the possibility for the marvelous is always nothing more than a breathe and a choice away...... even in a day that was just a day

There are some days that are just days... that is what I have thought about today as I have thought about today.... the same old things... kids squabbling... errands that need to be run, conversations that need to be had..... etc, etc, etc...... in the mundane moments of everyday life, comes the opportunity to embrace the second and turn it into something more......

It is in the mundane that the possibility for something more exists.... it is always there..... I admit that being tired often steals that from me.... weariness... the day.. the kids... and it takes energy to overcome .. to pause... to think .... to create..... but the moments that are created are always more precious and the fact that they happened always an incredible feeling...

Laying on the sofa sometimes the last thing I want to do is begin to read a book to one of the kids... I want a moment of quiet solitude... a moment for me..... but if I raise myself from that state and pick up that book and cuddle with that child ... I am never disappointed and that moment is better that it existed then if it hadn't..... Truth be told I have to take the deep breath and remind myself of that fact as I push myself up from the sofa and embrace that child... but in that choice life flows and so does joy...

Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous..... ( Bill Moyers)

The marvelous always exists... the possibility for the marvelous is always nothing more than a breathe and a choice away......

So as I end this day that was just a day..... I think to myself.. I am fortunate.. I am fortunate and blessed... family and friends and joy exist in my day to day world.... and if I choose to do so I can pull upon creativity ... scrap the bottom of the barrel of energy and find what it will take and choose the marvelous....

"Raise Your Voice"

We learn in school to close our mouths and raise our hands and wait until we are called upon... although that scenario is needed in the class room the accompanying lesson that follows into adulthood can end up being a hindrance. At best it is a social lesson learned that needs to be overcome. At worst it is a lesson that breaks or wounds the very spirit of the individual..... What about the child that is never called upon? Or the child that makes a mistake and is laughed at and doesn't raise their hand again. There are many scenarios... we all either lived them personally or watched them play out in the classrooms of our youth......

There is a passion raising up in me to help unlock the voices of those who have learned to stop speaking..... because of aspects in their lives there are people who don't speak up ... there are people who never learned to speak up..... One thing all of humanity has is a voice... each individual one of us has the capacity to raise a voice and speak up concerning that which is important to them.......

These ideas began to come to me as I realized that through everything I walked through as a child I never spoke up to any adult ... not a relative.. not a teacher... there wasn't one adult that was ever around me that brought me to a place that would have made it safe enough to speak up... at least it never dawned on me to do so.... I was 19 years old before I ever did speak up and then still after that another couple of years passed before I knew how to share and ask for the help I needed.... and years continued to pass before I really learned how to live... really live..... really connect and understand and emerge out of a really weird slumber life state...

I want to be a catalyst to unlock the voices that need to be heard...... so that those that aren't speaking don't have to walk out all those years of life like I did....... saving them time and bringing healing into their lives quicker....

Fear was a big obstacle... I remember being ever so concerned I was going to destroy my family.... That the truth would destroy my life..... but neither the family I was born into nor the family that I have been blessed by God with have been destroyed.... if anything we have all grown stronger through the journey..... with truth came freedom and relief and love... it wasn't easy .. but it wasn't destruction either....

The truth will set you free...... and no matter what valley or mountain that needs to be crossed in the process it is better to be crossed and climbed sooner than later.......

I have to learn to remind myself... it is all in the twirl

I have the outright crazy blessing of having people in my life that love me for who I am.... that cherish me for that which makes up my personality. More than anything they let me be me..... I love to love... I love to encourage... I love to speak forth words of affection and adoration.... It gets a little hokey at times but I do.... that is me... in a nutshell ... I love to twirl...... oh by the way I got a great series of pictures of Rebekah twirling will post them soon.....

I hide that sometimes.... I hide it when I am unsure of myself and my situation.... I hide it when I am nervous or afraid..... or care more about being rejected then being me..... I'm not talking here about correct boundaries or appropriate ways of behaving in certain circumstances... I'm talking about times when I should just be myself and let those that would gravitate to me do so and those who wouldn't walk away... But sometimes I care about the person who I think will walk away and I want to be who they would gravitate to.... I promised honesty here... if nothing more these posts will be honest, real and transparent......

