Lies and lack of understanding and false beliefs take their toll.. part 1..

I knew where it was that he stood... and yet I didn't want to look... I wonder oh so very much at what it is they see.... how they see ... They must see both the natural and spiritual world at the same time... always... without interruption... I would think that is how they see...

So I wonder what it was that was being seen... and in so doing he spoke of how I was avoiding the very reason that he was present... and he spoke of how I was afraid to acknowledge him because he had brought good news but that I was shrinking back... I didn't even realize what it was I was doing.. I knew he was in the room but I wasn't looking and I wasn't asking why he was present.. I was just letting him stand there and thinking if I didn't engage either he would or he wouldn't...

Ah and there was the issue... self protection... suring up myself against disappointment... controlling the level of hope I would allow within my heart... metering out capacity and preparing for the fall... poverty mentality slightly.. ok maybe more than slightly... rationing out my capacity to receive hope so that I wouldn't allow my hope to increase beyond a level that when it were to fall I would be shattered.... so allowing myself to only hope so much as to prepare for the fall out...

But what had I placed my hope in? and as my mind raced with all these thoughts.. he just stood there and let out a puff of what felt like exasperation and the whole you have got to be kidding me kind of thing.. but I think that is more my interpretation of the moment .... ok totally more my interpretation of it...

It wasn't like are you done yet... it truly wasn't are you done yet ... it was a desire for me to look and engage.... and then upon the scene there came a presence of Him who I have grown to know and the richness of the moment came.... I couldn't just receive from his messenger... because fear was placing a barricade ... and I was condemning myself in the moment and not walking into that which was being offered... out of fear... which in a huge regard is lack of understanding perfect love...

so what did perfect love do... it came to sit with me and woo my heart towards joy...

What a perfect Father He truly is... and while I thought chastisement was what should be upon me He came just to sit... to sit with me in my moments of uncertainty...

He spoke of how He would not ever harm me.. and I sat there head bowed and heart in my throat and sobs held back and He rolled back a curtain of fog and showed me behind the veil of situations I was walking through... to see them as He saw them and not as I had judged... I had judged so wrongly .. so harshly.. had I portrayed myself within failure.. within lack of understanding my heart had been perishing and He had come to set things right....

As I sat in His presence and as His presence increased I just wept.. I had lived the majority of my life without understanding... without understanding .. without the understanding of the whys things happen .. and in place of lacking understanding I attributed it all to the fact that I was just a bad person and made so full of error and something so completely wrong with me and had placed fault and blame at my own feet ... a ton of weight and a million lies .. all the accusations against myself made by myself of all the inadequacies that laid upon my person.. all the reasons why love was so far from me were my fault and so much lack of understanding had shattered a heart that was made to receive and give love.. .

And so as good things came I sured myself up for the times that they would go... I viewed life through a broken glass lens that didn't clearly make sense and tried to make sense of it all and came up with some very faulty notions...

Perfect love stepped into the room and fear had to leave... and light entered the room to expose the darkness of belief and action ... I had learned to not even expect the crumbs of affection .. to not even ask for them... to receive them as they would come but to prepare for them to go... and yet .. yet there had to be so much more... and I was beginning to learn that there was...

the hows of how to see and hear and know spelled out for all to know.....

Sitting quietly with Him... looking at Him looking at me... leaning so close into Him that there is no space.... I even press in further... I have to... it is my life.... He is my strength.. the air I breathe ... my all in all.... I need Him and I need Him with all that is within me... there is nothing that can substitute... nothing else and nobody else knows me or fills me like He does... there are no plan Bs... He is it... His presence... His being... not the idea of Him.. or the belief of Him... but Him... the person.... Him... In Him I have been found and attached to Him I must live ...

