Sanctuary: The Tale of a Modern Day Geresene Demoniac ... Chapter 1

The air was thick and gray and heavy.... I sat there in that place knees to chest.. breathing ever so shallow.... vacant eyes filling sockets dazing off into a distance … seeing everything... seeing nothing... I couldn't tell if it was the atmosphere that was cold or if it was me... the numbness felt as if it had completely over taken me and still I sat....

My head felt so heavy... resting it upon my knees a sigh ever so deep filled my chest and passed through my lips.... Could I be still enough that I would just disappear.... Hadn't I already... Sitting there my fingers danced thoughtlessly over the grass playing with each separate blade.. time passing … moments ever so fleeting...

Shrinking away … vanishing within... if I couldn't physically disappear I would depart from current reality into myself away from all that would cause pain.. cause harm... into the numbest of places where nothing could touch the truest me... where nothing could really affect me... because there would be no me to affect.... a physical image .. a physical body but nothing beyond that.... The coldness entered further into my being and I disappeared even deeper within.... Into a realm where my mind was blank and thoughts didn't come or go... a place so blank and so numb that it wasn't just about losing track of time it was as if time didn't exist....

Sitting there in that field beyond this place... a place where the color gray enveloped all.... a place where the air was filled with a silence so cold... so devoid of any existence... void of emotion... void of conscience.. void of life .. I would sit there... I would sit there and in that place … in that prison... in that gray thickness .. in that covering I would feel safe....

Their hands would still come... their words would still be spoken.. their bodies would still act and react but their capacity to touch me vanished …. nothing more than a vapor I would pretend their hands passed through me .. I would watch as if outside of myself as they spoke.. acted... Deeper and deeper into passages so intricate.. so far away from their grasp... embracing the gray... embracing the cold... embracing numbness.... removing myself from reality.. removing myself from the world.... entering another place altogether... embracing nothingness …. so thoroughly disappearing...

I would sit at desks … I would speak .. I would act... I would walk around hallways.. into and out of doorways... into and out of this place or that.... walking... looking... watching... living so separate from my physical reality.... eyes would see this or that but nothing would register... nothing would ever register... nothing …... upon my person I might as well been marked as the walking dead.....

I would listen … I would engage in conversation .. but even in that place it was still as if an observer in my life not a participant..... and the coldness would continue.... and the dying of a million deaths would linger..... each time vanishing further and further within... each time letting go more and more giving way to the grayness... giving way to the cold..... giving way to the capacity to vanish and become as vapor....

Staring in mirrors … looking into windows.. even my reflection would seem foreign... who was this person looking back at me... how was that a me … how was that image .. that face “me”... but then touching even those questions would prove too intolerable and I learned to vanish even further....

So sitting in that field... my fingers mindlessly touching this blade of grass.. that blade of grass... I would look up... I would lift my head from off my knee and I would look .. peering into the fog.... with a yearning so deep … a hungering so desperate... a need so painful.... into the fog I would look.. into the cold.. into the darkness.... beyond anything that I could even try to comprehend my eyes .. my soul would scan the horizon.... desiring beyond desire to see something beyond the gray... and yet the gray would only darken and the horizon would only disappear within the darkness.....

The landscape of the place was hopelessness... the air was despair.... the field though sown with grass was full of sorrow and envy... each blade a tear that had fallen... each blade an unanswered prayer.. an unheard silent scream.... the heaviness of the gray bore down upon my person a weight that birthed sigh after sigh... cold clung to my being as if it was offering a hug … but death was its embrace....

And still my eyes would lift ever now and then.. my eyes would peer forth from my lowered head with an appeal and a plea so desperate... so fragile... so needy... begging the horizon to be something different... pleading with darkness to release its relentless death grip.... but the winds would howl almost in a ghoulish laughter and a punishment would be enacted for even daring to hope that the horizon would bring something new....

Into a deeper chasm of self I would be wooed towards... convinced that only from within could I be safe.... the darkest of voices enticing me towards a inward reality full of vacancy … full of void... full of vapor.... hiding this portion of myself here... secluding that portion of myself there... separating and separating and separating... and separating... and leaving behind portion after portion of my soul.... as if a scattered relic... a scattered layout of dinosaur bones... relinquishing into the grips of death portion after portion of my heart as if in so doing safety could be found....

I learned how to breathe in the most shallow of places... as if having been drowned into dark waters I acquired the skills to breathe underneath it all.... gasp is more like it... not tasting air... not tasting color... not tasting sunshine... I learned how to operate because to use the word function would attribute to myself more of a reality of life then that which I lived... I learned how to go in and go out.. how to pass through season after season.. how to live minute upon minute... I learned how to play the game.. how to move myself through life... year after year would pass... and into all of it would I as a vapor travel through....

