My heart is reavished... Reflections of a Daughter who Happens to See...

Reflections of a Daughter who Happens to See...

I don't mind at all when people ask about and desire understanding into the gift of seeing. I don't mind talking about the reality of the unseen real. I don't mind talking about the reality of the Kingdom of God as it looks like upon the Earth. These are places that while I don't take for granted I live and walk among. These are places that daily teach me and instruct me in my inheritance as it flows forth now, and as it will flow forth into all eternity.

I don't take seeing for granted because I have been blind and in my blindness my heart ached and my lack of understanding caused me to perish at times.

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Elisha opens the eyes of his servant. Having only seen the intimidation and forces of their enemy now his eyes were open to the ever present answer of the Lord their God. How His answer to the forces of the enemy produced courage and strength.

It is one of my favorite stories because Elisha isn't saying let me see for you and tell you,it isn't about Elisha. He makes it about those that serve him. He isn't content to see for himself, he yearns that all would see.

I've thought about the people and Moses quite a bit lately. Moses tells the Lord that he will not go forward if the Lord doesn't go forward with him, but then allows the people to let him, Moses, go forward into the deep darknesses of God without them.

He goes and brings back.

I want that day to be done more than I want anything. I want to say to the people I will personally always go into the deep darknesses of our God because I know that I emerge more his; more his daughter, more bearing his image, more like him. But no longer can I be satisfied to only bring it back. I will go for me, but I will ask that no one says go for us.

I want to see the reality of Ephesians 4:11-16, those that are gifted not operating for themselves but for the benefit of the body, so that we can all.. ALL, “attain to the unity of faith,” and be built up. I want to propel people who would be satisfied to drink of the breast of another to move forward into eating meat. And I would love to compel any leader to see the heart of Elisha, to see the heart of Father God and as they walk, walk in a depth of compassion for the people like Christ.

I have sadly seen too much of the opposite.

Why this morning? Why write this this morning?

I was on Facebook, and I saw a picture of a dear old friend. In their eyes was death and it made me sad. Before you go thinking was it me, was it me... Ask yourself, is it me... Don't worry if I saw something, what do I matter, my opinion means nothing. I saw death in their eyes because they have made service and ministry their god, put things upon their person that our God isn't, and it is crushing their soul. That makes me sad.

I see. It is my heart's cry that while all might not intrinsically be seers in the sense of gifting or of the word or experience that all would have their hearts, ears, and eyes open to the reality of the Kingdom of God as it pulsates and thrives around them, at it exists at hand. That all would see and know their God and be known by Him. That as hard upon the flesh and the natural life the deep darknesses of God are there is nothing more life giving and propelling into the truest nature of what reality really is about.

Let's walk together, let's equip together and not ever step into foolish competition or one man up manship (such things should never find their way into the expression of Christ and His family), let's have hearts that desire above all things to see the body built up, so that we will no longer be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by the craftiness in deceitful scheming. Let's speak the truth in love and grow up into all aspects into Him who is the head.

He is who I love, and I am loved by Him more thoroughly then I could ever comprehend, as are you. That love and exposure to the deep darknesses of who He is is fundamentally changing me, I don't even pretend to understand it all, and it is more brutal and more difficult at times then I know to speak. But I know His whispers as if they are a roar more and more, and I have learned the posture of leaning that now I can not walk alone.

Walk into the deep darknesses, open your Eyes and behold your God, His affections will ravish you and leave you altered forever.

Men slept while God battled for their souls... and at times still do...

Those moments are more and more upon my thoughts. I think of the soil of Gethsemane that received his tears, his blood... his cry. The weight and heaviness of that moment upon creation. Upon Christ.

I think of Moses and the deep darkness how he invited the people to join Him.

These pictures and images and words and ideas are all floating around my head creating within me thoughts that are forever changing me and wooing my heart deeper into His ways and further focused towards the place where my truest citizenship resides.

Leaders... people... God.....

Twenty years of ministry and the hunger to not only not ever step back onto a hamster wheel but demolish the hamster wheel is upon me.... Carefully walking these waters because judgment can be oh so tricky and we can call a cow a cow but not see with the eyes of Christ and step into a place of harsh terrain that I long to avoid.

I am glued back to the simplicity of the words of love.. Simple and yet profound... they will rock your world up one side and down the other if you let them.. Love does not seek it's own... love is patient.. kind.. not boasting... it is not easily provoked... does not take into account a wrong suffered... it is not arrogant.... bears all things.. believes all things... hopes all things .. endures all things...

