Day 73 ---The End in Sight

It has been a very interesting season of my life walking through my days with this experiment in the back of my head and in my thoughts...... And now the end is in sight. I haven't written about my experience for a while now. I have come to write at different times and then gotten distracted or actually felt like I wasn't supposed to.... some of these days have been personal ones when I have focused in on more of who I want to truly be and then some were just regular days filled with responsibility and service.

Today has been different. As I come back to write... as I come back to express what these days and this season have meant for my life.... I truly don't recognize the person who I was back on December 16. Possibly because for the most part she doesn't exist anymore..... I am more focused on who I am and what I want for my life and lives of my family.... I am more patient (not the only one saying that) and a general calmness has taken root and has started to work its way deep into all that I am......

But what the third quarter of this experiment truly taught me is to hold fast to that which you know that you are called towards.... Life will come at you with all of its urgencies and if you don't have a place within to hold them at bay you will get swept beneath its waves. I have learned the importance of keeping focused and spending the time to visit and revisit that which I want to accomplish... whether as a woman, wife, mom, writer or photographer.... I hold fast to my dreams and my goals ... looking at them ... reworking them .... having written them down I read them frequently.. remind myself of them ... assess myself using them as my grading criteria.....

I am back in school. A new phase in my life that began at the onset of this experiment in quite the most unexpected way. But every time I get an assignment I print it off... read it thoroughly through for the first time.... grab my highlighter and pen and go back over it and mark and circle all of its requirements.... I then go to task to accomplish that assignment. Step by step I read each direction .. checking the grading rubric... making sure that everything that is asked is done.... When I have finished the assignment I go back over my work and compare it to all that the instructor put forth.... diligently and purposefully I review and review to make sure that all that was required has been completed. Well... I now apply that same focused energy to my life and my goals....

I see and hear of people that have as their main goals in life or as an organization to be a certain way or accomplish a certain task.... however they get derailed because they allow the urgencies of any given day or of life in general to steal that from them.... Instead of deciding for themselves every day (sometimes numerous times within a day) the who, what, when, where of life they allow the situations to dictate that for them...... Before long they find themselves far away from the things that they actually wanted to accomplish..... Yes, sometimes our goals and dreams change but this isn't that.... this is not putting first things first and being attentive and careful to focus on what is the expressed vision or goal.....

There are things that I know that I want now more than ever.... dreams and desires that I hold up to Heaven and whisper my prayers over..... I have had a taste of the hard work and sacrifice it will take but I know that I am to walk this walk.... and I know that I am to be a protector of the path through my daily choices and actions.... I commit to myself to do just that and to walk in such a way that is fully conscious of where I am heading... Habakkuk says " Write the vision and engrave it so plainly upon tablets that everyone who passes may [be able to] read [it easily and quickly] as he hastens by." I don't want it to be said that I didn't accomplish what I set out to do because I got distracted and wasn't diligent to protect the vision embedded upon my heart......

Waiting Patiently for the New Day Sun

I don't know what exactly has thrown this day for a loop for me.... If it was the fact that ice on the road cancelled school or that in the afternoon Gregory fell and seriously hurt his lip..... But this day has brought with it a wind that has flustered me. My heart is stirred and my mind is full and I don't know really with what. Nap schedule has been off .... and it feels like this whole day has just run amuck.

A sense of sadness fills my heart as do worries about certain areas of my life.... What happens when you know that you know that you know that you don't know ... when you know that you don't contain the answers needed within yourself and there isn't another to go to..... I have learned that there is strength within the walls of a family. That when there are troubles it is really nice not to be alone. That comfort comes from knowing that there are other people out there that you matter to and that they stand beside you during the harder seasons of life.

Today has been one of those days where I have seen my short comings. Where my lack has been magnified in my eyes and along with it fear has entered my heart. I want to have the answers for my children as they grow... I want to empower them into life and yet I know that there are areas where I still am trying to figure it out for myself.... What happens then? What happens then? When I realize that I can't fix the issue with a hug and a band aid and a cup of hot chocolate. These are the days... this is the day when I am put to the test.

As I headed to the bathroom to give my one year old a bath great sorrow filled my heart. It felt as if the weight of the world rested upon my shoulders and I gasped for air. I looked into my daughters sweet face and thought about how I had held other babies that were now not babies and wished for moments long past.

It is wisdom that I need. So many areas exist in my life where I know that I don't have the answers. I don't know how to walk the path that is in front of me. Yet in these moments I sit and though it doesn't get any better I know that as I breath deep that the paths will unfold and the days will go on. I trust that if I ask for wisdom it will be given to me and I believe that my lacks will be provided for in mysterious ways. I am not too proud to realize that there are others in the lives of my family that step in and fill those gaps and for them I am forever grateful.....

The loneliness and sorrow ....well, maybe some days they are just par for the course. In this world we will have those things.... Learning to walk within those times and not be taken down by them but learn from them, be changed by them and know that days like these pass and the sun will rise tomorrow... Maybe some days that is just good enough... And though my lack might scream into my ear the voice of truth whispers it's strength into my heart.

Though today might have me spent it does not have me beat. When I am down I will look up and find my way and find my strength and find my breath. I will be grateful that the sun is about to set and that new mercies will be found on the wings of tomorrow. I will be grateful for my days and times for I know that though my load might seem heavy today there are those who walk with heavier burdens. I will be grateful for all that exists within my world. I will be grateful and I will wait patiently for the new day sun.