Do you know that you will always be OK?

Knowing the days and times....

Yesterday was that kind of day... couldn't even put my finger on it. It was one of those days that makes me sit and think and pray and wonder.

It made me wonder about the times and seasons we live in, it made me wonder what was upon us, it made me sit and think and ask God about the days we live within. The weirdness of the day. The way it all felt off. While there is still so very much transition going on in our own lives, this felt larger.

There is no doubt that my heart beats, and my entire make up believes in the revelatory nature of the Kingdom of God, that being so I don't seek after words about dates, and times, and this or that happening. If God wants to tell me there is nothing stopping Him, but I walk in relationship with Him to be in relationship with Him, not to have the future told.

Interesting enough though there was a conversation He wanted to have and He started it last night and continued it all day today. When concluding our talk I felt more loved and more cherished as His daughter, more aware of His reality and more full of the understanding of what knowing the days and times is all about.

Do you love me? Was the question that He asked. I answered that I did indeed love Him, while in the moment knowing where fear, and doubt and flesh got in the way. Interesting stuff gets revealed when He asks His questions. That is after all I believe why He usually asks them, He knows the answers, maybe the real question is do we?

Do you know that you will always be ok? I looked at Him as He looked at me and I was silent. Not expecting that question. Knowing the answer. We sat there, together, me just looking at Him, He just looking at me.

“No, my Lord I don't know nor do I believe that I will always be ok”. He was going further in one moment then I wanted but I knew not to shut off the journey. Though the topic was painful and that which He was touching unpleasant, all I wanted was for Him to continue sitting with me. I know, I know .. His presence never leaves and He never forsakes. But this moment, this moment was one of those moments and I wasn't taking it for granted. I needed Him. I sat there acknowledging my need for Him.

He sat by feet. Shouldn't I be sitting by His. He just smiled. He held my left foot in His hand and spoke that I would always be ok. I just looked at Him.

What's the worse that could happen? Was the next question. Miles length of answers ran through my head and my heart while I didn't utter one of them, I didn't need to. He knew them all anyway.

So what happens then? If any or all of that happens? Are you not ok? Question upon question. What if I said you would be ok? He wasn't now just asking the questions, He was answering them. Do you trust me to make sure that you are always going to be ok?

We got to the crux of the matter. No, my Lord. I do not. Because what you say ok looks like and what I say ok looks like most times are two very different things. I'm afraid. And we were exactly where He wanted me to be. Trust, fear, doubt, faith, love, confidence....... Assurance.

In a moment the truth He was pouring over me was like Niagra Falls. I sat there soaking it all in. That in this world the trials and tribulations will come. In this world there is death and sickness and sorrow and pain. Yet while walking in this world I do have the assurances that it does not get to dictate or determine if I am ok. I am ok. Period.

Within some moments His truths are way easier to believe than at others. Especially when He is sitting at the end of your bed, telling you so. Yeah, those aren't the moments where the struggle exists.

Will you do me a favor?

Now what do you say to that? Was my first thought.

Will you be who you are. Again we just looked at one another. He had already spoken about the days and seasons and times. He had already spoken about how the love of most will grow cold, the increase of wickedness, and more.

What do you do in such a time as this?

I knew He had the answer He wanted me to hear, but I knew that He planted the answer within me as well.

I knew that I still allowed situations and circumstances to all too easily dictate to me the reality of the wellness of my soul. I knew that we had been down this road before, and all the while I knew that there was more grace for me than I even knew what to do with.

I love you, He spoke.

You'll be ok.

I knew He wanted me to look up the statement, “though the mountains be removed.” I could hear Him saying it and saying it... as I googled searched the quote.. Isaiah 54:10 came forth in the search...

For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And My covenant of peace will not be shaken," Says the LORD who has compassion on you.

Then to Psalm 46:

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the Earth should change.

As I read on and on I knew that though that which the world dictates rings true into my ears and heart. I knew where it was that He wanted me to journey towards.

Would you be who you are? We were there again. Having so known the lack of love and having so known the agony of abandonment, I feel within myself an understanding of love that I mediate through at times. Who wants to be the sappy one? Is usually my question back to Him. Yet tonight, tonight while sitting at the foot of my bed and looking me in the eyes and touching my foot, I knew He has trained me up for love, He has loved me first with an excellence that is all powerful and amazing. How could I live any less? How could I allow fear to force me into a place where I hold at bay my capacity to love?

