Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought.... Part Two
I remember the night I sat in a dorm room in a university in a city in a state in what seems like another life time ago.... and as I sat I listened... I listened to her. I had asked what I thought was a simple enough question and yet the answer that kept spilling out of her was nothing simple......
Hands had touched her very soul and scattered the pieces to the winds.... it was as if my question uncorked a bottle within her and all that she had ever wanted to say kept flowing out of her as if she were incapable of stopping now that she had begun.... I heard her voice and yet it seemed as if it was from some far off place ... and I saw her eyes yet they looked like they were all together seeing something so different then the room we were in.... and in this place that brought forth the yesterdays into the todays I found my role as the listener and the listener I was.........
When she was done she was quiet for the longest of times and we sat there and sat there and sat there.... She closed her eyes as she sat and her body shook and I longed to hold her as she appeared to me to be nothing more than a trapped caged animal..... So small... so frail... I wondered if the wind would bring back all the pieces .. I wondered if the cage would ever open... I wondered if the animal would ever walk as a human.....
Those moments that she shared with me will forever be branded upon me and I will remember her story for all the days of my life..... and yet I wonder who she is.. if she still lives.... if the wind brought back all the pieces.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Wind would bring back all the pieces..... seasons would come and seasons would go but the intentions that God always had for my life would see their day............ But not before many other hurtful days would live their hours upon the clock of my life....
It is so beyond the scope of the imagination all that transpired. To think upon it now even has me think it is too fantastical to have been real life. But real life it was. Who was I even that I could have done what I did and yet it is a chapter in my life.....
The night was dark. The cold February wind pushed against me as I walked through the field. From where I had parked the car I could see a church off in the distance. Was that the answer? I found myself wondering through Lancaster, PA on my way to a new life. My mind was both blank and racing with a million thoughts. So much had transpired within the last 24 hours.
"You have lied to us all." My mom had said as she had come to pick me up from college. (My second attempt at a higher education) "We are going to get to the bottom of this. On Monday morning we are all going to meet and discuss all that has happened." All I could think was that there was nothing in me that could face that and I began to think of taking my life.
Again I had gotten myself into a situation too massive for me to walk through. I had lied to everyone about everything.... Made up tons of stories. Not even really knowing why. Was it that I thought I had to create a different life then mine so that people would be in it? Was it that my mind was so broken and incapable of living a "real" life? I didn't know at that moment. All I knew was that there was no way in hell that I was going to be around for that meeting on Monday. So suicide was the ultimate way I knew to guarantee myself of that fact. Other failed attempts flashed through my mind.
I remembered being thirteen and thinking I was pregnant. Terrified. For the "father" wasn't a boyfriend. Wasn't a friend. Wasn't somebody that sex should have ever happened with. But had filled my life from very early childhood and had left it's markers upon my soul..... How could I ever explain to my parents? I felt like I had ruined everyone's lives. In a dark room I sat on my floor and cried. My grandmother had walked in and questioned me on what was going on. The only words I could get out was that mom was the best mom and I didn't want to hurt her. Terrified I would ruin my family.... So funny how perspective changes as I look back. Those words were out of my mouth. There was no comfort. No turning on the lights and addressing what I just had said. So typical. Isolation and loneliness had befriended me early and were my best friends. The least of my enemies.
I sat there. Thinking there was no way to face the possibility. The next day I swallowed a full bottle of pills. Had attempted to go out with my mom however the ill effects of taking so much started in and I began to get sick. We turned around and I was dropped off at the house. I went to lay down on my mother's bed. Thinking that was the most appropriate place to be found dead. The phone rang. It was an aunt who lived right around the corner. Answering the phone I explained that my mom was out and that I wasn't feeling well. The level of concern in her voice was foreign to me. I wonder to this day if something had hit her in her gut and she knew. She told me to take it easy and that she would call periodically to check in on me. I would feel myself slipping away and each time the phone would ring. It was her. Checking on me. I felt so ill. So sick. My body racked with pain. And yet her voice would woo me back from oblivion. I didn't die that day nor was I pregnant and forward through my life I traveled.
How reckless I had been so many times hoping for the end to come. And yet it didn't. This time had to be different. But could I do it? Fully go through with ending it all. And yet the prospect of going back to life on Monday felt completely unattainable.
A whisper floated through the air. Caught my ear and my attention.
Run away.