I do not love... I long to love.. but I do not love with full measure... this is the calling..This is your calling.. it is my calling.... this is the pursuit.. this is all that will go forward into eternity... all else will pass away but love moves beyond time and kisses the eternal...

Self preservation must cease … a deep trust taking its place...

What does this have to do with the Garden... with the deep darkness...

Times of transition.... times where battling of the flesh and human nature and deep darkness are upon all.....

Christ stepped into that moment and we know His proclamation of the will of the Father be done not His own... we see the agony of such times upon our Savior as He aches for the fellowship and comfort and prayers of friends anguishing in the moment of the cup that is at hand as His soul battles face to face with Father.. alone in a moment of monumental weight ..... Christ and Father... Father and Son...

Men slept while God battled for their souls... and at times still do...

Moses' invitation into the deep unknown.. He emerges altered forever but the people have been satisfied with a golden image instead of the image of the indestructible God.

Moments liken unto those are all around us.... the hunger for kings still fills the hearts of man.. the longing for the proverbial meat but only wanting to drink the milk to get to it … leaders all too willing to accommodate the people so that their thrones don't get tossed...

Haven't we exhausted ourselves yet.... haven't we seen too much.. let me put it this way.. I have seen too much and I'm sad... I have exhausted myself ... and I'm exhausted and sad and disgusted …

This season.. this season of relentless moments over the course of the last few years has positioned my eyes to different places and upon Him all the more...

I remember years ago when I wanted to listen to a tape series on a subject I was pursuing and Father asked me not to... telling me that He was teaching me and He was laying instruction into my heart.. but lacking confidence in that place and trusting in men more than my God I listened... He was right.. there wasn't anything on that tape series that He Himself hadn't taught me and what followed was truly sad...

He gave me what I wanted and expressed His heart that He would not instruct me like He had been doing for the next season.. I had trusted in Chariots .. I had trusted in other men's revelation more than the heart beat of God as it had poured out upon my heart and mind. It isn't that there are never to be teachers and leaders it is that we need to have our hearts and eyes focused rightly.

This is no longer about ugliness seen upon men and leaders and ministry.. nor is it about the ugliness seen upon myself... This is about how do we then live...

The deep darknesses and the gardens are horrible places for the flesh and tear upon the soul in ways that I have not the words for.... but they truly are one of the most magnificent and horrifying places to be... to encounter God....

Elisha's servant's heart was frail and afraid... seeing only the schemes and plans of the enemy the servant did not know the answer of the Kingdom.. the answer of God... But Elisha in that moment didn't create a cripple unto himself... He empowered the servant's eyes to see...

Empowering others... empowering any and all who hunger and thirst.. empowering myself away from some corrupted horrific puny version of religious truths into life.... Into the deep darkness and into the garden.. into the wilderness because the promise is that when I emerge.. I will emerge leaning on my beloved.... and then whatever it took to land me there is where I need to walk...

It isn't pretty church... It isn't pretty life... but it's life!

As he would express his heart for what he saw happening he would describe his desire for the people.  When within the confines of a Sunday morning expression things go off script. There isn't a problem.  The priority becomes what within that moment is upon the heart of God for His people. "It isn't pretty church," he would comment.

I was sitting in a coffee shop.  A woman walked in, she was perfect. Her clothes, make-up, hair... everything about this woman was put together. The woman I wash with spoke up and shared how to  her what just walked in was to be likened to a piece of art.  Our thoughts couldn't have been more opposite, I was thinking about how I hoped that what had her have everything perfect to the nth degree would find rest and healing.

I just recently told a friend  that my heart's desire was that we would have met  during a different season in my life.  What I realized this morning was I was saying that I wish we had met when everything was prettier, when I had the capacity to keep an exterior looking better even if there was an interior struggle.

In the  last few years I have had opportunity to lay a hold and a hold and a hold of the truth that in my weakness He is strong.  And when the opportunity that I was within would begin to subside right upon its heals time and time again another would follow.

Searching for equilibrium and reorientation each time but right before it felt like my gut could breath again another punch would land with it a new wave of disorientation and whatever poise or balance I had achieved was seemingly lost.

We've all heard it said that funny (not really) reality that there is no way the fruit of long suffering manifests without living out the suffering long... and living in the Western hemisphere I cringe at even using the word suffering. Upon looking up the definition however my heart landed on some truths.

