Breaking the stigma

I keep hearing the phrase that those things that we aren't speaking are killing us.... I have heard it upon the wind of the atmosphere almost continually for weeks now... It has carried me forward upon its wings and propelled me to open my mouth... I have shared publicly within meetings and have now begun to write down portions of my journey I have never uttered before...

I share these things for those that walk similar roads and for those that walk those roads with them... I also share these things for all... for within us all is that fear .. that concern that we will be found out and if we are what then would be our lot.... Whether it is our proverbial darker side or events of past or present there are things we carry upon ourselves because of shame and the fear of humiliation that are causing us to suffocate and hindering us from soaring as sons and daughters of The Most High...

I long to be one who comes along and as in the words of Marianne Williamson (quoted by Nelson Mandela) “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

I have been liberated and in my freedom so desire to speak of things that aren't spoken of... desire to open up pathways for others to walk upon... Once having shrunk back from all that was my story I now place it in the hands of Father and will watch and wait upon Him...

So here is a new story.. one I have never written out before....

I remember the days before the diagnosis... I remember what they felt like... I remember driving around and around town because of a panic so deep inside that I couldn't breathe... I remember calling friends frantically trying to explain to someone that it didn't just feel like a bad day or a string of bad days... it felt like I was coming undone and couldn't stop the process....

I couldn't rest.. I couldn't pause... I was horrified by the frenzy and yet needed to keep going at all costs...

Some of the worst moments were yet to come....

What I remember of those days is only a portion... a part....

The first moments were in regards to a phone call... Hearing the words, “when we spoke earlier,” from a friend only brought confusion... Trying to cover up lack ( I didn't remember any earlier conversation) I tried to go with the flow but events were about to unfold that wouldn't be so easily covered up...

Standing in a grocery store with no recollection of how I got there or where exactly there was.. that sadly would happen all too often... Not the grocery store per se but places and locations.. once as far away from home as 8 hours.... Awakening from a daze or a state of confusion I would emerge and bewilderment and horror would set in... fear was a companion that would not let go...

Then there are the stories from the dearest of friends of how through a string of events... such as my then 3 year old not showing up for school... and phone calls among friends .. I would be discovered in bed unaware of surroundings with my sweet three year old playing by the side of my bed....that day I would come aware in the arms of a friend in the safety of her house....

Such was my life with a fractured soul.. mind... whatever you desire to call it..the big labels are scarier.. but carry no more or no less with them... I know the events that had left me in such a state and I knew the state that I was in … what no one could know was how it was going to all be played out.... Between the love and dedication of a few and with counseling we began to walk through territory that was uncharted … at least for us... unsure of length of time... I was in my early 30s.. would it be a life time... would it be years... what would be … my husband having to face the realities of his wife's mental capacity... four young children needing a mother to love and guide them... the reality of the brokenness was far reaching and scary.. the unknown large and overshadowing...

But One is so much larger and overshadows things that would overshadow.. within 9 months and through a set of miraculous events a transformation would occur that would even leave the Christian counselors looking in awe and potential disbelief....

But healed and more whole then I had ever known we emerged from the shadows of death....

What lingered was the shame... the humiliation... the horror of where I had been... the stigma of the labels....You don't have to had touched multiple personality disorders, or disassociative identity disorders to touch shame, humiliation, fear, the stigma of a label...

So I take my pebbles and I look at my giants upon a field where many an observer dare not tread and I go and face down stigma and label.... a dearest of friends once told me that as a child I had just been clever enough to find the counterfeit way to hide oneself in a safe place... but that the truth was there is a safe place so authentic and so magnificent that it shelters beyond anything anyone could ever even comprehend.... The Lord is my refuge I shall not fear....

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”

Psalm 91:2 “I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust!”

Deuteronomy 33:12“May the beloved of the LORD dwell in security by Him,
Who shields him all the day,And he dwells between His shoulders.”

These aren't sweet platitudes for me... they are that which has changed my life.... For I am His and He is mine and He so very much cares for me.....