So today... He has begun to prepare me for the online discipleship class that Jim and I do on Tuesday nights... (stirthewater.com calendar... online events 9pm est)
We haven't done so much in the nuts and bolts of how to hear and how to see .. the hows aren't truly as important as all the other questions.... mostly all the rest... know Him... love Him... focus on Him... walk with Him and hold His hand... and let Him hold yours and walk with Him and let Him love you and love Him back... and what does all that look like... love people and love God and all else will flow.... that has been and will always be my focus... our focus

But today... I knew that the Father was changing it up on me a little... withdrawing away with Him... in silence... in quiet... in intimate relationship to places where just He and I walk and there are no others and it is He and I and that is all...

I made a choice not even a month ago to live even more as He would have me live and look to Him and as I see Him doing so I try and do... and it is becoming more and more second nature... moments and days spring up and erupt with other but then placing myself back in the right place facing Him... turned towards Him... looking to Him... I recover... it is as a child who realized that they are in the deep end and can't touch bottom.. that child might freak out a bit but in the moments of being freaked the strongest arms (which were always right there) come right around... it might be days.. it might just be moments but those arms are always there and I won't ever be allowed to drown... now I just need to learn it is ok for my feet not to touch... it is ok to lay there in the water... and float... float in the depths... I am so very safe there.... I just have to remind myself sometimes just how ok it is...

So how does it work in my heart... how does knowing translate into seeing and knowing... how does it work in my life... I'll tell you this though there is a history each time... seriously each time steals my breathe away.. and I wouldn't really want it any other way... it keeps me leaning upon Him and there is no other place to be.... I can't walk where I want to walk ie only doing that which the Father is doing if I don't walk that way.... but so each time I go to pray or say what I see or speak in words that I have heard Him speak ... each time I wonder and each time I risk....

There are times it still starts as the faintest impressions... a decision can and is made to go with it and not turn it away....
to take the risk .. to believe it is Him... the faintest of impressions... pictures. words... it starts mostly every time like that...
It is an invitation into the heart beat of the Father... and that is where the relationship is so foundational... I know He will not ask me out onto a ledge where He isn't... I know that He won't have me walk where He hasn't already been... I trust Him... I love Him and I trust His love for me.... I am aware of His love and affections for me that run so deep that I have no idea the depth ... so long that the length could never be measured... height and width have no comparison.... so why do I step out... because each time regardless of the ministry there I walk with the Father... and I get to hold His hand and have Him hold mine.. and we walk and talk and the over flow of that is what comes out....

I really don't hear anything that anyone else couldn't hear or see... but in listening and seeing I walk with Him and there is no place other I want to walk... no other place I want to be... so I hear.. and I know.. and I see.. because what good Father wouldn't want that for His daughter... I belong to Him... I belong to Him .. I am His... and it is His greatest desire that I would be where He is and that I would walk with Him confident as a daughter... full of joy and full of life and full of confidence...

Much comes to shake that but He is the unshakable tower...and even when I can't place myself with those folds of His garment or under His shadow He moves and acts until I am there..... I belong to Him so of course I am going to see and to hear and to know... because I am His... He has called me His own... and our hearts are ravished... forged together by the blood of His son... the deepest affections flow and the most assured strength exists with Him... of course we are going to see and hear and know... because that is who He is... and who He has made us to be....

As the Leper I return... screaming and shouting THANK YOU.... Thank you... THANK YOU

There are moments that I fall under such gratitude that I just wish to gather all those who are precious to me and with all the thankfulness in my heart pour out back to them the life they have poured into me....

I have always had such a fascination with the leper who went back to Jesus to say thank you ... I think of all the bible characters that exist these days I find myself relating the most to him....

There were many things I never believed I would experience in this life... and yet the Father... yet the Father... His goodness tops the list... His love and His affections poured out upon my life but that I so truly know where I would be....

Gratitude pours forth from me as I write this and I am shaken to the core of all I am as I weep at the goodness of our Father.... my Father... my Father... I say that with such joy and such delight... the fact that the term Father has glorious beauty attached to it... magnificent love beyond any description....

