As I look at His smile I get lost in His gaze

We use so many aspects of life to measure worth and value.... these days have had me lost in the smile of the One who loves me and knows me oh so very well..... In His gaze I have been made complete... and in His smile I have found an acceptance of who I am regardless of anything else.... who I am... who He knit me together to be... who He knit me together to love and be loved..... As I look at His smile I get lost in His gaze and lean and lean and lean all the more into Him....

He has walked me to places and through places and into places and away from places... and He has taught me to lean not upon my own understanding but in all my ways to acknowledge Him and He directs my path......

In this season He has drawn me into seeing through His eyes all the more... seeing as He sees and being made aware of His heart and all I can say is I am more and more and more in love with Him..... The more aware I become of His love towards me and the more I receive and dwelll within that love the more solid I feel inside... Not based upon exterior standards... or the standards of the world or even myself.... but solidly and solely based upon Him and that which He says.... solidly based upon the fact that He has declared that He has loved with an everlasting love and drawn me unto Himself in lovingkindness.....

The truth of who Christ is... of who God is is truly revolutionary... amazing.... altering.... allowing it to impact me further and further into the depths of all that I am is bringing forth a reality in my life that I never fully anticipated... the more I let go.. the more He grabs ahold of me... and the more life I experience....

I loving seeing as He sees and knowing as He knows.... being taught of Him for He is so truly gentle and He shepherds my heart in the most amazing of ways.... His delight is in me and it causes great delight to flow in me and through me .. His delight is teaching me things I never even anticipated being taught and I know He is so fundamentally affecting the way I think upon oh so very many things....

His affections are making all the difference... they are drawing me into that which He is truly passionate about ..... a heart for people.... a hunger for people to know Him.... to know how fully they are known and loved by Him.... To believe that which He has said is truth and live in a vibrant expectation of His capacity to walk into the landscapes of life and change everything for the glory of the Father.......

His kindness has changed the way I perceive life.. His beauty has changed the way I see life.... His strength has changed the way I live life....

I could have been so easily her.... except I would have been guilty Part 2

Disclaimer... :) I am all over the place in this blog and yet I will leave it as it is.....

It is amazing the things one might try and stay away from.... not even fully conscious of the fact that I was staying away from it but yet not interested one iota in something that was captivating the attentions of oh so many......


But here is where I have been brought to in the days since my attempts to not give into the current news item that was throwing its most recent captive to the wolves.... super stars... reality tv.... news... media.... there is not much separating some of that which we call entertainment these days from the Roman Colosseum ... and truly some of the things we watch could very easily lead to death or injury..... ok I truly need to get to where I am going....


Here I go.... not sure how to get there and what it will take in the area of laying bare my soul and my life but here I go.....

What gets to determine truth.... what gets to determine what one believes or what we are willing to believe as a community..... so what if I with a sick sense of humor wanted to teach my child that blue was really green and that green was really blue.... stay with me here.... what if from the time my child was a baby I pointed to the beautiful blue sky and said "green"... What would my child believe? They would believe a lie....

Obvious right... but how about all the lies we believe about ourselves and the world... how about believing that wealth... cars... houses... position... power equate to success... or the standards of beauty that our children and ourselves grow up under and live with.... then the beliefs of less than and more than equate into how we perceive ourselves and our world... we buy into those lies and those false belief systems all the time...


Obvious lies... obvious truth.... obvious good ... obvious bad... or maybe not so much... we judge and regard others concerning that which we have known or experienced.... we attempt to sort out others lives and play god and determine their worth on some pathetic hierarchical scale that determines rank and position and whether or not so and so is worth getting to know or who the "right" person is to befriend and what can they get me... and then we throw a whole group of people under the bus because they aren't worth the time of day based on a world system full of performance oriented demands and structures and standards that even the church has bought into....

Lies... well.. I knew the world of lies really well.. and I have realized lately that I actually knew the world of lies even more than I thought I did.... I bought into all that which I just wrote and judged myself and allowed myself to be judged based on all of that... believed my worth was more determined upon the favor of man and what I could do as if I was some performing monkey... but I needed the approval of man so desperately that I wasn't willing to threaten the very system that held me captive to its stupidity.....

