There has been much upon my heart and my mind these days..... and as I head towards the 10th of December I have paused and paused and thought upon days gone by and I have stood like one at a cross roads.... The road before me undiscovered but I have come to it from the paths I have journeyed and as I stand here looking out upon it .. upon the unknown I change my direction and I look up and I look into His eyes and I take a hold of His hand and know within me who it is that leads me on.......
On Friday December 10th I will be sharing parts of my story (you can see the stirthewater.com/events website for the details) and there are many things upon my heart..... I have been feeling a wooing back to walk in things that I had laid aside... I had stepped away from ministry outside of my family ... putting first things first..... and yet in this new season I have been feeling this push and as I have begun to journey upon this road there are times I feel the rush of feeling the presence of the Lord as I prepare ... the strength of His assurances as I look towards Him for wisdom... the peace that only He can truly give.... and yet I journey this road slowly ... taking step by step... cherishing the tenderness of the Lord as He leads me on... He truly does lead us gently and sweetly and lovingly..... because He knows how we are made and He understands the depths of our inner most beings.....
I lived in a world of lack.... lacking a conscious .... lacking any true capacity to connect to another human being..... events had brought me there but there I lived.... lies, deceit, deception, darkness, despair shrouded my very existence and upon me they bore down and shattered my soul...... from that place I tried to journey into a world that I was utterly unprepared for and hit it like a brick wall.... if there was any further capacity to unravel it happened again and again until in the place of a human being there was nothing but a vapor..... living ... walking... nothingness... But there is one who journeys into places of great darkness and upon the scene of my life He walked bringing His magnificent light......
So many things had been said about me in regards to what my life wouldn't be... couldn't be..... and yet I stand in a place that calls those words to the ground and I live a life that shouts out a hope to the hopeless and screams out a freedom to the captive.......
I step back onto this path..... I know within my heart beats a roar and a passion for those whose lives know lack ... whose lives need to know the passions of a God whose greatest desire is for them and who hungers to pour out His love and compassion upon them.....
One of my favorite quotes is from the Lion King.... It is when Simba as a grown lion experiences the presence of his father.... and he is told.... "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me ...... You are more than what you have become ..... Remember who you are"
I know that I know that I know that when we catch a glimpse of all that the Father really is and grasp who we are in light of all that we will remember in the depths of who we are who it is we were always meant to be and we will step into a place as sons and daughters and we will shake the world.....
The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley;a it was full of bones. 2And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. 3And he said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?” And I answered, “O Lord GOD, you know.” 4Then he said to me, “Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. 5Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breathb to enter you, and you shall live. 6And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD.”
7So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling,c and the bones came together, bone to its bone. 8And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. 9Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.” 10So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.
Ezekiel 37......................................................................
An exceedingly great army..... people who know their God and will do incredible things in His name... because they know Him.... and they know who they are in Him and their passions and affections are undivided may we run towards that moment with all that is within us.......
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
The good... the bad... the real... the ugly.....
We had a home birth with Elizabeth, our sixth and last child. As I think back to that day and that time I truly cherish those moments and yet when the Lord drew my attention to them I knew what He was getting at and towards those wishes of His I wander this afternoon. Not well and as I reread this piece (after writing it) I somewhat shudder at the lack of coherence.....
There was a walk with Gregory in the early morning hours prior to Elizabeth entering into the world that evening and then a couple friends arrived and we went on a long walk all together.... I had been in labor off and on for three days and we were making every effort for this to be the last day.
As my thoughts were drawn back to that day there were two aspects that I know the Father was pointing at... as if arrows like those you find on road signs there were two big ones pointing at each of the specific moments He was wanting me to dwell upon......
The first one goes something along these lines.... People often remark at the choices I make towards vulnerability and transparency. And yet this morning I found myself feeling very convicted.... I share very openly in some areas of my life or my walk with the Lord and in others I am very quiet. Who isn't might be your question? Or my rationale has been under the guise of having good boundaries. In honesty maybe some of that is in effect or maybe it is hypocrisy on my part. Choosing here and there to be vulnerable and transparent all the while really hiding behind some artificial spirituality and only sharing the experiences and not the backside.... So I apologize..... because the backside is what is on the Father's heart..... It isn't that I have anything special that opens those doors of relationship with Him .. opens those experiences..... if anything it is quite the opposite......