My life had never made sense to me. I had always felt out of place. Between the things people don't ever speak about that happen in so many lives and just never feeling like I ever measured up I felt lost and out of place. Something simpler. My life seemed so complicated. Granted most of that was of my making. (Well, I need to own my part anyway)
Instead of just lying about my life I was going to enter into one of my lies and play it out. ( Not that I thought that consciously back then but that is what happened) There was no thought of consequence. No thought of repercussions . Actually I thought that everyone's lives would be better if I disappeared. Disappeared for good. So I began to think it through. I can't honestly say think is the right word. That would imply sanity. Or maybe it doesn't. (That is why this part of my life is so crazy to have to write -- because looking back it all seems so insane but then .. back then ... who I was... it was survival)
I would take the car. Where did I want to go? Now please get a good laugh at this... not as an offense to these people but more as a "really," "really." I wanted to join the Amish. Their lives seemed to make the most sense to me. I wouldn't just run away from me, my life, my family.... I would run away from the world. The world as I knew it. And so that is what I did..........................................
I headed towards the church. Across a six lane highway and into a field. Focused on the white cross that was lit up by the moon. ( I had thrown away my keys, my wallet, my license.... anything that could identify me.) Towards the church I walked. I had this feeling deep inside that knowing the next day was Sunday people would come.... people would come and it would all be ok. What? I had no clue. Nor would I find out. For as I sat huddled against the wall and the concrete steps I could not manage the cold February evening. I had to get up. I began walking again. Dazed.
"What is that?" A man's voice came as the car door was opened. I had found my way onto a dirt road. A minute or so earlier I had heard a car coming. Here was my one opportunity, I could see, to get out of the cold. I had pretended to fall. The car had stopped. A man had gotten out. Started asking me questions. Was I ok? Who was I? I stared at him. Blank. No words. Nothing. I was so far gone. He and a friend of his got me into the car. I just sat there as they discussed which hospital to take me to. Having come to a decision the driver then spoke to the guy in the passenger seat, "When we get there." He said. "You stay with her...... because if you don't." Pointing back to the guy sitting next to me. "He'll hurt her." I couldn't even think at that point. So drained from all that had transpired. So dazed. But to the hospital they took me.
At one point orderlies came out and brought me into the waiting area. I sat there. Mouth shut. I did know who I was.... well, I knew who I didn't want to be.... but had no idea how I was going to navigate through all that I was faced with.
As I pushed back my life..... as I mentally walked away from everything. (As I had so often done before .. this time on a whole other level) I found a voice. And another story/lie came forth. I pretended to have been raised in the environment that I wanted to head to.... I pretended to have never known the outside modern world or anything about it. I went from the waiting room to the emergency room. Was laid down on a gurney. Examined. Who was this mystery in front of them? What had happened to me? Who was I? Where was I from? Before I knew it there were police questioning me about all sorts of things. Asking me if I was this person or that person. What was my name? Who was I? Where was I from? A nurse was standing over me. On her collar was a pin with a yellow ribbon. It was during the time of the first Persian Gulf War. I told her that it was pretty. She pointed to it and said, "oh this. It is to support the war." Words tumbled out of my mouth as I played the part I imagined. "War. What is war?"
I was being admitted as a "Jane Doe." Right before I was to be moved to a room. A request formed on my lips. "May I see a priest?" Was the question. So weird. But what about this whole thing isn't? Weird? Why? One might ask. Well, the only exposure to anything other than Judaism that I had had was through Little House on the Prairie. But yet out of my mouth it came. The night wasn't over before a man walked into the room. Kindness written all over his face. Gentleness surrounding him. He walked slowly to the bed. Pulled up a chair and sat down. I don't remember anything he said. Yet I picture him perfectly. He sat there a while and before leaving he handed me a wooden cross and a bible, prayed for me and left.
At some point I fell asleep.
The following days were filled with questions and medical testing and my life within the walls of that hospital room felt the safest I had ever experienced...... But as times would have it the events would play out very differently than I hoped for..... when all the medical tests that could be done were exhausted and questions abundantly filled the air I was moved for the medical side of the hospital to the psychiatric side of the hospital and my parents, my past, my life were found
... found through a set of circumstances that unraveled right before my eyes... I tried to continue away from all that had come crashing in... I pretended to tell a room full of professionals that those people that they had found were not my parents and that my parents had in fact died...... but proof was proof and now there was no room to navigate......