Listen... there isn't anything I won't share if it would result in just even one other person being able to see the truth that really sets the captives free.....
its Christ and Him bleeding and dying on the cross that gets to set the standards of what is truth and what is right... It is Jesus having been in equality with God not considering that something to be grasped but laid His life down and took on the likeness of man so that we could know His Father and call God Abba ourselves...

I know all too well that I could have been so easily guilty of murder... I used to daydream about killing those I should have loved... and I used to have to fight thoughts of harming a child..... I used to have to fight thoughts of abandoning everything and running away as an adult.... I used to have to contend for a life that I didn't even know could exist ... I held on to the faintest of hopes that life could be different while I did not know what that difference was and had not one iota of what it could look like.....

Why to expose myself like this... because I am a fool... no... I am hungry.... I don't care what I look like or what you think because I am more desperate that you realize what lies you are buying into and what it is doing to you..... you don't have to have touched the choices to live or not live or let live or commit harm... to have had lies affect your life in a debilitating way...

Is that one person's opinion matter more than anything... can you not live unless you look a certain way... are you willing to bring harm to yourself or go threw crazy situations so that you might be finally accepted....

I once thought if only those who were supposed to love me and raise me up knew the truth than all would be fine... I staked my life on it... I thought that if only they knew the truth and knew that I wasn't lying about certain things and events then I would be ok... but even when said people had to come face to face with some of those truths... their declaration wasn't of sorrow or forgiveness.. it was of only more accusation.. that I had just been a "sneaky" child and that was that.... I had been the one violated and yet I was the sneaky child....

But truth confronts and those who want to live in lies want to believe what they want to believe and those that are around people like that sometimes have their own investments in keeping up the status quo... I saw it as a child... I saw it as an adult... I've seen it in the church and in ministry....

But here is the thing... Christ brings the truth... a truth so real and vivid and vibrant and powerful... a truth that comes and sets the captives free..... a truth that says I can give you a life you never even knew to dream of .... but you have to be willing to turn and look at the lies and acknowledge them as lies and walk away from them and believe ... believe that this world doesn't get to set the standards... that those standards are lies full of chains that bind and harm... that the world doesn't get to determine success or beauty or failure... it doesn't get to... we don't have to play the world's game the world's way....

That is what it means when it says be in the world but not of it.... we aren't of it... it's rules... it's values.... it's grip.....


We are of a totally other place... where prince and pauper... king and garbage man... president and house keeper.... all will one day bow a knee and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord.... success and life and freedom aren't measurable by the structures and standards of the world...that which the world standards set up are lies.... lies we have bought into.... and yet they only have the power over us that we allow them to have.... I moved away from thinking that I needed certain people to know certain things... I moved away from thinking that who I was was based on other's opinions or ideas of me... I moved away from a past of pain and destruction and lies... and even a life of getting value and worth from ministry and I stepped into a world where but by the grace of God I would be declared guilty... guilty of everything ... but now ... now as far as the east is from the west my transgressions have been removed from me... and now because of Him I stand innocent... guiltless... no condemnation... My heart no longer condemns me and because of this I can stand boldly and confidently before the throne of my Father.... I can't go back to believing in anything less than that which Christ died for me to have.. and He has done it all.... so that truth can reign... we have to want it though... we have to want the truth over the lies... we have to want to see.. and hear.. and know... and be willing to not know where it is that we are going... but follow one who knows the way.. who is the way... the truth .. the life... That is the life I want... nothing less... His life... His way.. His truth...

Do you hear that rattling sound... It is the dry bones of a people arising to become an army

I don't speak concerning restoration of a land as one who doesn't have hope.... I have huge hope... I have crazy hope.... I know that which God can do when one is willing to enter into rest and repentance...


 I have felt the strength and the salvation that enters into life when upon Him and with Him and in Him I declare that rest is a powerful weapon and repentance and turning does bring life!!!


Going to step into what I know how to do... And do it... Share forth from my life.... You have heard me equate my life to Ezekiel's dry bones and the questions from myself and others concerning whether they ( the dry bones) would live again... Whether I could ever function as I was always intended to.... 