I don't   know when this season ends... or if it does... I don't know what the next moments hold.. or what is held within them...  I don't know what tomorrow or the next month brings... I do know that situations and circumstances come and there are times in life when they come hard and wave after wave only seems like they are coming harder....

Not to be cliche but in these seasons we learn who we really are and what is really within us... and if we allow these seasons to do their work what does emerge is weakness... but a place for His strength to reside... death.. but a place for His life to be lived... poverty but a place for His wealth to bring transformation...

It isn't pretty but it is the most real I have ever felt... weepy and sad and broken and weak and poor and dead but comforted and healed and strong and rich and alive!

Nothing is fully right until they've been strengthened...

The sounds of rain falling fill my ears as tears stream down my face, my breath keeps getting caught in my chest .. My throat...

There is only one place in this moment ... That is where I go.. No words... No prayers... Just single minded effort..

Curling up like a tiny kitten I place myself in His lap and breath and cry...

There aren't any words not even the capacity to expend the energy to lift my head as to gaze into His eyes...

He is the lifter of my head and I wait upon Him... For the promise when weeping will cease and joy will arrive..

Curled up .. Not capable of moving .. Not capable of pushing aside this great ache...

Here.. He is my refuge.. My hiding place and no thought ... No action...

I'm His daughter and He takes my sadness seriously... I have daughters... I have sons.. When they are sad nothing is fully right until they've been strengthened..

In repentance and rest is your salvation
In quietness and confidence is your strength

Would the Revelatory Prostitutes Please.. Please .. Please sit down..

Would the revelatory prostitutes please sit down... Your actions and words betray the very essence of the heart beat of God

Ok I know that that is quite the opening statement... But the more I enter into this season and actually have my eyes opened wider my heart gains understanding I wish I had always walked in and ache to walk in all the more...

In these moments where kindness has exploded into the atmosphere and strength and joy gets imparted, my eyes are laid open to where in life I have both participated in and watched as people take that which they see and feel and know and exploit it for their own benefit... for their own building up instead of the building up of The Body and humanity.... The lifting up of a name of man instead of Christ....

As one who works with ministry as a livelihood I stepped back and took account of what it is we are doing and where it is that we are going and what is necessary and what would be the tables that Christ would come and knock down and cleanse...

I thought of the most intimate moments between my husband and I and how I don't go around broadcasting the details of such times to anyone who will listen however how many times do I/we take the experiences and visions and moments with the Lord and handle them carelessly instead of cherishing them as precious between the lover of my soul and myself....

As I processed these emotions this afternoon I began to separate out truth from falsehood.

There are places where in the sharing of such moments what is being expressed is the reality of the Kingdom of God and that these moments do indeed take place and are indeed precious. That in sharing when the Heavens are open and whether here or there sweet and beautiful transactions in the spirit do occur people's faith is built up and the hungry are fed and understanding comes forth.

However we all know the difference between those times and the times where we want to look good.. or we want to be the one that has the most profound revelation of the hour.. or and the list can go on and on... how absurd these thoughts and these behaviors...because the truth is we always carry the most profound revelation within ourselves and when we walk there and allow the realities of who it is that we most intrinsically are to flow forth everything changes.....

In these last few years the prophetic or revelatory lifestyle has changed for me.... The understanding of why we see and hear and feel and know has become all consuming... If the testimony of prophecy is Jesus and that which Jesus said about Himself was that He came not to condemn the world but to bring salvation and to birth within creation the understanding of the passion of our Father for us then anything we would ever walk in must meet that criteria.

Spiritual experiences and supernatural occurrences are reality... they are fire... and they will either mess with someone and burn them for life or they will ignite both the participate and the observer into life within the explosive reality of sonship and daughterhood. It is love.. it is kindness... it is generosity of action and behavior that must be always left as the most fantastical aspect to any sharing of experience or activity... If it misses that mark you are squandering your Father's wealth and prostituting the gifts He laid out for you....

Why see? Why hear? Why know? Why feel? It is so that the Kingdom of God is expressed in tangible and powerful ways... the litmus test must be the fruit.... has kindness so infected the atmosphere... has love so penetrated the hardest of soil.. do the hearers leave knowing that they are the sons and daughters of God or do they leave thinking that the speaker is and where do they lack? If that second is the case... it is not the failure of the people but the failure of the one who ministers.....

This season is for the building up of the Body so that all can mature into the headship of Christ and it is upon the sons and daughters of God in this time to grab a hold of the reality that the Body is made up of many parts and all are necessary.. not one more than the other....

