Can I be honest? What happens next... How do we then live... Part 1

I would be triggered and I would panic and I would jump into the car and drive and drive and drive for hours.... until some of the panic abated, then I would come home.

 I would go and buy the biggest bag of peanut M & Ms, the largest tub of ice cream, bags of milano cookies.  Or I would starve myself for days until that feeling came and live off the high of feeling what it feels like to be wasting away.

I would go to the drive thru and order the jumbo sized diet coke.

I would race to a friends house, furiously make phone calls, etc etc etc......


No these moments were not before I have been healed.


They were the patterns I had learned to cope and they needed to be unlearned and life giving practices learned instead.


So it's Easter... Today is a celebration that things are restored, death has been defeated and hope has arrived.


The resurrection of Jesus brings the reality of Heaven bursting forth upon the earth.  No longer are we slaves to sin and no longer does death have a hold on us.  But have you looked around?  I understand the ever expanding aspect to our Kingdom.


Let's apply this to all I have been sharing lately.  


I have walked with the Lord for over two decades and within that time I have been graced with moments that have thoroughly altered my life.  From salvation to moments of healing and moments of pure beautiful grace.


Can I be honest?


Those moments have been amazing.  I wouldn't be who I am without them.  I cherish those moments.


But there are moments that I cherish even more.


The moments aren't  actually moments they are long and they have been arduous but they too have changed my life just as much if not more than the profound interactions with Heaven and Jesus and healing.


 It has to do with the ever expanding aspect to the Kingdom.  I view some of this as the difference between "take" and "possess."   The journey of  becoming has been a powerful one for me as Jesus has come and taken over and then more and more continues to possess.  I used Exodus 23 to make my point... and then I'm going to do a typical thing for me and share the only way I know how to.....



The verse:  I will not drive them out before you in a single year, that the land may not become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. I will drive them out before you little by little, until you become fruitful and take possession of the land.



I am so blessed by the amazing healing that has entered my life but  its been in the daily walking out and learning about life and people and what it means to live in truth and stand that has brought even more healing.  I stood in moments of healing and yet needed to learn how then to live.



We are told that "then we will know the truth, and the truth will set us free."  But what happens when our hearts have believed lies for so very long.

What happens when it is actually the way our heart really believes?

  What if the lies are firmly ingrained into our beings?

  What then?


There are the experiences, moments, words spoken that only serve to confirm and harden the lies within our beings.  What then?  Deliverance you say?  More healing? Yes... yes... and comes the walking out..... The bit by bit and moment to moment making of choices and turning towards truth and replacing lies with truth.  Much easier to write than to do... I understand....  believe me I understand....


When I step in and do something for my child I can rob them of the gift of learning something important... it might be easier if I do it... it might be quicker ... but in the long run I've stolen not truly given...


These last few years where it has been moment to moment.. some leaps but mostly moment to moment of learning to trust in really banged up places, learning the truths of heaven instead of believing the lies of hell, having my life  filled and my walk under girded in ways that have been so meaningful.. that truly no word could convey to you how I feel right now...


I have walked through hell but have found that its gates do not get to prevail,  I have been led into and THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death and watched as light really does command the darkness and fog to leave, and our Father has driven the "enemies" of my soul out "little by little," and I feel oh so much more thoroughly His.


There are some things that the major healings in my life could never give me... they gave me a moment but Father has given me a life....   the time to grow, to learn, to have the Kingdom of God manifest and take ground....


 He has rebuilt me upon the rock and these places feel so firm... It is the truth of God that has set me free... It is in teaching my heart that faith comes from hearing the word of God, it has been in having my heart taught in the safety of His loving kindness and the loving kindness as it has been demonstrated by others.

So instead of going for that drive I sit quietly and wait upon Him, "What does it look like for You to Father me here?"  I say as I sit.

I still might go for that diet coke.. but even that is being taken care of little by little... food, the lack of it or the gorging of it, is not the place I find comfort... Little by little He has been taking ground... little by little He has been teaching me His ways.. little by little... step by step.. full of grace and life and majestic peace... Full of Him.

Full of the reality of the Kingdom.. Not out of obligation or duty or fleshly desire to walk with Him... Not out of religious compulsion to prove anything... but being born forth of the spirit... being born forth from grace... His daughter...  The understanding and reality of is more fantastical then I could have ever imagined.

So He is risen... and He has risen me up with Him and set my feet upon the Rock and is teaching me His ways....

