is perfect and nothing can step into that place....
And then I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat... and again with purpose and deliberate strength as if He was creating something anew and His authority to speak into creation and have it be and have it be good was swirling around me..... and while it was not a scream it was most certainly a furious roar... You are mine... He declared it ... He declared it over me ... around me... through me.... and I felt His passion and His jealousy and I knew... I knew that I was being trained to see in a whole different way.... not fully understanding all that was transpiring but realizing this that His declaration over my life was truly complete....
I am His..... I am His and His alone and He cares for me.... one plus one equals two.... He cares for me plus I need not be anxious equals life....
I see that which attempts to mold us and fashion us other than that fact and as we backed away from that moment... from the wheelbarrow... from the roar... He looked at me and smiled.... and we locked our gaze and all was right and beautiful....
I am my Father's daughter... I am my savior's beloved... I am so much more than I would have ever hoped or desired.... I am His.... and nothing ever gets to touch that fact and nothing ever gets to alter it....
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
loving kindness comes alive as a cloud descends
I have a dear friend who teaches on the concept of loving kindness in such a brilliant way…. He has someone stand up and then takes the scriptures that speak of loving kindness and how we are crowned with it and how it follows us and how it goes before us and how we are sheltered in it… By the time he is done reading the scriptures and having people get up and stand in the place that is mentioned the first person is surrounded by the tangible visualization of what the loving kindness of the Lord does and how He protects and sets up His presence all about us…..
Well… this whole concept grabbed a hold of my heart as I watched a woman be so touched by the truth of God’s word and how it applied to His loving kindness upon her life…. I would spend months seeking the Lord concerning the whole idea of it….
They are beautiful pictures and beautiful moments to watch as my friend travels through that teaching for people and yet I wondered…. I wondered about what it tangibly looked like beyond the moment… so I pursued the Lord as if I was the woman with the issue of blood pushing through the crowd to grab ahold of His garment… I wanted this… I knew how the loving kindness of God was revolutionary and I had experienced it but something inside said there was more…..
As I pursued Him with loving kindness specifically in mind I would come across days and I would know that the loving kindness of God was crowning me and that my thoughts and opinions were being fashioned and formed by His thoughts and opinions and that He was bringing me deeper into the realization of the power of His love… and I saw my life being transformed by the loving kindness of God as it crowned me…
Last night I wasn’t even thinking upon the loving kindnesses of God as I headed to bed… it had been a long weekend and I was ready to try and get some rest…. As I laid down and my head hit the pillow the presence of the Lord settled in all around me… I felt that Jesus was behind me and then I felt that Jesus was in front of me and then the presence of God got stronger and stronger and I felt that Jesus was by my feet as well as above my head and that I was surrounded tangibly by the loving kindness of the Lord… it was as if I was placed in the middle of a cloud and the cloud surrounded me and was a buffer between me and the world….
I fell asleep wrapped by the loving kindness and presence of God and the picture that my friend taught about came to life in a whole new way….
Well… this whole concept grabbed a hold of my heart as I watched a woman be so touched by the truth of God’s word and how it applied to His loving kindness upon her life…. I would spend months seeking the Lord concerning the whole idea of it….
They are beautiful pictures and beautiful moments to watch as my friend travels through that teaching for people and yet I wondered…. I wondered about what it tangibly looked like beyond the moment… so I pursued the Lord as if I was the woman with the issue of blood pushing through the crowd to grab ahold of His garment… I wanted this… I knew how the loving kindness of God was revolutionary and I had experienced it but something inside said there was more…..
As I pursued Him with loving kindness specifically in mind I would come across days and I would know that the loving kindness of God was crowning me and that my thoughts and opinions were being fashioned and formed by His thoughts and opinions and that He was bringing me deeper into the realization of the power of His love… and I saw my life being transformed by the loving kindness of God as it crowned me…
Last night I wasn’t even thinking upon the loving kindnesses of God as I headed to bed… it had been a long weekend and I was ready to try and get some rest…. As I laid down and my head hit the pillow the presence of the Lord settled in all around me… I felt that Jesus was behind me and then I felt that Jesus was in front of me and then the presence of God got stronger and stronger and I felt that Jesus was by my feet as well as above my head and that I was surrounded tangibly by the loving kindness of the Lord… it was as if I was placed in the middle of a cloud and the cloud surrounded me and was a buffer between me and the world….
I fell asleep wrapped by the loving kindness and presence of God and the picture that my friend taught about came to life in a whole new way….