I was writing something last night and at one point I wrote how I had learned that at times the best warfare is rest... and as I did I heard the friend's voice who spoke that to me...

My family... my friends...the communities of believers I walk in and around.... I have to say right this moment a friend texted me and she wrote, "You are soooooo blessed!" And it blew me away... I told her I was writing this and I am even more assured that this piece is not just flowing forth from my own flesh and desire now to appreciate and pour out gratitude... it was just the right encouragement because I wanted to step into this place and very specifically pour forth gratitude but was holding back.... and now .. now I just realize all the more how much the Father has made me for this... and even now as I paused for a moment a dream I had comes flowing back ... I have been made like that one leper to return .. to return and scream forth gratitude!!!

Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice; and he fell on his face at Jesus’ feet, giving him thanks. Now he was a Samaritan

Ah a Samaritan at that... how much more can I relate...

But I do ... I do.. praising God in a loud voice falling at Jesus' feet I return.. I return ... because I have been loved and received and loved and healed and loved and loved more and more and more...

So here it goes... To Renovatus Church.. you restored my heart to believe in corporate gatherings and in a people who could hunger and thirst for authenticity and beauty in community... my heart could spill out paragraphs just to you.. To the Martins who lead with such beauty and wonder and power you both amaze me... to the friends that I have been privileged to get to know.. you all have filled my life with hope and life and joy.. I am so truly very grateful for having walked through your doors almost one year ago... July 11, 2010... will forever be upon my heart .. when the hymn, Be Thou My Vision, played forth and truly the Lord granted to me and my family a most glorious gift....

To Dwelling Place you have given me a place to call home and every time I near your doors and walk onto your land be it on a mountain or in the valley I am loved.. I am loved... when it was landing in Roanoke and being picked up or now a three hour drive north I have a place that is full of all the things a home should be filled with... you fill my life with mercy and grace and I will never ever be the same.... Your individual names and faces are engraved into my heart and I marvel at the remembrance of each of you... Sizemores you have given to me more than I could ever express .. Rick you are truly an incredible teacher of truth full of mercy and grace and freedom

To the Stir The Water and Intrepret My Dream communities... I love dreaming with you and running after God with you... I love walking to the edge and crossing over with you.... I cherish those of you that have walked with us for years and years and years and those that have just met us and I look forward to forming those relationships with you.... your hunger and desire push me forward to know God .. and I am blessed by you and your hunger and your desire... I am so very grateful for each and everyone of you

To those I wouldn't have life without... James and children you are straight from the Father's heart to me and no amount of words or paragraphs or time could ever fully convey my affections... or my gratitude that I get to walk the world with those like you... I am privileged to be called wife and mom...

There are so many I should name individually and as the days and weeks go on I will add to this.... but for now... I must bow down before my Creator and thank Him for creating sisters and brothers who love me so incredibly well... who fill my life with laughter and joy... who have taught me to walk and made sure I knew how to do so.... who believed in me when I couldn't and cherished me beyond what anyone would think was humanly possibly.... you are my sisters and brothers... you are my family... you have done the will of God in my life and I am so changed because you have loved me so so very well..... so dearest ones as we walk remembering movies quotes together or times together... times apart... times of tears and times of triumph.... I remember you and I return to you... screaming and shouting Thank You... Thank You... Thank You....

As tonight's sleep began to unravel the truest rest was about to enter my soul...

It was 11:55pm and yet I was able to go back to sleep... dread that I had fallen asleep too early and now I was going to be up ... then it was 2am... and the same would not be true.... I wasn't able to head back to sleep instead I lay awake and as I did the night got darker and the minutes went by seemingly slower....

All these feelings... all these emotions... all this weight... all these concerns... pounding upon my person... trying to shrug them off... trying to lay there and head back to sleep... knowing sometimes just getting more rest is the most valuable weapon...

but then.... got to love those but then moments.... truth being spoken... days of events being shown up for what they were... weights falling off and a heart able to breath....

backing up a tad to bridge the gap.... I have spent more years then naught.. sadly... condemning myself for being emotional... for being sensitive... reasons exist for all that but that isn't where I think I am going....

