Culture...

I sat there with m y hands on the stirring wheel.... looking out over the windshield... looking out into that which was in front of me... and Father's whisper came so clear ... I tilted my head and looked out the side window... the rain was falling and I could hear the sweet sound of it hitting the window.....

He spoke to me as His darling... as one who I know is cherished by Him... I had so many questions before Him and so much upon my heart... the way He came some what fully undid me and I listened intently to the words that came....

He spoke about culture... He spoke to look at the culture of the world as an outsider and then things would make more sense... look at the culture of the world as a stranger to it... watch what is important to it.. watch how people within the culture treat one another... what what is done.. watch.. look ... learn.. listen....

Then He spoke.. to take to heart His commandments of love.... take to heart the truth that I am so born forth from another place....  learn the culture of that place.. of His realm... of where He dwells.. for that is where I am most intrinsically from....

My heart was being enlarged.. and understanding was being added to me... within the palm of His hand was a living jewel.. how to better describe it I really know not... but it was liquid and yet it kept form and it was alive and yet it was a jewel.. and it was red.... but a most beautiful red I had not really ever seen...to say that it was alive without further description probably does not explain it well enough.. but it was beautiful... it was pure.. it was amazing...

He took it and looked at it and looked at me and placed it within my chest... the warmth of it flowed into all that I am and I got down on my knees...

His ways... His Kingdom.. Our Kingdom... the place where we are already seated... the place where we are born from above... changing my thoughts... my heart.. washing away confusion.. and opening my eyes to His heart and His ways in a much more thorough capacity then I had had prior to these moments...

Compassion... gentleness. patience... warmth.. kindness. being mindful of others and where it is that there are hearts are.... flowed deeper and deeper into me.. into my being.. It was as if it was easier to think with His thoughts and express His ways....

Looking at it as culture will guide you He spoke... Looking at it as one culture and then looking at it as another... will make choices far easier for you... The scripture where the treasures are so is the heart were coming to life... and I saw so very clearly culture of the world and of the hearts of man versus culture of the Kingdom and culture of our Christ....

I think it amazing.... I struggled at times with the lack of kindness I would see... or the way man pits himself against man ... especially in the church or in ministries.....  where focus is upon worldly concepts instead upon the heart beat of Jesus... and in these moments I could tell Father was granting me strength from on high and granting me wisdom and sight to be able to for me to place the different things I see far better than I ever had been able to before...

I had been praying for days and weeks that my heart would be more fully His and that the citizenship of Heaven would bear upon me... and change me and my appetites... that I would far more hunger for Him and His ways then anything of this world.. even when.. especially when the things of this world are pleasing to the eye or have to do with the pride of life....

In this moments He set my feet far firmer upon the Rock then they had been before and I was full of gratitude....

The word culture burst upon my heart with new understanding and He once again grabbed a hold of me and led me forward...

Blessed be the name of our Lord....

Ah..... the flesh does not get to win this one... Sitting in the boat fast asleep....

A couple of months ago I felt the Lord desiring me to write on my coffee travel cup, "She smiles at the future..." I knew the reference... and as I wrote it it wasn't truth in my heart...  I looked at those words upon my cup and read and reread them.... I remember pausing and thinking I know what the future holds right now with all the transitions our family was facing and that just didn't seem possible...

Me... smiling at the future.....  when there are moves and transitions and large decisions to be made and wisdom needed and the list kept going on and on and on....  me smiling at a future that had our family transitioning in a year to one of the kids going off to college and our youngest son maybe having some learning issues and again the list kept going on and on...

Transitions all around me and I've delivered six babies and I know what transition is and we have moved a bunch of times and I know what transition is and I remember several times at that point speaking that I was done.. that I couldn't do it anymore... or just saying, "no, no, no, no, no..." Midwives tell me those are the signs they look for that the baby is close!

Well... I did I wrote "She smiles at the future..." on my travel coffee mug.. and I looked at those words and drew over them with my finger tracing each letter....

A couple months later deeper into it all..  I stand amazed.....

You see I recognized in myself that when my life is beyond full I allowed my emotions to take over and to dictate that I felt overwhelmed....  OK... there are plenty of moments to be overwhelmed right now... and I'm not saying that I don't stand in the middle of one of the rooms and think, "oh my.. what to do ?!?" But the most beautiful transition in life is happening....  instead of looking at the moment and feeling the impact of the transition.. I look beyond it....  and then I realized... Smiling at the future!!!

