Welcome to the series... Lessons learned from 6 of the most amazing people I get to know... My kiddos

You would think that the mom of six children would have dreamed her whole life of becoming a mother.


I actually get that question more than I care to remember, the question that asks; "Did you always want to be a mom?"


It's kind of like the question I always get at Trader Joes when buying our cereal and breakfast bars.  I always get asked one of a few questions.  They either assume I am driving from far away and stocking up or that I am doing my semi annual, twice a year, shopping.. Well, maybe not that last one but someone always makes a comment.  Then the conversation begins about the fact that we have six children and then the questions usually continue on things like how long will the enormous amount of food I am buying last our family.  The answer, usually two weeks.


When you have a big family, the oddity of it intrigues people and they do ask all sorts of questions.


This morning I was reading some articles and came across a to do list of how to be a mom,  it was simple and pure enough, and had great things in it but as I read it I thought about in the beginning of journeying into motherhood what I had was more of the "what I don't want to dos" then what I wanted to do....  I knew what I didn't want to happen to my children and I knew who I didn't want to be as a mom, but I didn't know what to do or what would propel me into something different.


While I read more than I can care to even remember what I do remember were the insecurities.


The reality of holding a real human being in my hands and heart and wanting so much for him, for them...  What an awe inspiring and terrifying task!  The raising of another human being.


I'll tell you this about books, and lists and conversations with friends and other moms and dads.. they are all great given their place.. they are...  But more times than naught I would be left with something in my heart that would continue to tell me something I hadn't thought of before, something that nobody would tell me would be the RIGHT Christian way to raise a kid, something that I even looked up to Heaven and thought.. "REALLY?!?!?! REALLY... You've got to be kidding me."


More times that I care to remember it felt like shooting from the hip and walking blind.


But what came to mind today as I read that post and looked at its list was the words of my dearest of friends, Sue Frisbie... She is the mother to 6 amazing men and has taught me more about being a mom and being human than anything.  This woman was an on ramp for me into life... she was the one I would look to and yet something she has said about my parenting has stuck with me and carried me through some of our hardest days of parenting....


She was talking about what she saw in me as a mom... which coming from her and knowing how well she knew me was amazing...  She told me she watched me as I went after my children's hearts... That it was their hearts that I pursued.   We talked about exterior actions and behavior and who was looking at who and she spoke of how she really valued how I took each child and just let them be and for me, a girl, who shot from the hip and came from the past that I did, that was all I needed to hear...


So get this and know..  your heart knows your kid better than anyone.. and if you take them and look at them and press into their hearts and press into the heart of the Lord for them you most certainly won't go wrong....


Pursue the heart of your child... I wouldn't fight exterior actions, yes.. discipline but I knew that if I captured their hearts and if they knew that they were loved their behavior would come around.. in some cases it has been months... days... etc...  and some cases it was a couple of years.. but time after time I would love them and pursue their hearts and as I look at some of them today.. I see incredible human beings emerging.. But more than anything I see individuals emerging know that they are loved... knowing they can mess up and still be loved.. knowing that they are received.. knowing that they can make choices... knowing that they will always have a home and always have the affection of their parents...


So I KNOW we have gotten a lot of things wrong.. but man... I do actually agree with my dear friend.. we have pursued their hearts and loved them and in doing that you truly can't go wrong...

Welcome to this series of blogs I am going to write.. lessons learned from the six... each one has taught me different things from birth to present... I am looking forward to this journey of traveling with the memories and realities of my kiddos.

Standing two places at once...

The kindness of the Lord has set a path before me and has pursued me and kept me... and is keeping me...

I listened  as my friend began to speak for me and relate a prayer request that I couldn't have brought together.  As I listened to her speak somethings made more sense and I was grateful for having not been able to formulate the words myself.  

Basically my whole world is changing.. again and again and again and it hasn't stopped changing for a while...  As I listened to her it was as if I was able to see a lining up of things that I hadn't and to see the snow globe turned upside down then right side up then upside down again and then repeat that process a couple more times...