Let me jump to the second arrow actually first and then come back to this..... Labor had fully kicked in and we were truly close to her birth. Yet as anyone who has been in that place can attest it is what it is and I was there..... when all of a sudden kneeling there upon my hands and knees I was elsewhere..... I was still semi aware of the room and the people but the pain was gone and I was surrounded by such a thick presence of the Lord that I was able to enter into a place of rest and peace that stunned me even while it was happening..... Even to this day what I remember is the clarity of peace that existed in those moments until I heard the Father speak... "you need to reengage." He was giving me a few moments to catch on but I knew He meant soon and then now...... I knew what reengaging would mean.... I knew what lay ahead of me and I so more than anything wanted to stay in that place but it was time .... I let go of where He was holding me still and as soon as I did my water broke and Elizabeth was born within minutes.....
I live in moments like those .... obviously not giving birth to a baby but moments when this world seems very other and all that I am is lost into another place...... those places and times and moments with the Father I feel very called to share..... I do believe part of what is on my life is to show how much we are truly loved and how great the affection of the Father is..... however there are several parts within this expression that I haven't shared...... Today I found myself asking a dear friend what her thoughts were concerning if I use that place with the Father as a crutch to get through daily living.... her words were beautiful back to me as she spoke of how Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing and that coming out of the wilderness there was only leaning... the wilderness taught leaning....... It was of great comfort to see things that way.......
And this is where I will insert the first "arrow" of sorts..... my friends came to me on the day that Elizabeth would be born to be with me and my family... to help cook and to help with the other kids ..... But instead of being able to just truly receive their love and generosity I walked that day in anxiety and fear.... not of the labor but of not wanting to be a burden... not wanting to take their time... concerned that what if all the labor again dwindled to nothing and they had spent all that time with me in vain..... and then later in the evening when some things began to happen that were making everyone a tad nervous I was truly concerned that I would waste the midwife's time if we called.... I know ... I know that is her job... and she knew what was happening.... but fear and doubt had taken over and I would have rather been alone and try and figure it out then be a burden ....... my knee jerk reaction in panic is to run and isolate......
I get lots of questions about how I walk with God and what I see and hear and experience..... and I can't answer those questions in hyper spiritual terms...... here is the truth... I lean ... I desperately lean... because if I didn't lean I wouldn't be able to walk.... I look daily towards the Father because if I don't see what it is He is doing than I don't necessarily know how to walk ....... Really? really? Yes, really..... there are huge gaps within my heart that when not aware of the Father and His ever completely present reality serve as tripping points where anxiety, loneliness, and fear can and do still reside......
Mary Magdalene is one of the biblical people I most relate to ..... Jesus' comment on coming for the sick and that those that are forgiven much love much are things I rest my head on.... it isn't because of some special calling or special gift or talent that I experience what I do or see or hear what I do... we are all God's children... As a Father it is His utmost desire to commune with His sons and daughters... PERIOD.... not one above another.... there are no favorites...except if to say we are all His favorite....
I guess here is the nuts and bolts of it... I criticize my lack of capacity to function in some areas of life... I look at the way this one thinks or that one manages and I wonder sometimes to myself and sometimes really often what is so wrong with me that I don't function that way most of the time..... and then I come to a place of gratitude (not always but often enough) where I realize that if any gift my past gave me it is the gift of leaning... from the moment of my salvation to the present without leaning I couldn't walk..... in my biggest stumbles it was because I was trying to walk without Him... thinking I could do any number of things alone..... So brokenness both past and present serve me well... they serve me as a reminder to lean... lean desperately.... apart from Him there is no good thing within me or anything else
.... So why do I see and hear and experience Him the way I do... I don't really know except to say that I'm broken.... desperately broken.... and in Him I find shelter in the highest and strongest of towers... and in my utter weaknesses He is strong.... and in His strength I find rest.... I truly know that there is no other place but Him and anything else is a crutch that crumbles under the weight... but not Him... never Him... as I lean He only grows more and stronger... so lean I will over and over and over again.......
