Another Part of the Story

It is so beyond the scope of the imagination all that transpired. To think upon it now even has me think it is too fantastical to have been real life. But real life it was. Who was I even that I could have done what I did and yet a chapter in my life it was.

The night was dark. The cold February wind pushed against me as I walked through the field. From where I had parked the car I could see a church off in the distance. Was that the answer? I found myself wondering through Lancaster, PA on my way to a new life. My mind was both blank and racing with a million thoughts. So much had transpired within the last 24 hours.

"You have lied to us all." My mom had said as she had come to pick me up from college. (My second attempt at a higher education) "We are going to get to the bottom of this. On Monday morning we are all going to meet and discuss all that has happened." All I could think was that there was nothing in me that could face that and I began to think of taking my life. Again I had gotten myself into a situation too massive for me to walk through. I had lied to everyone about everything.... Made up tons of stories. Not even really knowing why. Was it that I thought I had to create a different life then mine so that people would be in it? Was it that my mind was so broken and incapable of living a "real" life? I didn't know at that moment. All I knew was that there was no way in hell that I was going to be around for that meeting on Monday. So suicide was the ultimate way I knew to guarantee myself of that fact. Other failed attempts flashed through my mind.

I remembered being thirteen and thinking I was pregnant. Terrified. For the "father" wasn't a boyfriend. Wasn't a friend. Wasn't somebody that sex should have ever happened with. How could I ever explain to my parents? I felt like I had ruined everyone's lives. In a dark room I sat on my floor and cried. My grandmother had walked in and questioned me on what was going on. The only words I could get out was that mom was the best mom and I didn't want to hurt her. So funny how perspective changes as I look back. Those words were out of my mouth. There was no comfort. No turning on the lights and addressing what I just had said. So typical. Isolation and loneliness had befriended me early and were my best friends. The least of my enemies.

I sat there. Thinking there was no way to face the possibility. The next day I swallowed a full bottle of pills. Had attempted to go out with my mom however the ill effects of taking so much started in and I began to get sick. We turned around and I was dropped off at the house. I went to lay down on my mother's bed. Thinking that was the most appropriate place to be found dead. The phone rang. It was an aunt who lived right around the corner. Answering the phone I explained that my mom was out and that I wasn't feeling well. The level of concern in her voice was foreign to me. I wonder to this day if something had hit her in her gut and she knew. She told me to take it easy and that she would call periodically to check in on me. I would feel myself slipping away and each time the phone would ring. It was her. Checking on me. I felt so ill. So sick. My body racked with pain. And yet her voice would woo me back from oblivion. I didn't die that day nor was I pregnant and forward through my life I traveled.

How reckless I had been so many times hoping for the end to come. And yet it didn't. This time had to be different. But could I do it? Fully go through with ending it all. And yet the prospect of going back to life on Monday felt completely unattainable.

A whisper floated through the air. Caught my ear and my attention.

Run away.

My life had never made sense to me. I had always felt out of place. Between the things people don't ever speak about that happen in so many lives and just never feeling like I ever measured up I felt lost and out of place. Something simpler. My life seemed so complicated. Granted most of that was of my making. (Well, I need to own my part anyway)

Instead of just lying about my life I was going to enter into one of my lies and play it out. ( Not that I thought that consciously back then but that is what happened) There was no thought of consequence. No thought of repercussions . Actually I thought that everyone's lives would be better if I disappeared. Disappeared for good. So I began to think it through. I can't honestly say think is the right word. That would imply sanity. Or maybe it doesn't. (That is why this part of my life is so crazy to have to write -- because looking back it all seems so insane but then .. back then ... who I was... it was survival)

I would take the car. Where did I want to go? Now please get a good laugh at this... not as an offense to these people but more as a "really," "really." I wanted to join the Amish. Their lives seemed to make the most sense to me. I wouldn't just run away from me, my life, my family.... I would run away from the world. The world as I knew it. And so that is what I did..........................................