Like a ride at Carowinds, an amusement park in the Carolinas.. literally in the Carolinas...  My kids love that there are places in the park where you can be in two places at once.. The park straddles the border and so one foot can be in South Carolina and one foot can be in North Carolina, ie two places at once.  

Two places at once... 

Standing and leaning against my oldest son while watching my youngest son graduate today, knowing that truly in four days it won't be a Kindergarten classroom.. it will be Winthrop Coliseum and it will be a  graduation into college.. into life...

Standing two places at once...

Touching high school and kindergarten and 8th grade all in one week...  Three sons.. each path so very different...  All three ending and beginning journeys.

Passing the post office, the bank (whose teller, Barbara, I have known and deposited checks with or done other business with through the drive through for over 5 years), passing the high school.. Standing with some friends and remembering back to the days I met them.. friends of my oldest when they were 8th graders and 4 years seemed like a luxury .. it certainly wasn't 4 days... 

Two places at once... 

Places being lived out and places being remembered...  Standing with one foot in each..  

Standing in a church service that was beyond full.. thinking of the first days I stepped into the sanctuary and found a home..  Thinking how in less than 14 days I will stand in a different sanctuary that has held my heart and been a home to visit and to come to and now to live ...

Two places still very much at once...

Standing in a doctor's office filled with nurses and doctors and staff I have known and been known by for seven years and looking at their faces and wanting to hold onto them. Standing in a chiropractor's office.. the place that has birthed and granted hope back .. looking at the doctor that handed life back to us and choking back tears not knowing how to fully say thank you or good bye.

Standing in two places at once...

My littlest son loves to walk up the brick laid path that is in front of the pole that delineates North and South Carolina.  He walks the path up directly to the post and then chooses a side...  Tonight I feel like that youngest son.. Walking up the brick path to the pole and approaching the pole, no longer can I truly stand in two places at once..  Or can I?

I stand looking at the pole..  I stand in the palm of my Father's hand that nothing can pluck me out of.. 

I stand looking at the old and aching and anticipating the new and aching...  

There is so much joy.. My youngest son came flying into my bedroom as he headed off to bed, "thank you, thank you momma, thank you for this day."  My oldest son popped his head in before going off to more festivities.. "Mom, I just wanted to let you know I was going.." and he spoke of some news in regards to his girlfriend's class rank that he and I had been waiting to hear about all day.. SO MUCH JOY...

Yet today I leaned up against our oldest  at our youngest son's graduation knowing that all too soon his turn would be coming.. today my ears would hear the first of three playings of Pomp and Circumstance .. today, I have celebrated and wept and looked and remembered and I have stood in two places... past and present while also thinking about tomorrows that are coming all too soon...

The kindness of the Lord has set a path before me and has pursued me and kept me... and is keeping me...  This past weekend a dear friend had taken care of all the needed details for me to spend some time at a local Abby and I know that it was that time that simply refocused my heart and prepared me to walk these days of "two places at once."  

In knowing all things He holds past, present and future in His most capable hands and empowers us into places we could never walk upon but His grace...

THE OLDEST AND THE YOUNGEST GRADUATES...

The first to graduate this week... Gregory walks at the end 

It felt like "if you feed a pig a pancake... " even that it gets sticky....

Do you know the stories that start "If you feed a pig a pancake?"

They are great, fun stories that lead the reader down a play by play of what happens if ...


So I was wondering about "goodness" and "happiness" and trust the brilliant people that the Lord has placed in my life, so shot off an email to my pastor, who responded in expected brilliance and kindness and strengthened my soul.  So I asked a question that has been really upon my heart... Do you know that if you ask a question that is really upon your heart there could be a good chance that  there are those who are wondering the same thing or things that are very similar?


Unbeknowns then to the one who would then ask me a very similar question I had already received the answer... Pasting and copying and crediting the source I sent her the wise words of my pastor.


 So if you have something stirring within and reach out looking for insight chances are that those that are also looking for insight and answers  will find you and you them.  If others who are looking for answers and insight reach out to find their answers chances are that someone will be posting a really good article on the same topic on the same day and chances are that you will be able to share in someone else's journey.