At that moment in the past I have had more of the tendency to mutate into that other person that they might like but that I don't even recognize...... Well.. I know it isn't closed completely but that chapter in my life is nearing its end... going to slam down that book cover and be done with it...... hopefully.... we'll see... going to try harder and harder though... that is what I am going to do.....

It is all in the twirl..... when the world is spinning and the colors are mixing that is when the best giggles are formed...... it is in that moment of whirling, twirling sounds and colors.... in that moment is where you'll find me... thinking upon some new sight... wondering about some new path.... day dreaming about some new opportunity........ I have to learn to remind myself ... it is all in the twirl......

Trying Something New... You Do Too

Today has begun and it is as though a dam exploded and in flooded idea after idea. Ideas how to proceed in my experiment... answers to prayer.... ideas about how to proceed with my art and fresh ideas for projects that are filling my being faster than I can even get them down on paper......

I have embraced day 16 and realized more than ever that it isn't the emotion... it isn't how I feel on any one day of this experiment... it is all about the choices I make and lean into..... I had hoped for more emotion/experience with this experiment ,and although there are the moments that come that are accompanied by emotion, I am realizing more and more that that is not to be a focus .. not even one iota.... cherish it when it comes but the strength of this is found in action and deliberate choices.......

Side note.. and a look into who I am... not knowing how to say this.. deliberate choices... have been hard for me... locking something into place as what I am going to or am doing... questions of what if this isn't right... what if I am wrong.... In my walk as a Christian I lean very strongly on what is it that I am supposed to do and I have realized lately that sometimes... sometimes it really is ok to walk and walk and take another step and another... and if my direction needs to be changed then it will but I must step and I must not allow fear to hinder me.....

As I have walked more like that .. more just risking and taking steps I have experienced so much freedom and joy.... instead of thinking that I am doing something wrong and waiting for the proverbial rod to come down and bring to bare its correction and consequences I am learning that the Lord delights in my initiative.

I feel like I am living the parable with the master who leaves talents in the hands of his servants and returns to see what it is they have done... I think more than not I have hidden them in the dirt out of concern of doing the wrong thing..... not always but sometimes.... and now... well, now I am living.. breathing... soaring.. in new ways... taking step after step... not thinking "oh this won't work," or "what am I thinking." But just taking each opportunity to try something new.. ..

As a mom of six that really isn't as easy as it sounds but hey just this holiday I tempered in an egg for the first time in my life... had to look it up on google (to even figure out what it meant) but then did it..... so it isn't just grand big (going back to school) type things... I am doing this in the nitty, gritty of walking day in and day out amidst my life and family....
Knowing inside of me that it will be better to try and not have things turn out exactly the way I thought then not try at all.. ok so more of a dah moment but for me it is quite significant.... fear being overcome by love......

So try something new today... and tell me what it is you are doing... risk... try a new recipe... go for a walk.. take a different path... befriend someone or do something out of your personality ..... just do something little..... risk something ... I look forward to hearing all about it..

So Jim and I have now spent several evenings talking about the passage in James 3:16; For wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practice.

My husband has a passion for ancient Hebrew. He has brought great understanding in the realm of dreams by researching the characters of ancient Hebrew and interpreting what the symbols mean. So the word for jealousy/envy has within it the characteristics of a sun on the horizon, a seed, and an ox head. So it is something that over time grows stronger... a seed allowed to grow......

As we continued to talk so much became clear..... but at one point when Jim described the verse I jumped for what he said was basically the antithesis of my experiment...

The commandment is to love God first above all things and then one another as we would love ourselves...... and then to look at that verse and basically see where it states that when you are desiring something above your desire for God.. and are in disunity that creates an environment that brings forth confusion and "all sorts of evil and vile practices."

Contention and jealousy are what cause the problems... when you are out of unity, and you are not loving people, and you are jealous of what they have or who they are to become then they become the obstacle... or "enemy" to overcome. A willingness to do whatever it takes to have what they have is what leads then to all sorts of evil and vile things..... whatever it takes to bring them down... whatever it takes to preserve that which is thought to be owned....

It doesn't ever really start there.. remember a seed grows stronger over the passage of time... but not kept in check it becomes Saul throwing a spear at David... It becomes any individual willing to do whatever it takes to grasp a hold of that which they have set their eyes upon.

As we continued to talk... I brought up times and areas where I have struggled with jealousy and asked Jim his thoughts upon the matter.... He spoke about how the affection that I had or the love that was in my heart did not allow the jealousy to go unabated..... That the seed wasn't allowed to have full reign because I wasn't willing to allow what I wanted to rule above the love or affection that was within me.....