Kindness at the Transfer Station Speaks More of Christ than A Million Best Preached Sermons

This morning I had a profound encounter with kindness and as the affects worked their way in and through me I navigated truths I have held onto for the longest of times and found myself repenting and hungry.....

We have been away the last two garbage days.. or maybe it was that garbage day fell both on Christmas and New Years this year and besides being away I hadn't taken the time to look up when pick up actually would be... so we were left with all these bags of garbage and needing to get them taken care of...

Having been sick and ever so weak I had left them  for a couple of days and this morning, in beginning to get my strength back, thought that I would go to the transfer station...

Loading the garbage bags into the car and heading over there I smiled to myself as this transfer station always has the kindest workers and it isn't a drudgery at all to have to go there. While that statement is beyond true for any encounter I have had with the numerous employees that work there I was not prepared for the interaction of gentle kindness and life giving mercies that were about to befall me....

Maybe it was that I looked haggard that this stranger would be so kind however  the way this older man looked it was more that kindness was upon him as a lifestyle. I parked the car and went around to the other side to get out the bags. The gentleman came over and took them from me and I returned to get the other one only for him to have followed to assist again.

He had been talking to a friend of his and after helping me he went back to his conversation... But prior to me leaving he looked up at me and wished me a good day. He went back to his conversation however again he would look up at me and again he would with extra words of kindness continue to express his hope that my day was a good one.

I was left startled..  There was something resonating in the words he spoke and as I pulled around I thought I must go back and tell that man thank you.... but the driveway wasn't conducive to making a U-turn and so I drove off. But marked by his kindness I just had to go back and thank him... so I drove up the road and turned around and headed back...

By the time I arrived again at the transfer station it was full with people.. and I felt weird about approaching this stranger in front of everyone and expressing my gratitude but if ever I felt the nudging of Holy Spirit it was in this moment....

He looked up and saw me and I started to walk over to him... He was old enough to be my grandfather and as I went up to him he met me, looking at him I began to speak, “thank you.. thank you for those extra words of kindness.. I had to come back.. I had to tell you that the time you took to simply wish me a good day and help me out meant a lot to me.”

In turn he spoke of how my coming back and taking the time to say thank you blessed him... We shared a tad bit more dialogue and it was apparent as he offered to keep me in his prayers that his faith branded him.  It was his nature... it was who he was.....

 He walked me back to my car and opened the door for me..I stood there and hugged him....  twenty minutes prior complete strangers and now assisting me to my car and  telling me once again he would keep me in his prayers, waiting as I sat down, closing the door behind me .. it was the reality of Christ in that parking lot of the transfer station...

It is the kindness of God that leads people to repentance...

It is His mercy that triumphs over judgment..

In these moments, where kindness exploded into the atmosphere and strength and joy was imparted, my eyes were laid open to the capacity of the Kingdom of God to lay a hold of a moment and to impart life... not a worker at a transfer station and not a house wife and mom but earthly representations of a God whose kindness had Him enter so very profoundly into humanity... walking out that representation into the lives of one another.....

A life in transition...The realization of Dreams often look very different then we expect...

Last year this time we told our very good friends in Virginia that we felt that we would be moving up there when our oldest son graduated high school... We asked for prayer and we walked forward...  In March we would tell our friends in the Charlotte area the decision that was changing the direction of our lives however  at that time it was still quite far in the future.... or so it seemed....

A life in transition has been lived since... 

Today we partook in a family tradition of ours that has us making Gingerbread houses and stacking children on top of one another and taking pictures and laughing and yelling and crying and screaming and all the "fun" of 6 children and 2 adults plus company and family celebrating this almost decade long ceremony of sorts....  I can go back and see when it was three children on a stack and move through the years until this one...

Transitioning from season to season to season...

On Monday I stood upon a property that has stolen my heart and where I dream of the future and today I stood in a place of offering communion as an Elder's wife to a church of people who are a people from the future... What?  Oh it is one of the most beautiful church vision/mission statements I have ever read... It is called the Renovatus Manifesto...  and the part I refer to is this:

  "We are people from the future. We act in fearless conviction that the rules have changed and that we are partnering with God to make that change visible. We will not be reactionary to anything or anyone, because the apocalyptic event of resurrection has already transformed the world. (Matthew 27.45-54)"  

  (To read the complete version of it you can go to :  http://pastorjonathanmartin.com/uncategorized/the-renovatus-manifesto/)

One foot upon a mountain in Virginia and one foot within a community in Charlotte....