I looked at Him and spoke that I would try. I would try. In these moments I feel more seen, more known then ever before. Whenever He comes like this He leaves me more thoroughly His, the fears that had been upon my mind were being blown away. The reality of the fact that I am crowned with the lovingkindnesses of God filled my head instead.

What do we do upon days like yesterday when the atmosphere feels full of fear and uncertainty? We remember! We remember where we come from and where it is that we are going. We get firmly planted in the fact that our citizenship is not of this earth, and that this earth does not get to dictate or determine how it is that we walk.

I'm not there... not truly. But if I'm honest. I'm getting there more and more through His love, His affection, His mercy and His grace... I'm landing there more and more.

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And My covenant of peace will not be shaken," Says the LORD who has compassion on you.” What more does a girl need to know? What other ground does a daughter stand upon.

My heart is reavished... Reflections of a Daughter who Happens to See...

Reflections of a Daughter who Happens to See...

I don't mind at all when people ask about and desire understanding into the gift of seeing. I don't mind talking about the reality of the unseen real. I don't mind talking about the reality of the Kingdom of God as it looks like upon the Earth. These are places that while I don't take for granted I live and walk among. These are places that daily teach me and instruct me in my inheritance as it flows forth now, and as it will flow forth into all eternity.

I don't take seeing for granted because I have been blind and in my blindness my heart ached and my lack of understanding caused me to perish at times.

One of my favorite stories in the bible is when Elisha opens the eyes of his servant. Having only seen the intimidation and forces of their enemy now his eyes were open to the ever present answer of the Lord their God. How His answer to the forces of the enemy produced courage and strength.

It is one of my favorite stories because Elisha isn't saying let me see for you and tell you,it isn't about Elisha. He makes it about those that serve him. He isn't content to see for himself, he yearns that all would see.

I've thought about the people and Moses quite a bit lately. Moses tells the Lord that he will not go forward if the Lord doesn't go forward with him, but then allows the people to let him, Moses, go forward into the deep darknesses of God without them.

He goes and brings back.

I want that day to be done more than I want anything. I want to say to the people I will personally always go into the deep darknesses of our God because I know that I emerge more his; more his daughter, more bearing his image, more like him. But no longer can I be satisfied to only bring it back. I will go for me, but I will ask that no one says go for us.

I want to see the reality of Ephesians 4:11-16, those that are gifted not operating for themselves but for the benefit of the body, so that we can all.. ALL, “attain to the unity of faith,” and be built up. I want to propel people who would be satisfied to drink of the breast of another to move forward into eating meat. And I would love to compel any leader to see the heart of Elisha, to see the heart of Father God and as they walk, walk in a depth of compassion for the people like Christ.

I have sadly seen too much of the opposite.

Why this morning? Why write this this morning?

I was on Facebook, and I saw a picture of a dear old friend. In their eyes was death and it made me sad. Before you go thinking was it me, was it me... Ask yourself, is it me... Don't worry if I saw something, what do I matter, my opinion means nothing. I saw death in their eyes because they have made service and ministry their god, put things upon their person that our God isn't, and it is crushing their soul. That makes me sad.

I see. It is my heart's cry that while all might not intrinsically be seers in the sense of gifting or of the word or experience that all would have their hearts, ears, and eyes open to the reality of the Kingdom of God as it pulsates and thrives around them, at it exists at hand. That all would see and know their God and be known by Him. That as hard upon the flesh and the natural life the deep darknesses of God are there is nothing more life giving and propelling into the truest nature of what reality really is about.

Let's walk together, let's equip together and not ever step into foolish competition or one man up manship (such things should never find their way into the expression of Christ and His family), let's have hearts that desire above all things to see the body built up, so that we will no longer be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by the craftiness in deceitful scheming. Let's speak the truth in love and grow up into all aspects into Him who is the head.

He is who I love, and I am loved by Him more thoroughly then I could ever comprehend, as are you. That love and exposure to the deep darknesses of who He is is fundamentally changing me, I don't even pretend to understand it all, and it is more brutal and more difficult at times then I know to speak. But I know His whispers as if they are a roar more and more, and I have learned the posture of leaning that now I can not walk alone.