I've said it before but I stand more and more convinced that within the human experience many more than we would ever think are asking the same questions, experiences the same dilemmas  hungering for similar understanding... Struggling.. aching.. hungering to be seen and heard...  Again I see how the things we don't dare ask or talk about are the things that swirl around our hearts and minds and echo through the caverns of our lives.


I know that the Lord has been changing my mind further into the world view of the Kingdom.. as I just recently said to some friends... "the narrow road gets narrower and narrower."    The ideas and concepts of "good" or "happiness" get sorted out through new and different lenses.  I am not at all a gnostic but I am not a word of faith, "name it and claim it" individual either..   Trying to find some sacred ground to land on as not been easy.


So my question laid in the thoughts of understanding that the "goodness" of the kingdom of God that works within us will probably more times than not NOT look like the "goodness" that the world says is good.  I have really learned to embrace and value that the "good" things God works within me are beyond worth whatever circumstances or situations happen to help cultivate said "goodness."  But in the flesh I have gotten weary at times of all the interior benefits and wondered when and/or if "goodness" in the natural would cross our paths again.


The question asked of me was somewhat coming at a different direction.. the individual is experiencing much "goodness" and "happiness" but is longing for "the more"...  Those questions were coming from a place of satisfaction of the "goodness" in the land but an aching for something beyond that.


We read the beatitudes and in them we find ways so thoroughly contrary to the ways of the world.  I have also found myself reading in Psalm 146:5 where we read, "Happy is the one whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God."  The Lord is our help and our hope and in all things knows so thoroughly all that which we have need of in our lives.


I have needed interior strengthening and hungered for that to be cultivated, I have need of the Lord to help us in our times of need and I can trust that I will be "happy," for God is my help and my hope and in Him I live and move and have my being.  The world does not offer fullness of happiness as I saw from the questions that were then being asked of me.. What a balance that needs to be walked.. what understanding and wisdom that is truly needed.


There is something that is stirring about "happiness" and "goodness,"  I have seen these things popping up all around me.. Happiness and goodness and the flip side of that coin, sorrow.  I have watched the coin get tossed up into the air and spin and seen each side gets its turn to rest upon the landscapes of our souls.  I have tasted that through sorrow true goodness can and does emerge and  happiness does as well...


Through it all I have found that the place of security and rest is upon leaning into and being content with the Christ who nurtures our souls oh so much better than we could ever imagine...


There is something that is stirring...  I have not the fullness of the answers as the journey and the walk is still where I find myself.. something beautiful truly exists in the recipe of life that is sorrow and goodness and true happiness.. I have tasted where fear steals the beauty of the journey and am trying to rest in contentment instead...  Touching sadness and sorrow, and knowing the goodness of the Lord rarely looks like the flesh would like it to.. but knowing and trusting in the fact that His eyes are ever upon the sparrow and they are watching over me as well.. counting the hairs upon my head and cherishing my heart.


There is so much goodness that surrounds me daily and there is so much opportunity for joy,  touching sorrow only intensifies the gifts and serves to birth deeper and deeper appreciation..


So I asked my question and chances are that the answers I have received are bearing fruit already.. so in the answers bearing fruit already chances are hope is flourishing and joy is permeating all things....

But the way of the wicked will perish... So glad I didn't die at thirteen! I will not die, but live, And tell of the works of the LORD.

But the way of the wicked will perish....

Those words from Psalm one reverberate throughout my entire being and sink in deep, the truths within them are restated  throughout scripture.  I landed on "No evil dwells with you," in Psalm 5.  They remind me of the days when I was first saved and I would drink in the words of Christ when He spoke that He tells us the truth.  I had been lied to so often that to read words such as let all men lie but God be true saturated my soul with goodness and filled out my heart with strength.


Today I read, "But the way of the wicked will perish," the last words of Psalm 1. What hit me so deeply was that it is a promise!  A promise that we will not contend with evil forever.


What a refreshing drink to those who are desperately thirsty in a dry and weary land where there is no water!  We will not contend with evil forever..


No evil dwells with our God!


That our God tells us the truth.. that no evil dwells with Him.. what wonderful truths that under gird and stabilize us in a world that is often all too out of control.


