A Father's Victory

As I watch the Lord spin around me and create a web of connections I stand in awe of what He does. Unless the Lord builds the house the work done is all in vain… Vanity .. Futile or worthless. Such the opposite of what He longs to create…. He has beckoned me to play this evening…. He has taken my hand and with a joyful smile and that glint in His eye He has said come… come away with me….. He knows me so very well……. He knows how to bring delight into the core of my being… He knows how to Father me and He knows where I love to walk… and He brings me there along side of Himself… declaring I am His daughter… declaring that He is my Father…. I am His .. thoroughly … completely His…..

I witnessed something in the last few days that mirrored some very terrifying events from my younger days ….what seems to be a completely different life but yet truly wasn’t …. I tried to walk around that which I saw and leave it alone…. I tried to get to a place where I could just push it aside and ignore that which I saw…. Today it caught up with me…. exhausted from lack of sleep and troubled by haunting images I began to crumble…….. But He has set me into His shadow and He keeps me so very well…. And while He brought rest to my soul … He brought comfort to my heart……

It is out of these moments when the past screams in and along with a vicious enemy declares its intentions for my life….. Not the first time I have heard them and certainly not the last…. Words declared over my life were of death and destruction….. It was said of me that I would never be able to walk in this world as a connected human being…. That I should never marry… that I should never have children.. that I would never understand right from wrong… that I would never have a conscious….. the affects of walking where I had walked had born down upon me their weight and had left nothing but a skeleton of a human being. And the verdict or so called verdict was in……. Not so!

Not so at all….. God has this effect on a pile of dry bones… He brings them to life….. and they are no longer laying in a valley but standing strong…. I am a daughter… clothed in armor and ready for battle…. A battle where I know love will be the victor and the bones of others will be put together and brought back to life… and an army will arise with passion in their hearts and joy in their steps for a Father has called them forth….

Maybe one day the images of days gone by will no longer have any grasp upon my soul and nothing I would ever see would lay a hold of my heart and trigger pain but if that day does not come while I walk this Earth then I will rejoice and be glad for in my weakness He is made strong…. And on a day when the past tried to barrel into the present He stood and said “NO!” He has not left me alone nor has He ever forsaken me …. He has brought to my side His presence and fellow members of His body and He has led me beside the shadowed valleys into a gloriously lighted path….. darkness does not get its way….. For His light obliterates the darkness…. And His delight is in bringing forth life and light and liberty…..

Out of this place is coming forth an expression of His heart ….. something whose banner reads “Becoming You.” In the stages of pregnancy with this it is a joining of women…. A coming forth and a calling forth of women.. old and young… to enter into the passions of a Father… to be empowered to leap forth over the obstacles that would bind and tear down and become daughters and sisters…. In the days and months to come there will be more….. lots more…. And I know that my eyes will watch the joy of my Lord roll out upon His daughters as He lavishes His great love upon us all…….. How marvelous are His works…. I delight in them all…..

Consider this: The Father has given us his love. He loves us so much that we are actually called God's dear children. And that's what we are. 1 John 3:1

I ache to be known

I yearn to be loved

I hunger to belong

There is a quiet sadness that sometimes enters my soul and I sit and close my eyes and allow you to bring Your kind touch into my world. In those moments You change all things... in those moments You still my lack and fill my need.

In those moments when I would dissolve into a puddle You speak forth strength into my bones and sustain me..... when I am weary from the journey you bid me rest... when I feel lost and alone you shepherd me into Your fold and cause the ninety-nine to wait upon us until you have brought me fully in...

You father me.. You delight in me... You rejoice over me... You know my name... You know me... You love me... You spread your affections over me ... You clothe me in righteousness... You lead me... You shelter me... You hide me..... You crown me.... You govern me.... You call me Your own... You beckon me to come... You redeem me.... You died for me.. You live for me...

When I have ached to be known You have known me.. You know all my days... You know all the hairs on my head.. You watched as I was formed in my mother's womb... You have known all my days before one of them was ever even lived... I am known.....

When I have yearned for love and hungered to belong you have beckoned me to come to Your side and receive from You. You have championed me and fought for me and interceded for me and worked on me and have never faltered in Your affections towards me....

In Your presence is the fullness of joy... joy not based on circumstances or situation... joy not dependent on things of this world.. but in You is the fullness of joy found..... when sorrow or loneliness or fear would come and touch my soul You stand and in Your perfect love shield me from their sting.

I have ached to be known and You have known me

I have yearn to be loved and You have loved me

I have hungered to belong and you have given me a home inside Your heart that I can call my own.......