Transitioning from season to season and place to place...

Tonight whether it has been looking at photos of my now almost 18 year old and seeing the face of him at 5.. or looking at a front yard in New Jersey to a living room in New Hampshire.. To different rental homes in Fort Mill, SC...  I have come to the place where I know seasons have come and seasons have gone.. with them dreams have grown, altered, died, resurrected and been changed... I along them....

Transition has all these affects upon a person...

Not still knowing exactly where we will have been settled into this time next year.. holding much out before the Lord I grapple with the realities that we still face... relocation issues come up quicker then I know what to do with and the reality of a life lived in transition for a full year with six more months have my heart about to faint....

None of this happening in a bubble...  it isn't ever one thing... it is the challenges of life that come all together that can cause one to need to take deep breathes....  and realize that it might all look very different then I ever thought but if I am truly trusting in the Lord as my heart desires to do then I must trust that it will be His goodness that triumphs after all...

Our  family will move.... a son will go off to college... kids will start at a new school... and life with its many twists and turns will come upon us every day..... but the things that stay the same are those things that I desire to lay a hold of....  I will live within one community while holding others in my heart ...

Transition....

I love that one of my dear friends is a Doula....

 I love the conversations we  have about transition as it pertains to child birth... having been there six times (full term) .. I remember.... breathing is essential.... in the middle of it the pain can be excruciating (so very true both in life and labor) ... at the end of it (for us) there was always a baby.... New life...

This season perhaps has been one of the longest transitions I have ever walked through ... but as I think upon it I am truly grateful....  It has taught me to understand in ways I don't know if I would without this season that principal of sojourner.. pilgrim...

As I read an article on some versus in 1 Peter, the author stated this:

 "A sojourner is a traveler who hasn't reached his destination yet. The term is applied to Abraham in Hebrews 11. In verse 9 it says, "by faith he became a sojourner in the land of promise." And in verse 13 there is this statement about him and others: "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." A sojourner is a traveler who hasn't reached his final destination. Christians are sojourners. We sing in the gospel song, "this world is not our home."
The other term is pilgrim, and it has about the same significance; it means TEMPORARY VISITOR. We tarry here on earth just for a short time; our greater task is to make preparation for our final destination. We have no permanent domicile here,"

This very long season of transition.....

This very long season of transition has brought it all home....  Aspects of my affections linger in the NH mountains... in the Manhattan city streets.. in the New Jersey suburbs...  Aspects of my affections will always reside within a not so small Southern town of Fort Mill and the nearby city of Charlotte.... aspects of my affections have lived, do live and will live upon country acres.. where they say things like "Lord willing and the creek don't rise.." and the creek rising well, it actually might play a part in the reality of life...

Transitioning from place to place.. glory to glory.. strength to strength...

The disorientation of leaving one place to walk towards the unfamiliar... letting go of one shore to release and journey towards the next...

In trying to remember to breathe and understand that new life comes forth from transition.. I leave the temporary to try and grab a hold of the permanent....  this journey.. this place of in between where we walk out our lives is not  just the stage Shakespeare refers to... it is so much grander... we aren't but actors playing our parts and our roles... we are the Children of God and each step takes us forward and through this transition... this miracle.. this beauty, slash craziness, slash marvel  of life... further into Him... 

Not that I have laid a hold of the reality of that all but amidst so much "transition" a grand notion to be held out in front as a focal point is the greatest transition of all.... Focus...  besides breathing it is that one decision that propels the woman in labor through ....  

For me this moment... well,  it takes me to the song Breathe of Heaven...  Mary's song....  

A baby was born and in His birth declared the greatest transition of all.... 

Mankind which was not a people and had not been shown mercy was now to know mercy and to become His people....

I have traveled many moonless nightsCold and weary with a babe insideAnd I wonder what I've doneHoly Father, You have comeAnd chosen me now to carry Your Son
I am waiting in a silent prayerI am frightened by the load I bearIn a world as cold as stoneMust I walk this path alone?Be with me now, be with me now
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holyBreath of Heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my faceIf a wiser one should have had my place?But I offer all I amFor the mercy of Your planHelp me be strong, help me be, help me
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holy
Breath of Heaven, hold me togetherBe forever near me, breath of HeavenBreath of Heaven, lighten my darknessPour over me Your holiness for You are holyBreath of Heaven, breath of Heaven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdLwZCprtkI  ...... Breath of Heaven....................