Out from the Wilderness comes a Daughter

I am one who feels stronger when I am around people. A true extreme extrovert I gain energy and momentum when I am with others…. (funny side note as much as I am an extrovert I married a crazy extreme introvert… it has been an interesting journey walking our lives out.. maybe more about that in another post) Talking through anything and everything I am provoked towards ideas and their expression in ways that had not come without those moments of fellowship. And yet this past season has drawn me more into the terrain of wilderness and longing and loneliness.

But what is said about the wilderness is so true. As tears stream quietly and gently down my face I recognize the power of the wilderness and how it’s land has changed me. As was written in Hosea I was wooed into the wilderness where He spoke tenderly and with compassion to me…. He has given me doorways of hope and removed from me false gods. And He has fashioned me into one like the Shulamite from Song of Solomon coming up out of the wilderness leaning upon the object of my affection……

Still an extrovert in heart and soul but eyes open to the truth that the strongest source of any energy dwells with me constantly and I can firmly and always find refuge within His being. As I continue to journey the aftermath of my 100 days I find myself walking on new landscapes of His heart …. Within the unforced rhythms of grace I am finding my way into being a daughter and having a Father….. And it is good…..

Away From the Clanging Gong

There have been many things upon my heart these last few days and weeks. My experiment of learning love continues to be the bearer of unexpected fruit…..
I come to writing this blog entry tonight with my heart in my throat and emotion in my heart…
Clanging cymbals… nothing…… unknown…. Confession… Repentance… Sorrow… Change… Lack of Knowledge…. Worldly thoughts…..

I am finding that it is much harder to write this than I had anticipated. Not so much that I mind confession or repentance but I desire truth in the inner most parts of my being and some of these realizations have really shook me to the core of my being.
I have seen how much I lacked love. How much of a clanging gong I have been. I have taken the easier road at times because it benefitted me and did not say the harder things because of fear of man. I have enjoyed favor with man over the favor of God and responded to title and privilege and glory in many wrong ways. I have wondered about the ministry I have done over the last two decades of my life and thought about how much of it was done more for my satisfaction of serving God then for the people He desired to minister to…. Too impressed with my ability to teach, speak, lead, prophecy, and pray….. Maybe I am being too hard on myself but the truth stands that if I am honest with myself I served God and man so many times for what I received in return.
When I have read through Corinthians and read about the body as the Lord would have us regard it I have received conviction and determination…. Conviction that I have participated in communities where the lesser parts were not given greater honor but instead the parts of the body that don’t need special attention were treated in much the same way as one would think a celebrity would be treated. Conviction that instead walking in a place of love that is patient, kind, not jealous or boastful I watched as envy, jealousy, selfish ambition, and vanity among insecurities worked their way into the lives around me and into my heart.
I have had to take time to repent for receiving identity through more than just Christ.
Some thoughts that have spun around in my head as this process has taken place in my life….
I have been a clanging gong for I have spoken in tongues and had not love…. I have been nothing because I have uttered that which I have heard and seen from God but had not love…. I have not been known by God because I did not feed Him when He was hungry or cloth Him when He was cold…. I have not been known by God although in His name I prayed for healing, deliverance, and salvation….
As I walk forward from this moment and this season in my life I have prayed and asked the Lord that I would be rooted and grounded in love. I love seeing all that He opens my eyes to see… I love hearing all that He opens my ears to hear…. But I love Him more than I love all these things….
There is a song that regards itself more in terms of a woman’s journey through Africa…. But some of the lyrics have hit me as one who has walked a life in ministry for almost the last twenty years…. Sarah Groves sings a song entitled “I Saw What I Saw.”
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road, cut me to the soul

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
(what I am made of)
and what I know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it
we are what we are and it's more than enough
we have what we have but it's no substitution