The other night as I was just sitting at the desk.. I felt our Lord come up behind me and lay His hand upon my shoulder... I laid my head down on the desk and sat there.....  His capacity to stand and bring me into grace is larger than my capacity to run from it... and His capacity to pour out patience and gentleness and kindness and wisdom is greater than my ability to ever stand without it.....

I sat this morning holding my three year old as she was having a melt down and I held her.. and I held her close and tight... stroked her hair and spoke loving into her life and her heart and whispered into her ear.... and I knew.. I knew I wasn't just smiling at the future... I was overcoming the past.. I was overcoming the ways I handled things before.... that a whole new road was being walked where I was smiling at the future.. being made full of God.. having wisdom to make hard decisions... having patience and kindness amidst a crazy schedule and laughing and loving and being gentle and creative and full of joy....

And I smiled BIG... I smiled BIG at the future.. .because I got to see that while there is still transition.. the baby is being born... this new season where we lay ahold of that which Christ laid ahold of me and I walk in His ways not as a fraud performing but as a daughter who resembles her Father and delights in His ways is amazing to me.....

To see the power of our Kingdom to transform and bring life abundant..... to watch while He overcomes the world and the trials and tribulations within it... to see Him arise and even upon the kids bring peace that passes all understanding.....

This is our God and this is walking with Him.. daily knowing that because He cares for us.. for me I can smile at the future and not be anxious because the truth of His passion and the strength of it flow.. it flows continuously and it is a most beautiful thing...

I was never disciplined.... How a whisper and a kiss brought forth life

I woke up early this morning and my mind began to think upon so very many things... and as I thought through and prayed a little through .. Father's affections took center stage... and my heart and mind stilled as He spoke.. and spoke and spoke....

Relationship with the One who is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and Alpha and Omega and Creator is truly an awe inspiring thing....

He spoke ever so clearly at one point and it was like a kiss upon my check... The Lord of Hosts, The Almighty, The Everlasting One... knowing every hair upon my head and every moment of every beat of my heart .. whispered instruction and kissed my check as I would as I tucked my children into bed..

And then some keys for this season were upon my heart in a new way... "my people perish for lack of understanding."  and I have perished throughout my life because I did not have instruction... I did not have understanding....

The whisper came ... and I knew the truth in it .. I was never disciplined....  now before going any further let me share that a good friend of mine.. shares that discipline is to teach ... to instruct... and while I went through school and was told don't to this or yes to that... I knew that in my heart there was never a connection...  I remember years of living with very little conscience and very little remorse... little to none....  In being healed and having those attributes of life miraculously added to me I pray to the Lord I do not take those things for granted....

In hearing that I was never disciplined... what I heard was this... as a parent I instruct our children I do the majority of it thinking of that child's personality.. We teach and direct and correct because we love our children and we want them to be prepared for the world and for life and to be empowered to thrive... I come alongside the children and walk with them and while we are doing life together I add instruction here or there .. as we chat about everything or nothing ... I'm looking them in the eyes... speaking with them ... compassion says this child who will one day be walking in the world needs to have the capacity within themselves to do so... We see so much of this in the voice of proverbs... care and concern for instruction...edification.. rebuke.. encouragement...

I lacked in those departments personally and I know what it was like to hit 17 and to be expected to thrive and go off into the world and do what was expected without any interior resources on which to stand....

Tonight I heard in my heart a voice of mercy.. compassion... instruction... and deep love... The Lord only disciplines those He loves....  hhhhmmmm....  so very glad.. so beyond very glad....

I began to see this season in life with different lens and the sight was beautiful....  a pressure cooker is that a pressure cooker but the intensity of it cooks the ingredients at a much faster rate.... 

Discipline can be a gift under the hands of tenderness.. instruction is a powerful tool when wielded in love...  situations and scenarios arise and if we know how to conduct ourselves in a way that brings forth life not death and understanding instead of perishing then there is growth and beauty and maturity...

When I was a child .. I thought as a child... but now... That is a process of growth and maturity...

I realized that within the intensity of this season it was an opportunity to lay a hold of the Lord's instruction.. His discipline.. His ways and to flourish...  daily.. hourly.. moment by moment opportunities exist where we can walk with Him through the most crazy of situations and have peace and have patience and have kindness..

1 Peter 2:20-21
20For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
Christ Is Our Example
      21For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 22WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; 23and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. 25For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.

To be instructed and to know how to live... That is a gift.. One I do pray I do not take for granted.... a gift .. a treasure.. as proverbs tells us it is liken to jewels to have wisdom and live a life full of the instruction of God....