So you can be jealous and know it and choose time after time to keep it in check or you can be in disunity but not be jealous of someone or something (not at all want what they have)... but when the two, jealousy and disunity, are together there exists confusion and evil and vile practices......

Our discussion ran its course... from Hitler and Germany..... here there is no unity.. The Germans are the Germans and the Jews are not.. and Jealousy .. the Jews were perceived and did have wealth and the Germans at the time were struggling and poor( and needed nation identity)... created an environment for evil to grow and grow and get stronger and stronger...

Now that is obviously a very extreme case.... but what about in our lives, churches, and ministries.... I have seen that combination come together like adverse weather patterns creating the perfect storm ... the perfect tornado..... and rip through people's lives and ministries tearing relationships apart and devouring all that would be good......

In our quest to grow healthy and in my quest to once again think upon ministry and church.. I have brought this up to Jim .. I have asked him how do you keep this from a church... from a ministry... from me personally.... what would you do? What do we do?

Back to the idea of it as a seed..... believing that it is the leader's mandate to be diligent with him/herself and then with those that are gathered...... addressing issues that would lead to disunity... addressing issues that could cause potential jealousy.......

I am even more determined to address these issues in my life.... I have seen them.. I have seen the harm.... I now want to see what happens when we choose each other and when we choose God..... above everything... when we love God and each other......

We know that when two or three are in unity God is there willing to act.. willing to move..... as the Message in Ephesians 4:13 states; God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other (unity). His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love.

In the English Standard Version it is put this way....

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers]12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, 14so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. 15Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

May we come together... building one another up.. so that unity can flourish and we are no longer children.... speaking truth in love we will grow and become strong in Christ and in love.............. May those be the seeds we allow to grow in our midst......

Day 13: My Grade So Far..

Gregory is watching Polar Express... uhm.. the know it all, the doubter, the faith filled girl....... Who am I? At times I am each of those.....

The know it all who doesn't stop to listen..... who needs to learn( maybe close his mouth and realize he doesn't know it all and that is ok) , the faith filled girl ... who needs to lead (I love so many of her lines.... she just believes.. no questions asked) and the boy .... who needs to have faith and believe.... against all doubts... he needs to hear the bell .... he needs to hear the bells and believe that they are ringing.... he needs to take that step of faith.....when those around him can't..... and even as he grows and more around him stop being able to hear it .. he needs to hold onto what he knows and believes.......

The new year is upon us .. in just days it will be here........ a good portion of the first quarter will be about my project..... lots of new beginnings..... I think that the lesson the Lord is trying to bring home is that perfection is an illusion except for Himself.......

Patience is a key....

Admitting weaknesses a necessity....

Control is best left when left in God's hands.......

Change is never easy....

13 days into this project I believe a honest grade of how I am doing at this love thing would be a C.. some days a C- ... some days maybe a C +.... but overall a C ..... there might be moments where an A was more the grade but then on the opposite side the truth is that there have been some moments where I failed..... but I believe I will learn as much from my failures as I will from my successes if not more....

I am learning that fear is usually a factor in my failures.... I had Rebekah go and deliver the plate of chocolates and cookies to our neighbors .. (I had put them by their garage door thinking that they would see the card and the gift but by late afternoon with all their comings and goings they hadn't.) I sent her instead because I didn't want the awkwardness of going to their door... I didn't risk that conversation...

I didn't have the patience needed to truly assist a child through a rough day because he was hurting... I wanted the day to be beautiful and perfect and I was afraid he was ruining it... truthfully..... didn't he know that the plan was to have this perfect, wonderful, family fun filled day...... no he didn't and he was hurting and I didn't really meet him there......

And then when wanting something really badly I had my oldest son ask because I was afraid that the answer would be no and I was really hoping it would be yes...... but was really nervous...... guess what? The answer was YES! But I didn't ask... I sheltered myself from the possible rejection......

Lessons being learned..... My thoughts go to that TV show "Fear Factor." The winner at the end gets to hear the host say, "Fear is not a factor with you!" Well... day 100 here I come..... Life here I come... choices... again choices....... well.... here I go.... into the day.... and all it holds...... trying to overcome fear and risk so as to grow...