Nothingness... nothing engaging... nothing connecting.. no connection to the day.. to humanity... to laughter... to joy... bearing up underneath the power of the gray.. the grip of the darkness I stepped and stepped and learned its ways... falsehood... death... rob.. steal.. destroy.. envy.. jealousy...anger.. wrath.. malice... slander.. abusive speech.... evil deeds... walking in the futility of my mind...being darkened in my understanding... excluded from life... full of ignorance... having become callous.. having given myself over into the hands of darkness and evil and harm...

The land of death shade was the name of the landscapes I traveled.. It was the geography within whose borders I was held captive.... It's terrain was what was underneath my feet.....

Disappearing further and further into myself would birth opportunities for fancy... fanciful... wistful notions of other places.... filling my head with false scenarios of what life was... of what it could be... unbeknown to me these wooings were even more insidious then their more obvious counterparts of pain and sorrow.... Into these scenarios I would lose myself for hours.... only to emerge to the reality of the torment of what my day was truly full of..... the hours that had passed from made up places and delights would vanish into thin air... and I was left with only the falsest remembrances of the hopes of what those brief sweet moments were …. could be... never were ever actually.... And into the grasp of death shade I would vanish even further....

Dropping here and there once again hopes and dreams and the faintest of notions that there would ever be a different place for me to walk... within the tombs I lingered... bond... lost... alone...

Whispers would be caught upon the air … as if a sound was trying to float in upon the gray... a stirring … a hope.... a scent so sweet would pull my soul back from self created or demonically enticed caverns …

My head would shoot up off of my knee and attempt to shake off the heaviness of that which comes with dark places...

Yet other whispers would quickly sound … ones that felt more familiar ..ones that I knew how to hear...because they were more like that which I had always heard and their attempt to drown out the new would win over … my soul longing for comfort … needing places where I knew how to walk …

I had known death and darkness and separation... while their grip was horrific and their words full of venom they were what my soul understood and into their hands and into their realities … into their familiar places I would allow the shackles to be brought down even harder... the deafness of heart and ear to grow even stronger....

I learned to hope for a different horizon was only an exercise of futility and despair... the gray was strong.. the landscape of death's grip relentless..... to think that there was something beyond was mocked... was foolishness .. was beyond all reason.... death was permanent.. It's sting shattering …. Its force to keep one barely alive.. lingering .. not being able to exit its shadow lands.... not being able to lay a hold of any other future.... It's voice.. It's prison...

However I was about to learn all of that was actually the truest of vapors.... a feverish roar to be showed up for an impotent bellowing...

Sitting there upon the valleys of the shadows of death … feeling its grassy fields underneath my person... allowing the despairing songs of its blades of grass to penetrate my soul... being enraptured and caught up into the grayest of atmospheres.... giving way to death and its shadows and all that it entailed.... Within that place I would begin to hear another song... and the sweetness of it would cause a breathe to enter into my lungs.... air that I had never tasted... filled me... a courage to once again lift my eyes away from the dullness... from the void.... would touch my inner most being and I would begin to learn the truth .. the truth of what those shadows were.. what that death was... I would learn that there was a deeper reality where the truth shouted clearly .. Oh death where is thy victory … oh grave where is thy sting... familiar dark places were shown up for that which they were … empty lies... light was breaking over the horizon...

….. A truth spoken prophetically from a man who had lived so very long ago … That the people who are walking in darkness Have seen a great light, Dwellers in a land of death-shade, Light hath shone upon them. (Isaiah 9:2 Youngs Literal Translation)

The One, the True Light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world..... (John 1:9) He was coming into my world... The Shepherd who is the one who leads us through the valley of the shadow of death so that we need not fear evil had left the 99 and was on pursuit...... Death-shade would be commanded to give over to the light, a prisoner that had been kept within its grasp... a whole new language would be learned and spoken... a fresh air would fill old saturated lungs... a hope.. a faith.. a courage... would sweep in on the strongest of winds … the most piercing of lights..... The grip of familiar death would be loosened .. The Balm of Gilead applied to its sting.....

Those times from another perspective.......

"The people who are walking in darkness Have seen a great light, Dwellers in a land of death - shade, Light hath shone upon them." Isaiah 9 : 2 Young's Literal

I don't know even how to start. What to say. What not to say. How to tell a story that was and is my life. I can think back but it is foggy. I was alive but I wasn't. I dwelled in a land of death and chaos. But Light came and changed all that...........................

