Understanding the things I couldn't do... and understanding the things I could...

In a season where I was at least aware enough to know things were bad, I did this...

I wanted the family I had, I wanted the man I was married to, I wanted a life....  I didn't want the sentence of maybe 2-5 years and I would at least be more able to function daily.  I wanted to live.  I didn't want the lack of conscience or difficulty with attachment or the minimum capacity to feel remorse to win.

I wanted to live.  I had lost so much of life already, I didn't want to lose anymore of the present and certainly not the future.  I didn't know how to break free from all that entangled me but I wanted to more than anything else.

So I prayed.  I entered into a conversation with God and I simply said that I put a "yes" before Him.  That even in the days when I would be saying "no" to the hard road that was in front of me, I told Him I wanted Him.  I wanted whatever it would take.  I wanted to enjoy life, I wanted to live with my kids and my husband, I wanted Him.

I put a "yes" before Him.  In my mind I was laying down my will  to His no matter what the cost. I was willing to look at whatever I needed to, be told whatever I needed to hear and do whatever needed to be done.

I was desperate.  Seriously there wasn't another viable option.  Maybe for me that is what it took.

There were things out of my control.  There are still things out of my control.  There are days I handle that well and there are days where I don't.  So how do I live understanding the things I couldn't do and understanding the things I could...

Here's a few things that in the hardest of times jumped started a life and here are a few things that keep that life going....


On a recent weekend that was proving to be full of difficulty and sadness I took our two youngest kids to the park,  I placed our four year old on my lap and put my six year old on the swing next to me... and we rode those swings and giggled until my legs and my ribs hurt.

The circumstances didn't change but I did. I couldn't change the circumstances. So I changed me and loved on my kids.  We laughed until it hurt.  It was in the simplicity of those moments where we lived. We can live.  I can't dictate or determine what life will be but I can live.

There are days I listen well to the language of love and its ways and there are days my heart hurts and my ears fall deaf to the words that under gird me and keep me strong.  I think back to the days when I put a "yes" before His throne.  It wasn't a "yes" but it needs to happen this way, or that... it was a "yes."  It was a plea.  It was a cry that said I don't have 2-5 years to lose please help.  I want to live.

Going back to that simple declaration help me on the days where the circumstances and situations what me to feel their roar.  I wanted to live.  I wanted to love. I wanted to laugh.

There are many things I can't do anything about,  but today... today.. I am alive.. I can live...  Today I can choose to love whether it be stranger, friend, or child.  Today I can tilt my head back look up into the Carolina blue sky and laugh.  Why?  Simply because I can.

Learning that in joy I find strength, learning that the torment and the agony of mental pressure that filled my days is but an echo ... a remembrance... a place where I set a marker up and say from that place I have journeyed forward.

Whether that marker is from the day and times that resound forth being knit back together and dry bones walking, or that marker is from yesterday when tired and sad I was held up by friends... I set markers along the way to remind me that I am not ever left alone, that God is the lifter of my head, and that the echos of laughter surround my days both past and present.

When all is said and done I want my journey to be full with the reality of a life lived.  I understand that there are days I need to remind myself of that, and go get on a swing, or hold a pudgy toddler's hand, or sit and take the moments I get to talk to my older children.  Each moment holds within it the capacity for joy, finding that joy is the discovery.

If you can't say it .... Whisper it.. but please don't keep it in...

I remember the first time I wrote the words on paper about being sexually abused by a relative, I remember writing it down in such a way that when I looked upon the words I took a black sharpie and scribbled over and over and over it until the whole journal was a blackened mess.

I remember the first time I opened my mouth and shared the story of my life to a girl in college on the night before I was leaving University upon the demand of the Dean of Students.  Well, he gave me the option of a curfew or I could leave.  I choose to leave.

From the moment I told that girl to the next moment I would speak about anything in regards to the truth of my past would be almost two years.  Then I would be called a liar and it was too easy for my family to believe, as I had lied so very much about all things.

That was over two decades ago.

I remember the first time I stood at a conference and talked in front of hundreds of people and shared about how I had been healed from mental illness and the trauma of abuse.  Shared about a God who cares so very much for my soul.  Shared about the One who delivered the Gerasene Demoniac, who called forth to life a pile of dry bones, who healed sickness and disease and filled the hurting with hope.

It is interesting for me to think upon my story.  In a moment, in the most beautiful and powerful moments of my life, my Lord did heal my mind. In a moment, in the most miraculous and astonishing displays of love and power and redemption one whose mind had divided and divided and divided was made whole.  Having separated myself through disassociation, I had given way to schizophrenia and I lived lost within myself.  On one night, in one moment.. He healed my mind.