I headed towards the church. Across a six lane highway and into a field. Focused on the white cross that was lit up by the moon. ( I had thrown away my keys, my wallet, my license.... anything that could identify me.) Towards the church I walked. I had this feeling deep inside that knowing the next day was Sunday people would come.... people would come and it would all be ok. What? I had no clue. Nor would I find out. For as I sat huddled against the wall and the concrete steps I could not manage the cold February evening. I had to get up. I began walking again. Dazed.

"What is that?" A man's voice came as the car door was opened. I had found my way onto a dirt road. A minute or so earlier I had heard a car coming. Here was my one opportunity, I could see, to get out of the cold. I had pretended to fall. The car had stopped. A man had gotten out. Started asking me questions. Was I ok? Who was I? I stared at him. Blank. No words. Nothing. I was so far gone. He and a friend of his got me into the car. I just sat there as they discussed which hospital to take me to. Having come to a decision the driver then spoke to the guy in the passenger seat, "When we get there." He said. "You stay with her...... because if you don't." Pointing back to the guy sitting next to me. "He'll hurt her." I couldn't even think at that point. So drained from all that had transpired. So dazed. But to the hospital they took me.

At one point orderlies came out and brought me into the waiting area. I sat there. Mouth shut. I did know who I was.... well, I knew who I didn't want to be.... but had no idea how I was going to navigate through all that I was faced with.

As I pushed back my life..... as I mentally walked away from everything. (As I had so often done before .. this time on a whole other level) I found a voice. And another story/lie came forth. I pretended to have been raised in the environment that I wanted to head to.... I pretended to have never known the outside modern world or anything about it. I went from the waiting room to the emergency room. Was laid down on a gurney. Examined. Who was this mystery in front of them? What had happened to me? Who was I? Where was I from? Before I knew it there were police questioning me about all sorts of things. Asking me if I was this person or that person. What was my name? Who was I? Where was I from? A nurse was standing over me. On her collar was a pin with a yellow ribbon. It was during the time of the first Persian Gulf War. I told her that it was pretty. She pointed to it and said, "oh this. It is to support the war." Words tumbled out of my mouth as I played the part I imagined. "War. What is war?"

I was being admitted as a "Jane Doe." Right before I was to be moved to a room. A request formed on my lips. "May I see a priest?" Was the question. So weird. But what about this whole thing isn't? Weird? Why? One might ask. Well, the only exposure to anything other than Judaism that I had had was through Little House on the Prairie. But yet out of my mouth it came. The night wasn't over before a man walked into the room. Kindness written all over his face. Gentleness surrounding him. He walked slowly to the bed. Pulled up a chair and sat down. I don't remember anything he said. Yet I picture him perfectly. He sat there a while and before leaving he handed me a wooden cross and a bible, prayed for me and left.

At some point I fell asleep.

Put yourself there.... JUMP!!!! Once heard a sad story about a man who had risked everything then once he had everything stopped risking and lost everything.... JUMP!!! Every Day!!!! JUMP!!!!

In the way of an introduction

As I think upon the steps that I have walked I realize that to write in my voice alone wouldn't bring forth the purposes for which I share. Walking up to the line where this story unfolds holds for me a milestone in and of itself.

A crossroads perhaps.

In the past lives a girl and a woman who lived as a shadow, not comprehending the depth or reality of life possible. Peering into the future I see a peace and a joy once thought unobtainable.

So here I stand.

I am in the middle. Traveling forward......

The desire that fills my soul is to be a voice. One that cries out into the darkness that there is a light. That no matter what the darkness has done it does not have to be the last word.

There is a place in me that is now able to bring forth the most accurate of stories. A calm that empowers me to see the roads I have traveled and the people I have walked next to..........

There are many voices. The words of those that both knew me and know me echo in my head. There are those that we journey with for brief moments in the scope of a lifetime and then there are those that are alongside and walk hand and hand. I have tried to capture their voices in the most honest of ways.

There are many who walk in the driest of places. I want to be as a watering can to you. May these words sprinkle over you and soak into you and bring forth streams of rushing living waters.