Loneliness fights a battle it cannot win and the depths of sorrow and sighing must give way to the joy that rides on the morning...... darkness gives way to the light and pain to the healing touches of Gilead..... No matter how dark or long the night... the dawning of a new morning always comes and with it there is healing in its wings.........

Buddy the Elf

There is a scene in the movie Elf..............

( rabbit trail with me for a moment.... I never laughed or cried so hard at a movie..... my kids will to this day tell you how I laughed and laughed at that silly little movie and yet there was something on it for me... and in its simplicity it spoke volumes.)

Don't quite know how to give you a synopsis of this movie except to say Will Ferrell plays a human orphan who gets adopted by Santa.. he is raised in the North Pole and then one day realizes he is different and is told he isn't an elf and goes to Manhattan to find his Father.... seriously.... this movie spoke to me... we can't choose what He uses .. I'm just glad He does...

So at one point Papa Elf is talking to Buddy about the lack of Christmas spirit and when he tells him that not everyone believes in Santa (bare with me here) Buddy is incredulous. He has seen him... grown up with him... watched him.... etc.... etc.... etc... He has knowledge of the things that make Santa ... Santa...

Well when I watched that movie for the first time it was moments like that one that grabbed a hold of my heart and it obviously wasn't about Santa.....

A son of mine was giddy... he had been in a history class where they had talked about some council and how in a vote they almost but one vote would have with their decision made someone else Jesus' mother...... He was challenging me about the basic tenets of the Christian belief. I just laughed... I said to him that many go to seminary and hear these things and more... I explained to him about authorship of books being challenged... and all the different things that get stirred up in an academic environment... and then I told him how I got saved....

No one ever witnessed to me..... some of you have heard that my only exposure to anything "Jesus" was Little House on the Prairie.... Seriously....

So I told Him... One night in a very dark and lonely place... as I stood by a window ... words came out of my mouth like the sinners prayer. I spoke to God and said to Him that I didn't even know if He existed... or if He was real.. but if He did and if He was and if He came to me ... then ... Then I would give Him my whole life to Him.. if He would just come to me .....

I told my son that the words weren't out of my mouth when the room filled with a presence and a reality and a light so strong that from that moment though I have faltered I have never been able to push away the reality of God. In that moment I knew 5 things... I knew there was a God, I knew it had to do about Jesus, the cross, the bible, and that He was going to lead me somewhere to teach me about Himself......

For months upon months after that moment He walked with me and talked with me and never left my side...... His eyes gazed at me and burned into me, His love washed over me, His hand held me up, HIs kindness gently moved me through that first season of knowing Him.....

Though there have been many a moment when I have faltered.... I have seen too much.. walked too far to ever deny who He is........ Robed in majesty and yet a Father who gently and compassionately leads His people.... Holy in all His ways yet stoops down to sit with us.... Creator of all Heaven and Earth and yet so in love with the object of His affections ... with the Masterpiece He calls forth in each of us ... that if He did not contain Himself His heartbeat would send shock waves throughout the universe.... His penetrating glance undoes me and I walk undone... His patience startles me ... His strength makes me... His kindness moves me... His touch melts me....

I long for the knowledge of Him to fill the Earth... I long for the lost and the hungry and the broken and the list could go on and on.... I long for those needing salvation and those within the family of believers ... that we would all know His passions.... They are for us.... The heartbeat of God pulsates with a wonder and a power and an ache....... He yearns for us .. It amazes me and may my amazement go even deeper still that my Creator aches for me ... yearns for me to be with Him and walk with Him and look up at Him and hear Him and love Him..... may we walk into the understanding even more fully that the Heavenly gates stand wide and open and that as His we can walk straight in and up... straight in and up with boldness and confidence... because we are His.. His sons and His daughters..... we belong.... we are a people ... we are His....

With Childlike faith I want to journey until the end of my days.... He sustains all.. His breath is in all ... He holds up all.. He brings forth the Sun to run its course and He makes all things new.....

That is why I fell in love with Buddy so many years ago... with childlike faith that character walks in and out of circumstances and believes.................

Unrelentingly Full of Mercy and Grace and Love

There are times and seasons and moments that I would rather have never existed..... at the hands of others I became like the dry bones Ezekiel speaks of ... void of life.... I was like a vapor traveling through the minutes and the days and the weeks and the months and the years of life unconnected .