I will remember for all times what it felt like in that moment.  For the first moment in my life to feel different inside my head.  There aren't the words to fully express what that moment was like and how thoroughly it coursed through me and blazed new trails before me that I could walk upon.  It would be a few more years until the shame of the past would follow suit and I would openly talk about what it felt like to be mentally ill and then to be healed.

That moment was and still is forever upon me.  I am not the person I was before the moments that one night when Jesus took my  hand and liken unto the Gerasene Demoniac set my mind right.

That moment was true and fabulous and magnificent.  And now I walk  not as a pile of dry bones but being a member of an exceedingly great  army.  Ezekiel 37:10  and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

The thing about my story though is also liken to the Gerasene Demoniac.  While I follow Jesus I was left to then live my life out within community, within family.  Daily live my life out.  I was made whole and complete and then  He taught me how to live.  

Some days are better than others.  Some days are really hard.  Some days are full of grace and some days I cling to what the remembrances of grace were...  some days truth is easy to touch and sometimes lies scream a reality that is hard not to...  But always... always and forever I know so thoroughly my redeemer lives.  

He has given me a life no one thought I would live and upon the days where living that life is hard, the journey more steep than I think I can manage,  I remember the night the stars sung their songs and the one who knit me together in my mother's womb, reknit me together in places so vast and amazing.

I need to remember that One.  I need to remember Him daily.  Walk with Him daily.  Hold His hand, lean on His strength, listen to His heart beat daily.

I sit on  my bed with my favorite comforter over my knees and my lap top in front me.  I sit in a house that has babies asleep and teenagers watching television.  I sit as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a girl...  I sit and think of our life, our loves, our frailties, our joys and our sorrows.

I think upon you and your journey.  I think how if in any way my story can be a source of strength, encouragement, or comfort then I think that it must come forward in  words that need to be shared, and hearts that need to be heard.

You inspire me to share, to remember, to call forth into life... to continue to journey having been healed now forever being made more and more whole.

Bless you... bless you and may courage f ill your soul... may words find their way forth from your heart and your life into your  mouth and into expression.  May healing and love and joy and triumph be yours daily, majestically and simply but always daily.

People want real...

"And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.

Revelation 12:11

 28When Jesus had finished these words, the crowds were amazed at His teaching; 29for He was teaching them as one having authority, and not as their scribes.

Matthew 7:28-29

These days have me filled with a depth of understanding of how thoroughly the Lord surrounded me in this last season.  Even the moments I didn't see it.  Between how He lavishes His love upon us, no need of special event there, although there have been beautiful encounters, even without those encounters we can hold onto 1 John 3:1  See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. Another translation uses the word "lavished."

These days have had me recall to mind,  This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope.The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. Lamentations 3:21-22.  His compassions manifested in His lovingkindnesses that poured forth from Heaven and the Body. 

This afternoon as I was full of gratitude to the Lord, and as I pondered about a Facebook status I knew He wanted me to write, He began to speak upon a subject He has been speaking to me on for a while now... and we landed upon Revelation 12:11.  He tied the three statements together with three words.  Redemption, life, death.

And He began to speak.  Once again He shared His heart pouring over me the truth of how full His redemption is, how fully He longs for me to share my life, and how sincerely He longs to put self-preservation to death in me.  Not loving my life unto death is not a physical death for me while it is within the text, for me it is a laying down daily of self-preservation, a dying daily to any hindrance that would cause me to not open up  my mouth ans share from my life.

I have for a while now been very open about my life and testimony.  These days have me stepping into some of that all the more.  Between writing my story down in fiction and preparing to write, Sanctuary: The Tale of a Modern Day Gerasene Demoniac, which will be my story in a non-fiction form, I have become more convinced of things I thought I was already but now to a new degree.

I know for a fact that the things people aren't saying are the things that are killing them. I know that shame and fear keep the mouths and hearts of people closed.  I know that those things when brought to the light are granted healing and wholeness as fear and death and darkness are overcome.  People overcome when they step into the redeeming power of Christ, open their mouths and speak, and as die to self and live daily to Christ.  They overcome.

People want real.  After Jesus taught the people stood amazed, he wasn't like their scribes and pharisees, He had real authority and spoke forth with it.  He knew where He was from and He knew where He was going.  He knew who loved Him and who He loved.  