There was a walk with Gregory in the early morning hours prior to Elizabeth entering into the world that evening and then a couple friends arrived and we went on a long walk all together.... I had been in labor off and on for three days and we were making every effort for this to be the last day.
As my thoughts were drawn back to that day there were two aspects that I know the Father was pointing at... as if arrows like those you find on road signs there were two big ones pointing at each of the specific moments He was wanting me to dwell upon......
The first one goes something along these lines.... People often remark at the choices I make towards vulnerability and transparency. And yet this morning I found myself feeling very convicted.... I share very openly in some areas of my life or my walk with the Lord and in others I am very quiet. Who isn't might be your question? Or my rationale has been under the guise of having good boundaries. In honesty maybe some of that is in effect or maybe it is hypocrisy on my part. Choosing here and there to be vulnerable and transparent all the while really hiding behind some artificial spirituality and only sharing the experiences and not the backside.... So I apologize..... because the backside is what is on the Father's heart..... It isn't that I have anything special that opens those doors of relationship with Him .. opens those experiences..... if anything it is quite the opposite......
Let me jump to the second arrow actually first and then come back to this..... Labor had fully kicked in and we were truly close to her birth. Yet as anyone who has been in that place can attest it is what it is and I was there..... when all of a sudden kneeling there upon my hands and knees I was elsewhere..... I was still semi aware of the room and the people but the pain was gone and I was surrounded by such a thick presence of the Lord that I was able to enter into a place of rest and peace that stunned me even while it was happening..... Even to this day what I remember is the clarity of peace that existed in those moments until I heard the Father speak... "you need to reengage." He was giving me a few moments to catch on but I knew He meant soon and then now...... I knew what reengaging would mean.... I knew what lay ahead of me and I so more than anything wanted to stay in that place but it was time .... I let go of where He was holding me still and as soon as I did my water broke and Elizabeth was born within minutes.....
I live in moments like those .... obviously not giving birth to a baby but moments when this world seems very other and all that I am is lost into another place...... those places and times and moments with the Father I feel very called to share..... I do believe part of what is on my life is to show how much we are truly loved and how great the affection of the Father is..... however there are several parts within this expression that I haven't shared...... Today I found myself asking a dear friend what her thoughts were concerning if I use that place with the Father as a crutch to get through daily living.... her words were beautiful back to me as she spoke of how Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing and that coming out of the wilderness there was only leaning... the wilderness taught leaning....... It was of great comfort to see things that way.......
And this is where I will insert the first "arrow" of sorts..... my friends came to me on the day that Elizabeth would be born to be with me and my family... to help cook and to help with the other kids ..... But instead of being able to just truly receive their love and generosity I walked that day in anxiety and fear.... not of the labor but of not wanting to be a burden... not wanting to take their time... concerned that what if all the labor again dwindled to nothing and they had spent all that time with me in vain..... and then later in the evening when some things began to happen that were making everyone a tad nervous I was truly concerned that I would waste the midwife's time if we called.... I know ... I know that is her job... and she knew what was happening.... but fear and doubt had taken over and I would have rather been alone and try and figure it out then be a burden ....... my knee jerk reaction in panic is to run and isolate......
I get lots of questions about how I walk with God and what I see and hear and experience..... and I can't answer those questions in hyper spiritual terms...... here is the truth... I lean ... I desperately lean... because if I didn't lean I wouldn't be able to walk.... I look daily towards the Father because if I don't see what it is He is doing than I don't necessarily know how to walk ....... Really? really? Yes, really..... there are huge gaps within my heart that when not aware of the Father and His ever completely present reality serve as tripping points where anxiety, loneliness, and fear can and do still reside......
Mary Magdalene is one of the biblical people I most relate to ..... Jesus' comment on coming for the sick and that those that are forgiven much love much are things I rest my head on.... it isn't because of some special calling or special gift or talent that I experience what I do or see or hear what I do... we are all God's children... As a Father it is His utmost desire to commune with His sons and daughters... PERIOD.... not one above another.... there are no favorites...except if to say we are all His favorite....