In condemning myself for having emotions and feeling things and being sensitive I shut myself down to a place where I existed... barely... more zombie like than anything... vacant gaze peering forth out of my head and just walking around ... barely breathing... barely surviving... longing for escape and living there instead of living.... closing down time after time.. shutting off... either too many emotions full of pain and sorrow or too much self imposed condemnation for truly feeling the reality of the situations I found myself in but feeling helpless to change any of it.... I became brilliant at shutting down... a master of closing off my heart and putting feelings behind walls and into locked away places...

But as anyone who has walked life through different seasons.. walls leak and locked away places beacon for keys...

As tonight's sleep began to unravel the truest rest was about to enter my soul... it is ok .. it is alright .. it is imperative for me to allow myself to feel... it is the very way I was knitted together.. it was the very way I was formed and fashioned...

And then it dawned on me.. it truly was the way I was formed and fashioned and then all the times I was condemned for "being too sensitive" rushed in and how shut off I had lived my life or how continually I perceived myself as bad or weak for being sensitive and having emotions filled my being....

I have had to pause in writing as I have sat here waterfalls of forceful cleansing waters have fallen upon me and carried in their waves were keys unlocking doors and closets and cells that had been where I had placed my truest heart and denied it life....

As truth flowed into my being my head felt lighter and tons of weight began to dissipate ... the conclusion of emotions were bad had come very close to destroying my life and in being liberated through the washing of the word and light of Christ I had found new freedom to soar...

Self hatred and comparison fell off of me and again I breathed freely on a whole other level ... eyes opened and not empty stare out of eye sockets... realization after realization flooded my heart and my mind... places I had laid accusation or accusations had been laid lost their grip and I could hear darkness shrieking as the light of heaven fell upon that darkness burning it away.. and bursting forth as lit up rivers of water glistening and sparkling and full of life...

Ah... and then I was breathing another air and as I landed joy filled every crevice of my being and I knew where I was and I just sat down... a friend had prayed for me for days to be able to sit in this grassy place again and yet entrance to her seemed barred.... but no longer was that so.... sitting there expectations arose that He would be walking through the grasses to my right very soon but I was wrong two dearest ones had walked the journey instead but they had come to get me and He was waiting and while I saw them come I could see where He was and I raised up to meet them and we walked together with immense joy flowing forth from our beings enjoying the music of the silence and the sound of joy... that all might sound strange but in this place silence is alive and vibrant and sound comes in many different waves... life permeates everything and everything is alive...

As we journeyed alongside each other towards Him they took my hands and and even more joy flowed between us ... an understanding that though there be moments now there would be time in the future where moments would not be moments but would be all the more and a new song full of eternal melodies swirled and danced and played around us...

Then even though seemingly miles and a journey still away I could see Him and He was standing beside a table and it was in the presence of my enemies and even while still so seemingly far away He began to speak to me and I could hear His voice as it lit up the sky... and He spoke of life and joy seemed to be the greatest theme within His being and the capacity to be able to contain it was ebbing from us all... and the temptation to enter into great laughter arose and yet there was more... there was more...

He waited for us to close the distance and when entering into His presence and being brought into His side His sweet and gentle and yet firm and declarative words flowed over me as did life and sweet sweet living waters washed away effects of years gone so very wrong and I was safe... I was safe... within His arms and within His embrace I was safe... seeing full well those that had meant harm but standing beside Him I was safe to be all that He created me to be... sensitive... radiating His warmth and His life and His peace... full of emotion not hindered or imprisoned by it but full of the life and liberty of it.... Me.. I was free to be me...

I could feel the time ebbing away but I wanted and desired just to look upon Him face to face... mouthing the words thank you and smiling and seeing His gaze I was once again more aware of my chair and my keyboard... but full and different ... full and different and aware of truly what a glorious nature our Father's Son possesses ... beautiful... amazing..