I was often too out of control.


I remember what it felt like laying on my mother's side of the bed.  I had tried to go out with her and my nana, my mother's mother, but the effects of what I had done were beginning to take their toll.  We were all going to go join my aunt and her new baby for a day of shopping, except I had swallowed a bottle of Tylenol and nausea was  setting in.


I was returned to the house and my mother's car pulled back out of the drive way.  My secret hidden inside my heart and my life felt like it was ebbing away.  I had climbed up the staircase and had chosen my parent's bedroom over my own.  Wondering if I chose my own room would I even ever be found?  Knowing that at least if I laid down for the last time upon my mother's side of the bed that when she retired for the evening my body would be there.. cold.


At thirteen I thought I was pregnant.


At thirteen there was no truth in my life and at thirteen there had been relations with those with whom such relations should never have happened.  I felt like the blight upon an otherwise perfect family.


The perfect all american family in the suburbs that had it all.


Including the black sheep.


Which was me.


 I was about to ruin the entire family because while I could lie and avoid the realities no one wanted to see, if I was pregnant all would be found out and I would be the destruction of said family.


Enter bottle of Tylenol.  For evil had entered a long time before.


I think back to that day.. that afternoon... In those moments there was nothing that would say to hold onto hope.. there was no hope. Or at least I thought that to be true.  IN those moments there was nothing to say that there was a truth, a way, a hope.. In those moments there was nothing to say that life would get better and that darkness wouldn't win... There was just darkness.


But even that is a lie... there wasn't just darkness...


A relative that lived in the same town would happen to call at the same time that I felt my life slipping away.  I laid there and heard the phone ring from a far off distant place.  I was somewhere.  I was floating.  I was distant.  I was slipping.  The phone rang.  The phone rang again and again and again.


I don't remember picking up the phone but I remember hearing the voice on the other end,  there was a level of concern within the tones that sounded so very unfamiliar.  Questions were being asked such as where was my mother, and how was I...  I don't really remember the answers I gave to her but something alerted her enough that her promise to me was that she would call back and check up on me often.


I wonder about the unseen battle that afternoon.  Again and again I would feel myself slipping away, sinking into the bed, floating away from the room.. and each time, each time the coldness would lay its way upon me, the phone would ring.  Each time I would be wooed away from the hold of the valley of the shadow of death and each time I would hear that voice, full of concern.


Darkness and the wicked and evil will perish.. they will fade away... We will not contend with evil forever...  I am so glad I didn't die at thirteen. It would come about that I wasn't pregnant either..  So much would come about...  The nautical term of coming about.. a changing of direction,  to shift to a new tack...  a fresh wind would change the course of the direction of my  life.


It would be five more years before I would meet my savior.. and life would get darker at times before it would burst forth with light...  But that is the beauty of light.. It is insistent and it does get its way.  For a light has dawned upon a people who were walking in the land full of death.. upon those in the land of death shade a light has shown forth...  I didn't die  at thirteen ...  I have lived .. I have lived and awoken and am alive to speak forth that which the Lord has done...

I will not die, but live, And tell of the works of the LORD.  Psalm 118:17 NASB

The people who are walking in darkness Have seen a great light, Dwellers in a land of death-shade, Light hath shone upon them. Isaiah 9:2 Young's literal translation

Even when I eat an ice cream sundae.. Maybe especially when I eat an ice cream sundae!

It is so interesting to me how quickly the flesh can feel legitimized by the doing "good" things.  This morning I set my heart to seeking the Lord but coming at it in a different way.  I paused and thought about the workers of the vineyard, those who came in the early morning and those that came as the sun was setting.


PAYMENT was the same...  But no, not really.. actually not at all....


I have walked with the Lord for 21 years and look forward to walking with Him all the days of my life...  PAYMENT IS NOT THE SAME...


I am richer...  I am richer to have walked into the Vineyard before the noon hours of my life.. I am blessed to dwell within my Father's home and gardens..  I would rather be a gate keeper in the house of my God then dwell any other place.