I guess here is the nuts and bolts of it... I criticize my lack of capacity to function in some areas of life... I look at the way this one thinks or that one manages and I wonder sometimes to myself and sometimes really often what is so wrong with me that I don't function that way most of the time..... and then I come to a place of gratitude (not always but often enough) where I realize that if any gift my past gave me it is the gift of leaning... from the moment of my salvation to the present without leaning I couldn't walk..... in my biggest stumbles it was because I was trying to walk without Him... thinking I could do any number of things alone..... So brokenness both past and present serve me well... they serve me as a reminder to lean... lean desperately.... apart from Him there is no good thing within me or anything else
.... So why do I see and hear and experience Him the way I do... I don't really know except to say that I'm broken.... desperately broken.... and in Him I find shelter in the highest and strongest of towers... and in my utter weaknesses He is strong.... and in His strength I find rest.... I truly know that there is no other place but Him and anything else is a crutch that crumbles under the weight... but not Him... never Him... as I lean He only grows more and stronger... so lean I will over and over and over again.......
Monday, November 22, 2010
it is through our smallest of actions not our grandest experiences that will draw people... it is our lives that speak... so what is our life saying?
They were all around... and I felt more at home in their presence than I had felt anywhere in the last few days..... standing both to my right and to my left they filled the area..... everything in me settled so quickly and I wondered about what the moment was truly about........
Then beyond anything I thought or imagined the clarity of His presence emerged and I was swept into a peace so real and so strong... I drank it in .... and breathed it in and allowed all that was happening to encase me in its reality.....
Within moments like this I come alive in a way that outside of those moments I just don't.... everything in me settles into His presence and as if through other eyes I see and all that is other disappears... This was different though and within all that was happening around me there was a message.....
I don't take for granted moments like these but I do expect them.... I expect them daily if not more frequent... what parent doesn't want to commune with their child and if that is so for the human heart how much more is it for the one who fathers so very perfectly.... and then it was clear.... that is what the moment was about.... that is what was on His heart.... communion .... to be with each other.... to father me and extend His Kingdom presence and authority over me.....
There are times I ache so desperately for the completeness of time .... there are times I just so yearn to not be separated any more with time and space..... there are more times than not that I just look into His eyes and long for the reality that will one day exist within all eternity..... and the pain of this separation at times grows so large that my breath is stolen away and I ache... and today... today I was shown through His presence and the words of a friend that it is His ache too...... that in walking and seeing and yearning for Him we can walk and see and feel that He yearns for us .... that He aches for us and the fullness of time ...... that the greatness of His father's heart is that He longs for His children in such a profound and powerful way....
Someone who I have immense respect for and completely value recently spoke about a concern that in his observations that people within the revelatory ministries end up caring more about ministry and gifting than they do about simply loving people....... the truth of what he spoke sat within the atmosphere and has lingered.... and today within a conversation with another dear friend a hunger in both of us manifested concerning the birthing of a people who could see and hear and know from their God but cared more for love and others than about whatever experience or gift or calling was operating.....
And within all that transpired today... from thoughts about previously spoken truths... to listening to words being spoken by a friend to allowing the Father to share His immense heart and emotions I sit here this evening and am more completely convinced of the fact that the most revelatory thing that anyone can do is to reveal that love that knows no depth, no length, no width, no breadth and to walk daily within that love that takes lives from darkness into the light...... it is through our smallest of actions not our grandest experiences that will draw people... it is our lives that speak... so what is our life saying?
Then beyond anything I thought or imagined the clarity of His presence emerged and I was swept into a peace so real and so strong... I drank it in .... and breathed it in and allowed all that was happening to encase me in its reality.....
Within moments like this I come alive in a way that outside of those moments I just don't.... everything in me settles into His presence and as if through other eyes I see and all that is other disappears... This was different though and within all that was happening around me there was a message.....
I don't take for granted moments like these but I do expect them.... I expect them daily if not more frequent... what parent doesn't want to commune with their child and if that is so for the human heart how much more is it for the one who fathers so very perfectly.... and then it was clear.... that is what the moment was about.... that is what was on His heart.... communion .... to be with each other.... to father me and extend His Kingdom presence and authority over me.....