Well not arrogantly but in knowing the Father's heart i know what He does for one He does for all....


So if the creator of all things can take a life that no one would have said could live and bring forth life....


 I know He  can take  a nation full of people who know the deep penetrating dryness of bones and yet are tired of that... Are tired of being weary and are tired of the emptiness of religion and the ways of man and want more....


That is the vast army... Made up of people who know what dry bones feel like.... Who know what it is like to be dry... Who know what it is not to have hope .... Who know what weariness is and lack is.. Are you tired of knowing weariness and lack? Do you want rest to the depths of your souls?


You have read where I have shared about my life.. There aren't many people who would ever have said I would get to live where I do!!!  How can I have faith for others... A people...
The question is how can I not?


I was a liar... With a broken and shattered soul... Mind shot... Emotions crushed .. No conscience to speak of ... Seared beyond capacity... No capacity to feel or truly know remorse.. A throw away...  BUT GOD!!!  


Housing crisis.... Job crisis ..... Financial crisis.... Natural disasters.... People confused... Angry... Betrayed... Broken... Afraid... Anxious... Bitter... Sick... Lots and lots of dry bones... Hhhhmmmm maybe a valley full of them... Maybe a nation.... But can they walk again?!?! Can they walk again?!??!  Oh YES ... YES most certain it  can!!!


I had created structures to survive my life .... Through disassociating ... Through allowing my mind to splinter off.... Through closing down my heart... Shutting out that which was painful... I had cut off the flow of life and it hasn't always been easy to turn that spicket  back on.... 


 Trusted in my own  strength and relied on my own know how.... But the dryness didn't go away... Trusted in ministry and religion but that brought as much death... Trusted in the wYs of man and money and finances and and and... And it all led to exhaustion and dry bones...


Through rest and repentance .... Through seasons of quietness and trust have I been saved and strengthen... And dry bones have had life breathed back and now I have arisen and have a  hope so full and intoxicating that I can not keep silent....


I know my God and I know I am His... Went to a place of exile from the human race... Lived so far gone.... So beyond hope .... So broken... But He walked upon the landscape of my life and never quit... He began a good work and is bringing it to completion .... Birthed healing and brought forth joy ...


  I am not one who was destroyed nor am I one now who will shrink back... A confidence has arisen  in a heart that knows new life...


 A confidence that is not arrogance or based on my own effort or capacity to bring anything forth...  A confidence that says as I cease my efforts and rest in Him... He arises.... He breaths new life .... He brings forth hope.... 

The effects of a vision have left me shattered.... For I know the truth and it has set me oh so very free

This is not a one man... One ministry ... One town ... Come to this place and take it back thing... This is get into your closet... Fling yourself down on your floor... Give Him and yourself no rest until He has healed our land... This is not lift such and such a name or such and such a ministry or such and such a place up.. Don't buy your airplane tickets..... Don't reserve your hotel room.. Don't leave your town.. This IS His name being lifted up and drawing all men to Himself.. This is Him hearing His people crying out in unity and repentance.. This is Him hearing from Heaven and healing our land.. I am wrecked by that which I see... And that which I see is Jesus and people... People in need and in Him and by  Him and through Him is there provision.. I know Him... I really know Him and I believe..

That which truly heals a nation... This is that which I will say for as long as there is breath in my lungs... There is no other way

I will not prophesy natural disaster nor will I prophesy peace ... Peace... I don't have to prophesy the truth for the truth has already been spoken and the words of healing for a nation are already out there....


The governments of the world can not solve the problem.. Nor can they avert natural disaster..  The governments of the world can't create enough jobs, help or educate the poor enough, give enough equal rights... The governments of the world while powerful in what they can do are limited....


It matters not what my opinions are concerning one policy or another... One leader or another... It matters not what my thoughts are concerning financial crisis nor anything else of this time... I'm sure I have offended a multitude .... I'm not saying because Jesus is coming back we don't have to worry or participate... I'm not saying it isn't important to have men and women in a public arena to voice the side of righteousness...