"No, they aren't my parents." She said " My parents are dead." She stared at the two people who she had known all her life as mom and dad. Her mind blank. Looking at them as if through the eyes of a movie that was playing out before her. She was alive. She was breathing. Yet reality was far from her and her life more of a vapor.. This story is hard to write. But it is her story. A story that I came across and one that has taken a hold of me and will not let me put it to rest. So tell it I must.

I met her at university. She was crazy. She lived in a world of her own making. Between lies and imagination. Maybe just escapism. It was either she was dying of cancer or walking down the middle of the road completely intoxicated. I would watch her as she followed her impulses. She could be in the middle of telling a story (and by story I mean complete fabrication) of something she did or something that happened to her, and tell it as if she believed it to be true. Even when confronted with the truth she would stick with her lie as though it were a part of her. I think I share this story because I think there are a lot more people like her or maybe more like me and maybe we all need a road map of some sort to help us along the way.

I remember the first time I met her. She had this way about her. Drew people into her whirlwind. Some of us crashed and burned alongside her. Others left just not willing to take in the insanity. And I, well I watched. We met at orientation. She was a few days late to Freshman year coming off of a prior commitment at a Summer stock theatre. She fell into the scene. And I mean fell. Wild. Absolutely wild. Stirred up chaos wherever she went. I think she thought life was a game or a play and the rules.... well, what rules of life? And if there were some they didn't really apply to her. Or maybe she just didn't think through things. I actually came to believe that she truly just lived in an unconnected reality not fully capable of attaching to life and the human existence. She was sometimes amusing to watch at other times just embarrassing. But watch I did.

Then the day came when the administration at the school had had its full. Maybe it was that she (on a dare) had in broad daylight taken off all her clothes and (as she put it) sauntered across the main quad. " But I'm in the best shape of my life." She had said. "Why not?" Or maybe it was that she had accused one of the university's football stars of going too far (too much had already happened for anyone to believe her... sadly even I couldn't tell the difference between what could be true and what she created to be true.), or maybe it was the drinking and partying, maybe it was that the dean had just gotten tired of hearing her name pass before his desk. So having been given the option to stay under a very stick curfew or go home. She chose home.

The night before she was to leave I asked her the question I had been longing to ask since the day I met her................ "Why do you act this way?" She looked at me. We were sitting in my dorm room. I can picture the whole scene as if it were only yesterday. The white concrete brick walls that were cold to my skin. The crazy thin mattress on the bed that was more like a cot than anything. The completely typical durable wooden furniture that probably fills every dorm room across the US. My books. My stuff. And her. Sitting on my bed. Legs bent to her chest. Sitting there holding her knees. Her eyes looking at me. Penetrating my very soul. She just looked at me for what felt like hours. Staring through me. She was definitely in some other place. At least her mind was. Traveling back in time. Back through the days and times. Back to the truth she had spent so much time getting away from. I realized after the words came out of my mouth, that maybe it was unfair. Maybe that question had been wrong to ask and maybe mere curiosity wasn't enough to make someone have to think upon events they had tried so hard to forget. But the words were out. The question lingering in the air. And yet she still looked at me. Through me more like it.

…..........................................................................And yet another perspective..............................

I just sat there. Sitting on one of those college dorm room "beds." (If they can be called that) Across from me she sat. Was I a caged animal that I couldn't get up? I couldn't get up and leave. Couldn't leave my skin, who I was, my life. I couldn't. "Why do you act this way?" Was her question. Had it been so easy for her to ask? Did she realize what the events were? Those things that had created me, a mere vapor, of a human being. So unattached to people and reality. How did other people do it? How did other people string together days and months and years? How did other people live? How did other people care? Or take in reality? How did other people stay connected and focused?

I never really thought through anything that happened. Consequences of my actions. What are those? Ugh. How did other people live life and not just escape to some made up fantasy world that exists in imaginations like mine? What are people? What is this life? What am I supposed to be? Did I always know when I was lying? Yes. Did I ever care? Nope. Did I ever mean to hurt anyone? No, I really didn't. But I also didn't care if I was hurt. Or I had just gotten to the place where so much pain existed anyway that the reality of day to day existence didn't exist. I just plain didn't think. Incapable? Maybe? More like just not part of the human experience as the majority of the population knows it to be.

So that question. "Why do I act this way?" Wow! Did it hang in the air..... I vanished. Got lost back into days past. Ones that had been fought over to be forgotten. Living back the moments. Were they the reason I was who I was? Had all those things created me? Had I learned so well to escape into my mind. Was there nothing real about me but my body?