Trapped and left alone as my parents were sent home to NJ for a few days (They were told to return while I would stay at the hospital in PA).... so many questions lingered in the air as to what the story behind this mystery was however I was no longer interested in playing any part and I continued to vanish......................... inwardly I journeyed......
To look back upon a moment... the darkest of days that swirled and the winds that roared upon that time.......... fill those memories and yet the most incredible of journeys I was about to embark upon..... glazed over eyes would become filled with life and a heart that had truly never learned to live would step into a life unimaginable.....
I had attempted to run away not just from my life but from the world.... and in so doing ended up in a place where I was to encounter a life I had never even thought possible...... the beginnings of which were about to begin.....
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Part 3
Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought ......... Part Three
All had fallen apart.... my mind so blank as I sat in a corner in the back hallway of the psychiatric ward............ curled up into a ball just looking out the window... links to my life were coming back tomorrow and there was nothing I could do about it.... there was nothing I could do to escape my body... my life....
The day turned into evening and to another window I would go towards.... I was in my room ... staring out the barred window and looking out onto the street below me I saw the pavement wet from a current rain fall.... the street lamp lighting up the night and illuminating the misty atmosphere............
I don't know what was in my heart at that moment that would cause me to start speaking forth words towards an unknown deity.... but words started to spill out of my mouth..... I began to ask if He was real... I began to say that if He was and if He would come to me than I would give Him everything .... I would give Him my life...... If He would just come to me.... The words weren't out of my mouth when a light and a presence entered that room and surrounded me with a strength and a warmth and a reality so full of beauty and wonder ..... In that moment I knew five things..... I knew there was a God... I knew it had to do about Jesus Christ... I knew it had to do with the bible ... the cross... and that He was going to lead me somewhere that was going to teach me more about all that was happening around me.......
I had met the one who had knit me together in my mother's womb.. I had met the one who had known me before the foundations of the world.... I had met the one who sang over me... who loved me more than words could ever think to describe.... who thousands of years before had loved me and for the joy that was set before Him endured death upon a cross so that that moment could happen.... I had met Jesus and from that moment forward though there would be rough terrains to still walk upon I had grabbed a hold of one who had pursued me relentlessly all the days of my life and we began to walk together.......
All had fallen apart.... my mind so blank as I sat in a corner in the back hallway of the psychiatric ward............ curled up into a ball just looking out the window... links to my life were coming back tomorrow and there was nothing I could do about it.... there was nothing I could do to escape my body... my life....
The day turned into evening and to another window I would go towards.... I was in my room ... staring out the barred window and looking out onto the street below me I saw the pavement wet from a current rain fall.... the street lamp lighting up the night and illuminating the misty atmosphere............
I don't know what was in my heart at that moment that would cause me to start speaking forth words towards an unknown deity.... but words started to spill out of my mouth..... I began to ask if He was real... I began to say that if He was and if He would come to me than I would give Him everything .... I would give Him my life...... If He would just come to me.... The words weren't out of my mouth when a light and a presence entered that room and surrounded me with a strength and a warmth and a reality so full of beauty and wonder ..... In that moment I knew five things..... I knew there was a God... I knew it had to do about Jesus Christ... I knew it had to do with the bible ... the cross... and that He was going to lead me somewhere that was going to teach me more about all that was happening around me.......
I had met the one who had knit me together in my mother's womb.. I had met the one who had known me before the foundations of the world.... I had met the one who sang over me... who loved me more than words could ever think to describe.... who thousands of years before had loved me and for the joy that was set before Him endured death upon a cross so that that moment could happen.... I had met Jesus and from that moment forward though there would be rough terrains to still walk upon I had grabbed a hold of one who had pursued me relentlessly all the days of my life and we began to walk together.......
Part 4
Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought..... Part Four
While there are many stories that could be told that bridge those moments to the ones I walk in now ..... It isn't just the stories of my life's journey that are stirring within me....This story of The Hundred Days is that which is upon my heart and hold within me a hunger and desire to share with you.... my life was as Ezekiel's dry bones.... there were many who would say that these bones of mine, that were my life, would not ever live again.... but amidst those voices there was One who was determined that they would and He was breathing His life into them.....
He was breathing hope... victory... love... life..... He who that night began a good work within me would continue to carry it on unto these days and beyond......