How do I then live... Day by day .. in the grace of the moment.. and when I falter.. and when I misstep.. He is there.. My ever present help in times of trouble....  My ever present helper always in every moment... I have learned not to walk upright.. I have learned that leaning is the best posture... and when I do I walk straighter than I could ever imagine.....

This is what happens next... we walk as the redeemed of our God.... You ARE the redeemed of our God....

Why are you looking for the living among the dead?

I love that question of Christ.


It doesn't just challenge me on Easter.  It challenges me always.  Every day that is a great question.


It is a litmus test.


It is a calling back to truth.


It is a great examiner of motivation, of intent, of ambition.


What am I looking for and where am I looking for it?


"Why are you looking for the living among the dead?"


What living am I looking for?


Am I beholding the one who is alive and living forth from that place or am I looking for Him in places He won't be found?


What things are dead?


What things are of no use?


What things still do and should reside in the tombs and graveyards?



I looked for life in a marriage.

I looked for life in children.

I looked for life in  ministry, things I could do.

I looked for life in finances.

I looked for life in work.

I looked for life in relationships, friendships, connections.

I looked for life in church.

I looked for life in stores and shops.

I looked for life in titles, favor, responsibilities.


Why are you looking for the living among the dead?


What a most beautiful and majestic question?  Not just for Easter but for every single day!


In acknowledging the death that comes from the pursuit of such things, it was a pushing through the crowds.  The crowd full of what this world says to grab a hold of for success.  In order to be successful one needs this or that,  the right resume, the right job, the right home, the right clothes, the right cars, the right fill in the blank.


 The pursuit becomes exhausting and as Solomon points out for all the ages that in the attaining of such things it is meaningless.  Pushing through the crowds.. the noise... all... to lay a hold of His garments.


As news spread legs would begin to run...


Running to the tomb to find it empty....


For true life had come......

That I may gain Christ.....

Not truly poetic...


Not my most revealing...


Not sensational....


Nothing special......


But this morning I think upon what is truly important and the words, I don't know much but I know I love you... Kept coming to mind.


I loved Linda Ronstadt was I was younger... and upon a search on YouTube I found it...


http://youtu.be/gTMaCHvep_8


And then Paul's words circulated in my head....  I count it all loss.....  that I may gain Christ.....


It doesn't come down to anything else but that.... that and that alone....


This season has taught me to be  blind to all else but Him.... Leaning upon His strength.. partaking in the aroma of His life, His death, His resurrection....  tasting and seeing that the goodness of the Lord prevails....

Then last night as I played that song...  I stepped into a vision and a hand was being held out and a request for a dance....  and my head found its place upon His chest and my ears heard the beating of His heart... and again...  I knew nothing... I don't know much but I know I love Him and that truly may be all I ever need to say.....


His compassion is endless...

His mercy amazing

His grace abounding

His strength

His passion

His affection

His....


We are His........



Being held by Him... being wooed into His presence... into His reality... into His life....


The reality that the days are coming that there will be a Bride and there will be a Groom and there will be a table... and there will be a dance and a celebration... And then we will know as we are fully known... and still Love will be that which saturates all that there is to behold.....

Beware of the dogs, beware of the evil workers, beware of the false circumcision; for we are the true circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless.

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, beingconformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to whatlies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude; and if in anything you have a different attitude,God will reveal that also to you; however, let us keep living by that same standard to which we have attained.

Brethren, join in following my example, and observe those who walk according to the pattern you have in us. For many walk, of whom I often told you, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of Christ, whose end is destruction, whose god is their appetite, and whose glory is in their shame, who set their minds on earthly things. For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself.

Just that.....

The hungry were just that... hungry

The poor were just that... poor

The sick were just that ...sick

The weak were just that ....weak

The broken were just that ....broken

The fool was just that... a fool

The religious were just that .. Bound by law

The lonely were just that...  Lonely

The prodigal was just that .... Covered in pig slop

The woman caught in adultery was just that... Guilty

The hopeless were just that.... Without hope

The orphan was just that... An orphan

The slave was just that.. A slave

I was just insane, murderer, lost, hopeless and full of despair.  Prisoner, beaten, abused, left for dead, abandoned, struck down, lied to, forgotten, destroyed....

Until...



Sunday morning arrived,  we passed over from death into life..  We who were not a people became the people of God.. We who were orphaned became son and daughter ...