Something on the road, touched my very soul

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

Her path was through the children of Africa… my path has been more the world of religion and ministry. But there are words there that stir my very soul in regards to the world of ministry and faith that I have taken a hold of…..
There is no substitution for loving God and each other…… there is no excuse to not mature into the ways of love and desire unity more than self …… When Christ being our example did not consider equality with God something to be grasped but made Himself a servant of all we should be ashamed of ourselves when we walk around with celebrity Christian leaders at the helm.
The pain of those that have been left by the wayside on the road of religion and ministry has burned itself into my being… the fact that there are some of those out there that think only the names on the poster can hear and see and taste all of God’s ministry…..
The face and the hope of Christ burned into my heart …. His desire for a bride not anything less provokes me towards love and service…..
I love to teach…. I love to see… I love to hear…. I love to minister to God’s people…. But that is what we are … We are all God’s people.. His children… together… not one over one another but all together….
I want to be known as a child of His not a resounding gong and so I pledge my heart to love as He loved to recline against Him as John did and catch His heart beat and not minister one step until that beat is the beat of everything I do …. May we all catch that rhythm.

We had gone to Carowinds this past week. The older kids had gone off in pairs and I sat in one of the baby pools with Gregory and Elizabeth. The day was perfect. The skies were that perfect Carolina Blue and the warmth of the air mingling with the refreshing coolness of the water just set the scene. I sat in one place and Gregory would splash this way and that and then come back and then go off..... repeating this variation of movement and "checking in on mom" scenario. But Elizabeth .... Elizabeth was the one who was acting out of character..... My climb on whatever is in front of her, squeeze into every tight corner, explore everything and anything child was not willing to leave my lap or take her arms off from around my neck...... She wasn't afraid and I wondered if she was just tired.

As I lay awake tonight the Lord brought the picture of that moment back to my remembrance..... you see after the first hour and a half or so... Elizabeth was back to being herself... exploring, running, climbing, being the keep up with me if you can kind of girl.... that she is..... but for the moments before that she was not going to move from my lap..... not just sitting but resting so deliberately upon my chest with her chubby little arms wrapped around my neck and her head placed upon my shoulder...... I remember just holding her.. every now and then pouring a little bit of water upon her back and cooling her off.... checking in on her by just holding her up for a moment and looking into her face... after which she would just find her place back nestled into me and her whole body would relax as she took in the scene.....
Tonight the words were simple.... I love being a mom.... I love that I have many stages of childhood and young adulthood around me... I love the challenges and the excitement and the joys of each place.... from building tracks with Gregory, to cuddling Elizabeth, to sitting and listening to Caspian, to watching Josh becoming a man, to enjoying Gideon's simplicity and fantastic nature just glow, and being a part of Rebekah's life as she becomes all she is becoming......

I stop and think of each one and each stage and joy just fills my heart... a satisfaction.
An understanding that each season each one walks through contains within it the joys and struggles and yet the knowledge that we will emerge from each season having been richer for going through it and stronger in the end..... The successes, the failures, the joys, the sorrow... and well, everything in between.... they have taught me about life and love and they are some of the most amazing people I know and I love getting to spend my times with them.......
Again.. and tonight the words were simple...... I love being their mom.... there isn't anything I don't love about it... things I don't like... days I don't like but I love them and in it all we create something with each other.......

Tonight as I knew that there was something that the Lord was getting at.... the words were simple.... He loves being a Father.... a Dad... He loves it all.... unlike me He loves perfectly and completely.... He loves being a Dad... a Father to all... as I sit and acknowledge how I know my children... he knows me and them perfectly and completely...... and there are times when there is nothing more to do then to sit nuzzled up to the One who created all things and just rest against His Almighty Chest as He holds us there..... as Elizabeth so out of character did the other day.... and there are times to acknowledge His delight as we discover aspects of the Kingdom not known to us before.... and then there are times to just quietly realize that He loves us... He loves being a Father... and He knows all things.. and in that knowledge we can rest.... when the wind and the waves are carrying a tiny boat across a lake... we can rest in the bow because we know that we know that we know.. that our Father truly loves us and watches over us perfectly....

Psalm 5:12 For you bless the godly, O LORD;
you surround them with your shield of love.