The days that I have journeyed from that time until this have been full of life.... marriage... children... ministry.... the roads I have walked upon from that time until this one have been full of times of sorrow... times of victory... times of healing... times of defeat... times of victory... times of growth... times of love.... there have been many seasons through which He has courted me and pursued me and journeyed alongside of me .... seasons where He has taught me ... ministered to me... flowed through me.... seasons that were dry like the desert... seasons that were full of favor .... seasons that were full of the darkest of nights.......... through all the seasons He has been the constant.... The strength when I was weak.... the light in the darkness.... the hope ... the joy...
While there are many stories that could be told that bridge those moments to the ones I walk in now ..... It isn't just the stories of my life's journey that are stirring within me....This story of The Hundred Days is that which is upon my heart and hold within me a hunger and desire to share with you.... my life was as Ezekiel's dry bones.... there were many who would say that these bones of mine, that were my life, would not ever live again.... but amidst those voices there was One who was determined that they would and He was breathing His life into them.....
He was breathing hope... victory... love... life..... He who that night began a good work within me would continue to carry it on unto these days and beyond......
The days that I have journeyed from that time until this have been full of life.... marriage... children... ministry.... the roads I have walked upon from that time until this one have been full of times of sorrow... times of victory... times of healing... times of defeat... times of victory... times of growth... times of love.... there have been many seasons through which He has courted me and pursued me and journeyed alongside of me .... seasons where He has taught me ... ministered to me... flowed through me.... seasons that were dry like the desert... seasons that were full of favor .... seasons that were full of the darkest of nights.......... through all the seasons He has been the constant.... The strength when I was weak.... the light in the darkness.... the hope ... the joy...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Turned Myself In
So interesting the things that dreams stir up.......
So I awoke from a dream where I was turning myself into the authorities and being taken away to jail....
Uhm.... Mims that doesn't sound good ... Oh on the contrary ....
Taking the dream apart .... To be arrested... Well I like two definitions of that word.... First one states ... Seize, capture... To be taken into custody by authority or law.....
Secondly...... To arrest attention, to catch suddenly and engagingly ....
I willingly place myself into the state if being arrested.... I want all that I am to be taken captive by the Lord's authority.... I want Him to possess my attention and my affections ....
The state of being arrested..... Equals confined rights.... Confined actions.... Limited choice.... I choose that..... I choose Him and His ways.....
Authority.... I value godly authority in my life and I value God's authority in my life....
He created me.... Does the pot say to the potter mold me and shape me this way or that ... No! It sits on the wheel and allows the pressure of the potter's fingers to create the piece of work that is in the heart and mind of the maker ....
So I've turned my life in ..... This life is not my own to keep... I place myself under the authority of He who is my Lord and King....... Father..... Creator .... I wouldn't have life outside of Him.... I don't want life outside of Him...
I submit to His rule and reign... To the confinement of living in His house......
There are other things the dream says but the primary lesson for the heart is
... We are going to serve something in this life... Whether it be our own interests or the interests of the world or the interests of man or the interests of God .....
He may arrest me and my affections any time... I choose Him... I want my affections subject to His authority.... His rule and reign in my life is that which I seek and hunger after.....
So I awoke from a dream where I was turning myself into the authorities and being taken away to jail....
Uhm.... Mims that doesn't sound good ... Oh on the contrary ....
Taking the dream apart .... To be arrested... Well I like two definitions of that word.... First one states ... Seize, capture... To be taken into custody by authority or law.....
Secondly...... To arrest attention, to catch suddenly and engagingly ....
I willingly place myself into the state if being arrested.... I want all that I am to be taken captive by the Lord's authority.... I want Him to possess my attention and my affections ....
The state of being arrested..... Equals confined rights.... Confined actions.... Limited choice.... I choose that..... I choose Him and His ways.....
Authority.... I value godly authority in my life and I value God's authority in my life....
He created me.... Does the pot say to the potter mold me and shape me this way or that ... No! It sits on the wheel and allows the pressure of the potter's fingers to create the piece of work that is in the heart and mind of the maker ....
So I've turned my life in ..... This life is not my own to keep... I place myself under the authority of He who is my Lord and King....... Father..... Creator .... I wouldn't have life outside of Him.... I don't want life outside of Him...
I submit to His rule and reign... To the confinement of living in His house......
