Saturday, March 9, 2013

Just Pedal



This was the second one.............................................................................


At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping
track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether
I merited heaven, or hell when I die. He was out there,
sort of like a president. I recognized His picture
when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though
life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem
bike. and I noticed that Christ was in the back
helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we
changed places, but life has not been the same since.
When I had control. I knew the way. It was rather boring,
but predictable...It was the shortest distance
between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long
cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at
breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang
on! Even though it looked like madness, He said,
 "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are
you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I
started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and
entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm
scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed,
 gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me
their gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine.
And we were off again.

He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage,
too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and
I found that in giving I received, and still our burden
was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life.
I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets,
knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, jumps
to clear high rocks, fly to shorten scary passages.
 
 I am learning to shut up and pedal in the
strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the cool
breeze on my face with my delightful
constant companion, Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,
He smiles and says...

" Just Pedal."

The Ragman...by Walter Wangerin, Jr.


There were two poems, stories that filled out the early days of my knowing Christ... This was one of them...



I saw a strange sight. I stumbled upon a story most strange, like nothing my life, my street sense, my sly tongue had ever prepared me for.
Hush, child. Hush, now, and I will tell it to you.
Even before the dawn one Friday morning I noticed a young man, handsome and strong, walking the alleys of our City. He was pulling an old cart filled with clothes both bright and new, and he was calling in a clear, tenor voice: “Rags!” Ah, the air was foul and the first light filthy to be crossed by such sweet music.
“Rags! New rags for old! I take your tired rags! Rags!”
“Now, this is a wonder,” I thought to myself, for the man stood six-feet-four, and his arms were like tree limbs, hard and muscular, and his eyes flashed intelligence. Could he find no better job than this, to be a ragman in the inner city?
I followed him. My curiosity drove me. And I wasn’t disappointed.
Soon the Ragman saw a woman sitting on her back porch. She was sobbing into a handkerchief, sighing, and shedding a thousand tears. Her knees and elbows made a sad X. Her shoulders shook. Her heart was breaking.
The Ragman stopped his cart. Quietly, he walked to the woman, stepping round tin cans, dead toys, and Pampers.
“Give me your rag,” he said so gently, “and I’ll give you another.”
He slipped the handkerchief from her eyes. She looked up, and he laid across her palm a linen cloth so clean and new that it shined. She blinked from the gift to the giver.
Then, as he began to pull his cart again, the Ragman did a strange thing: he put her stained handkerchief to his own face; and then HE began to weep, to sob as grievously as she had done, his shoulders shaking. Yet she was left without a tear.
“This IS a wonder,” I breathed to myself, and I followed the sobbing Ragman like a child who cannot turn away from mystery.
“Rags! Rags! New rags for old!”
In a little while, when the sky showed grey behind the rooftops and I could see the shredded curtains hanging out black windows, the Ragman came upon a girl whose head was wrapped in a bandage, whose eyes were empty. Blood soaked her bandage. A single line of blood ran down her cheek.
Now the tall Ragman looked upon this child with pity, and he drew a lovely yellow bonnet from his cart.
“Give me your rag,” he said, tracing his own line on her cheek, “and I’ll give you mine.”
The child could only gaze at him while he loosened the bandage, removed it, and tied it to his own head. The bonnet he set on hers. And I gasped at what I saw: for with the bandage went the wound! Against his brow it ran a darker, more substantial blood – his own!
“Rags! Rags! I take old rags!” cried the sobbing, bleeding, strong, intelligent Ragman.
The sun hurt both the sky, now, and my eyes; the Ragman seemed more and more to hurry.
“Are you going to work?” he asked a man who leaned against a telephone pole. The man shook his head.
The Ragman pressed him: “Do you have a job?”
“Are you crazy?” sneered the other. He pulled away from the pole, revealing the right sleeve of his jacket – flat, the cuff stuffed into the pocket. He had no arm.
“So,” said the Ragman. “Give me your jacket, and I’ll give you mine.”
Such quiet authority in his voice!
The one-armed man took off his jacket. So did the Ragman – and I trembled at what I saw: for the Ragman’s arm stayed in its sleeve, and when the other put it on he had two good arms, thick as tree limbs; but the Ragman had only one.
“Go to work,” he said.
After that he found a drunk, lying unconscious beneath an army blanket, and old man, hunched, wizened, and sick. He took that blanket and wrapped it round himself, but for the drunk he left new clothes.
And now I had to run to keep up with the Ragman. Though he was weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding freely at the forehead, pulling his cart with one arm, stumbling for drunkenness, falling again and again, exhausted, old, old, and sick, yet he went with terrible speed. On spider’s legs he skittered through the alleys of the City, this mile and the next, until he came to its limits, and then he rushed beyond.
I wept to see the change in this man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And yet I needed to see where he was going in such haste, perhaps to know what drove him so.
The little old Ragman – he came to a landfill. He came to the garbage pits. And then I wanted to help him in what he did, but I hung back, hiding. He climbed a hill. With tormented labor he cleared a little space on that hill. Then he sighed. He lay down. He pillowed his head on a handkerchief and a jacket. He covered his bones with an army blanket. And he died.
Oh, how I cried to witness that death! I slumped in a junked car and wailed and mourned as one who has no hope – because I had come to love the Ragman. Every other face had faded in the wonder of this man, and I cherished him; but he died. I sobbed myself to sleep.
I did not know – how could I know? – that I slept through Friday night and Saturday and its night, too.
But then, on Sunday morning, I was wakened by a violence.
Light – pure, hard, demanding light – slammed against my sour face, and I blinked, and I looked, and I saw the last and the first wonder of all. There was the Ragman, folding the blanket most carefully, a scar on his forehead, but alive! And, besides that, healthy! There was no sign of sorrow nor of age, and all the rags that he had gathered shined for cleanliness.
Well, then I lowered my head and trembling for all that I had seen, I myself walked up to the Ragman. I told him my name with shame, for I was a sorry figure next to him. Then I took off all my clothes in that place, and I said to him with dear yearning in my voice: “Dress me.”
He dressed me. My Lord, he put new rags on me, and I am a wonder beside him. The Ragman, the Ragman, the Christ!