Friday, August 12, 2011
I can't just give it lip service
There has been a topic swirling around in my head for days now... the whole concept of waiting upon the Lord... (not waiting on Him for anything in particular just waiting upon Him) now its in regards to a message I'll be speaking however my husband and I wondered if the Lord was simply teaching me to wait upon Him and do all this thinking and praying and processing only at the end of it to have learned what it is to wait upon Him and so then truly have the message ... and it not even be about waiting ...
I guess we will see...
But I'll tell you this.. I have wanted to come at this topic honestly.. I don't want to stand in front of people and ever say something off the cuff even if it is truth.. it is important for me to be authentic and transparent and as I heard the phrase, "wait upon the Lord..." a knot formed in the pit of my stomach...
Sure I could pull forth the scriptures about strength being renewed and all the marvelous things that the psalms speak of when one considers the person who waits upon the Lord and what indeed he or she is waiting for....
But as I thought about the topic and it landed time and time again upon my person I was brought to this place where I had to come face to face with the lack of trust I had in this area and the dread of waiting upon the Lord that existed within me....
What if I wait upon the Lord and His timing is not my timing and I lack perseverance to stay the course... what if I wait upon the Lord and nothing happens... how will I deal with the discrepancy between what I think something says or means and the truth of it..
I saw in the core of my gut this reaction that didn't surprise me but startled me how deep it went... this feeling of fear in regards to what if I wait and nothing happens.... or even what if I wait and the opposite to what I hoped would happen happens.... oh sure... sure.. I can speak forth all the cover ups... talk about timing and faith and how we just don't always know why something doesn't happen the way we even thought we heard God say it would.... and I can self speak and express how well maybe I heard it wrong or maybe it was just me... etc etc etc.....
As I journeyed through the whole issue many things came forward... first the realization that I don't always open myself up or actually let me be honest I have almost thoroughly closed off aspects to hearing from God because of fear... fear of being wrong... of not getting it right.. of hearing something and then having to struggle with the whole how will it happen or when will it happen etc etc etc....
I realized I have cut myself off from hearing God in some areas because I don't want to be disappointed again.. I don't trust myself in those areas to hear rightly and so I don't want to hear at all.. and yet even as I write I can feel what that has truly done to me and the sadness of it lingers... Oh Lord bring your perfect love here to this place and wash away the fear and residue of concern and bring forth within me the heart to hear all that you have to say... regardless of cost to my person... I do repent for pushing you out of this place in my life and I hunger for You and Your ways to step into this place and I speak forth that I am willing to hear all that You have to share even if in the course of that happening I face being wrong.. being wrong would be better than cutting you off... forgive me dearest Father and heal my heart....
Pray that with me if there are aspects in your heart that resonate...
And then comes the flesh... I think my soul is afflicted in the areas of hope and my heart and my mind wage war against what my spirit knows to be true... But then comes the flesh and I live in a culture that wants what they want and they want it now.. and waiting .. waiting in an era where at the drop of a second I have so much at the tip of my fingers.. waiting seems to be a lost art....
Now here is where reality stepped in and I say reality because the most real aspect of my life is Him... and after battling with all the emotions and all the desires of my flesh ... I began to know in that same place.. in my gut that had been so tied in knots.... that I do not wait as one who has no hope... that my hope is assured... because I wait upon the Lord...
And then the issue of trust came flying forward... and how thoroughly do I trust Him .. how thoroughly do I trust Him to lead me... to guide me... knowing that I get it wrong... knowing that I don't understand His ways as I would hunger and yearn to want to.... How thoroughly do I trust Him as I am called to trust... the whole trust in the Lord with all your strength.. (hhhhhmmmm ... all my strength) and lean not onto my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path.... Do I trust Him??? Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with all my strength? Do I lean upon Him and not upon my own understanding of even myself?
If I believe that He is truly indeed who He is and do not doubt then this is possible... but what I saw within myself as I danced with the formation of this message is that doubt lingered in places in my heart where pain from past disappointments and failures or places of confusion existed... that I did doubt...
Was it the faithfulness of God that I was doubting? Was it my capacity to truly know Him that I was concerned about? Was I afraid of just getting it so wrong and not knowing what it was I thought I knew?
And then the reality of I need to know God in this area... I truly need to know God in this area all the more... and I'm not willing to pay it lip service... this doubt or fear that exists within me ... is there... and while confession of the truth and His word eases the discomfort I find myself back at the beginning... I must truly wait upon the Lord... I must wait upon Him to bring forth His healing ...