There are other things the dream says but the primary lesson for the heart is
... We are going to serve something in this life... Whether it be our own interests or the interests of the world or the interests of man or the interests of God .....
He may arrest me and my affections any time... I choose Him... I want my affections subject to His authority.... His rule and reign in my life is that which I seek and hunger after.....
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Steel Plate in The Skies..... Versus The Love of God... No Match ... No Match
I had already seen it unroll... It was already before me... above me.. in place ... when I felt the Father's presence gently touch my skin and as if there was a hand to be placed upon my shoulder it was there....
What do you see?
A hard solid piece of steel being stretched across the heavens and being placed between You and I. Between You and the Earth......
As another question came forth I sat there and looked at it for I knew instinctively what it was there for and even with that knowing the question came...
What does it mean?
I understood what He was wanting me to speak... I understood where He was leading me and I began to answer.. "I won't feel You. I won't be able to touch You. I won't be able to tangibly feel the might of Your presence. The softness of Your whisper across my cheek won't be upon me. I won't see that glorious gaze of Yours..... That there are times coming that You will remove Your presence.... "
The words weren't out of my mouth when standing in front of me looking at me straight within my eyes He asked ...
What do you know ?
And without hesitation my answer tumbled out of my mouth..."I know Your goodness.... to the core of all I am ... I know Your love..... I know Your strength and I know Your might and I trust Your nature that You have revealed throughout the ages.... I know that though Your presence be removed You stay the same..... I know that though You might not speak it directly to me this day.. tomorrow... next week... a month... or even longer I know You love me... And I will be love sick for you and long for the day that once again You speak but I will not doubt Your affections... I know that in times to come things will happen in my life and in the lives of those I love... I know that in the times to come things will happen upon the Earth that might cause a multitude to wonder who You are as well as question Your goodness....
I know that though the Earth may tremble and a thousand may fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand Your goodness will reign for all eternity.... I know that I know that I know Your love and that You never change... You are not a man that You should lie and I will rest in that knowledge though that steel plate reside in the Heavens... even if the Heavens are shut up I will not succumb to doubt (oh please God... let this not be like Peter's declaration... please give the grace to stand... please let me be more like those who followed You to the cross and stood there at Your feet) because You have loved me so very well... Your love has revolutionized my life... and You have branded me with it and forever left me changed.............."
Then as if we stood side by side looking up at that gigantic steel plate in the sky He asked what I thought was His last question.....
Why do I do this?
He had already supplied the answer as He asked the question but yet wanted for me to utter the words back to Him......
You do this to bring Your assurance and to show my heart that it really does know what it knows... that Your love isn't about a momentary experience or feeling or sensation .... Your love is that which has stood solid for all eternity and will continue to do so... Your goodness goes before You and even when it comes in judgment and discipline it is because of Your goodness and nothing less.....
You have wooed me in this season... You have wooed me to know that through whatever comes Your love stands impenetrable... that nothing not even a steel plate placed in the atmosphere above me would ever separate me from Your love..... that there is actually nothing that exists that would or could ever separate me from Your love.... I know this... I know this as if my life depended on it...
What else am I showing You? Why have I showed you this plate?
To know that there are times coming when it be as though the Heavens were sealed with a steal grate..... but to take these times and learn what it means to abide in You... to not look towards the experience of You as the calibration of our relationship but to acknowledge that the truth of our love affair has it's foundations in something so much more solid........
That there is a time and a season to walk into where the grace to be washed by Your love and changed by Your passions is here ... a season where there is an opening to know You and to be known by You and to relish and be changed by Your love....
You are pouring out Your love as liken to Niagara Falls and I am to be washed in that powerful, awesome love... rendered washed ... that the waters of Your love would so fashion me that all else would be washed away...................... Your love is teaching me to stand... having done all I am empowered to stand through Your outpouring of Your magnificent, phenomenal passions for me..........
What do you see?
A hard solid piece of steel being stretched across the heavens and being placed between You and I. Between You and the Earth......
As another question came forth I sat there and looked at it for I knew instinctively what it was there for and even with that knowing the question came...
What does it mean?
I understood what He was wanting me to speak... I understood where He was leading me and I began to answer.. "I won't feel You. I won't be able to touch You. I won't be able to tangibly feel the might of Your presence. The softness of Your whisper across my cheek won't be upon me. I won't see that glorious gaze of Yours..... That there are times coming that You will remove Your presence.... "
The words weren't out of my mouth when standing in front of me looking at me straight within my eyes He asked ...