Read more: http://www.inspirationalarchive.com/573/ragman/#ixzz2N6PFHZbF

A name... Kate. A promise... the two yet to come.... A fulfillment of promises...





 Before there were pictures... before there were giggles... before there were six feet and six hands, before there were three little girls that blessed the socks off two different  families... there were promises...

The other day I couldn't stop thinking of my dear friend, Danielle.  She had one name, Kate.  A name and a dream. Not even a picture, not even a face... a feeling... a feeling of adoption pulled at my friend's heart.  A feeling and a name.  Kate.

We would have had four children in a little over five years, the youngest of which at the time was barely 3 months old.  A friend who walks in profound revelation stepped into praying for me, a man who doesn't believe in lightly prophesying children, marriages, or geographical changes would look at me and begin to pray.

He would stand there and pray for two of our children, blessing their lives and then he would speak into the other two children, blessings their lives....  Then, then he would take a deep breath.  He would take a deep breath and look at me.  He would look at me, pause  and prophecy "for those yet to come... for the two yet to come..."

We had four children five and under... those words were not the words I wanted to hear...  But they were heard and registered.

Danielle and her family stepped into the process of adoption.  Believing they were hearing from God. They had a name and a dream and they faced obstacles but held onto that which they felt was planted within their hearts.  I remember back to those days when she would talk about the name, Kate.  When she would share her dreams with me, how I couldn't hear her heart without feeling so deeply and so profoundly that Heaven was touching earth and touching this family.

They would end up with not just Kate... The would receive a double portion!  Kate and Hannah... Twin sisters from Ethiopia would be added to this precious family.  A name would have a face, a child would have a family.   Promises fulfilled beyond what they had thought.

We would walk six years.  Our oldest at the time was going to be entering middle school, our youngest at the time was going to be entering Kindergarten.  An ache... a readiness ... a knowing...  it was time... The two yet to come...