I am saying this however....  As I drove out of town yesterday I saw the presence of the Lord going forward... Beyond me... In front of me... To the left and to the right of me... And I knew this....


That when the presence of the Lord is in a place ... In a land... In a community... There is restoration beyond what we could think or imagine ... When the presence of the Lord goes forth people's hearts are changed without effort ... Without straining....

The Word speaks not of ungodly rulers ( which we are called to pray for) being able to fix a country or a land's problems.. It does however speak of the people who are called by God's name being able to do so.... It does speak of the people who are called by God's name can bring healing to a nation..


What does that look like? What does it look like for a nation to have healing ....
Again it is the blind seeing... The deaf hearing.... The lame walking.... It is plentiful food and thriving communities....


It isn't a dream nor is it a flight of fanciful notions or ideas... I know who I am .... I know who my God is... And I know that which He is capable of doing ... And I believe....


I believe in a God that can arise with healing in His wings... I believe in a God who by His might and throw His spirit a nation can be changed in a day....  


I drove and I drove and I drove yesterday and I will never be the same....  I will wait even more upon the Lord and I will place my hope in Him... I will be even more undignified then this....


I am His... I am His person... His daughter... I am called by His name... I will humble myself in prayer.... And I will seek His face... And I will turn from my ways that are contrary to His and   wicked.... And He will hear... He will hear... He hears me... He hears us... He hears the cry of our hearts and as He does He forgives our sin and He heals our land....


He heals our land... That I will say over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again ... We have a place to look to... It isn't Washington, the White House, the Capitol... We have a place to look to...


I look to the mountains from there my help comes from.... My help is from the Lord... Maker of Heaven and earth..


I do not believe in man's wisdom of taking parts of scripture and manipulating it for personal gain BUT I DO believe in a God who called a people who were not a people who had no hope and gave them hope and a people who had not received mercy to receive mercy...


I don't hope... I don't dream... I don't make up... I don't lie... I do have a God who brings healing in His wings ... For one.... For a town... For a city .... For a state.... For a country...


I don't have an agenda ... I love people... I'm sad that people are troubled and weary and heavy laden .... When I know that there can be rest for their souls....  I don't have an agenda... Nor am I timid or afraid ... I am not one who is being destroyed nor am I one who shrinks back ... 


I am one who knows her God and boldly and confidently stands before Him asking my Abba God to heal this land.... Heal this land my dear Father ... Heal this land to the glory of Your beautiful name....

I am one... I am His ... I am called by His name and He hears me... 

Yesterday's manna becomes fly infested today ... am I willing to risk... Am I willing to know God

If I were to be honest... Truly honest I have stayed in a certain place in my walk with the Lord at times because I had grown not so much comfortable but aware... 


Aware of what it was I was living within and how I was  functioning there... Aware as ie playing it safe....  


There are times I get confronted by this truth ....  I loved taking pictures... I loved fooling around with my camera and so I thought about heading into photography with more of an attitude of making it more than just fooling around.


 Then  I encountered how much I really didn't know...  What I learned about myself was that I didn't care enough about photography to devote my time and strength into learning ...


There are times I know that I am in a place with God where I know how to operate.. I know that which I'm doing... I know Him in that place and it's safe... 


But then...... 


There comes upon the landscape of my life a thought... A piece of Him I didn't know before.... A deeper aspect of His character and nature that He reveals and I'm left hungry and wanting....


Him... Our Kingdom these things I now find myself longing to pursue ..... I really want to know Him as He is... Experience Him as He is push into Him ... Become like Him... Abide in Him...


Unlike photography as I encounter aspects of Him that I do not know i attempt to push through and in and up... Towards Him... Not shrinking back but pushing through...


while I can possibly allow emotions to arise such as concern over will I ever understand such and such a specific aspect... I try to posture myself into the understanding that with Him there truly is no limit... 