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Minutes past.

I watched her.

Wondering what were her thoughts.

Then it came......................

A story.

Not a story like the ones I had come to know or expect from her.

But the truth.

All I could think was....... "Would I even be alive if I had lived in her shoes?" As I watched her tell her story, (for the first time in her life), as I saw her relive moments she had fought to forget. Run away from. Or simply ignore. I saw a strength that had carried her to the moment we were in....... and I hoped that it would continue to carry her ..... For I knew she had long way home.

…........................................................................................................Put in other words still.......

I remember the night I sat in a dorm room in a university in a city in a state in what seems like another life time ago.... and as I sat I listened... I listened to her. I had asked what I thought was a simple enough question and yet the answer that kept spilling out of her was nothing simple......

Hands had touched her very soul and scattered the pieces to the winds.... it was as if my question uncorked a bottle within her and all that she had ever wanted to say kept flowing out of her as if she were incapable of stopping now that she had begun.... I heard her voice and yet it seemed as if it was from some far off place ... and I saw her eyes yet they looked like they were all together seeing something so different then the room we were in.... and in this place that brought forth the yesterdays into the todays I found my role as the listener and the listener I was.........

When she was done she was quiet for the longest of times and we sat there and sat there and sat there.... She closed her eyes as she sat and her body shook and I longed to hold her as she appeared to me to be nothing more than a trapped caged animal..... So small... so frail... I wondered if the wind would bring back all the pieces .. I wondered if the cage would ever open... I wondered if the animal would ever walk as a human.....

Those moments that she shared with me will forever be branded upon me and I will remember her story for all the days of my life..... and yet I wonder who she is.. if she still lives.... if the wind brought back all the pieces.....

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There were Winds that would bring me back... bring all of me back.. bring all those scattered pieces back into place.... not before many a valley would be tread... not before many a death-shade would be tasted... But the Winds and the Lights and The Light and The Wind are what they are and they blow away the shadows of death and fear with a passionate affection that knows no measurement....

I had sat and sat and sat within the valleys of the shadow of death .. having let go of all hope that a horizon existed that was different then the grayness and the heaviness that I had come to embrace .. come to know.. come to abide in its “safety..” It's familiar.... I had tasted and seen death... known it's grip.... given into its despair.... believed its lies....

And then at a moment.. where all would seem lost... where all hope would seem to have vanished.. where any possibility of anything new would seem the farthest from me.... a notion … a pull … towards a window... towards a street lamp … would cause my eyes to lift up and enable all but the faintest hope within my being.....

Never having heard that there were words that could formulate a prayer that would be a key away from the shadow lands... never knowing that there was a way out of the darkness... a path laid so very long ago.... a light that could penetrate the deepest of darknesses .. a truth that was strong and everlasting... a life … A Life.... A Man who is the Key.. is the Life... is the Way.. is the Truth... had indeed left the 99 and come running towards me wooing me towards Him.... a Lover passionate seeking one who seemingly was forgotten amidst a foreign land and its horrific ways.... His passion arising … Drawing me to speak.. “I don't know if you even exist... but if you do I will give you all that is my life...” Words pouring forth into a darkness but not for long as the room I was standing in filled full of a light... and left me knowing five things:... There was a God.. It had to do with Jesus... It had to do with the cross.. The Bible... and He was going to lead me on to a place where I could learn more about Him.....

Away from false self – created at best and demonically enticed at worse safe places into the glorious nature of His fabulous light.. into a safety so beyond the strongest of towers.. into a refuge that abiding in the shadow of His wings would enfold me and empower me forward into a life and liberty I had never known...

There was only one other blog post that was harder to write ... here goes leaping that leap again

I woke up this morning from straight out of a dream and knew to go to my phone....  as I reached for it I felt like there would be something on my Facebook wall or the page of Stir The Water that I needed to see... as I opened up the app on my phone I saw that there was a message from a most precious of friend....

A quote greeted me this morning....  a quote from a movie that was like an anthem for a community I was once a part of .....  On a morning of a day that has a list beyond comprehension of things that I thought was important... Father was stepping in and redirecting my path.....

I laid there in bed.. remembering my friend... remembering those days "of those precious moments that we spent sided by side." (Four Feathers)...  And then Father began to speak and I got why this morning... I understood (didn't like but understood) His reasoning....  and then as if to really unpack and tear up my schedule He spoke and asked for me to write....

There is only one other blog post on here that writing it was harder than this one..... but I get it... so here goes.... this isn't a comment upon anyone else or anything done... this is a condition of my heart and the lessons that I have learned.....