Except the understanding that the more specific the revelation is the more you are going to need it was about to be walked out within our family.  I often tell people take the vague words.. the vague words will happen.  It is the very specific words that people think they want that are truly the harder ones to receive.  The more specific the revelation ... the more you are going to need to know that God spoke.  The more you are going to need to know that He spoke clearly and the more you are going to have to hold onto that hope and that revelation with all that is within you.

We would get pregnant.. we would lose our daughter.. the first miscarriage...  Yet then we would be gifted with our sweet Gregory and life would once again enter our home in the form of an amazing tiny package weighing in at under 5 pounds.  We wanted him to have a sibling close in age.  The fulfillment of the two yet to come was upon us and we were full of  anticipation.

Except in between Gregory and Elizabeth would be three miscarriages.  To not be too overly disclosing but to let you into our hearts.... when it come time to consider getting pregnant again I wept.  I held out the promise to the Lord.. "But you said "the two yet to come.""  That would be the cry of my heart.  And I would weep on the night when we would consider getting pregnant again, on the night she would actually be conceived, because the thought of loss one more time was more than my heart could bare.

A name... Kate.  A promise... the two yet to come....  A fulfillment of promises...  Beyond what anyone of us could have ever hoped to think or imagine... Three amazing girls standing in a room playing rock band... dancing and singing away... Each one a miracle... Each one a promise held.. Each one a hope fulfilled.

I will cry to God Most High, To God who accomplishes all things for me.  Psalm 57:2

Friday, March 8, 2013

I don't walk so proudly now....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptiXfr5lJl8


Watch this clip....  It is one that some of my dearest friends and I quote,  this movie, The Four Feathers, is precious to us....  We learned that to watch one another's backs amidst crazy situations was actually more important than anything else.  We learned it wasn't position or ministry or gifting that linked us... we saw  our pride... we saw our down fall and we learned....  Sometimes harder than others....


"I don't walk so proudly on the earth..."  Starting off in ministry ... starting off in life ... it is easy at times to think you can conquer the world, or be the next whatever....

Except as in another scene when one of the characters speaks these words...

You may be lost, but you are not forgotten. For those who have travelled far, to fight in foreign lands, know that the soldier's greatest comfort is to have his friends close at hand. In the heat of battle it ceases to be an idea for which we fight. Or a flag. Rather we fight for the man on our left, and we fight for the man on our right. And when armies are scattered and the empires fall away, all that remains is the memory of those precious moments that we spent sided by side. 


Because we were put across one another's paths... In a time and in a season we saw amazing things but we learned even more amazing lessons... We learned what happens when we don't prefer one another... we learned what clanging gongs sound  like when the power and gifts of God are used without love....  we saw what it was like to not prefer one another and we watched the carnage of it affect both us and our friends...  We saw it all around us..  the echos of which we still see upon some of our friend's lives...

The lessons I learned... The lessons we learned... was that that which we thought we all wanted was not at all what would serve us best... and we learned to cherish one another because of the cost of not doing so was beyond anything we would ever ever want to pay ever again....

We learned to live anything but 1 Corinthians was foolishness... we learned to not walk so proudly upon the earth....

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part;but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.

How Downton Abby taught me I really do want to be a daughter ...

OK.... Yup... I love that show.  Maybe for a slightly different reason then most but I love it none the less.

I am a very visual person.  Pictures to me do actually speak more than a thousand words.

So this show, Downton Abby,  I started watching it and before the first episode was done I was in tears.  Not because of the drama or anything going on but because as I watched I heard my Father's voice and it landed upon my heart in ways that only He can speak and act and move.

As I watched the social levels play out within the house, as I listened to  the dialogue about where certain servants were allowed to go and others couldn't, when I watched how some were treated and some had more privileges than others, and then I saw the daughters.  I watched the workers and then I watched the daughters.

Now I'm not speaking to their actions or the things the writers have these characters saying,  I am speaking to the dynamics of the household.  And I am not speaking to the time period's historical portrayal of women and what they were allowed to do or not do.

I am speaking to the fact of being a daughter within the household and how that landed upon my heart.

The different scenarios they walk through landed upon me and pushed into my being a visual discovery.

I love when Jesus speaks of, "In my Father's house...."    I love the reality of my Father and where it is He abides.