I walk with Him.. I know Him... I love Him .... and yet in this place in my heart my knowledge of Him is faulty.. not Him faulty... but my knowledge of Him in this place... and He desires for me to be whole.... I am asking for bread and I do have courage to believe that He will not give me a stone... I don't know what it will look like but I know I must venture there....
A friend shared a story of children who were adopted and brought over to this country from Africa.... in a day's time they went from a small orphanage in a tiny village to a major metropolitan airport.... and they say an escalator for the first time in their lives.....
I haven't walked this way before there are places that I know I am to walk into but I don't know how.... places of knowing Him that are so foreign to me and all my experiences that I have no grid to even place them upon... But in this place I make the decision to lean not on my own understanding or that which the world would tell me... I decide not to listen to the scream within my soul nor my flesh... I hunger for truth in the innermost places and because of that He has touched this place... and so I sit... I sit and I wait upon the Lord.....
I guess we will see...
But I'll tell you this.. I have wanted to come at this topic honestly.. I don't want to stand in front of people and ever say something off the cuff even if it is truth.. it is important for me to be authentic and transparent and as I heard the phrase, "wait upon the Lord..." a knot formed in the pit of my stomach...
Sure I could pull forth the scriptures about strength being renewed and all the marvelous things that the psalms speak of when one considers the person who waits upon the Lord and what indeed he or she is waiting for....
But as I thought about the topic and it landed time and time again upon my person I was brought to this place where I had to come face to face with the lack of trust I had in this area and the dread of waiting upon the Lord that existed within me....
What if I wait upon the Lord and His timing is not my timing and I lack perseverance to stay the course... what if I wait upon the Lord and nothing happens... how will I deal with the discrepancy between what I think something says or means and the truth of it..
I saw in the core of my gut this reaction that didn't surprise me but startled me how deep it went... this feeling of fear in regards to what if I wait and nothing happens.... or even what if I wait and the opposite to what I hoped would happen happens.... oh sure... sure.. I can speak forth all the cover ups... talk about timing and faith and how we just don't always know why something doesn't happen the way we even thought we heard God say it would.... and I can self speak and express how well maybe I heard it wrong or maybe it was just me... etc etc etc.....
As I journeyed through the whole issue many things came forward... first the realization that I don't always open myself up or actually let me be honest I have almost thoroughly closed off aspects to hearing from God because of fear... fear of being wrong... of not getting it right.. of hearing something and then having to struggle with the whole how will it happen or when will it happen etc etc etc....
I realized I have cut myself off from hearing God in some areas because I don't want to be disappointed again.. I don't trust myself in those areas to hear rightly and so I don't want to hear at all.. and yet even as I write I can feel what that has truly done to me and the sadness of it lingers... Oh Lord bring your perfect love here to this place and wash away the fear and residue of concern and bring forth within me the heart to hear all that you have to say... regardless of cost to my person... I do repent for pushing you out of this place in my life and I hunger for You and Your ways to step into this place and I speak forth that I am willing to hear all that You have to share even if in the course of that happening I face being wrong.. being wrong would be better than cutting you off... forgive me dearest Father and heal my heart....
Pray that with me if there are aspects in your heart that resonate...
And then comes the flesh... I think my soul is afflicted in the areas of hope and my heart and my mind wage war against what my spirit knows to be true... But then comes the flesh and I live in a culture that wants what they want and they want it now.. and waiting .. waiting in an era where at the drop of a second I have so much at the tip of my fingers.. waiting seems to be a lost art....
Now here is where reality stepped in and I say reality because the most real aspect of my life is Him... and after battling with all the emotions and all the desires of my flesh ... I began to know in that same place.. in my gut that had been so tied in knots.... that I do not wait as one who has no hope... that my hope is assured... because I wait upon the Lord...
And then the issue of trust came flying forward... and how thoroughly do I trust Him .. how thoroughly do I trust Him to lead me... to guide me... knowing that I get it wrong... knowing that I don't understand His ways as I would hunger and yearn to want to.... How thoroughly do I trust Him as I am called to trust... the whole trust in the Lord with all your strength.. (hhhhhmmmm ... all my strength) and lean not onto my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path.... Do I trust Him??? Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with all my strength? Do I lean upon Him and not upon my own understanding of even myself?
If I believe that He is truly indeed who He is and do not doubt then this is possible... but what I saw within myself as I danced with the formation of this message is that doubt lingered in places in my heart where pain from past disappointments and failures or places of confusion existed... that I did doubt...
Was it the faithfulness of God that I was doubting? Was it my capacity to truly know Him that I was concerned about? Was I afraid of just getting it so wrong and not knowing what it was I thought I knew?