.... and as I was settling back into where I was His voice lifted the air and upon it He spoke about how ravished His heart is... we have ravished the heart of God... with one look of our eyes towards Him.. His heart is undone.. what an incredible emotional God we serve... full of life and liberty... Amen.. and amen....

I am wrecked and off into another place

Perfect white light erupting in and through and around me as I lay still before Him... 

Soaking in His love and affections and strength and ministry 

Gorgeous white ... Perfect ... Beautiful light acting as waves washing upon my soul saturating every fabric of my being

Breaking up and off any film from the day... Strengthening me as it pours into every pore....

In a bubble or a tube ... Breathing it in.. Feeling it all upon and within my person ....  

The Father sheltering me in His affections... Strengthening me in His love... Showing me how it all can be... Showing me moments of when Jesus withdrew from crowds .. Withdrew from people... Withdrew and drew up and upon...

In oneness there is light and life and I am not just undone ... I am wrecked and off into another place... 

Days of labor bring forth moments stolen away and life is granted as deep intimacy flows

Days fade away
Plugging all of me deliberately into You
Entwined hands 
One heart
Eyes closed
Landing upon most pleasant places 
Laying there 
Winds and gentle breezes
All I am
All I will ever be
Entwined forever 
A deep settledness filters into my being
All else washes away
Until we are one...
 Vine .... 
Branch....  
Hearts beating as one
Beings breathing as one
Rhythm and atmosphere and all swirls and all disappears and all is saturated by a most glorious life flowing love
Affections bursting forth in song and light and color... Magical explosions so vibrant ... So Him..

 

What more do I ever really need to hear?

I feel her soil underneath my feet and upon her wooden trail I walked... The rich cool soil ... It lingering between my toes... It's cool nature refreshing my soul... 

I hadn't remembered ever being here before but then the remembrances of times I had written off as a dream or some sort of fancy flashes before my eyes and my heart was made aware of where I was walking...

Up the trail I walked... Deep dark moist soil my floor and the trees singing their songs and standing so strong and firm surrounding the path on both sides.... All around me forest ... All around me loveliness ....

As I continued up the hill there was an embankment towards my right and before I even looked my heart leapt and a smile formed upon my face and I knew that as my eyes were drawn up that He would be standing there...

He would and was ..... And it was wonderful... I have learned to not just rush in but allow the moments of entrance into His presence to build and grow and allow time to bring forth the moment ... To enjoy and relish in the discovery... Of the place of Him

And He beaconed me to take it all in....and I did.... Most of all Him

Then He sat down and I walked over towards Him and sat down next to Him..

I placed my hand upon His knee and just looked straight ahead... Remembering other times we had sat together... Other times I had felt His hand within mine... His fingers entwined with mine... I looked where our hands met and then I looked up at Him... I thought of times and places we had walked.. How I was known... How I knew Him... 

Just taking it all in.....

Just stunning... I lack for words.. In these times and places with Him all else falls away and the most of who I truly am arises and lives ... Unhindered love flows forth from me and into me and in very much like a child I am held up and held in and held ... Solidly... Permanently held.... 


In the silence more is communicated then one could think possible but within His presence... At Home in His affections I am Complete.... Nothing lacking...

 In these moments there is nothing more full than just sitting with Him and holding His hand and remembering our times together...

And when I think it could get no better He begins to speak and His words wash over me with the flow of living waters so full and strong of life and yet so delicate upon my flesh...

And again within these more recent times He enters into speaking with declarations of His love and how He has loved me with an everlasting love... Hearing over and over again I never weary.. I know in what He speaks there is purpose and hearing Him say these things each time penetrates deeper and trust blooms in places where it has lacked...

He has loved me with an everlasting love ... Not earned or awarded but graciously given and poured out because of who He is.... What more do I ever really need to hear...