The Lord continued to speak to me regarding authority this afternoon and not shrinking back but standing.  Standing firm in an age where the love of most have grown cold.  Asking me if I would let Him lead me into places where again I would share and share as thoroughly and transparently as I know how to,  already one of the most recent posts here on my blog  have been read more than any post I have written, ( http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/02/do-you-know-that-you-will-always-be-ok.html )

But it is the realness, it is the transparency, it is in being as real as I know how to get that people's hearts are engaged and changed. We all walk there, in those places we wish that no one would ever know about... we just don't all realize we all walk there.. While our stories are different there are foundational things that are the same.  

There are those places in each of our hearts that can cause each of us to squirm.  My dear friend once spoke to me in relationship to a thing our other friend teaches, that we all have holes (our friend teaches about our hearts and  likens them to Styrofoam cups that are meant to hold the love of God and get filled to overflowing but events and circumstances poke holes in them. We then try to fill the lack and need with all sorts of things but more than anything need Jesus to be the filler of our needs.) 

I was struggling thinking that my holes were too large.  She spoke in a moment a truth that has carried me forward for years. "Mims, we all have holes, what causes them in each of us is different but we all have holes."  It was such an amazing truth.  I'm not any more damaged than any other human being. I'm not any less damaged than any human being.  We all need the redeeming power of Christ in our lives.  

It takes us from a place of getting identity in our wounds to a place of receiving the victory that flows forth from His.

  Listen, I have two amazing churches in my life that only spur me onto this because that is the example they walk in... Renovatus Church in Charlotte, and Dwelling Place in Christiansburg,VA  ....  I have been healed and loved and shown the power of letting go of self-preservation by the examples I get to see walked out and preached in both places.  I am learning how to stand again and walk again because of the truth that gets spoken forth over me and into me.  

So open your mouths and speak, bring into the light those things that would bare down upon you the heavy weights of shame.  Let Him be the lifter of your head, and know and experience the reality of His redemption, the power of opening your mouths, and the transformation that comes as your love not your life even unto death.  

My Redemption Song... Part Two

My past was looming large. Not the things that were done to me, the things I have done. The places where I caused harm, and at times didn't even care. Then it wasn't just the past. It was where I could point to now and see lack, and how my inadequacies cause harm.

I want to share something really precious to me. For those of you who have read the blog post: http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/02/do-you-know-that-you-will-always-be-ok.html There is a place in there where I write about how Jesus was sitting on the end of my bed and holding my left foot. The moments with the Lord in that time were some of the most full I have ever walked.

But until I would share that story with my husband the question of why He was holding onto my left foot wasn't connecting with me.

So this past Summer I had to have two surgeries on my big left toe. And some of those issues are coming up again and it looks like a third surgery is going to have to take place.

One thing about me is physical pain and I aren't friends. Well, Mims who is friends with physical pain. True. What I mean to say is there are aspects to parts of my life where the amount of physical pain I was subjected to still causes me to cringe. So when there is physical pain within my body, it can serve as a reminder of other times.

As I told Jim about how Jesus was touching my left foot and what He was saying, Jim just looked at me. As he looked at me, it dawned on me.. finally, OK I'm slow on the pick up sometimes.

Jesus was holding my left foot! Primarily Jesus had been holding my foot by my big toe. I was trying to think of all the metaphoric symbolism without just seeing it for the most amazing, majestic, kind demostration of His love that was filling out the moment at hand.

His proclaimations then of calling me to trust Him in the truth that I will always be ok, took on even more depth and I was moved to the core of my being. He was truly proclaiming into me that I would be ok. For now, for then, for always! My heart has been made so full.

Never shying away from the stories that make up my life, I feel like I am stepping into a whole new realm with them. Maybe it is in completing Book One, maybe it is just finally beginning to taste what it might mean to be emerging from this very long season of transition, whatever it is there is a sweetness in the air and a feeling of the reality that “behold, the Winter is past...” Song of Songs 2:11.

I know my story stands as a Redemption Song more than ever. I know that your stories stand as a Redemption Song more than ever, I know that my guilt is done and my sins are forgiven in ways I have never experienced. I know that your guilt is done and your sins forgiven in ways I have never known, that are birthing compassion and the capacity to hand out grace in ways I have never imagined.

I know that He is so thoroughly making all things new. I know that truth. And while accusations might still want to roar, the power of their hold has been so greatly dimished, I stand in awe of God in ways that wave after wave are pouring over me and upon under which I am brought to my knees as gratitude courses through my veins.

I was lost and now am so found. I had not known mercy but I do now more than ever, I was not part of a people and now I am called a child of God. As are you! As are you!