I am growing more and more into the reality of what it means to be a daughter of my Heavenly Father.. and on the days when it is clear there is nothing that can interrupt me nor sway me from knowing His affections.  On the days when it is not so clear, on the days where I am allowing circumstances and situations to dictate a different reality to my heart then I have to see how I am acting and what I am believing.

On those days I am acting like the worker/servant who can't walk into the room if the family is there, I am acting like the servant who has to stay beneath the living spaces never to be seen by the family, I am retreating and working for my position, not living it.. not fully living it as a daughter..

Yeah.. it might be a bit much to equate being a daughter of the King of kings to fictional characters in a modern day drama of years gone by, but there are some visual cues that show has given me to take notice of if I'm acting like a worker/servant/indentured help  or am I living as a daughter...

The beauty and attention to detail and specific care of each item, character, room...  only serves to strengthen my heart into the reality of how thoroughly my Father's eyes are upon me, how thoroughly He plans for me, how thoroughly His I am  as a daughter, I belong to Him, to His house, to His ways...

That is my role upon the earth... that is my truest calling in this life...  To BE His.. To BE a daughter... His daughter... nothing more for there isn't anything more...  The daughter to the King of kings and Lord of lords.. it truly doesn't get much better than that... So uhm what does your dad do?  Yeah.. my dad called  the earth into being in  6 days.. how about you?

Being a daughter is pretty amazing.

Thanks Downton Abby for the visual.....



Thursday, March 7, 2013

Understanding the things I couldn't do... and understanding the things I could...

In a season where I was at least aware enough to know things were bad, I did this...

I wanted the family I had, I wanted the man I was married to, I wanted a life....  I didn't want the sentence of maybe 2-5 years and I would at least be more able to function daily.  I wanted to live.  I didn't want the lack of conscience or difficulty with attachment or the minimum capacity to feel remorse to win.

I wanted to live.  I had lost so much of life already, I didn't want to lose anymore of the present and certainly not the future.  I didn't know how to break free from all that entangled me but I wanted to more than anything else.

So I prayed.  I entered into a conversation with God and I simply said that I put a "yes" before Him.  That even in the days when I would be saying "no" to the hard road that was in front of me, I told Him I wanted Him.  I wanted whatever it would take.  I wanted to enjoy life, I wanted to live with my kids and my husband, I wanted Him.

I put a "yes" before Him.  In my mind I was laying down my will  to His no matter what the cost. I was willing to look at whatever I needed to, be told whatever I needed to hear and do whatever needed to be done.

I was desperate.  Seriously there wasn't another viable option.  Maybe for me that is what it took.

There were things out of my control.  There are still things out of my control.  There are days I handle that well and there are days where I don't.  So how do I live understanding the things I couldn't do and understanding the things I could...

Here's a few things that in the hardest of times jumped started a life and here are a few things that keep that life going....


On a recent weekend that was proving to be full of difficulty and sadness I took our two youngest kids to the park,  I placed our four year old on my lap and put my six year old on the swing next to me... and we rode those swings and giggled until my legs and my ribs hurt.

The circumstances didn't change but I did. I couldn't change the circumstances. So I changed me and loved on my kids.  We laughed until it hurt.  It was in the simplicity of those moments where we lived. We can live.  I can't dictate or determine what life will be but I can live.

There are days I listen well to the language of love and its ways and there are days my heart hurts and my ears fall deaf to the words that under gird me and keep me strong.  I think back to the days when I put a "yes" before His throne.  It wasn't a "yes" but it needs to happen this way, or that... it was a "yes."  It was a plea.  It was a cry that said I don't have 2-5 years to lose please help.  I want to live.

Going back to that simple declaration help me on the days where the circumstances and situations what me to feel their roar.  I wanted to live.  I wanted to love. I wanted to laugh.

There are many things I can't do anything about,  but today... today.. I am alive.. I can live...  Today I can choose to love whether it be stranger, friend, or child.  Today I can tilt my head back look up into the Carolina blue sky and laugh.  Why?  Simply because I can.

Learning that in joy I find strength, learning that the torment and the agony of mental pressure that filled my days is but an echo ... a remembrance... a place where I set a marker up and say from that place I have journeyed forward.