I stand at many a brink in life.....  transition after transition... By the time we move away from where we currently live a full seven years will have been lived here.... hhhhmmm fullness... completeness.... Where we move to is where I wanted to move to 7 years ago... and while 7 years ago I didn't understand this detour... I do now and no longer would I call it a detour...... It was the only way that traveling from one spot to another would have happened..... the lessons learned here... the family regained here.... the hope rebirthed here ... will forever live in my heart....

So my friend's quote this morning reminded me of other times.... and I don't have rose colored glasses upon my face but I do have love in my heart .. and appreciation for all that the Lord and men have taught me... There was a precious time in life... a time where I learned for the first time that I wasn't an ugly duckling ... that there was a community that I belonged to and that indeed there was a strength from being with like minded people that was so fully empowering and life giving...

As seasons come they can often go and leaving that season there was much to process....  I watched as friends that once shared neighborhoods moved across the globe and that place of where I thought I would belong forever was shattered......  

I remember writing that other blog post.. I remember the pauses and the tears.... but here is where it becomes important to write these things...

I know in the spirit there are so many numerous invitations to step back in again.. to trust again... To trust God's nature and character and that what He asks has goodness always attached to it... These  invitations are going out and what they are hitting are hearts that remember......  and in those remembrances there is also fear... fear of the what ifs.....   

I remembered this morning the goodness of the times .. I remembered the hard times and the lessons learned... I remembered the sad times and the growing times and the confusing times... I remembered....  and as I remembered what was spot lighted for me was this.... Not quite audible but loud enough for me to receive it...

He spoke.... and He spoke of how I hold back now... how I watch instead of fully participate.. how in my heart there is the belief that I would never fully belong again and even if I did all the what ifs of what if this too fell apart are almost too unbearable.....  

I mean it people there is time in life to get real... that is what this blog is about and this is what my life has to be about... we can't put faces on and life like white washed tombs.. in this area in my heart are dried bones.. is death.. and Father doesn't want that death there... and so even on a morning that has a list beyond miles long.. He doesn't really care about any one of those things.. I mean He does.. but beyond any of it... beyond any of it.. it is .. IT IS ... My heart He is after... always after...

And if I am going to step up into a place and call people towards relationship with Him then I can't allow moments like this to pass....  You can't allow moments like these that come into your life to pass you by because of what you once knew.. or once experienced.....  

Abou Fatma: Are you a deserter?
Harry Faversham: Something like that. I was sent to fight and I ran away.
Abou Fatma: Why?
Harry Faversham: Why? I just... There are many reasons why. Mostly I was afraid.
Abou Fatma: [laughs] I found you halfdead crossing the desert alone. And you say you are afraid?
Harry Faversham: There's a different kind of fear. Why are you protecting me?
Abou Fatma: God put you in my way. I have no choice.

Many of you are crossing deserts alone and walking upon terrain that only the brave dare to tread and yet you would say you are afraid.....  I .. was ... and am in places afraid... but there is a new courage that roars in .. that causes one to stand.. and it isn't about people.. or places... or organizations... It becomes about God... 

I had rendered my faith ill effective because of the desire for glory from men... but in these years my heart and my being has learned the nature and character of God and it is He .. and while unlike a great movie quote .. we do have choices..... we can choose death and the flesh and the world or we can arise and choose Him... and know that His goodness carries us through all things.. and that His grace is truly amazing....

I stand at a brink.... a crossroads... and  a beautiful people who love God and love each other.. and walk together are with me and before me and in front of me..... I have communities in my life again and people in my life again... I have the opportunity to walk forward with God and allow His perfect love to cast out fear.... I have the opportunity to not perform life or work or ministry but to live... to live this life that He has granted me and to follow Him to the places He brings me to.... 

The character.. Harry in the movie Four Feathers... leaves his post right on the brink of war....  and loses friends and loved ones.. and yet... goes after them...  He says at one point:

When something like this happens you are lost. You don't know who you are anymore and what you're capable of. Unless I do something this is always how people will remember me. A feather. And that is how I will always see myself: a coward. All I know is that I can't live with myself like this.

For me the words are slightly different... in different times and in different places I allowed my identity to get all wrapped up in what I did and what I belonged to... and in striving for selfish gain and personal ambition I watched as myself and others became capable of a lot....  And it has taken time... "When something like this happens you are lost.." And I was lost.... I was lost because I had allowed my truest of hearts to be covered by other things then God.... But in this journey.. in this not giving up .. in this continuation of walking....  I have overcome fear and am overcoming fear and what I knew that I had come to a place where I couldn't live with myself like that anymore God picked up the pieces and propelled me further into Him.... 