A 100 Day Experiment Gone Wrong.... and a Letter to Someone wanting to get into Ministry

I remember when I was 19 and had newly come to believe in Jesus…. All I wanted was to give my life to him and serve….. do anything…. Just to be with him all the time….

It is interesting how we do things with one thought in mind and yet the thing we do takes us in a whole other direction. I did an experiment for 100 days to love God and people more… Until day 75 I thought I had found the thing that God was going to use to bring me back to him more fully…. Rinse my heart of the residue of years and experiences gone wrong … instead I was more wrong then I could have ever thought…. By day 100 I had stopped journaling. I felt further away from God then ever and angrier about things that had transpired then I had been prior to the 100 days……. I found myself questioning the very foundation of my faith and giving myself more room to navigate the doubts then I had in a very long time…. I came to the realization that I knew too much about the goodness of God to walk away…. To forget…… I had tasted and seen Him too much to deny that this was what I believed…..

I felt like Peter having gone back to fishing after Jesus had died and yet truly hungered for Him to be on the beach cooking breakfast…. But I couldn’t see Him… and wondered even more….

I know more than ever that answers don’t truly exist … religious platitudes do but that isn’t what I want….. My experiment has been nagging on my mind for days now…. Keep feeling pushed to come back and write what had happened……

Beginning to think that the 100 days will end up in their time fulfilling their purpose… I think I will love God and others more….. I have realized a lot of things lately… like we can’t really love until we have first been loved… until we know that we know that we know that we first have been loved… and I think my perceived failure of an experiment gone wrong was to show me that in my own efforts I will never be able to love God and people the way I long too…. I think my experiment as noble as it sounded was my attempt at a tower…… I learned good things from the first 75 days… how to not accept a rut in life, how to break out and see things from another perspective, how to intentionally live life and make productive decisions that bless the ones I spend my day with…… but I think the last 25 days will end up teaching me more than the first 75 ones…. I think I have learned more from failure or what I saw as failure… and I think that in the end of it all these last 100 days since the experiment have taught me more about God’s love then I ever knew before….. I don’t even really know what that means.. And don’t read anything hyper spiritual into it… I have fought and hated God more in the season since the experiment then ever in my walk… I have hated being a Christian and knowing more then I wanted to… I have hated knowing that I know the truth and couldn’t deny it and yet wished to more than anything…… and as I emerge just even a bit from that… as God has pushed me to this place, to write today…… all I can say is that I am more honest with Him…. And I am more myself… I’m not trying to be something I’m not… not that I consciously walked as a Christian with just some façade exterior playing the games and knowing the roles.. But it happened….

So amidst this time I get this letter …. From a dear friend… with a wonderful heart….. Asking me about ministry and asking me for advice… It was comical to me….not that she had asked but the timing….. I wondered for a long time if I was being set up by God…. So I wrote this letter…. And today I felt nudged… more pushed to share parts of what I wrote…. I think it is a wake up call…
I started my experiment because I wanted to love God and not be mediocre about it… I wanted to love people because we are told that is how people will know we are different…. I ended up hating God and being angry at a whole bunch of people….. and yet I am ending up in a place where my eyes have been made open to even a deeper goodness of God… and I know that I know that I know even more that an experiment gone wrong actually went right…..

Here’s parts of the letter:

so don't know if I am at all the person to talk to or give advice about ministry stuff .... except to say... love Jesus and each other... and let anything else flow from that... there is so much that could be said about "ministry" so much that probably needs to be said... but I'll tell you this.. if you are loving your kids and each other then everything else will fall into place.... there is so much "ministry" going on these days that is more of man then of God...

stay away from the super stars of ministry...make sure that their close friends, wife, family... speak well of them and not just tongue in cheek..... Jesus is the only one you truly need... and make the choices to love one another above all.....