What do you know ?
And without hesitation my answer tumbled out of my mouth..."I know Your goodness.... to the core of all I am ... I know Your love..... I know Your strength and I know Your might and I trust Your nature that You have revealed throughout the ages.... I know that though Your presence be removed You stay the same..... I know that though You might not speak it directly to me this day.. tomorrow... next week... a month... or even longer I know You love me... And I will be love sick for you and long for the day that once again You speak but I will not doubt Your affections... I know that in times to come things will happen in my life and in the lives of those I love... I know that in the times to come things will happen upon the Earth that might cause a multitude to wonder who You are as well as question Your goodness....
I know that though the Earth may tremble and a thousand may fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand Your goodness will reign for all eternity.... I know that I know that I know Your love and that You never change... You are not a man that You should lie and I will rest in that knowledge though that steel plate reside in the Heavens... even if the Heavens are shut up I will not succumb to doubt (oh please God... let this not be like Peter's declaration... please give the grace to stand... please let me be more like those who followed You to the cross and stood there at Your feet) because You have loved me so very well... Your love has revolutionized my life... and You have branded me with it and forever left me changed.............."
Then as if we stood side by side looking up at that gigantic steel plate in the sky He asked what I thought was His last question.....
Why do I do this?
He had already supplied the answer as He asked the question but yet wanted for me to utter the words back to Him......
You do this to bring Your assurance and to show my heart that it really does know what it knows... that Your love isn't about a momentary experience or feeling or sensation .... Your love is that which has stood solid for all eternity and will continue to do so... Your goodness goes before You and even when it comes in judgment and discipline it is because of Your goodness and nothing less.....
You have wooed me in this season... You have wooed me to know that through whatever comes Your love stands impenetrable... that nothing not even a steel plate placed in the atmosphere above me would ever separate me from Your love..... that there is actually nothing that exists that would or could ever separate me from Your love.... I know this... I know this as if my life depended on it...
What else am I showing You? Why have I showed you this plate?
To know that there are times coming when it be as though the Heavens were sealed with a steal grate..... but to take these times and learn what it means to abide in You... to not look towards the experience of You as the calibration of our relationship but to acknowledge that the truth of our love affair has it's foundations in something so much more solid........
That there is a time and a season to walk into where the grace to be washed by Your love and changed by Your passions is here ... a season where there is an opening to know You and to be known by You and to relish and be changed by Your love....
You are pouring out Your love as liken to Niagara Falls and I am to be washed in that powerful, awesome love... rendered washed ... that the waters of Your love would so fashion me that all else would be washed away...................... Your love is teaching me to stand... having done all I am empowered to stand through Your outpouring of Your magnificent, phenomenal passions for me..........
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Wow... who would of thought saying " He is simply a jerk" would change as much as it did
"Really? Really" I was furious.... furious... maybe that doesn't even describe it... tears streamed down my face as I started screaming ... oh my poor friend...
I was in a prison of my own making .... well.. of my own making because I own my choices... no matter what happens in life... truly.. no matter what happens ... our choices are our own... and I had made a series of very bad choices and my heart was quite hard... full of bitterness.. anger.. disillusionment... frustration.. pain... I had closed off avenues of grace and was drowning but didn't even fully realize it....
So my friend had started to ask questions... and vile was just pouring forth out of my mouth... truly I do not lie.... I wasn't checking anything I was saying ... I wasn't restricting myself... I was tired... done... exhausted of putting up any front.... and out of my heart my mouth spoke... doubts about God.. anger towards God... realizing I had walked to far to deny Him... understanding I knew too much to even contemplate whether He was really who He is.... but so full of hurt... too many dreams bashed against rocks ... too many hopes deferred.... my heart was really very sick
So to one of my friend's questions I had answered... "He is simply just a jerk.." speaking of the one who he had asked me about... no it wasn't Jim.... those were other conversations ... that prompted my dear friend to contact another mutual friend who would show up at our house with the cavalry not to long after... :)
I thought I was being generous in my assessment ... I thought I was being kind and good with my words... well, I thought many things... but all of them were wrong....