For me this is not a religious action upon the outside of my person....  for me this beats within my heart... He loves me so much that He instructs me how I can prosper....  how I can find favor with Him... How I can live a life where within it I do not perish but live and even amidst times that can be described as a pressure cooker I can thrive because I know what to ask grace to empower me towards.. Kindness... gentleness.... self - control...

I hear often these times are hard.... whether people are talking about finances or events in the world.. or the spiritual climate... they are right... but what I heard tonight as my Father dwelt with me was in these hard times is the offering of discipline and maturity....  to mature in Christ and no longer be babes tossed here and there but through His instruction.. through His kindness... through His empowerment.. through His example... we can be "returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of our souls".....

As one who was never disciplined and was left to their own devises I see these gifts as treasures that the world's wealth could never compare....  He cares so thoroughly about me that He actively loves and instructs me so that I will not perish but have a life that is truly worth living... That is the Lord's discipline... and I am blown away and stand in awe of the journey of this evening... His wondrous and strong love course through my being and I desire (not because I must.. because I want) His ways....  

Now confidence is an interesting thing.... I love where Paul writes... about having no confidence in the flesh and I was convicted....

 This morning I kept thinking of Tigger... and Rabbit's comments.. "He'll be a humble Tigger, a small and sad Tigger....

I haven't written in a while .. between schedules and life but the honest truth is that I have felt a bit off.... events and moments and conversations that have transpired kind of knocked the bounce out of my step... and I've been walking having my confidence shaken...

Now confidence is an interesting thing.... I love where Paul writes... about having no confidence in the flesh and I was convicted....

Phillipians 3 has become my resting place....

for we are the true circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless.
But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude, God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.
Brethren, join in following my example, and observe those who walk according to the pattern you have in us. For many walk, of whom I often told you, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ, whose end is destruction, whose god is their appetite, and whose glory is in their shame, who set their minds on earthly things. For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself.

Where had I placed my confidence... In my abilities or His... In my capacity to do this or that... to speak.. to encourage... to pray.. to organize...  what confidence was shaken... and shaken badly... 

Because a wise man who builds wisely upon the Rock stands.. no matter what comes at him or her.. the waves come.. the winds come.. everything comes.. but that house.. that life still stands because it has been built upon Christ...   My heart faltered under the weight of a tower of babel and it needed to get scattered... so that He could build His house upon the foundation of His life and His thoughts and opinions.. Not mine.. not others.. but His... His....

And I am beginning to breath again and trust again.. realizing that at my own hand I opened doors that are better to remain shut...  Confidence ....  I want to be one who stands boldly and confidently before the throne of grace.. and I can do so as long as my heart does not condemn me.. but when it does.. my heart and my confidence condemn me then I simply need to turn and grab grace and know that I can't walk here on my own.... I, at times would like to think I can.... but learning that in my strengths I am actually weaker because I am leaning upon myself where as if I can cry aloud for help and admit my weakness I will be so much stronger...

It has been a journey... one that I am still on... navigating the worlds of trust and faith all the while holding up those things I am responsible for and "need" to get done and walk with Him and let Him guide and direct....

Tigger has been one thought and Peter another... a man who walks on water but then sinks... a man whose confession Jesus says the whole church will be built upon but is also rebuked for the words that state that Jesus should not die... a man who proclaims his faithfulness only to be found faithless ... a man who goes back to that which he knows .. a man who realizes his own limitations and capacity to love Jesus... a man who steps into comparison... 


So many thoughts.. so much to think upon.. such the journey.... 


I long to trust... to love... to place my confidence solely in Him and abide ... to that end as Philippians states... I  press on... pressing on .. that has been a lesson of this season.... pressing onwards... 

getting my bounce back and looking to lay a hold of that which Christ Jesus laid a hold of me for...
I am His... and while I am at times overwhelmed by my apparent lack He whispers I lack no good thing .. and I smile a faint smile while He just beams as He looks directly at me and shakes His head, YES!

 


he'll be a humble Tigger, a small and sad Tigger, and a "oh, rabbit, am I glad to see you" Tigger. And it'll take the bounces out of him, that's what! Now, all in favor, say 'aye'.
Piglet: Aye.
[Pooh falls asleep again]
Piglet: Pooh.
[shakes Pooh awake]
Piglet: Pooh!
Winnie the Pooh: [waking up, then raising his hand] Oh, here.
Rabbit: Oh-ho-ho, good. Just good. Motion carried.