If you are called to minister to the Nations then be ready for lots and lots of testing... just saying nothing comes without paying the price and paying it upfront is better... then falling short because character wasn't in place to with stand the anointing... anointing will come and yet if character isn't in place all it will do is destroy everyone in its wake......

again and I can't stress it enough..... don't look for other ministries or men to do something for you.... find the leaders that people don't have to cover up for.... or prop up and you will do well...... don't be tantalized by anything you see.... so much in ministry especially big ministries are good Hollywood productions with lots of hype.....

Care more about the character of the person you would choose to follow than anything else.. And love one another... love your kids... don't think for a minute that they aren't your most important thing.... they will be the best thing you will ever do.....

I almost lost mine to ministry… to my choices.. and my needs to serve God.. I’ve ministered to the PKs and the MKs and met some of the loneliest people in the world because of it….... and yet God in His grace turned things around... I would do so much differently but if you ask for my opinion this is it... ministry is what it is..... It can come and end up coming only to rob, steal and destroy if done wrong and love and the reason for truly serving gets lost…

So love .. love Jesus, each other, your kids.. and everything else will fall into place.... anointing will come… ministry will come… but if we don’t love one another then it won’t matter…. It won’t matter at all….

Mims

A Father's Need

The phone rang. Utter shock and disbelief ran through my body as I looked to see who it was. When I saw the name on the screen I tried to choke back sobs as I picked it up. There are no words to express what those few seconds were all about for me. Trying to compose myself to say hello only broke down into the sobs that I had tried so hard to keep back. I kept trying to compose myself……. Words were tumbling out of my mouth trying to explain what was happening. All I could think of was my poor friend who had placed a phone call only to have a crazy person on the other end.

Things in life had caught up with me and I had been sitting at my desk thinking there was no one to talk to …… no one I could just pour out my heart to that would understand all that was there and be able to actually help. In my mind I couldn’t think through whom at that point in the day I could call. Within that scene the phone rang and as I looked at the name…… the sobs came…. Because but of course she would be the one who at that moment would call……..

I had been sitting alone at my desk looking to the Heavens hoping that God was seeing me… hoping that He was hearing my heart and upon that scene a call came that helped me pour out my heart and express myself and my thoughts.

This morning the deep belief in me arose in light of this scene and truly brought back to remembrance that we are the Body of Christ. He needs us to receive those thoughts and messages about each other so that we can step in and be His hands, His voice, His heart to those around us……

All I can say is that there aren’t the words of gratitude to express that my friend who had thought of me placed that phone call in that moment…. Because the power of that moment lay not only in the friendship but in the fact that in that moment God was saying you are not alone…. I do see you and I do hear you….

May we act more purposefully on the things we think and feel throughout the day…. For we never know when that nudging… that gentle prodding… is a Father saying I need you…..

Day 73 ---The End in Sight

It has been a very interesting season of my life walking through my days with this experiment in the back of my head and in my thoughts...... And now the end is in sight. I haven't written about my experience for a while now. I have come to write at different times and then gotten distracted or actually felt like I wasn't supposed to.... some of these days have been personal ones when I have focused in on more of who I want to truly be and then some were just regular days filled with responsibility and service.

Today has been different. As I come back to write... as I come back to express what these days and this season have meant for my life.... I truly don't recognize the person who I was back on December 16. Possibly because for the most part she doesn't exist anymore..... I am more focused on who I am and what I want for my life and lives of my family.... I am more patient (not the only one saying that) and a general calmness has taken root and has started to work its way deep into all that I am......

But what the third quarter of this experiment truly taught me is to hold fast to that which you know that you are called towards.... Life will come at you with all of its urgencies and if you don't have a place within to hold them at bay you will get swept beneath its waves. I have learned the importance of keeping focused and spending the time to visit and revisit that which I want to accomplish... whether as a woman, wife, mom, writer or photographer.... I hold fast to my dreams and my goals ... looking at them ... reworking them .... having written them down I read them frequently.. remind myself of them ... assess myself using them as my grading criteria.....