I have known those who have received the Lord as they took what would be their last breath, I have listened to those recount the stories of their own regret that they didn't know Him sooner.. I have said those very words as well.  The glory of our God is that whether you never knew a day you didn't know Him or you are still upon a journey of getting to know Him the reward of knowing Him is still the same.


I remember sitting in the library of Gordon College, in their magazine section.  I remember pulling out Christian children's magazines and weeping because I didn't know Him as a child.  I have looked at my children who have only ever known the boundaries of a home that desired to know and love the Lord, and have seen their own spiritual walks and struggles.


Is eternal payment the same whether you came early in the morning or last thing at night?  YES... It most truly is... Is life better when one places their feet upon the narrow path and not out of duty or obligation or religious pretense lives a life that brings delight to the heart of our God?  YES!


But His passion and His affection and His love  never wavers nor is it ever increasing....His love is always immeasurable and actions one way or the other do not add to His passions for you nor do they detract.  I love my children.  They are my children.  I will always love them.  I am happy for them when their choices take them upon a path of health and well being and I am sad for them and bring discipline towards them when their choices take them in other directions.  But my passion for them.. my affections for them.. my love and admiration of them never ceases and never wavers ....


So whether I am setting time aside to seek Him and choose to fast media or food or other sources of entertainment, or I am watching all of the Indiana Jones or Back to the Future or Lord of the Rings movies, whether I am fasting sweets or indulging in a mountain size ice cream sundae, whether I am on or off Facebook, whether I am reading the classics or an inspirational study or a comic book, wherever I am and whatever I am doing I am HIS!!! I am HIS!! And payment is the same!!!


Indulging the flesh in spiritual, righteous activities that only scream white washed tomb is no better for my soul than indulging in blatant sin,  what my soul thrives upon is the moment to moment heart beat of our God and walking in such a way where my delight is in Him and I receive that His delight is in me.


 I am richer for getting to hear that heart beat every day that I listen to its most glorious sounds.  Whether you listen for a day before you depart this world or you listen for a life time you will enjoy its magical melodies of life and love and joy!

News and Announcements

I want to share with you something that I am starting soon. Starting Monday, June 17th, 2013 at 5:30am (est)  I have felt led to begin a daily time of group meditation. Setting aside twenty to thirty minutes of time for spiritual blessings and life, prayer and support.

Each day a passage from the book of Psalms will be read and prayed through, and daily suggestions for continued spiritual development will be given.  More information will be coming soon.

We are excited about the launching of this new journey and walk as we continue walking through the passageways of life together.

I am no more guilty then they and they are no more guilty then I ...We are all the perpetrator ... We are all the child... We are all in need... Learning the ways of things... The real ways of things..

There I sat in the counseling room.  My dearest friend sat to my left and those that were listening to the stories that were coming forth from my heart sat  directly in front of my knees.  It was a small room.  A porch that had been fully closed in and redone into a sacred space, a place where those that came stepped in, stepped backwards into time to seek healing and truth.

I remember the comfort of my dear friend as she would sit next to me, the reassurances that her presence brought to my soul was palpable.  I could see all that was within the room but the eyes of my heart were far away from the present.  Head slightly tilted and resting upon my left shoulder, I could feel my eyes drop looking over to the floor to the right.  

I saw the flooring, the sliding glass door, the books that were upon the shelves and yet what I was really seeing wasn't actually there.  Not any more, not for a long time...As I sat safely upon that porch it was as if a time machine had landed my heart and mind back into a far off distant reality of the past.  Where the laughter and taunting of men, where the hands and bodies of other human beings took liberties with a child.  In those days it wasn't like I was human.  In those days it wasn't like I was a child.  In those days it wasn't like I was alive.  

More of an object than flesh and blood.  More of an object that existed for the adult pleasures of lustful men, than a child that would be found upon the swings and slides of a play ground. It would be a night that would leave me barely able to walk.  A tiny frame having been used up by giants.  

I sat in the safety of the small porch but my heart was far from safety and it was hard to breath.  I would look up into the eyes of those who had displayed mercy, I would reach for my friend's hand..  I would acknowledge that the present was indeed what was truly at hand.  That those days that filled my thoughts had been lived so very long ago.