There are times I ache so desperately for the completeness of time .... there are times I just so yearn to not be separated any more with time and space..... there are more times than not that I just look into His eyes and long for the reality that will one day exist within all eternity..... and the pain of this separation at times grows so large that my breath is stolen away and I ache... and today... today I was shown through His presence and the words of a friend that it is His ache too...... that in walking and seeing and yearning for Him we can walk and see and feel that He yearns for us .... that He aches for us and the fullness of time ...... that the greatness of His father's heart is that He longs for His children in such a profound and powerful way....
Someone who I have immense respect for and completely value recently spoke about a concern that in his observations that people within the revelatory ministries end up caring more about ministry and gifting than they do about simply loving people....... the truth of what he spoke sat within the atmosphere and has lingered.... and today within a conversation with another dear friend a hunger in both of us manifested concerning the birthing of a people who could see and hear and know from their God but cared more for love and others than about whatever experience or gift or calling was operating.....
And within all that transpired today... from thoughts about previously spoken truths... to listening to words being spoken by a friend to allowing the Father to share His immense heart and emotions I sit here this evening and am more completely convinced of the fact that the most revelatory thing that anyone can do is to reveal that love that knows no depth, no length, no width, no breadth and to walk daily within that love that takes lives from darkness into the light...... it is through our smallest of actions not our grandest experiences that will draw people... it is our lives that speak... so what is our life saying?
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Dark yet lovely and yet you say without spot or blemish
Moments and times when you come and open me are both awesome and terrifying. You pour in your light and expose that which still resides in my heart that is not of your nature. You open my heart up to receive from you.
You look at me and through that gaze I see depths of your compassion and levels of your love that were previously unknown to me. A beckoning of trust. A hungry call being sent forth from your heart.... A calling out to walk forward into a deeper love ..... A deeper trust.....
You have set the stage for this dive into deeper things. You have spent the time wooing my injured soul into a place of rest........ Into a place of release.
How can I look at you and not acknowledge your sweet kindnesses towards me? How can I gaze into those eyes and not get lost there? How can I not allow the understanding that though there are still shadows of death to walk through that you are the one who journeys with me through those valleys?
When other things would encroach upon me I see you rise up before I even cry out. How can I not acknowledge you as my all? My shelter, my tower, my refuge, my strength...........
You simply and profoundly are my undoing. And as I journey through weaknesses that scream out as if to humiliate I choose instead to acknowledge that in my weaknesses you are made strong and in your strength I come alive.
What can I speak but oh my Lord.... I live to love you and I am yours. Dark and lovely. Yet to you without spot or blemish. This waltz of love knows no end and I hunger for the day by the crystal sea when face to face we take our places and dance and dance and dance. I surrender all from this moment until that moment I surrender all.
You look at me and through that gaze I see depths of your compassion and levels of your love that were previously unknown to me. A beckoning of trust. A hungry call being sent forth from your heart.... A calling out to walk forward into a deeper love ..... A deeper trust.....
You have set the stage for this dive into deeper things. You have spent the time wooing my injured soul into a place of rest........ Into a place of release.
How can I look at you and not acknowledge your sweet kindnesses towards me? How can I gaze into those eyes and not get lost there? How can I not allow the understanding that though there are still shadows of death to walk through that you are the one who journeys with me through those valleys?
When other things would encroach upon me I see you rise up before I even cry out. How can I not acknowledge you as my all? My shelter, my tower, my refuge, my strength...........
You simply and profoundly are my undoing. And as I journey through weaknesses that scream out as if to humiliate I choose instead to acknowledge that in my weaknesses you are made strong and in your strength I come alive.
What can I speak but oh my Lord.... I live to love you and I am yours. Dark and lovely. Yet to you without spot or blemish. This waltz of love knows no end and I hunger for the day by the crystal sea when face to face we take our places and dance and dance and dance. I surrender all from this moment until that moment I surrender all.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Memory Roads and those yet to come
It has been an interesting day. Running the conference with one arm was a cake walk to caring for the kids with one arm. At one point in the day mainly out of sheer frustration I took the sling off and did more than I should have and am paying a price for that silliness tonight.
Oh well. Lesson learned. I am slowing down. Forced rest. Ok.
I have been resting tonight and as I have old Vineyard worship songs have played in my head.