Roo: Christopher Robin, I like the old, bouncy Tigger best.
[cut to Tigger sadly walking away]
Christopher Robin: So do I, Roo.
Piglet: I do, too.
Roo: Me, too.
Kanga: Of course, we all do. Don't you agree, Rabbit?
Rabbit: I uh...
Christopher Robin: Well, Rabbit?
Rabbit: Well, uh, uh, that is, I-uh, what I mean...
Winnie the Pooh: Well?
Rabbit: Uh, I uh...
[sighs]
Rabbit: Oh, all right. I guess I like the old Tigger better, too.
Tigger: [Pounces Rabbit] Oh, boy! You mean I can have my bounce back? Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

The Wall and Him and Me..... I stand in awe of moments like this... He so thoroughly knows each hair upon my head

I don't mind tears.... I don't find them weak or the fact that they come often an indicator of unseen issues...


In His presence is the fullness of joy... when that reality touches flesh the goodness of His reality brings emotion...


I used to be afraid to touch emotion that seemed too much... Too many tears... Too much excitement...


After a prophetic evangelistic moment that went so beautifully one pastor told me that another pastor on staff thought I was manic...


Uhm... Maybe I was but I'll be manic for the moments when our God is touching and changing lives... I'll get excited for that...


Weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice...


I can try and stand within social propriety (yes... Especially in church ) or I can release myself to be free to acknowledge that some of life's most stunning moments circumvent those notions ... That doesn't give license to act in careless ways ... But it stands as a place of release..


Yet as I sat down to write this morning that isn't where I knew to step ...


As I woke up my heart was hurting... Not in a need to push faster through things although having no desire to get stuck I turned to the one place I know I can always lay my head...


It took me over a decade and a half to release my heart into His reality of Father but now... Now I run... Scramble... Bolt... Make a bee line to Him.. Not that He isn't already fully right there and the first step of getting to the run is full of the realization that I'm already laid a hold of...


Laying all aside I enter as a daughter with a hurting heart... Nothing more.. Nothing less... This place.. This beautiful mysterious place where creator and alpha and omega is tender Father.. Strong... Compassionate... Wise... Delicate...


Just at one look towards Him and my heart melts... Defenses on my part oh so low... One glance of His eyes ... One impartation of His touch and His affections has me actually backing away... "I can't ... I can't hear what You have to say... I don't know how to touch the truth of Your love..." and yup as you know already tears flowed and flowed and flowed..


When He spoke all He would say is you are my beloved daughter in who I am well pleased...


My response would be a shaking of the head (while I know this to be true I wanted Him to bring discipline... Correction... Not so much a rebuke but training... I wanted Him to lay a path I could walk upon away from sorrow... Away from suffering)


Side note ... While absolutely not fun the fruit that emerges from seasons full of sorrow and times of suffering is full of absolute life... Leaning and leaning and leaning again and again does one's life very good....


But all He would say is that I was His... His daughter in whom His pleasure dwelt...


Again not able to bring myself to look up at Him .. He turned and took a different approach... He showed me a hallway and asked me to walk down it... It ended rather quickly just into a wall...


Face to face with that wall I was startled ... Not expecting the walk to end so soon ... " Tell it to move," was all He said ... Uhm God it's a wall .. "Tell it to move"...


All that had resided within my heart .. My being looked at that wall as a wall... Circumstances and situations had allowed for a breaking down of my capacity to grab a hold of truth and I had been fighting against self doubt and fear...


All the what ifs came screaming forward .... What if it doesn't move? What if it ends here? What if I lose?


The wall and Him and me...


What was going to win?


I've learned enough to know I can face that wall and back away.. Believe the lies ... Listen to the fear and allow my heart to be conquered...


Am I part of the 10 spies or the 2?
Am I the nation afraid of the giant or the boy(girl) that asks what will be given ?


I at times am both.. But He ... He never changes...


I looked at Him... And the wall was gone... Open meadows and a huge field spread out before me as He spoke to the depths of me and welcomed me home....


Psalm 18:19---
New American Standard Bible ....
He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

Psalm 18:36
New American Standard Bible
You enlarge my steps under me, And my feet have not slipped.


Psalm 31:8
New American Standard Bible
And You have not given me over into the hand of the enemy; You have set my feet in a large place.

This is the posture we can have with Him.....

  Passages like those found in Psalm 31 that speak of how it is "For Your name's sake You will lead me and guide me," flow into my soul today....

When I read those words today .. when I read further on in that beautiful psalm as it comes to verse 14, "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say. "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."  I just sat quietly.. I sat quietly and tried to allow those words to not just flow into me but saturate me with the life giving truths they hold....