So out of my mouth the words came... "He is simply just a jerk.." what my poor friend didn't know was that the second those words were out of my mouth the Lord brought to bear a conviction so sudden and so strong that not just the shock of it but the force of it opened my heart and out of it spilled the poison that was killing me.....
Tears started to run down my face as I started to scream at the top of my lungs towards the heavens... "Really... Really... You're going to convict me for simply saying he was a jerk when between You and I ... You know... You know... You know all that happened... You know everything and You're going to convict me.... " Fury... absolute fury... pain... heartache... anger.... rage... tears... it all came
He was right to convict me.... not that I would have seen it in those moments or even beyond them but I do..... I was so wrong.... and He used a moment to expose and break open the rock hard state of my heart..... the poison of unforgiveness and judgment had brought me to a very dangerous path and my heart was dying and yet I was living a veneer ... I was barely breathing ... I was drowning but I was walking proudly forward instead of surrendering and humbling myself and admitting that I needed help... so willing to sit in my assessment of right and wrong...
If I were to pinpoint a most pivotal moment of time it would be that moment.... that moment started a series of events that has led me to sit where I do today..... it brought in repentance and it brought in the cavalry of sorts.... dearest friends rallied around that man's phone call (that I think he made shortly after that car ride) and entered into our life.... and if I look back upon that day in that car to this day sitting at my computer... I stand in awe of all that the Lord has done.....
This was maybe one of the first steps towards the life I live now.... letting go of religion.. even though I wouldn't have said I was religious.. I was operating out of a performance mentality... WHICH by the way only leads to death... one can't perform enough... etc etc etc.. totally another subject... but we will leave it at that....
I left what I thought was the "right" way to walk with God and leapt into the unknown.... left identity in gifting behind.... that is one of the weights that lays on the road somewhere behind me.... left the burden of caring what others would think..... weight after weight fell off as I journeyed forward from that moment to this one....
my life isn't without its complications... the days aren't without their problems... but I am different... He took a heart dangerously close to becoming a stone and made it mush ... and I am glad.... I'll live like a mush any day..... I'm not afraid of being wrong or of making mistakes... I'm not afraid of what I'll look like or all the what ifs that come .... If any concern would reside it would be that I don't ever allow circumstances or situations to bring about a heart of stone within me ever again.....
Life abundant truly comes when we adhere to that which He asks of us.... my favorite passage right now that so fundamentally and basically sums it up... would be found within Colossians 3... I'm stuck there people... simply not a bad place to be stuck....
Here it is again... from the version found in the Message
Colossians 3 (The Message)
Colossians 3
He Is Your Life
1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
I was in a prison of my own making .... well.. of my own making because I own my choices... no matter what happens in life... truly.. no matter what happens ... our choices are our own... and I had made a series of very bad choices and my heart was quite hard... full of bitterness.. anger.. disillusionment... frustration.. pain... I had closed off avenues of grace and was drowning but didn't even fully realize it....
So my friend had started to ask questions... and vile was just pouring forth out of my mouth... truly I do not lie.... I wasn't checking anything I was saying ... I wasn't restricting myself... I was tired... done... exhausted of putting up any front.... and out of my heart my mouth spoke... doubts about God.. anger towards God... realizing I had walked to far to deny Him... understanding I knew too much to even contemplate whether He was really who He is.... but so full of hurt... too many dreams bashed against rocks ... too many hopes deferred.... my heart was really very sick
So to one of my friend's questions I had answered... "He is simply just a jerk.." speaking of the one who he had asked me about... no it wasn't Jim.... those were other conversations ... that prompted my dear friend to contact another mutual friend who would show up at our house with the cavalry not to long after... :)
I thought I was being generous in my assessment ... I thought I was being kind and good with my words... well, I thought many things... but all of them were wrong....
So out of my mouth the words came... "He is simply just a jerk.." what my poor friend didn't know was that the second those words were out of my mouth the Lord brought to bear a conviction so sudden and so strong that not just the shock of it but the force of it opened my heart and out of it spilled the poison that was killing me.....
Tears started to run down my face as I started to scream at the top of my lungs towards the heavens... "Really... Really... You're going to convict me for simply saying he was a jerk when between You and I ... You know... You know... You know all that happened... You know everything and You're going to convict me.... " Fury... absolute fury... pain... heartache... anger.... rage... tears... it all came
He was right to convict me.... not that I would have seen it in those moments or even beyond them but I do..... I was so wrong.... and He used a moment to expose and break open the rock hard state of my heart..... the poison of unforgiveness and judgment had brought me to a very dangerous path and my heart was dying and yet I was living a veneer ... I was barely breathing ... I was drowning but I was walking proudly forward instead of surrendering and humbling myself and admitting that I needed help... so willing to sit in my assessment of right and wrong...