These are some of the lyrics......
You came and opened me
Just like a window pane
You blew right into me
You gave me songs to sing
You gave me dancing feet
You made me come alive
Do You know how I love You so?
You are my summer's day
And sunlight on my skin
Stay here so close to me
Your beauty fills my eyes
So hear me when I say
You're everything to me
"How I Love You So"
I love listening to my pastor chat away about the traditions he has come from. They have stirred within me such a gratitude for those things the Lord planted in me during that first season of walking with Him.
I am .... I am so grateful for the strengths that were birthed into the core of my being. A passion for worship, a belief of body ministry, a core value for evangelism. There are aspects of all that I am that were forged by the passions of that movement for which I am very grateful.
As I journey down those memory roads I remember the days and times spent walking with Jesus in the back woods of a college I attended. I had been saved by a visitation so seeing him, walking with him, holding his hand, looking into those eyes were all I knew.
Before there was ministry there was Him. Before I even knew His name there He was showing Himself faithful because I had asked if He was real.
Today I have also started to process a major step of stepping back into some of the callings upon my life. I have thought about many roads I have traveled. Mistakes made. Amazing moments. Lessons learned. I don't know at all where the current road leads but I know who leads me down this current road and I'm ready to trust again.
These steps back are interesting ones and the whispers upon His heart for me tonight undo me to the core of all I am. "I am with you......" nothing else matters.
Moments past or present or future, traditions of men or personal mistakes all fade away in the light of the understanding that He is there and the gaze of His eyes burns off all fear.... Because held within that gaze is perfect love and fear knows it has no place when perfect love is present.
Oh well. Lesson learned. I am slowing down. Forced rest. Ok.
I have been resting tonight and as I have old Vineyard worship songs have played in my head.
These are some of the lyrics......
You came and opened me
Just like a window pane
You blew right into me
You gave me songs to sing
You gave me dancing feet
You made me come alive
Do You know how I love You so?
You are my summer's day
And sunlight on my skin
Stay here so close to me
Your beauty fills my eyes
So hear me when I say
You're everything to me
"How I Love You So"
I love listening to my pastor chat away about the traditions he has come from. They have stirred within me such a gratitude for those things the Lord planted in me during that first season of walking with Him.
I am .... I am so grateful for the strengths that were birthed into the core of my being. A passion for worship, a belief of body ministry, a core value for evangelism. There are aspects of all that I am that were forged by the passions of that movement for which I am very grateful.
As I journey down those memory roads I remember the days and times spent walking with Jesus in the back woods of a college I attended. I had been saved by a visitation so seeing him, walking with him, holding his hand, looking into those eyes were all I knew.
Before there was ministry there was Him. Before I even knew His name there He was showing Himself faithful because I had asked if He was real.
Today I have also started to process a major step of stepping back into some of the callings upon my life. I have thought about many roads I have traveled. Mistakes made. Amazing moments. Lessons learned. I don't know at all where the current road leads but I know who leads me down this current road and I'm ready to trust again.
These steps back are interesting ones and the whispers upon His heart for me tonight undo me to the core of all I am. "I am with you......" nothing else matters.
Moments past or present or future, traditions of men or personal mistakes all fade away in the light of the understanding that He is there and the gaze of His eyes burns off all fear.... Because held within that gaze is perfect love and fear knows it has no place when perfect love is present.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
What is that sound... perhaps it is a barbaric yawp
It takes courage to see ... what's the difference between ones like the spies who screamed we can take the land versus the ones who saw the giants..... what is the difference between people like Rosa Parks and others who just live where they are told...
I don't think it isn't that the fear isn't there.... I think that the dream and the hunger is bigger..... I can't live a metered out existence.... I can't live safe anymore... I would rather be rejected for being me than for being some watered down version that I don't recognize ....... There isn't another who lives the expression that I can or you can..... and the saddest aspect of that is that if it isn't lived to the fullest then that expression is lost....
So I will spend my days attempting with all my heart to live that expression ... and I will put myself out there time and time and time again... and I will become more and more and more of who I was always meant to be...... with intentionality and purpose and determination.... I just can't live any other way...
