All Things Taboo

She was in there. My daughter was in there. I couldn't much look at the building let alone enter it and see her...................... I took my wife's hand and gained strength from her as we walked away. We drove home in silence. We arrived home and I went into my office and sat down in my chair. Leaning back I ran my hands up over my face. Hunched over my desk I began to weep.

The doors closed behind me. It is funny how sometimes a "cage" can actually make one feel safe. That is what I felt..... safe. The doors closed and locked behind me. I was on Elizabeth Hall. I could breath. Elizabeth Hall exists within the buildings of a private psychiatric hospital. I didn't feel so much locked in as the rest of the world was locked out.

I had bought into the idea that there was a truth that must come out... that must be believed... and yet I had lied so much about so many things. It was easy for those who didn't want to hear the truth to just believe the lie ... that it was only just another lie of mine. Unfortunately for me I had locked myself into the notion that my life could only fully move on if and when those that I thought I needed to believe me chose to do so. I had crippled myself but couldn't undo it.

There was a sense of safety there for me. The pain of the past both recent and more removed was at the surface. The chapel there became my haven. I would go and sit on wooden benches and stare at the cross engraved within the stain glass window.

I had known Him. I had walked hand and hand with Him. How could I have gone so wrong? How could I have deviated so much? And so I would sit there... I would sit there and sing. Sing for hours. There were no prayers. Nothing I knew to say. So I would open my heart through song and sing.

Then the day came when as I sung I heard something behind me....... as I turned to see what the noise was I saw people sitting on the benches behind me and standing in the doorway. There was a hunger for him in all of us.... in different ways we all mourned something. And He was meeting us and bringing His comfort.

The truth did come out.... many truths did actually..... the truth that what I believed would be my salvation was false.... having heard the words of truth from the only one who could have spoken them in a believable fashion, my parents walked away convinced that somehow I was just a "sneaky child" and said so to my face.

It was a painful wakeup call but as I look back a necessary one.... I had to put to death my reliance on their understanding that all my difficulties, that all my failures... that they all weren't just my fault... that I wasn't just some completely messed up individual who purposefully thought up ways to hurt them....... my need for them and their acceptance of me had to be put to rest... and I needed to find a way to move forward into my life..

Years later I had come to town to spend some time with my mother. A time to try and mend the gap that had grown between us.... we had spent the whole weekend together and it had been the best time we had shared in a very long time.... We had enjoyed restaurants, shopping, each other in new ways... and yet had not spoken of things taboo.

Somehow we paused in the lobby prior to checking out... I don't fully remember why or how but a question was asked.. what I do remember is what I said: "I can answer any question that you can ask... there is nothing I won't say." Instead of checking out we took a seat in the lobby and hour after hour passed as we spoke of all things taboo........