Where it ceases to be about anything else and becomes fully and solely about Him.....  Which it is always been about and will always be about...

You are courageous and bold.... You are not of those that shrink back... You are a child of the Most High God .. and He can heal your heart...... 

Eyes wide open and being opened even further still.. What a wonderful wonderful wonderful life

It is only God that could have me entitle something like this season as a wonderful life.. but I do.. not even tongue in cheek... not even thinking yeah right.... This season hasn't even turned the corner... there is still a list that includes daily life with 6 kids ...  moving houses.... planning conferences...  getting a son to more college visits than one could think possible...  and that list keeps going on and on .. dealing with changes in relationships and shifts in organization.... dealing with hard things.. busy things.. life.... stuff

But .. and that is a huge but....

There is more grace than I know what to do with.. there is more joy and more peace and more ...  because I have in the depths of my being chosen to believe that that which He says is true.. it is real.. it is strong...  and these things are so very temporary compared to Him

His delight pulls me into Him.. causes my eyes to arise and look towards Him and as I proceed through these days and this time I feel so much of the ways of the world falling off of me...

He invites us to die... He invites us to die so that we can live... what an invitation?!?!  As He spoke you must eat of my flesh and drink of my blood..basically you must partake in my death and suffering the crowds left... they had been fed.. they had seen the dead rise.. the sick be healed.. the lame walk but upon a saying like that the crowds left....

I don't even begin to think I comprehend the weight and majesty of Him and His sacrifice... but this invitation to death is beyond comprehension.. flies in the face of all of Western culture.. and yet stands true....  by faith... by love... the flow of our life becomes sweet as we step into His death .. His sacrifice.. His nature.. His character... and then... then all of this.. these days .. these times... they are seen for what they are...

My friend teaches around the passage where Jesus knew where He was from and He knew where He was going... He shared at one point about our oldest son who knows he wants to play football in college.. He knows where he is heading and so what does he do even when on a vacation... He finds a gym and works out.. why? Because he knows where he is going.. He knows what he wants ...

Well.. I am getting a clearer and clearer picture of what I want.. I want to be like when Jesus said two statements.. The ruler of this world comes but he has nothing in me and when you have seen me you have seen my Father..... That is where I am going.... and it isn't something I am preforming or trying to attain to in the flesh.. there is no striving after this.... This is the place where I have seen a small glimmer of who it is I am.. not who I want to be.. BUT who I am....  because of Jesus.... and I am knowing even more who it is that I have believed and I am standing convinced.. convinced that He is an amazing God and I am His and that which He says is true....

The moments that have filled my life these days have shown me that the Kingdom is real and that living as Jesus would is truly the best life .. death is sweet when His life is at the other end.. and letting go of things of this world .. not just stuff but mentalities.. especially mentalities..births open eyes that see life and people as He did... I will never be the same as I emerge from this pressure cooker season...  I have been awoken and spurred onto truth even more... the truth of His love and His passion....

The wellness of my soul rests upon Christ and Christ alone and in that place the beauty that erupts is powerful.. it is Kingdom.. it is of our Father.. and it is magnificent!!!

A Father ... Daughter.. moment .. to be savored forever...

The atmosphere in the room softened.. and was beautiful.. solid... a presence so divine and so majestic.. so other....

feeling like I would melt like wax and wanting to lower my eyes and become part of the floor I was astonished when I felt called to stand and not bow.....

The words to stand before Him as His daughter were intense... soft  like the most magnificent tones of a melodious lullaby and yet firm and strong like the grandest of mountains that fill the earth....  In these moments there is so much that no words could fully describe...  stunned and in awe and raptured by His beauty and kindness and generosity and strength and majesty... shaken but standing firm...

Father had filled the room with His presence and was beckoning me to come and sit and stand with Him as His daughter.... undone but held together I entered into these moments and could feel the reality of His presence upon my person and it was as if I was transformed into who it was I was always intentioned to be.. His ways tangible.. His love beyond palpable..

The atmosphere softened and while His presence was still tangible it was like I could breathe again... I hadn't realized I was even holding my breath.. swallowing hard I could feel my body become more relaxed... again His love filled the whole place and the brilliance of it all was beyond anything I had ever thought or imagined...

Then the air filled with a sound so full and so radiant that life just pulsated forth from every note.... "You want to know what the great and mighty things  you do not know are....When I ask my people to call to Me.. and tell them that  I will answer them , and I will tell them great and mighty things, which they  do not know. Do you want to know what those things are?"