Ezekiel and God.... uhm

Ezekiel 37:1-14 (The Message)
Ezekiel 37
Breath of Life
1-2 God grabbed me. God's Spirit took me up and set me down in the middle of an open plain strewn with bones. He led me around and among them—a lot of bones! There were bones all over the plain—dry bones, bleached by the sun.
3 He said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"
I said, "Master God, only you know that."
4 He said to me, "Prophesy over these bones: 'Dry bones, listen to the Message of God!'"
5-6 God, the Master, told the dry bones, "Watch this: I'm bringing the breath of life to you and you'll come to life. I'll attach sinews to you, put meat on your bones, cover you with skin, and breathe life into you. You'll come alive and you'll realize that I am God!"
7-8 I prophesied just as I'd been commanded. As I prophesied, there was a sound and, oh, rustling! The bones moved and came together, bone to bone. I kept watching. Sinews formed, then muscles on the bones, then skin stretched over them. But they had no breath in them.
9 He said to me, "Prophesy to the breath. Prophesy, son of man. Tell the breath, 'God, the Master, says, Come from the four winds. Come, breath. Breathe on these slain bodies. Breathe life!'"
10 So I prophesied, just as he commanded me. The breath entered them and they came alive! They stood up on their feet, a huge army.
11 Then God said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. Listen to what they're saying: 'Our bones are dried up, our hope is gone, there's nothing left of us.'
12-14 "Therefore, prophesy. Tell them, 'God, the Master, says: I'll dig up your graves and bring you out alive—O my people! Then I'll take you straight to the land of Israel. When I dig up graves and bring you out as my people, you'll realize that I am God. I'll breathe my life into you and you'll live. Then I'll lead you straight back to your land and you'll realize that I am God. I've said it and I'll do it. God's Decree.'"


There were those who said these bones of mine wouldn't live... wouldn't thrive... couldn't.... too far gone. They were wrong... and I came to life... and He attached to me strength and put upon me grace and covered me with mercy and filled me with Himself.

This passage is precious to me....For I too can see a battlefield stretched out before me with bones on every side..... But I am not like those who have no hope..... That I walk where I walk screams forth hope....

There has been something on my heart for weeks now... something I have hesitated to write about but I come this morning to make an attempt. Please bare with me as I don't think this will be my most eloquent piece..... Leaving specifics alone... I share this..... I was one who lacked a conscious.. I was one who was completely void of attachment to humanity..... I was a skeleton of a person.... walking .. talking skeleton but that was all....

I have wondered about those who we hear about in the news... murderers ... destructive fringe elements that walk our streets and harm innocent people.... where some might think how can they do that... I don't think that at all... I know..... We cannot ascribe reason or process such things with a rational mind...

I am trying to get somewhere and don't know how ... except right now I am just going to take the plunge..... I am stirred to a place of sight and passion and longing..... There have been those that have fought for me.... fought for me to get to where I walk today...... there are those who laid their lives down and then laid their lives down again and again and again... and sacrificed holidays.. and sacrificed sleep night after night after night... those that laid down schedules and laid down their agendas and picked up God's.... and fought.. and fought... when I couldn't .... they did and they did time and time and time again..... and I am moved to a place these past weeks to look up and see God and receive from Him this same heart..... for the wounded... for the broken... for the ones that were left behind.... but not just the victims of the things that happen that we wish we didn't have to know about but for the ones who act upon others and commit the most horrific betrayals of humanity.

I have seen it... bit by bit the Father has wooed me to a place to see ..... He has gently and quietly walked me beside stilled waters and asked me to receive His heart.... He has held my hand and leaned over me so that in His shadow I have rested and He has sheltered me and in His tower I have received strength and He has presented to me His case...........He has sat with me and gently abided with me and looked into my eyes and I into His and I saw.... I saw His passions.... His heart... His people... He does not see abused and abuser... He sees those His son died for... He does not just received the child ... He receives the molester.... He does not just receive the tortured... He receives the torturer..... He does not just receive the raped... He receives the raper...... He does not just receive the murdered ... He receives the murderer... our Cross is THAT big.... and I can write this.... I mean no harm to the victims...oh God knows to the depth that I mean no harm by writing these words.. but I must I must write them.... I mean no lack of understanding.. if only you knew..... but the perpetrators' sin is no greater than my sin..... their need is no less.. their depravity no more.....

The cross.... upon which He died.... His blood shed .... His forgiveness spoken ..
Luke 23:34 (The Message)
34-35Jesus prayed, "Father, forgive them; they don't know what they're doing."


And my heart has come to a place where the hope that I have I give... and the life I have I give... and I know that I know that I know that there is not a human being too far gone that God can not reach.. there is not a mind too broken.. there is not a heart too dark that God can't touch.... our God is huge and His royal Father's heart is strong and passionate and is arising for His sons and daughters.... He will speak life into the bones of mankind.. to the broken.. to the lost... to the crazy... and in turn... there will arise an army of believers unlike the world has ever known... whose eyes are solely fixed on their creator.. who not just created them in their mother's wombs BUT recreated them and built them back up and stood them on their feet and breathed back into them the breath of life... and we will walk forward an army filled with the passions of God and the love of God that in the darkest of times will break forth with light and healing and hope and victory....... Because that is who our God is... He is determined and deliberate and in love... fully and unrelentingly full of mercy and grace and love.....