There are just seasons that hold within them numerous opportunities to turn and believe despite circumstances and situations... there are seasons that would try and attempt to lay bare all that is within a person.... a sifting .... but I find that within the season the growth is startling as it comes forward....  In my absolute weaknesses I get to see His strength come blazing through.... and in my sorrow I get to see Him bring the most touching of comforts that rivet me to the core of who I am and cause me to stand in awe and wonder ... Because there is none like Him...

He is that He is that He is that He is ... and He is beautiful.... He is remarkable.. He is stunning....

I pause in typing and lay my head down upon my desk... I sit there with the screen's light upon my eyes and I sit and close them....  listening to the hum of my computer and sitting crossed legged I just settle into the moment.. knowing that there are far other places that He ties me to....

For I go to prepare a place for you.. the words ring in my head.... For I go to prepare a place for you.... my heart hurting from the situations of the last week or so... tears dropping from my eyes... and He repeats those words.. For I go to prepare a place for you.... so that you too can be where I am......

My heart lurches forward and my body is racked with sobs....  The world at times holds within its construct punch after punch but not Him.. never Him....  and in these moments He too knows.. for we do not have a High Priest who has not walked these ways......

Never have I left you .. Never have I forsaken you.. I have not left you as an orphan.. words after words flow like rivers of living water.. drenching my soul and calling me towards Him and as I reach I find that I have already been laid a hold of and been brought up into His embrace... before I call He answers and while I yet speak He hears....

Ever so gently He draws me up towards Him and I crumble into Him and just weep and weep and weep... So much upon my heart.. so much upon my mind... the details and specifics actually not important here or I would share.. for the sharing is more about this is the posture we can have with Him....

We can stand and worship.. we can lean and be led... we can sit and learn... we can fall and be carried.....  we can weep and be comforted .. we can laugh and sing and shout and dance and cry out loud... Our God.. Our King... Our Lord.. Our Lover.. Our Friend.. Our Savior.. Our Father.. Our Brother.. Our Comfort.. Our counselor... Our Redeemer...  and it goes forward and on and on and on....

And we will walk with Him always and forever...  and nothing .. nothing gets to separate us from His love..... and that is what empowers us to having done all we still stand.. for it is His love that convinces me that I know in whom I have believed and He carries me forward for His great name's sake...

And the truth comes to set us free

In this blog it has been my attempt.. my journey to unmask the shroud of life around mental illness... to talk openly about what it has meant to me for the Lord to take me from a place of dry bones to a place where I live a life nobody ever anticipated I would ever walk in....

In this blog it has been my attempt to share vulnerably and transparently and authentically about what it has felt like to be mentally ill.. what it has felt like to have no hope.. what it has felt like to find peace and love and joy and growth...

In this blog I have wept and rejoiced and laughed and sighed and been pushed to the brink of sharing more at times then I ever thought I would...

In this blog I thought I knew what authenticity and vulnerability was .. I thought I was a transparent person and then in this blog I learned that really what I thought authenticity was was a far cry from where Jesus wanted for me to walk...

In this blog I have taken time away from it.. needing time to process real life and how raw with you do I want to be... In this blog I have journeyed to a place where I have learned that in sharing the struggles we are more connected then not.... and in sharing life and weakness others get to feel not so alone...

In this blog I have spoken  that there were thought patterns and behaviors that kept me from the truth of God and His affections for me...  Things I believed that caused me to misinterpret the actions of God or those around me.... They kept me from the provision that God pours out.. They kept me from His presence and they kept me from His power..... As I learned to deal with those things in my life and replace lies with truth I have flourished in areas where before I was perishing....

In this blog I now want to invite you to journey with me  into a class that two amazing people are teaching starting at the end of this month... Mitch and Leigha Semones are teaching Founations Of Freedom part 2: Freedom from Strongholds....  (http://www.stirthewater.com/events/index.php?page=events&id=28&event=820 )

The material presented within this class is unparalleled... We hosted a Foundation of Freedoms class back in February and the life giving teaching and ministry that flowed forth propelled people into levels of abundant life that they had yet to experience.....  (You can purchase that video class, 8 sessions.. 16 hours... taught by Rick Sizemore by following this link http://www.stirthewater.com/store/Foundations-of-Freedom )

I have perished because of lack of understanding.. but now I thrive....  These teaches have been a huge part of that journey for me and I encourage you to check them out....

For more information and to register go to http://www.stirthewater.com/events/index.php?page=events&id=28&event=820  Look forward to being in online class with you at the end of the month!