One of my favorite movies of all times.... Dead Poets Society holds within it some of my most favorite quotes....
Keating: Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular. Even though the heard may go " That's bad." Robert Frost said, " Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." I want you to find your own walk right now, your own way of striding, pacing: any direction, anything you want. Whether it's proud or silly. Anything. Gentlemen, the courtyard is yours. You don't have to perform. Just make it for yourself. Mr. Dalton, will you be joining us?
Charles: Exercising the right not to walk.
Keating: Thank you, Mr. Dalton. You just illustrated the point.
that is one of my favorite scenes... walk don't walk... run.. jump... linger.... just to be daily what I was created to be in that day is something I hunger for ... I want to silence fear's voice in my head... you see it isn't that I don't hear the doubt I just want to give it room......
Lastly... the quote that stands upon my heart and made me more of the me I am
Keating: A man is not "very tired". He is exhausted. Don't use "very sad." Use, come on Mr. Overstreet, you twerp.
Knox: Morose?
Keating: Exactly. "Morose."
Words are powerful.... use them well.... articulate that which is upon your life and your heart as to inspire ... describe.... take time.... find the best word.....
I enter this day and only long that I will live it honestly before God and man........... honestly being myself through whatever circumstances come my way... and at the end of the day no matter what to have lived and known that true expression that God put into me is worth whatever disappointment, rejection or sadness or joy or delight or hysterical moment that the day did hold.....
I don't think it isn't that the fear isn't there.... I think that the dream and the hunger is bigger..... I can't live a metered out existence.... I can't live safe anymore... I would rather be rejected for being me than for being some watered down version that I don't recognize ....... There isn't another who lives the expression that I can or you can..... and the saddest aspect of that is that if it isn't lived to the fullest then that expression is lost....
So I will spend my days attempting with all my heart to live that expression ... and I will put myself out there time and time and time again... and I will become more and more and more of who I was always meant to be...... with intentionality and purpose and determination.... I just can't live any other way...
One of my favorite movies of all times.... Dead Poets Society holds within it some of my most favorite quotes....
Keating: Now we all have a great need for acceptance, but you must trust that your beliefs are unique, your own, even though others may think them odd or unpopular. Even though the heard may go " That's bad." Robert Frost said, " Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference." I want you to find your own walk right now, your own way of striding, pacing: any direction, anything you want. Whether it's proud or silly. Anything. Gentlemen, the courtyard is yours. You don't have to perform. Just make it for yourself. Mr. Dalton, will you be joining us?
Charles: Exercising the right not to walk.
Keating: Thank you, Mr. Dalton. You just illustrated the point.
that is one of my favorite scenes... walk don't walk... run.. jump... linger.... just to be daily what I was created to be in that day is something I hunger for ... I want to silence fear's voice in my head... you see it isn't that I don't hear the doubt I just want to give it room......
Lastly... the quote that stands upon my heart and made me more of the me I am
Keating: A man is not "very tired". He is exhausted. Don't use "very sad." Use, come on Mr. Overstreet, you twerp.
Knox: Morose?
Keating: Exactly. "Morose."
Words are powerful.... use them well.... articulate that which is upon your life and your heart as to inspire ... describe.... take time.... find the best word.....
I enter this day and only long that I will live it honestly before God and man........... honestly being myself through whatever circumstances come my way... and at the end of the day no matter what to have lived and known that true expression that God put into me is worth whatever disappointment, rejection or sadness or joy or delight or hysterical moment that the day did hold.....
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
an addendum
An addendum to yesterday......
If I could ever be more convinced that it is of vital importance to lay one self bare before the Lord it would be within the moments of these last two days.....
For over a week the Father had been wanting me to ask Him for something..... it was as if I could ask Him for anything... it was blanket question.... but I know that the offer in its sincerity was more about getting to my heart.... He is the most masterful of heart surgeons you know.....
He began to show me an area where He wanted to touch... the reason in His heart was there was something between He and I... a fear.... and He is always wanting to and longing to remove any hindrance between Himself and His people... He is jealous like that in His absolute passion for us......
So yesterday .... yesterday... oh my...... ever so glad yesterday is yesterday BUT having said that... yesterday we journeyed together onto roads that needed His touch...... Laying bare my heart before the one who knit it together allowing Him with choices of my will full access into anything He wanted .....