Burning Coals by David and Meredith Tolentino

http://renovatusworship.bandcamp.com/track/burning-coal

I was walkin' in the Carolina soil
Diggin' my toes into the earth
Watchin' the river snaking by
and there my soul was satisfied
The dragon flies were buzzing through the air
echoing the Maker's grand design
I sat at the base of that old hollow tree
and listened to Creation's melody
And the glory of the Lord filled the temple
The brightness of His glory lingered there
The sound of angels' wings rumbled through the earth
The voice of God Almighty thundered there
The angel took the coal from the altar
He placed that burnin' cinder 'pon my mouth
He said, "Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven"
I will rejoice in this redemption song
When the rain came pouring down
My soul soaked up the sound
Up from the ground sprung everlasting water
And there my soul was satisfied

My Redemption Song..... Part One

If you get in the car with me these days the first thing you will hear is music, #8 to be exact. #8 on the cd our church in Charlotte, Renovatus, put out not to long ago. The song is called Burning Coals, and it is written and sung by some amazing people.

I can't get through this song these days without weeping. I'll tell you more about why in a moment but for now here are the Lyrics and the link where you can go hear it for yourself.

I was walkin' in the Carolina soil
Diggin' my toes into the earth
Watchin' the river snaking by
and there my soul was satisfied
The dragon flies were buzzing through the air
echoing the Maker's grand design
I sat at the base of that old hollow tree
and listened to Creation's melody
And the glory of the Lord filled the temple
The brightness of His glory lingered there
The sound of angels' wings rumbled through the earth
The voice of God Almighty thundered there
The angel took the coal from the altar
He placed that burnin' cinder 'pon my mouth
He said, "Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven"
I will rejoice in this redemption song
When the rain came pouring down
My soul soaked up the sound
Up from the ground sprung everlasting water
And there my soul was satisfied

http://renovatusworship.bandcamp.com/album/the-liturgy-and-the-shout

As the month of February approached I felt the Lord calling me to write, and telling me I would write the first of this series of fictional books based on my life in one month. Now in the beginning of the month that was daunting. As I sat and saw that 20,000 words were put together but that there was still so far to go, I had no clue how it was all going to happen.

On February 27, while still much editting needs to be put into play, The Confessor Book One was done sitting currently at 100,970 words. We printed it out. I wept as I held it. I put Burning Coals on, as the lyrics are actually the last words in the book. (Thank you Meredith:) )

I wept. Currently I have one “send me the whole transcript” and one rejection as we walk out finding a book agent. Please keep that in prayer.

Moving on...

The lyrics that get me every time.. every time... if I'm not crying by this point.. I'll be weeping after they are sung are these...

“He said, "Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven"
I will rejoice in this redemption song”

Even writing them I feel the emotion. This is an emotional time. I hold over 450 pages in my hands that span my lifetime. Where I have been, where I am and where it is I am going.

You know where it says Jesus came for the sick... Mark 2:17 And hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick; I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

You know where Paul speaks in In 1Timothy 1:15,

”This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.” I feel the reality of that but more than being a chief of all sinners I feel those last words of Burning Coals,

“He said, "Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven" I will rejoice in this redemption song”

Burning deeper and deeper into me. Not just for the things I did before I knew Him but for every day. My life as a Redemption Song. It lands on my heart and takes my breath away. “He said, “Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven.” I do rejoice. I feel the aspect of redemption upon my life more and more thoroughly then ever before.

The depth of gratitude. The depth of joy. The depth of understanding that I could have never earned it. But again not for just initial salvation but for every day. Every day I need to be reminded that my guilt is done and my sins forgiven and hear the truth of my redemption song.

Thank you Tolentinos, thank you Renovatus. You have taught me this oh so very well and for you I am beyond full of gratitude.

Do you know that you will always be OK?

Knowing the days and times....

Yesterday was that kind of day... couldn't even put my finger on it. It was one of those days that makes me sit and think and pray and wonder.

It made me wonder about the times and seasons we live in, it made me wonder what was upon us, it made me sit and think and ask God about the days we live within. The weirdness of the day. The way it all felt off. While there is still so very much transition going on in our own lives, this felt larger.

There is no doubt that my heart beats, and my entire make up believes in the revelatory nature of the Kingdom of God, that being so I don't seek after words about dates, and times, and this or that happening. If God wants to tell me there is nothing stopping Him, but I walk in relationship with Him to be in relationship with Him, not to have the future told.