If I were to pinpoint a most pivotal moment of time it would be that moment.... that moment started a series of events that has led me to sit where I do today..... it brought in repentance and it brought in the cavalry of sorts.... dearest friends rallied around that man's phone call (that I think he made shortly after that car ride) and entered into our life.... and if I look back upon that day in that car to this day sitting at my computer... I stand in awe of all that the Lord has done.....
This was maybe one of the first steps towards the life I live now.... letting go of religion.. even though I wouldn't have said I was religious.. I was operating out of a performance mentality... WHICH by the way only leads to death... one can't perform enough... etc etc etc.. totally another subject... but we will leave it at that....
I left what I thought was the "right" way to walk with God and leapt into the unknown.... left identity in gifting behind.... that is one of the weights that lays on the road somewhere behind me.... left the burden of caring what others would think..... weight after weight fell off as I journeyed forward from that moment to this one....
my life isn't without its complications... the days aren't without their problems... but I am different... He took a heart dangerously close to becoming a stone and made it mush ... and I am glad.... I'll live like a mush any day..... I'm not afraid of being wrong or of making mistakes... I'm not afraid of what I'll look like or all the what ifs that come .... If any concern would reside it would be that I don't ever allow circumstances or situations to bring about a heart of stone within me ever again.....
Life abundant truly comes when we adhere to that which He asks of us.... my favorite passage right now that so fundamentally and basically sums it up... would be found within Colossians 3... I'm stuck there people... simply not a bad place to be stuck....
Here it is again... from the version found in the Message
Colossians 3 (The Message)
Colossians 3
He Is Your Life
1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
loved and led..................
It is intimacy with God that brings forth a holiness not born out of religion but out of a bond so strong that it does not see the "no" but rejoices in the identifying with that which He is.... It is this intimacy that will bring eyes fixed upon Him ... that will birth hearts that adore Him.... minds transformed by Him.... a will so filled with courage that the choices made are fixed upon that which He would will... it is not a burden or a task to be done but rather one to be.... to exist...
To acknowledge what a treasure we are that that which we aren't we couldn't even touch... we wouldn't want to... that we would see that which is contrary to our new nature recognize it as foreign and death and not hunger to touch it.....
I don't know how to tell you how I got here specifically because it wasn't a statement of highly effective habits or any five or ten year plan..... if I were to say anything I fostered hunger.... that can't settle for anything but that which is truly real..... I wanted to know how one could know Him and as deeply as one could know and love Him I wanted to discover.......
I wanted to look through the mist of enticements and reach out to find the most authentic aspect of that which He was and so become that which He hungers for me to be.... and that has become the driving force that I will not release or let go of..... because as I have journeyed I have only found more and more joy...
the road seemingly becomes narrower but in my delight it doesn't matter... for even a path that only allows me to place one foot in front of the other and not stand with two feet side by side is that which I hunger for if it brings me further into the reality of all that He is.... I don't feel burdened by religious notions or by any formula of spiritual discipline I feel loved and led.... and that is all I need.........
To acknowledge what a treasure we are that that which we aren't we couldn't even touch... we wouldn't want to... that we would see that which is contrary to our new nature recognize it as foreign and death and not hunger to touch it.....
I don't know how to tell you how I got here specifically because it wasn't a statement of highly effective habits or any five or ten year plan..... if I were to say anything I fostered hunger.... that can't settle for anything but that which is truly real..... I wanted to know how one could know Him and as deeply as one could know and love Him I wanted to discover.......
I wanted to look through the mist of enticements and reach out to find the most authentic aspect of that which He was and so become that which He hungers for me to be.... and that has become the driving force that I will not release or let go of..... because as I have journeyed I have only found more and more joy...
the road seemingly becomes narrower but in my delight it doesn't matter... for even a path that only allows me to place one foot in front of the other and not stand with two feet side by side is that which I hunger for if it brings me further into the reality of all that He is.... I don't feel burdened by religious notions or by any formula of spiritual discipline I feel loved and led.... and that is all I need.........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)