There are moments I am brought to a place of awe struck awareness of the reality of who He is and the day to day reality of His kingdom's existence and reign here on Earth.....
His capacity to love us individually is a powerful thing.... the fact that He knows each of us so intimately and is passionate and affectionate towards us each one of us... is truly outstanding...... He is the most lovely of Fathers and the most dearest of friends...... and He gives the most perfect gifts......
Today I sit in the shadow of the reality of the answer to His beckoning..... not a profound request did I make upon Him but one of the heart....... and the words.... the heart longing weren't allowed to exist outside of me but He answered........
There aren't secrets here with me..... while at times I cringe at the things that He asks me to share... I understand my life is not my own and He won't ask of me needlessly .... so what did I ask.... I asked for a dream.... but you see there is a love language there between He and I and He understands that... and in the moments before awakening He brought the most incredible reassurance of His love through a wood working teacher in a school in a scene in a dream..... hhhhmmmmmmmm ... He is truly brilliant ... and within those moments spent ... upon that scene that was already answering the very thing I had asked..... two individuals walked into the room where I stood with that wood working teacher and they knew my name ....
While the tale of that dream might seem ho hum to you... know that it touched the very deepest parts of my heart... and while one might say if the Father was really beckoning to you to be able to ask for anything why would you ask for something so slight.... and my response would be this .... One thing I have asked of the Lord and that is that I would be known of Him and that I would dwell in the house of my Lord all the days of my life.... and so I asked for the one thing that lives within the deepest desires of my heart daily... and the request wasn't in the air but a moment truly before He answered it in a way that only the most amazing of Father's wouuld.....
Our God is great..... (period)
If I could ever be more convinced that it is of vital importance to lay one self bare before the Lord it would be within the moments of these last two days.....
For over a week the Father had been wanting me to ask Him for something..... it was as if I could ask Him for anything... it was blanket question.... but I know that the offer in its sincerity was more about getting to my heart.... He is the most masterful of heart surgeons you know.....
He began to show me an area where He wanted to touch... the reason in His heart was there was something between He and I... a fear.... and He is always wanting to and longing to remove any hindrance between Himself and His people... He is jealous like that in His absolute passion for us......
So yesterday .... yesterday... oh my...... ever so glad yesterday is yesterday BUT having said that... yesterday we journeyed together onto roads that needed His touch...... Laying bare my heart before the one who knit it together allowing Him with choices of my will full access into anything He wanted .....
There are moments I am brought to a place of awe struck awareness of the reality of who He is and the day to day reality of His kingdom's existence and reign here on Earth.....
His capacity to love us individually is a powerful thing.... the fact that He knows each of us so intimately and is passionate and affectionate towards us each one of us... is truly outstanding...... He is the most lovely of Fathers and the most dearest of friends...... and He gives the most perfect gifts......
Today I sit in the shadow of the reality of the answer to His beckoning..... not a profound request did I make upon Him but one of the heart....... and the words.... the heart longing weren't allowed to exist outside of me but He answered........
There aren't secrets here with me..... while at times I cringe at the things that He asks me to share... I understand my life is not my own and He won't ask of me needlessly .... so what did I ask.... I asked for a dream.... but you see there is a love language there between He and I and He understands that... and in the moments before awakening He brought the most incredible reassurance of His love through a wood working teacher in a school in a scene in a dream..... hhhhmmmmmmmm ... He is truly brilliant ... and within those moments spent ... upon that scene that was already answering the very thing I had asked..... two individuals walked into the room where I stood with that wood working teacher and they knew my name ....
While the tale of that dream might seem ho hum to you... know that it touched the very deepest parts of my heart... and while one might say if the Father was really beckoning to you to be able to ask for anything why would you ask for something so slight.... and my response would be this .... One thing I have asked of the Lord and that is that I would be known of Him and that I would dwell in the house of my Lord all the days of my life.... and so I asked for the one thing that lives within the deepest desires of my heart daily... and the request wasn't in the air but a moment truly before He answered it in a way that only the most amazing of Father's wouuld.....
Our God is great..... (period)
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