Wide eyed and so silenced... I wasn't prepared to answer .. I just looked and watched and waited... and then in the moment... in the moments of Father and daughter being together... where time seemed stilled and everything else seemed to fall away... the words that dripped forth shook the room and vibrated throughout my being...

There was nothing simple about those two words He spoke... nothing lacking.... in them I understood the wealth that He meant and acknowledging them I knew I would never be the same..... "My love..."

The words were spoken and it was as if waking from a dream except I hadn't been sleeping.. becoming aware of my surroundings again.. feeling carpet under my feet again.. seeing the open door to my bedroom.. hearing my children playing... looking at the white walls.....

As I stood now trying to regain composure it was now the quiet voice of my Father that took over.. He had displayed Himself and now it was time to love on His girl... and as He spoke.. and spoke and spoke I could feel my heart transforming and my mind changing and my love for His people growing in ways that I had never thought of before....

When I used to read that passage in Jeremiah I wondered about all the magnificent secrets of the heavens and the earth and the mysteries and what great and mighty things God could tell me... and understanding that there are those things .. there are those mysteries... but to be exposed to the heart of God in such a manner as that event opened my eyes and my being to the depths of the heart of the matter...

Reading in Corinthians after these moments with God it caused me to reminiscence ...  If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. How true.... How very very very true....

In the moments after during the time He spoke in the gentlest of voices He spoke of how He is always always showing people great and mighty things that they do not know... He is always speaking His love.. He is always wooing .. Always pursuing... Always pouring forth His most magnificent love... using everything ... from the rising of the sun to its setting .. He is always speaking forth His compassion and His love .. and the mystery.. the excellence of this love being communicated and the power of it to change and affect and alter lives is beyond comprehension.. a love that knows no width .. no depth.. no height.. no length ... It is His love.. His love is the most great and mighty thing that people don't know... The power of His love .. the capacity of His love.. the beyond the scope of the imagination of what His love is and does and accomplishes is what people .. what I don't know.....

A love that sent God in the form of a baby into humanity to rescue .. to launch a whole new era upon creation .. a love that nothing can separate us from....

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And that is the most magnificent mystery of all..... His love....

Call to Him today and watch and wait as He shows you the greatest and most mighty thing that has or will ever exist...

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

not a dog ......

I sat in my friend's living room as he told the story...  we had been talking about ministry and Jesus and the heart beat of life in God as my friend began to retell a story he had been told......

A well known leader who has gone on to be with our God had been in a meeting... now I know not the scenario to which he spoke this ... I was only told that which he had said.... but coming forth out of this leader's  mouth were the words... that the people sitting at the table with him... his lead team.. his staff.....  were dogs pulling his sled and that he could get other dogs tomorrow....

My heart cringed not so much because I couldn't believe that any one given the right atmosphere or mentality  would say such a thing... my heart cringed at the thought that not one person sitting at that table rose up to leave.... again not knowing the scenario behind the comment and not having been in the room I really have no idea what was what....

But what really struck my heart was as my friend and I continued to converse... and I spoke that .. that I thought it sad that nobody would stand up at that moment and say that as a child of God I am nobody's dog....  to which my friend spoke of how people (and I understand this... truly I do) feel that around one like this man there is a special presence of God that wouldn't be around them if they were not around said man.....

This is no slight to those that are anointed of God... but the ideas that have been rattling around in my heart are those that are found in Philippians and in the gospels... and all over the New Testament... the passages that talk about the body... the verses that speak about the lesser parts getting more honor and that those walking in offices are not those to be served but they are called  to serve and serve and serve and serve until the whole body matures into the fullness....

These past months of pressure cooking living and watching a pruning upon my life unlike I have never really known has propelled me forward into more of the understanding that we as Israel want... desire... a king.... and yet the King of kings stands at the door.... we grab ahold of all the gods we see in our culture instead of standing being held by the One who is the Lord Most High..... we immerse ourselves in the pleasures and comforts of this world instead of allowing our souls to be comforted by the truest One called Comforter.....

I have seen mindsets ... mentalities... fall off of me as I have yearned to lay a hold of that which Christ has laid a hold of me..... it is becoming easier and easier to see with His eyes and allow my heart to comprehend His ways as He reveals them....

The understanding that it is in the maturity of the Body that fullness will dwell not the one or the two....  and the call to serve and not consider equality or superiority anything to be grasped must thrive in my heart beyond anything else....  Paul calls  talk that compares leaders  foolish and says who is Paul and who is Apollos... we are all servants of the Lord Most High...

But here's the deal as well... the Gospel was never meant to tantalize and entice... it roars into lives and brings life not meanders in allowing the recipient to pick and choose which parts will be adhered to.... 