Weakness does its work well

Weakness is such an interesting experience. Standing outside today with the AC repair man I found myself in a situation where weakness was taking over and that was that..... looking at the man, oh so many thoughts ran through my head.... as I began to feel cold and clammy thoughts became cloudy and I grabbed a hold of the unit.... Terrified I was about to pass out or throw up on the man with my two youngest kids inside.... I looked up at him and said I didn't feel good and turned around to walk towards the house. I got inside and I laid (before falling) down onto the floor.

I want this weakness to brand me...... Not that I am glad I feel ill tonight but I embrace the physical picture of weakness as a reminder that I am always weak and only through His strength am I made perfect...... I'm not shy nor do I appreciate false humility.... I think acknowledging what God has given is of utmost importance... however sometimes in my strength and abilities I can run forward and get ahead of myself. Yet desperately always desiring to dwell and rest and walk with Him into what He is doing and to admit that without Him there would be no good thing...

I have seen ministries obtain momentum... which I think can be the worst enemy of any ministry. In momentum things can take on a life of their own and eventually one can see that most of the operations could actually take place without the grace and presence of the Lord. This weakness tonight is a gift... a reminder .... to live a life weak before Him but strong in Him..... to appreciate success when given but to acknowledge whose success it is and to whom all the glory is given......

I love our Father's house... I love His Kingdom.. I love that one day all sickness and death will be gone.... I love who He is and I love.. I love.. being His daughter.... I picture myself gazing up towards Him and embracing His strength and perfection.... I picture His smile and His embrace... and I know... I truly know that in my weakness His strength is made perfect and for that I am glad.

Words only Lack to say it Well...

I think of Corrie Ten Boom and all that she saw and yet that which flowed out of her heart…. She saw the depravity of man in one of the worst times in modern history and was able to write:

"Even as the angry vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him....Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness....And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives along with the command, the love itself."
— Corrie ten Boom (The Hiding Place)

Only the Lord can bring us to a place where we thank Him for the valleys of darkness that we have walked through… But God we would be reduced to the dust that we were made from…… With God we can learn to soar upon the wings of eagles and take flight into life.

He has brought me to a place and bringing me even deeper still that all I can find myself doing is walking humbly next to Him..... walking next to Him in awe… in awe of His beauty.. in awe of His tenderness.. in awe of His determination …. In awe of all that He is … and I find my heart hungry to be more and more and more and more like Him…. To gaze into His eyes .. into His heart and long to live there… to daily be an expression of that love … of that heart…. Of those eyes that are determined to see that which the Father sees in all of us….

Oh Jesus … Your goodness astounds me …… your determination to bring me into your likeness births within me a solid peace that Your work will have its way as I yield and as I yield your strength is made manifest in all of my weaknesses….

Thank you… thank you my dearest Lord… thank you….. Thank you for loving me

Way Beyond us and Yet so Near

There are moments where an invitation lies waiting… and when accepted doors open.. when faith and belief merge with risk to believe that God is actually saying what it is I have thought Him to speak I enter into this place with Him where the veil that separates Heaven and Earth gets very thin. His presence and the reality of that place stuns me in its beauty and I am changed. The appetites of this world fade and I stand there and marvel and wonder and am stilled and awed by His magnificence.

Entering into worship this afternoon to an old camp song was one of those moments…just me and God and my car…. I felt like I heard Him say worship me…. raise your arms.. (uhm I was driving so it was interesting.) I slowed the car down and as I lifted up my arms that veil was thinned and there were others worshipping….. By raising my arms I entered into an invitation. I was saying to God .. I believe you are asking this of me…. so I will do it…. And then… it was as if in raising my arms I was granted the joy of directing this heavenly choir…. At that moment I could barely keep singing and I sat there in awe and reverence. And then … and then He caused my eyes to open all the more… and within that choir I saw them and I was undone.. undone… couldn’t breathe.. couldn’t move… couldn’t sing…. Tears streamed down my face and within the choir I saw children…. My children… those that live with Him already and it was stunning…… that is the biggest understatement of the year….

In risking and thinking that it was Him and in believing that He would speak like that.. “raise your arms to worship me.” I entered into a moment where I was kissed by Heaven…. It was the pleasure of my Father to grant a gift….

Risk believing… risk hoping… risk risking…. In those moments one enters into a partnership with Heaven and the Creator and in those moments we are gifted glimpses of things that are way beyond us and yet so near….