I wonder what my grade will be the next time I stop and pause and wonder upon the days gone by....

A Christmas Lesson Learned from an $8 Double Barrel Nerf Shot Gun

I went to the chiropractor and then to Target..... Yes, back to Target. I wanted to get myself one of those Nerf guns....(Jim had already bought his in the afternoon) and while I was there I picked up some more of the darts for all the kids. (Jim included). When I got home the scene I came into was one where area carpets were all in a state of disarray. I figured there had been a massive Nerf gun war. I was right. As the story played out... a thought came into my head what would I have done if I had been here...... and then the utter shock of my kids that I had bought one of the Nerf guns for myself...... uhmmmmmm

Day 10 ending... and I am looking at myself in a different light........ having opened myself up to any and every possibility that the Lord would bring me through these 100 days I am being hit will some scenarios that are bringing up many questions. I wanted change with this experiment.... I wanted to see who would I be if I loved the Lord with everything in me ... with everything I was capable of and then loved others and treated them as I would want to be treated........ What would 100 days bring?

I don't even really know how to write this ... for I am not even sure of what this is.... but I know that this morning I was concerned with how relevant I am in the lives of my children as they are getting older.... I watched as my daughter grabbed up her Nerf gun and ran through the yard and house and kept up with her brothers...... The excitement on that girl's face that she hit her oldest brother was priceless.....

Well... let me back track... I don't question that I am relevant in their lives in certain areas... I know how to encourage them... how to pass on wisdom to them (well at least the wisdom that I have)... I have learnt and am learning how to bring discipline into their lives so that it brings forth life... I am willing to talk about anything and everything with them (there aren't topics I shy away from just because they might be uncomfortable or hard). So what is this? Well, I don't know fully... but I wonder if I really know how to play with them....... I can bake, cook, read, talk, laugh, etc with them..... but do I loosen up enough and just play with them........

Is that it?

Uhm?

Clarity usually comes for me as I write.... I think that there is a need for me to loosen up a bit still... ok, maybe more than just a bit...... but I think it is more of that control thing....... There was so much life in Rebekah's eyes as she came running into the kitchen telling her stories of "the war," and how she had hit Josh....... brandishing her double barrel Nerf shotgun......

As I write this I realize (I promised to be 100% honest with myself as best as we are able to be honest with ourselves during this experiment) so here it is... the other night when she put on this new dress up dress that I had bought her she looked stunning......I want her to sit and have tea parties and play with dolls, make -up, etc..... my thoughts jump to a time when we went up to visit some friends... all the girls were playing with dolls and were loving it and Rebekah was playing with the one boy in the group...... OK so the girl has grown up around boys.... she has a strong tom boy streak in her..... yet, she has that other side too... but if asked she would say she is more of a tom boy.

What is all this rambling on leading to...... well, I think I am beginning to grasp more of that...... Love is letting a person be who they are and not making them into who you would have them be..... or I in this case.....

Love is stepping into their world! (pause.... pause.. realization hitting me in a way that lights up my heart)

Love is stepping into their world!

Oh Lord... you completely amaze me... you lead me on this rabbit trail to here! To here! On Christmas eve day morning at 5am this is where you bring me with my heart aching and all my questions...... you bring me here.... LOVE IS STEPPING INTO THEIR WORLD!!!!!!!

So I will attempt with all my heart to lay down all the notions of what Rebekah needs to be and I will step into her world...... You stepped into ours.... Wow!!! Tomorrow we celebrate that! You have showed me the way... you never leave us anywhere..... You go before us and prepare the way.. making rough roads smooth... So I might not have a road map on how to exactly walk this road but I know that you will lead me... and that has brought the comfort I needed this morning... You are quite amazing.....

If asked if I wanted to empower my daughter (and sons but I think this has more to do with her and the shock of everyone that I would buy a Nerf gun for myself) I would of course ask YES!!! But it is learning to empower her in the way that will catapult her into her life as she is not who I would make her out to be.......

The Pharisee says this is the law.. this is who you need to be... because it is easier when there are a strict set of rules... but love came to Earth to show us that it is more .. much more a matter of the heart. I think of how Jesus walked with the people... truly walked with them... truly saw them.... who they were... their weaknesses, their strengths... who they were going to be and he spoke into that......

Day 10 has certainly had its lessons and to think most of them came from an $8 double barrel Nerf shotgun.