There are those who will relate more to the voices of the others than to mine. You who journey next to or along side... may these words light up your path and give you hope that even the faintest of shadows can grow into something more........................

What's Around the Bend

When my brother visited William and Mary as a potential college (ended up going to Syracuse U.) I ventured into the book store. Where upon I found a book that filled me with great inspiration. I don't know what class it was specifically for but within its pages there were pictures and words and questions..... All meant to jog ones mind into a writing a creative piece.

I don't know about you but I sit down and begin to write, I can close my eyes and the computer keyboard becomes my "piano" of sorts. I feel the keys under my fingers and I get lost in the words that are coming forth...... My spirit soars as the creative part of my comes to life.... I love words...

I have word magnets on my fridge. So that every day I am around words.....

Words... dream, imagine, fanciful, dance, twirl, linger, captivate...........

I allow my mind to go and I get lost in all the possibilities that the words hold within... that they would release their full potential into us all is my deepest desire..................

So take a moment..... seriously take a moment... pick a word... write it down... and dream ...... allow yourself to be unencumbered by rules of grammar, by anything.... close your eyes and feel the keys under your fingers (don't worry about spelling.. never worry about spelling... we live in the day of auto correct) and write... and feel yourself come alive to all the possibilies....

or cut out photos from a magazine and clue them into a journal... and make up the story behind the photo.... Here are two recent photos I took..... "what is beyond the bend," or " what is it that beckons you " (for me its the light)!!!

Enjoy the journey and laugh... laugh... giggle (one of my new favorite words) giggle lots

Welcome

The following is mostly some of my wonderings.....

The post that you will come to directly after this one is part of something larger I am writing.... Would love any input..... I believe it will be a story of a life of one who like it says walked in great darkness but found that there was a path bearing light that she could follow.....

I do apoligize for the length... I will break future ones up into smaller pieces...

As for now.. well, for now I go put the young ones to bed.... more to come...

"The people who are walking in darkness Have seen a great light, Dwellers in a land of death - shade, Light hath shone upon them." Isaiah 9 : 2 Young's Literal

I don't know even how to start. What to say. What not to say. How to tell a story that was and is my life. I can think back but it is foggy. I was alive but I wasn't. I dwelled in a land of death and chaos. But Light came and changed all that...........................

"No, they aren't my parents." She said " My parents are dead." She stared at the two people who she had known all her life as mom and dad. Her mind blank. Looking at them as if through the eyes of a movie that was playing out before her. She was alive. She was breathing. Yet reality was far from her and her life more of a vapor.. This story is hard to write. But it is her story. A story that I came across and one that has taken a hold of me and will not let me put it to rest. So tell it I must.

I met her at university. She was crazy. She lived in a world of her own making. Between lies and imagination. Maybe just escapism. It was either she was dying of cancer or walking down the middle of the road completely intoxicated. I would watch her as she followed her impulses. She could be in the middle of telling a story (and by story I mean complete fabrication) of something she did or something that happened to her, and tell it as if she believed it to be true. Even when confronted with the truth she would stick with her lie as though it were a part of her. I think I share this story because I think there are a lot more people like her or maybe more like me and maybe we all need a roadmap of some sort to help us along the way.

I remember the first time I met her. She had this way about her. Drew people into her whirlwind. Some of us crashed and burned alongside her. Others left just not willing to take in the insanity. And I, well I watched. We met at orientation. She was a few days late to Freshman year coming off of a prior commitment at a Summer stock theatre. She fell into the scene. And I mean fell. Wild. Absolutely wild. Stirred up chaos wherever she went. I think she thought life was a game or a play and the rules.... well, what rules of life? And if there were some they didn't really apply to her. Or maybe she just didn't think through things. I actually came to believe that she truly just lived in an unconnected reality not fully capable of attaching to life and the human existence. She was sometimes amusing to watch at other times just embarrassing. But watch I did.