Whether that marker is from the day and times that resound forth being knit back together and dry bones walking, or that marker is from yesterday when tired and sad I was held up by friends... I set markers along the way to remind me that I am not ever left alone, that God is the lifter of my head, and that the echos of laughter surround my days both past and present.

When all is said and done I want my journey to be full with the reality of a life lived.  I understand that there are days I need to remind myself of that, and go get on a swing, or hold a pudgy toddler's hand, or sit and take the moments I get to talk to my older children.  Each moment holds within it the capacity for joy, finding that joy is the discovery.








Wednesday, March 6, 2013

If you can't say it .... Whisper it.. but please don't keep it in...

I remember the first time I wrote the words on paper about being sexually abused by a relative, I remember writing it down in such a way that when I looked upon the words I took a black sharpie and scribbled over and over and over it until the whole journal was a blackened mess.

I remember the first time I opened my mouth and shared the story of my life to a girl in college on the night before I was leaving University upon the demand of the Dean of Students.  Well, he gave me the option of a curfew or I could leave.  I choose to leave.

From the moment I told that girl to the next moment I would speak about anything in regards to the truth of my past would be almost two years.  Then I would be called a liar and it was too easy for my family to believe, as I had lied so very much about all things.

That was over two decades ago.

I remember the first time I stood at a conference and talked in front of hundreds of people and shared about how I had been healed from mental illness and the trauma of abuse.  Shared about a God who cares so very much for my soul.  Shared about the One who delivered the Gerasene Demoniac, who called forth to life a pile of dry bones, who healed sickness and disease and filled the hurting with hope.

It is interesting for me to think upon my story.  In a moment, in the most beautiful and powerful moments of my life, my Lord did heal my mind. In a moment, in the most miraculous and astonishing displays of love and power and redemption one whose mind had divided and divided and divided was made whole.  Having separated myself through disassociation, I had given way to schizophrenia and I lived lost within myself.  On one night, in one moment.. He healed my mind.

I will remember for all times what it felt like in that moment.  For the first moment in my life to feel different inside my head.  There aren't the words to fully express what that moment was like and how thoroughly it coursed through me and blazed new trails before me that I could walk upon.  It would be a few more years until the shame of the past would follow suit and I would openly talk about what it felt like to be mentally ill and then to be healed.

That moment was and still is forever upon me.  I am not the person I was before the moments that one night when Jesus took my  hand and liken unto the Gerasene Demoniac set my mind right.

That moment was true and fabulous and magnificent.  And now I walk  not as a pile of dry bones but being a member of an exceedingly great  army.  Ezekiel 37:10  and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

The thing about my story though is also liken to the Gerasene Demoniac.  While I follow Jesus I was left to then live my life out within community, within family.  Daily live my life out.  I was made whole and complete and then  He taught me how to live.  

Some days are better than others.  Some days are really hard.  Some days are full of grace and some days I cling to what the remembrances of grace were...  some days truth is easy to touch and sometimes lies scream a reality that is hard not to...  But always... always and forever I know so thoroughly my redeemer lives.  

He has given me a life no one thought I would live and upon the days where living that life is hard, the journey more steep than I think I can manage,  I remember the night the stars sung their songs and the one who knit me together in my mother's womb, reknit me together in places so vast and amazing.

I need to remember that One.  I need to remember Him daily.  Walk with Him daily.  Hold His hand, lean on His strength, listen to His heart beat daily.

I sit on  my bed with my favorite comforter over my knees and my lap top in front me.  I sit in a house that has babies asleep and teenagers watching television.  I sit as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a girl...  I sit and think of our life, our loves, our frailties, our joys and our sorrows.

I think upon you and your journey.  I think how if in any way my story can be a source of strength, encouragement, or comfort then I think that it must come forward in  words that need to be shared, and hearts that need to be heard.

You inspire me to share, to remember, to call forth into life... to continue to journey having been healed now forever being made more and more whole.

Bless you... bless you and may courage f ill your soul... may words find their way forth from your heart and your life into your  mouth and into expression.  May healing and love and joy and triumph be yours daily, majestically and simply but always daily.