No limit .. I can know Him as much as I hunger to know Him... As much as of myself I am willing to lose... As much as of myself I'm willing to die to... I can truly know God!!! That is an amazing concept... And I have all eternity to do so


It is hard though at times... He allows me entrance into a place that I find wonderful and I want to stay there... I know how to operate within that place ... I feel strong there... Knowledgable ... Aware... And it is good and life giving and I want to stay


Yet it quickly becomes like yesterday's manna.. And the life it gave begins to turn... And I can hold onto known reputation for being good at something or even self gratification that I can feel comfortable in that arena or I can risk and trust that He truly will lead me from glory to glory and strength to strength... If I go He is faithful to let me know Him... He is faithful to lead.... He is faithful to teach me His  ways.... He is faithful 

I have found an exhaustion with religion and silly corporate games and I am just to tired to care about that anymore....

Ah... the delight that is so utterly apparent in the most magnificent of our Lord's prayers... Their desire that we know oneness as they know oneness and the strength of that joy of that union.....

So exhausted by the games of religion I have found myself just utterly leaping off of places and sharing that which is upon my heart.... if we are to journey together let us leap into joy together.... let us not allow fear to inhibit relationship... let us not play the silly teenage games of who likes who and who likes who better and who likes who enough to take the first steps.....

I have fought an exhaustion and needed the Lord to minister to portions of a closed off heart because of these said games.... and I just don't want to live there any longer... where insecurities and fear and lack pretend to dictate and try to determine the life and times of myself or others....

Pharisees so afraid of grace... so afraid of their position of power being threatened... so afraid of being less than that fear stole from them the moments of walking upon the earth with their Creator.... anger... selfishness. fear... insecurity... doubt blinded them to one of the most amazing and spectacular moments within human history... they were not only walking the face of the earth with the maker of heaven and earth they were upon the same soil....

I just don't want to walk upon that soil in the same way.... I want to walk upon the soils of my life not playing the silly games of religion and listening to who is in relationship with who and who has favor with who and who knows who and blah blah blah blah blah...

I know Him... I know Him intimately... I know Him thoroughly... as thoroughly as He allows and He allows oh so much of Him to be known... still always a mystery but still very much known... and knowable.... I know Him.. I know His ways... I know that He comes to seek and save the lost... to heal and deliver and adore..... to bind up and make whole and to bring His joy and His delight to a dark and weary land in such desperate need of the living waters that flow forth from Him....

So as I go to the parking lots of the stores I shop in and dream what it would look like for the spirit to fall upon that place and I look for the hurting and broken... I wander the shops and the streets and watch and wait and set my heart upon the Father... ever ready to see that which He is doing....

So very beyond the worship services of Sunday or Wednesday or whatever day into every day..... I am who I am.... He is who He is... and the Pharisees and their ways and the games that I have seen played just don't matter anymore .... I have looked into the eyes of those that are perishing and I have learned His compassion and those games they just don't matter any longer.....

I can think of no better words to describe that which I have learned than those of the dear character, Sarah, in the movie Labyrinth....

"Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... You have no power over me. "

I take the Child of Bethlehem over religion and game play any day... and I have fought my way through those paths and labyrinths that man would set up and say had to be played and I have truly been strengthened and have truly come to understand that His kingdom is far far greater than any religious game that any can play and that there is only one that has power over me... and He exercises that power and authority with great and mighty love within that power not manipulation .. control... domination... or fear.....

Oh as it is in Heaven dearest Father... Abba God... as it is where You dwell and are worshiped make it so here... dwell here... be worshiped here... set things to right here.... let the sick be well... let the sorrowful know joy... let the weak know strength... let the poor know hope....

Oh Jesus as you walked the face of the earth come walk it again with us.... breath upon us oh breath of God ... breath of Heaven and grow us up into mature sons and daughters who know Your ways and walk in them.. let us love You and all... and hasten the day towards Your coming....

let the inhabitants of the earth be glad and rejoice for the Lord has heard our cry and knows how desperate our deep deep need for Him is... mercy triumphs and love conquers.... and these are the rules to my Father's house..... mercy triumphs and love conquers... and perfected love knows no fear nor insecurity....

Dearest One of all creation we wait upon You to breath upon us once again.... this is my story ... this is my desire... the song of my life... I know You ...dearest One.. You have made Yourself known and I have only begun to really see that which You can do....