And then the reality of I need to know God in this area... I truly need to know God in this area all the more... and I'm not willing to pay it lip service... this doubt or fear that exists within me ... is there... and while confession of the truth and His word eases the discomfort I find myself back at the beginning... I must truly wait upon the Lord... I must wait upon Him to bring forth His healing ...
I walk with Him.. I know Him... I love Him .... and yet in this place in my heart my knowledge of Him is faulty.. not Him faulty... but my knowledge of Him in this place... and He desires for me to be whole.... I am asking for bread and I do have courage to believe that He will not give me a stone... I don't know what it will look like but I know I must venture there....
A friend shared a story of children who were adopted and brought over to this country from Africa.... in a day's time they went from a small orphanage in a tiny village to a major metropolitan airport.... and they say an escalator for the first time in their lives.....
I haven't walked this way before there are places that I know I am to walk into but I don't know how.... places of knowing Him that are so foreign to me and all my experiences that I have no grid to even place them upon... But in this place I make the decision to lean not on my own understanding or that which the world would tell me... I decide not to listen to the scream within my soul nor my flesh... I hunger for truth in the innermost places and because of that He has touched this place... and so I sit... I sit and I wait upon the Lord.....
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
this daily bread
Such anger.. such fear... such confusion... can you feel it in the air? Panic.. dread.. hostility... trembling...
I close my eyes and see manna falling from Heaven.. not metaphorically speaking here.. but real food... I see water bursting forth from rocks.. I see the lame walking and the blind seeing and the deaf hearing.. I see those that have labored as fisherman of old being told to put down their nets one more time and into their boats loads of fish are brought forth...
I close my eyes and I silence myself and I rest in the knowledge of God...
This world does not get to dictate to me what to think or how to interpret world events.. this world does not get to say that I am poor.. it does not get to say that I am lame.. it does not get to measure my successes or my failures... it does not get to judge my life according to its standards.. it does not, like in the case of Saul, get to put its armor upon my person...
There is one who comes and takes my hands and holds my gaze into His and into His heart I journey... when we sit upon situations like those that the disciples sat in on a boat on the lake of Galilee .. He speaks for all to be still... The elements of life upon this world do not get to dictate reality... They do not get to have the last word....
He has life in the midst of trouble.. He has peace in the midst of suffering... He has tenderness in the days of anxiety... He speaks of another way of life... to look beyond what would ravage our souls and know that there is a way of life and light and peace that can be walked in no matter what rages around us....
I have come to a prayer often throughout the day... a prayer of this daily bread.. in all areas of life I am resting my head upon Him .. wanting to learn from Him.. know Him.. know His ways...
I close my eyes and I see the face of a Savior that writes upon the days of my life His story.. quietness and stillness have become my companions all the more... and waiting upon the Lord has become my daily bread... He changes that which is around us and beyond quieting the seas of life He quiets my soul and in those moments He stands ...
He stands as revolutionary.. He lays as babe in the manger and hangs as Savior upon a cross and walks as man upon a world in desperate need and rules as one who has tasted suffering and death and has overcome.. to Him be the glory forever and ever..
I close my eyes and see manna falling from Heaven.. not metaphorically speaking here.. but real food... I see water bursting forth from rocks.. I see the lame walking and the blind seeing and the deaf hearing.. I see those that have labored as fisherman of old being told to put down their nets one more time and into their boats loads of fish are brought forth...
I close my eyes and I silence myself and I rest in the knowledge of God...
This world does not get to dictate to me what to think or how to interpret world events.. this world does not get to say that I am poor.. it does not get to say that I am lame.. it does not get to measure my successes or my failures... it does not get to judge my life according to its standards.. it does not, like in the case of Saul, get to put its armor upon my person...
There is one who comes and takes my hands and holds my gaze into His and into His heart I journey... when we sit upon situations like those that the disciples sat in on a boat on the lake of Galilee .. He speaks for all to be still... The elements of life upon this world do not get to dictate reality... They do not get to have the last word....
He has life in the midst of trouble.. He has peace in the midst of suffering... He has tenderness in the days of anxiety... He speaks of another way of life... to look beyond what would ravage our souls and know that there is a way of life and light and peace that can be walked in no matter what rages around us....
I have come to a prayer often throughout the day... a prayer of this daily bread.. in all areas of life I am resting my head upon Him .. wanting to learn from Him.. know Him.. know His ways...
I close my eyes and I see the face of a Savior that writes upon the days of my life His story.. quietness and stillness have become my companions all the more... and waiting upon the Lord has become my daily bread... He changes that which is around us and beyond quieting the seas of life He quiets my soul and in those moments He stands ...