I am back in school. A new phase in my life that began at the onset of this experiment in quite the most unexpected way. But every time I get an assignment I print it off... read it thoroughly through for the first time.... grab my highlighter and pen and go back over it and mark and circle all of its requirements.... I then go to task to accomplish that assignment. Step by step I read each direction .. checking the grading rubric... making sure that everything that is asked is done.... When I have finished the assignment I go back over my work and compare it to all that the instructor put forth.... diligently and purposefully I review and review to make sure that all that was required has been completed. Well... I now apply that same focused energy to my life and my goals....

I see and hear of people that have as their main goals in life or as an organization to be a certain way or accomplish a certain task.... however they get derailed because they allow the urgencies of any given day or of life in general to steal that from them.... Instead of deciding for themselves every day (sometimes numerous times within a day) the who, what, when, where of life they allow the situations to dictate that for them...... Before long they find themselves far away from the things that they actually wanted to accomplish..... Yes, sometimes our goals and dreams change but this isn't that.... this is not putting first things first and being attentive and careful to focus on what is the expressed vision or goal.....

There are things that I know that I want now more than ever.... dreams and desires that I hold up to Heaven and whisper my prayers over..... I have had a taste of the hard work and sacrifice it will take but I know that I am to walk this walk.... and I know that I am to be a protector of the path through my daily choices and actions.... I commit to myself to do just that and to walk in such a way that is fully conscious of where I am heading... Habakkuk says " Write the vision and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may [be able to] read [it easily and quickly] as he hastens by." I don't want it to be said that I didn't accomplish what I set out to do because I got distracted and wasn't diligent to protect the vision embedded upon my heart......

Waiting Patiently for the New Day Sun

I don't know what exactly has thrown this day for a loop for me.... If it was the fact that ice on the road cancelled school or that in the afternoon Gregory fell and seriously hurt his lip..... But this day has brought with it a wind that has flustered me. My heart is stirred and my mind is full and I don't know really with what. Nap schedule has been off .... and it feels like this whole day has just run amuck.

A sense of sadness fills my heart as do worries about certain areas of my life.... What happens when you know that you know that you know that you don't know ... when you know that you don't contain the answers needed within yourself and there isn't another to go to..... I have learned that there is strength within the walls of a family. That when there are troubles it is really nice not to be alone. That comfort comes from knowing that there are other people out there that you matter to and that they stand beside you during the harder seasons of life.

Today has been one of those days where I have seen my short comings. Where my lack has been magnified in my eyes and along with it fear has entered my heart. I want to have the answers for my children as they grow... I want to empower them into life and yet I know that there are areas where I still am trying to figure it out for myself.... What happens then? What happens then? When I realize that I can't fix the issue with a hug and a band aid and a cup of hot chocolate. These are the days... this is the day when I am put to the test.

As I headed to the bathroom to give my one year old a bath great sorrow filled my heart. It felt as if the weight of the world rested upon my shoulders and I gasped for air. I looked into my daughters sweet face and thought about how I had held other babies that were now not babies and wished for moments long past.

It is wisdom that I need. So many areas exist in my life where I know that I don't have the answers. I don't know how to walk the path that is in front of me. Yet in these moments I sit and though it doesn't get any better I know that as I breath deep that the paths will unfold and the days will go on. I trust that if I ask for wisdom it will be given to me and I believe that my lacks will be provided for in mysterious ways. I am not too proud to realize that there are others in the lives of my family that step in and fill those gaps and for them I am forever grateful.....

The loneliness and sorrow ....well, maybe some days they are just par for the course. In this world we will have those things.... Learning to walk within those times and not be taken down by them but learn from them, be changed by them and know that days like these pass and the sun will rise tomorrow... Maybe some days that is just good enough... And though my lack might scream into my ear the voice of truth whispers it's strength into my heart.

Though today might have me spent it does not have me beat. When I am down I will look up and find my way and find my strength and find my breath. I will be grateful that the sun is about to set and that new mercies will be found on the wings of tomorrow. I will be grateful for my days and times for I know that though my load might seem heavy today there are those who walk with heavier burdens. I will be grateful for all that exists within my world. I will be grateful and I will wait patiently for the new day sun.