Then the day came when the administration at the school had had its full. Maybe it was that she (on a dare) had in broad daylight taken off all her clothes and (as she put it) sauntered across the main quad. " But I'm in the best shape of my life." She had said. "Why not?" Or maybe it was that she had accused one of the university's football stars of going too far (too much had already happened for anyone to believe her... sadly even I couldn't tell the difference between what could be true and what she created to be true.), or maybe it was the drinking and partying, maybe it was that the dean had just gotten tired of hearing her name pass before his desk. So having been given the option to stay under a very stick curfew or go home. She chose home.

The night before she was to leave I asked her the question I had been longing to ask since the day I met her................ "Why do you act this way?" She looked at me. We were sitting in my dorm room. I can picture the whole scene as if it were only yesterday. The white concrete brick walls that were cold to my skin. The crazy thin mattress on the bed that was more like a cot than anything. The completely typical durable wooden furniture that probably fills every dorm room across the US. My books. My stuff. And her. Sitting on my bed. Legs bent to her chest. Sitting there holding her knees. Her eyes looking at me. Penetrating my very soul. She just looked at me for what felt like hours. Staring through me. She was definitely in some other place. At least her mind was. Traveling back in time. Back through the days and times. Back to the truth she had spent so much time getting away from. I realized after the words came out of my mouth, that maybe it was unfair. Maybe that question had been wrong to ask and maybe mere curiosity wasn't enough to make someone have to think upon events they had tried so hard to forget. But the words were out. The question lingering in the air. And yet she still looked at me. Through me more like it.

I just sat there. Sitting on one of those college dorm room "beds." (If they can be called that) Across from me she sat. Was I a caged animal that I couldn't get up? I couldn't get up and leave. Couldn't leave my skin, who I was, my life. I couldn't. "Why do you act this way?" Was her question. Had it been so easy for her to ask? Did she realize what the events were? Those things that had created me, a mere vapor, of a human being. So unattached to people and reality. How did other people do it? How did other people string together days and months and years? How did other people live? How did other people care? Or take in reality? How did other people stay connected and focused?

I never really thought through anything that happened. Consequences of my actions. What are those? Ugh. How did other people live life and not just escape to some made up fantasy world that exists in imaginations like mine? What are people? What is this life? What am I supposed to be? Did I always know when I was lying? Yes. Did I ever care? Nope. Did I ever mean to hurt anyone? No, I really didn't. But I also didn't care if I was hurt. Or I had just gotten to the place where so much pain existed anyway that the reality of day to day existence didn't exist. I just plain didn't think. Incapable? Maybe? More like just not part of the human experience as the majority of the population knows it to be.

So that question. "Why do I act this way?" Wow! Did it hang in the air..... I vanished. Got lost back into days past. Ones that had been fought over to be forgotten. Living back the moments. Were they the reason I was who I was? Had all those things created me? Had I learned so well to escape into my mind. Was there nothing real about me but my body?

Minutes past.

I watched her.

Wondering what were her thoughts.

Then it came......................

A story.

Not a story like the ones I had come to know or expect from her.

But the truth.

All I could think was....... "Would I even be alive if I had lived in her shoes?" As I watched her tell her story, (for the first time in her life), as I saw her relive moments she had fought to forget. Run away from. Or simply ignore. I saw a strength that had carried her to the moment we were in....... and I hoped that it would continue to carry her ..... For I knew she had long way home.

Beginning Something New

Well....... for days the thought about writing on this again as come to me.... idea after idea have been dancing in my head. So here I go... where.. not really sure but on a journey.. I guess this is the next step for me in walking this passage... this life....

I was out a while back with some friends. As I started to share a story the table quieted and the girls leaned in.... that moment has kept flashing before me ..... I was reminded about how at one point in my life... the Lord spoke to me and told me if I was willing to be transparent and share from my life that he would bring healing to those I touched.... In all honesty it has been a while since I have truly shared much from my life..... whether it was a turn towards being mom to little kids again or a timing issue I am not sure.... yet now I feel once again that a time has come for me to open up and see what the Lord would have me share... as my Yidus nana would say Oy vey....

But let's see what happens........