He stands as revolutionary.. He lays as babe in the manger and hangs as Savior upon a cross and walks as man upon a world in desperate need and rules as one who has tasted suffering and death and has overcome.. to Him be the glory forever and ever..
and in that knowledge I take refuge....
I sit here tonight and to the core of who I am am overwhelmed with the lovingkindness and tenderness of our God... in such a small way I have come tonight and seen as He has taken oh such amazing care of my soul....
As questions arose in my heart over issues that are too lofty for me and too weighty for me to consider... as thoughts came to try and tear at my heart... as I pondered the ways of man and the thoughts and intentions of man I heard my Father speak and watched as He painted a picture of His heart and as He shared His heart with me that which I had thought about and that which I had considered and that which came to bring harm was washed away....
I laid in my bed thinking about things that were transpiring around me... things truly out of my control.. on many different fronts I have watched and am watching as events play out around my life that affect me and yet seemingly have a life of their own
I must put in here that I don't jump thoroughly into specifics here to protect or to be vague but because there is enough in the world and each in life that each person can place within the confines of this story their own and yet the message of "But God" comes to bear in all our lives and journeys ..
The anxieties of this world can eat at our hearts until we are so riddled with fear that we are ineffective and dead... if not in actuality just rendered so useless by fear and fatigue that we are unable to operate in such a way as our truest nature as sons and daughters would have us be able to....
In reading 1 Peter recently an understanding of why we are called (1 Peter 5)
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
All our anxieties can be cast upon Him because He cares for us.. He cares for us.. each and everyone of us and in that knowledge we can rest.. and in understanding His care we are given the greatest tool to stand against the prowling of the enemy... in knowing that our God.. creator of Heaven and Earth cares for us we are empowered to resist the enemy and to stand firm in the faith that we are children of a Father whose affections know no bounds.. whose affections are stronger than anything on earth or beyond.. whose affections strengthen and establish us...
His affections establish me and as found in Psalm 40 speaks of...
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
In times and places where we end up feeling more like Joseph having been thrown into the pit by brothers... or falsely accused by employers.. or forgotten by fellow inmates... we can trust in the Lord and know that our footing is assured... and that a day where the promises come forth and the dreams that God has given come into reality ..
Beyond any promise.. or any dream coming true I say this... I am His... I am His daughter.. I am His friend.. I am His .. I am the one He loves... and that truth beyond any spoken promise or granted dream is what I rest my head upon.. that He cares for me.. and in that knowledge I take refuge....
As questions arose in my heart over issues that are too lofty for me and too weighty for me to consider... as thoughts came to try and tear at my heart... as I pondered the ways of man and the thoughts and intentions of man I heard my Father speak and watched as He painted a picture of His heart and as He shared His heart with me that which I had thought about and that which I had considered and that which came to bring harm was washed away....
I laid in my bed thinking about things that were transpiring around me... things truly out of my control.. on many different fronts I have watched and am watching as events play out around my life that affect me and yet seemingly have a life of their own
I must put in here that I don't jump thoroughly into specifics here to protect or to be vague but because there is enough in the world and each in life that each person can place within the confines of this story their own and yet the message of "But God" comes to bear in all our lives and journeys ..
The anxieties of this world can eat at our hearts until we are so riddled with fear that we are ineffective and dead... if not in actuality just rendered so useless by fear and fatigue that we are unable to operate in such a way as our truest nature as sons and daughters would have us be able to....
In reading 1 Peter recently an understanding of why we are called (1 Peter 5)
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
All our anxieties can be cast upon Him because He cares for us.. He cares for us.. each and everyone of us and in that knowledge we can rest.. and in understanding His care we are given the greatest tool to stand against the prowling of the enemy... in knowing that our God.. creator of Heaven and Earth cares for us we are empowered to resist the enemy and to stand firm in the faith that we are children of a Father whose affections know no bounds.. whose affections are stronger than anything on earth or beyond.. whose affections strengthen and establish us...
His affections establish me and as found in Psalm 40 speaks of...
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
In times and places where we end up feeling more like Joseph having been thrown into the pit by brothers... or falsely accused by employers.. or forgotten by fellow inmates... we can trust in the Lord and know that our footing is assured... and that a day where the promises come forth and the dreams that God has given come into reality ..
Beyond any promise.. or any dream coming true I say this... I am His... I am His daughter.. I am His friend.. I am His .. I am the one He loves... and that truth beyond any spoken promise or granted dream is what I rest my head upon.. that He cares for me.. and in that knowledge I take refuge....
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