So much had been stolen.  So much harm had already been enacted.  So much life had been inhibited.  So much betrayal.  A mind had been fractured.  A body broken.  A soul tormented.  Into the hands of the father of lies my life had been commended and devastating destruction had been wrought.

But now I sat.  An opportunity for a life I never dreamed of laid within my reach.  But an obstacle that seemed too gigantic laid in my path.  A hurdle that no Olympian could even with all their training clear.  

I could still feel the sensation of calloused hands touching the flesh upon my arm.  I could still smell the musty breath and taste the drunken saliva.  And this man.. these men... I was supposed to forgive.  Those that had robbed my heart of freedom and laid shackles upon my feet, those that had groped, and grabbed and tossed me around as if I was nothing more than a sack of potatoes. Those that had granted themselves pleasures after pleasures, feasting on the life of a child made up and taught how to perform adult behaviors.  

These were those that must be forgiven.

How do you forgive those that rob you of a life?  How do you forgive those that take things that can never then be ever given back?  How do you forgive those that forged insanity into your being and broke your mind, your will, your body, and your heart into a million tiny fragments?

Because I couldn't... I sat at that moment and I couldn't.

I lived the cost of the life that they took.  I felt the agony of insanity.  I felt the fruit of the arctic cold from the seeds that they planted into my life and I shivered non stop for years.  How do you forgive the ones who take beyond what they could ever give back?

I had played out scenarios in my head that perpetrated action upon action upon them.  I played out scenarios where they would be shrunk down and placed into glass bottles and be held prisoner.  I played out scenarios that tormented and tortured the ones who tormented and tortured.  But in all those scenarios I never touched peace.. I never came across satisfaction.

From hellish portions to heavenly sanctuaries I traveled that day on the porch.  From drifting back and forth from present to past to present to past.. from men who knew not that which they were doing to friends and counselors waiting for my heart to find its rhythm.  We all sat... Waiting...

I could hear myself swallowing.

Then my mouth felt dry.

I could see the flooring of the porch.

I would hear the mocking tones of mature voices daring a child to cry, speaking words that far outreached a rating even for mature audiences.

There was no way that I could cross that chasm.  The abyss far too wide for my heart to make that leap.  Too much had been exacted.. too much had been lost.. These were the days before my mind had been made whole and the reality of the mental scares were still worn upon my psyche.  The reality of the repair not yet tasted and the effects of the harm being felt by so very many.  

But then these are moments prior to promises fulfilled that must be confronted.  And my giants and I were standing upon the field facing off.  Though I was alone I stood not alone and though I had been defeated many times in the past I had found my footing again, and again the giant and I took our places.

There was no pebble to be thrown forth from a sling,  there was no courage within a heart.. there was no sight as to see what path could be walked forward...  there was nothing within that could find the capacity to bring forth the words that I knew I needed to say...

Forgiveness is a complicated matter...

My heart was full of steel.

It was still the four of us on the porch and it was still the pictures of the rooms that filled the past but within those places, past and present, there stood another.  As the Other stood there a filter, a lens, something different filled the air.  A prayer from ancient days filled the air and an aroma of sorrow and beauty penetrated my senses.  "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

If those men had seen you as human... if those men had seen you as child.. if those men had seen you as I see you they would have never harmed you, they would have never touched you but to bring life, they would have never spoken but to bring strength.  

In those moments I no longer saw the aggressor or the abuser or the perpetrator.  I saw the human.  I saw the man.  I saw beyond that which they did and was moved by the prayers of Christ, when dying upon the cross acknowledged His Father and forgave us all, for we did not know that which we were doing.  

I wondered what had brought them to such a place where their eyes were blind to the reality of the child they held in their hands, I wondered what had brought them to such a place where their ears could not hear the heart that they were crushing and cursing,  I wondered what had brought  them to such a place and I broke for if they ever awoke, if they were to ever see, if they were to ever hear how would their hearts survive... AND I prayed.. Father forgive them for they know not what they did... I forgive them for they knew not what they were doing.. Father grant them mercy and grace to face their past as I need mercy and grace to face mine...  

I am no more guilty then they and they are no more guilty then I ....