Walk into the deep darknesses, open your Eyes and behold your God, His affections will ravish you and leave you altered forever.

Men slept while God battled for their souls... and at times still do...

Those moments are more and more upon my thoughts. I think of the soil of Gethsemane that received his tears, his blood... his cry. The weight and heaviness of that moment upon creation. Upon Christ.

I think of Moses and the deep darkness how he invited the people to join Him.

These pictures and images and words and ideas are all floating around my head creating within me thoughts that are forever changing me and wooing my heart deeper into His ways and further focused towards the place where my truest citizenship resides.

Leaders... people... God.....

Twenty years of ministry and the hunger to not only not ever step back onto a hamster wheel but demolish the hamster wheel is upon me.... Carefully walking these waters because judgment can be oh so tricky and we can call a cow a cow but not see with the eyes of Christ and step into a place of harsh terrain that I long to avoid.

I am glued back to the simplicity of the words of love.. Simple and yet profound... they will rock your world up one side and down the other if you let them.. Love does not seek it's own... love is patient.. kind.. not boasting... it is not easily provoked... does not take into account a wrong suffered... it is not arrogant.... bears all things.. believes all things... hopes all things .. endures all things...

I do not love... I long to love.. but I do not love with full measure... this is the calling..This is your calling.. it is my calling.... this is the pursuit.. this is all that will go forward into eternity... all else will pass away but love moves beyond time and kisses the eternal...

Self preservation must cease … a deep trust taking its place...

What does this have to do with the Garden... with the deep darkness...

Times of transition.... times where battling of the flesh and human nature and deep darkness are upon all.....

Christ stepped into that moment and we know His proclamation of the will of the Father be done not His own... we see the agony of such times upon our Savior as He aches for the fellowship and comfort and prayers of friends anguishing in the moment of the cup that is at hand as His soul battles face to face with Father.. alone in a moment of monumental weight ..... Christ and Father... Father and Son...

Men slept while God battled for their souls... and at times still do...

Moses' invitation into the deep unknown.. He emerges altered forever but the people have been satisfied with a golden image instead of the image of the indestructible God.

Moments liken unto those are all around us.... the hunger for kings still fills the hearts of man.. the longing for the proverbial meat but only wanting to drink the milk to get to it … leaders all too willing to accommodate the people so that their thrones don't get tossed...

Haven't we exhausted ourselves yet.... haven't we seen too much.. let me put it this way.. I have seen too much and I'm sad... I have exhausted myself ... and I'm exhausted and sad and disgusted …

This season.. this season of relentless moments over the course of the last few years has positioned my eyes to different places and upon Him all the more...

I remember years ago when I wanted to listen to a tape series on a subject I was pursuing and Father asked me not to... telling me that He was teaching me and He was laying instruction into my heart.. but lacking confidence in that place and trusting in men more than my God I listened... He was right.. there wasn't anything on that tape series that He Himself hadn't taught me and what followed was truly sad...

He gave me what I wanted and expressed His heart that He would not instruct me like He had been doing for the next season.. I had trusted in Chariots .. I had trusted in other men's revelation more than the heart beat of God as it had poured out upon my heart and mind. It isn't that there are never to be teachers and leaders it is that we need to have our hearts and eyes focused rightly.

This is no longer about ugliness seen upon men and leaders and ministry.. nor is it about the ugliness seen upon myself... This is about how do we then live...

The deep darknesses and the gardens are horrible places for the flesh and tear upon the soul in ways that I have not the words for.... but they truly are one of the most magnificent and horrifying places to be... to encounter God....

Elisha's servant's heart was frail and afraid... seeing only the schemes and plans of the enemy the servant did not know the answer of the Kingdom.. the answer of God... But Elisha in that moment didn't create a cripple unto himself... He empowered the servant's eyes to see...

Empowering others... empowering any and all who hunger and thirst.. empowering myself away from some corrupted horrific puny version of religious truths into life.... Into the deep darkness and into the garden.. into the wilderness because the promise is that when I emerge.. I will emerge leaning on my beloved.... and then whatever it took to land me there is where I need to walk...