I have found in this season in my life more growth towards being His daughter than in any other season... though other seasons have held more ecstatic experiences with God no season as ever held the amount of change.... the match upon this place has been to yield.. to yield to His ways.. to yield to His correction.. His discipline (only meaning to instruct and to teach) and His rebuke.... I have seen how thoroughly I am loved by the Lord as He has brought His calling upon my life to enter into the living and breathing place of daughter...  maturing as I walk side by side... as I lean and allow Him to carry ..... 

A peace beyond anything amidst a season of great activity has saturated my soul and I sit and I smile for I know that I am being transformed more and more into His likeness and while death isn't ever really pleasant... the smell of true life is beyond sweet....

The way I'm learning to see people .. truly see them... see their hearts.. their dreams.. their personhood... as beyond precious....   I wouldn't trade for anything.. His compassion wells up and to pour out my life daily upon my husband.. my children.. the community I am surrounded by... to look and see the goodness of the Lord in that land of the living and realize that there is so much beauty out there and to know that His greatest hearts desire is that people would know that they know that they know that they are loved and cherished by the very One who knew them intimately before the foundations of the earth were ever laid....

To this end I walk.... to grow.. to be pruned... to live... to breathe... to smile... to smile at the days to come because there is a wedding that is promised that is going to be so very grand..... so very grand indeed and when you know where it is you are destined to go then the obstacles don't look as intimidating as they once did and those giants that exist in the land will be subdued... and all will truly be well.......... 

Because I am really not a dog looking for crumbs from the table.. I am a child... a daughter.....  and His presence surrounds me and goes before me and crowns me with loving kindness... And His table is set before me in the presence of my enemies and His banquet table is grand and the banner over our lives is love...

Loving God... Loving each other....  What a beautiful life I get to live

How a Mexican resturant trumped any hospitality suite or green room...

It was at breakfast that I heard the words that would once again propel me into living a life that is more like Jesus... It was at breakfast that I watched within myself old paradigms of doing ministry fall to the ground... It was a breakfast that I learned more about Jesus and his ways...  And I found myself delighting in the Kingdom of God and how His ways are not our ways and they are higher and more beautiful and more true to the life I want to live every day...

But why was Breakfast so powerful?

It was because there was an opportunity that was laid out for many of us the evening prior at dinner and we missed it .....

It was the dinner before the last session of a conference and many were tired... we were all going to dinner together... attendees and speaker and event team.  I love this group that we get to do life and ministry with... the inclusive nature and expression of their lives grows me all the time.....   My past ministry experiences weighed heavily upon me as I sat across from a friend who was the one primarily ministering that weekend... I looked at him and saw he was tired... and in myself I thought .. this is why there are hospitality rooms.. this is why there needs to be a space for him to go and rest...

Directly next to him sat a precious woman who was attending the conference...  a woman who it is the most earnest prayers of my being that she comes into contact over and over and over and over again with the love of God....  My friend was tired and she was desiring a conversation and again my mind raced with all the possibilities... how to navigate the table.. how to this .. how to that... as he engaged in conversation ...

Then we were all done but not exactly.... we were all done but this one person wasn't except we didn't notice.... we were thinking of praying before the evening session... we were thinking of the evening session.. many other thoughts were upon my mind as well..  there were those still at the restaurant that  continued to engage and be with the woman ... But we had missed an opportunity......

That following morning sitting at the breakfast table.. my paradigm was going to pushed even further away from the ways and thoughts and opinions of man and I was going to flung further into the place that speaks life and notices the Zacchaeus' and the children and goes to their homes and doesn't shew them away...


That following morning I got further instruction into my heart how to see as Jesus sees... and have a heart that thinks and acts like Jesus would....  On the way to ministry Jesus would notice people.. even as those around Him wanted Him to hurry He would take the time... always taking the time.. .to see ... to know.. to see


As we processed through many things that happened that previous evening.. my friend spoke and he said that we needed to take a look at that scenario in the Mexican restaurant....  and how powerful of a message of love and acceptance and inclusion  would it have spoken into that one attendee's heart if we had noticed her and sat back down and spoken words of worth into her that she is worth the time ....  


It isn't the messages or ministry times that speak the loudest ... it is our lives.... it is our lives.. what we do day in and day out.. what we notice... how we live... what we partake in... do we shew the children away or do we take the time to sweep them into the presence of God....


Old things are falling away and the new is coming into me... and I couldn't be more grateful.. I am learning a new paradigm for leading and serving and ministry and the delight in my soul is that it looks more and more and more like Jesus...