Interesting enough though there was a conversation He wanted to have and He started it last night and continued it all day today. When concluding our talk I felt more loved and more cherished as His daughter, more aware of His reality and more full of the understanding of what knowing the days and times is all about.

Do you love me? Was the question that He asked. I answered that I did indeed love Him, while in the moment knowing where fear, and doubt and flesh got in the way. Interesting stuff gets revealed when He asks His questions. That is after all I believe why He usually asks them, He knows the answers, maybe the real question is do we?

Do you know that you will always be ok? I looked at Him as He looked at me and I was silent. Not expecting that question. Knowing the answer. We sat there, together, me just looking at Him, He just looking at me.

“No, my Lord I don't know nor do I believe that I will always be ok”. He was going further in one moment then I wanted but I knew not to shut off the journey. Though the topic was painful and that which He was touching unpleasant, all I wanted was for Him to continue sitting with me. I know, I know .. His presence never leaves and He never forsakes. But this moment, this moment was one of those moments and I wasn't taking it for granted. I needed Him. I sat there acknowledging my need for Him.

He sat by feet. Shouldn't I be sitting by His. He just smiled. He held my left foot in His hand and spoke that I would always be ok. I just looked at Him.

What's the worse that could happen? Was the next question. Miles length of answers ran through my head and my heart while I didn't utter one of them, I didn't need to. He knew them all anyway.

So what happens then? If any or all of that happens? Are you not ok? Question upon question. What if I said you would be ok? He wasn't now just asking the questions, He was answering them. Do you trust me to make sure that you are always going to be ok?

We got to the crux of the matter. No, my Lord. I do not. Because what you say ok looks like and what I say ok looks like most times are two very different things. I'm afraid. And we were exactly where He wanted me to be. Trust, fear, doubt, faith, love, confidence....... Assurance.

In a moment the truth He was pouring over me was like Niagra Falls. I sat there soaking it all in. That in this world the trials and tribulations will come. In this world there is death and sickness and sorrow and pain. Yet while walking in this world I do have the assurances that it does not get to dictate or determine if I am ok. I am ok. Period.

Within some moments His truths are way easier to believe than at others. Especially when He is sitting at the end of your bed, telling you so. Yeah, those aren't the moments where the struggle exists.

Will you do me a favor?

Now what do you say to that? Was my first thought.

Will you be who you are. Again we just looked at one another. He had already spoken about the days and seasons and times. He had already spoken about how the love of most will grow cold, the increase of wickedness, and more.

What do you do in such a time as this?

I knew He had the answer He wanted me to hear, but I knew that He planted the answer within me as well.

I knew that I still allowed situations and circumstances to all too easily dictate to me the reality of the wellness of my soul. I knew that we had been down this road before, and all the while I knew that there was more grace for me than I even knew what to do with.

I love you, He spoke.

You'll be ok.

I knew He wanted me to look up the statement, “though the mountains be removed.” I could hear Him saying it and saying it... as I googled searched the quote.. Isaiah 54:10 came forth in the search...

For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And My covenant of peace will not be shaken," Says the LORD who has compassion on you.

Then to Psalm 46:

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the Earth should change.

As I read on and on I knew that though that which the world dictates rings true into my ears and heart. I knew where it was that He wanted me to journey towards.

Would you be who you are? We were there again. Having so known the lack of love and having so known the agony of abandonment, I feel within myself an understanding of love that I mediate through at times. Who wants to be the sappy one? Is usually my question back to Him. Yet tonight, tonight while sitting at the foot of my bed and looking me in the eyes and touching my foot, I knew He has trained me up for love, He has loved me first with an excellence that is all powerful and amazing. How could I live any less? How could I allow fear to force me into a place where I hold at bay my capacity to love?

I looked at Him and spoke that I would try. I would try. In these moments I feel more seen, more known then ever before. Whenever He comes like this He leaves me more thoroughly His, the fears that had been upon my mind were being blown away. The reality of the fact that I am crowned with the lovingkindnesses of God filled my head instead.

What do we do upon days like yesterday when the atmosphere feels full of fear and uncertainty? We remember! We remember where we come from and where it is that we are going. We get firmly planted in the fact that our citizenship is not of this earth, and that this earth does not get to dictate or determine how it is that we walk.

I'm not there... not truly. But if I'm honest. I'm getting there more and more through His love, His affection, His mercy and His grace... I'm landing there more and more.

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And My covenant of peace will not be shaken," Says the LORD who has compassion on you.” What more does a girl need to know? What other ground does a daughter stand upon.