Now let the poor say I am rich

Now let the weak say I am strong

Now let the forgotten say I've been remembered..

Now let the lost say I am found

Now let the insane say I have the mind of Christ

Now let those in despair say they have seen a great light and hope as come!

There is wisdom for the fool, hope for the hopeless, a Father for the child left behind

There is grace for the religious, forgiveness for the guilty

Life for the dead..

Between death and life... The waiting.... Can we be honest on how brutal that is?

It was a day... it was the day between death and resurrection.


You've tasted it.  I know you have.


Walking through that day, that can feel like those thousand years, might actually be more difficult than walking through the time of death.  The worst has already happened.  What will be isn't really known.
It isn't known what will happen, or if something will happen.. or if the death is the period at the end of the sentence.


I want you to linger here... Linger... Pause.. remember.....


Those days of transition are beyond what words can express, but you know that which I speak of..

• You've watched the path you thought you were on come to an abrupt dead end, a sudden curve in the road, or a very steep incline.
• Relationships have done the same.
• What about those finances or career?
• A physical death or illness has left you with more questions than have answers?
• God seems no where to be found.  A dark glass ceiling has been fitted over the heavens and prayers are bouncing off.

We've had six children pass from life in the womb into our arms.  At each birth a well meaning nurse has asked me if I wanted to touch the head as it emerged, seriously.. you kidding me... At that point there is nothing in me that wants to linger in that moment.  It's beauty is lost on me as the pain is the most intense it will be through the whole birthing process.  

I don't want to be in transition.  I want the baby.  I want life.  

We knew over a year and a half ago that we were going to be moving to Virginia.  We have lived in two worlds ever since.  The here, the already and the yet to come.....  I know what is here, the already is happening... There isn't much to know about that which is to come.   

Sure there are ideas, but it isn't being walked out yet... Jesus had told the disciples about his death and resurrection, but no matter how many times you are told something, even by God, Himself,  until you begin to see it truly unfold the human heart has a hard time negotiating that terrain... even as it begins to be poured forth the remembrance of the doubt, the doubt, itself, the reality of still not knowing what is happening can all play their part upon your soul.  

These past few years have been full of moments that felt continually like the "crowning" moments of a baby's head.  Except the birth wasn't coming forth.... delay... delay... delay... linger.... pause...  delay....  

The terrain of this past wilderness was long and deep and wide without many an oasis to be found.  A brief respite here... a momentary respite there but back into the wilderness my feet would tread.

Now as I have begun to taste life and have seen the soil of the terrains begin to change, I have paused and turned to appreciate the wilderness....  I have learned to lean in ways that I never would have ever before... and I have heard the tender whisperings of my God in ways I had never heard before...   Circumstances and situations remain and are in need of being walked through but I have begun to see that the difference is deep within.  

The day in between death and resurrection, the season, is what it is..... and whether you go back to fishing sometimes, or you are taking care of the dead body, or you are congregating with others trying to figure it out...  know this... history says there is a resurrection!  

The pain of this day.. the confusion of it... the reality of the unknown.. is there.. you aren't making that up nor are you called to power through it....  allowing it to bear what it is upon you will forever change you... The one thing I would implore you to not do is try to avoid it... you can't really escape it.....  You can dull the pain by appeasing the flesh but only temporarily...   But if embraced... if the pain and uncertainty and suffering  will be embraced the promise does exist that it will birth a depth of trust and hope and compassion that will transform you, your life and the way you see all things....

An eternal kingdom was born onto the earth through birth, life, death and resurrection... eternal life is being birthed into you through life.. death... and resurrection... It is a magnificent truth.. a phenomenal mystery and a most beautiful reality....  

It is the day... for most of us a long season... it is the time between death and life... between burial and resurrection....  but it is only a matter of time!

That is my hunger too......

Upon  my journey of learning to become a better blogger I have been searching the internet to find others whose writing I like, whose lives I respect, whose journeys inspire.  I've come across some amazing people as I have bumbled along the way.


This search, this time of discover is full of a hunger to hear a similar voice, to feel a similar spirit, and to experience a similar heart.


As I come back to my lap top this day to step back into discovery, to learn, to grow, to glean from others, I hear the precious heart beat of the Lord.  "That is my hunger too."

There was nothing left to do but to sit.


There was nothing left to do but be undone.


There was nothing left to do but be with Him.


After those words... there was not even the capacity to pray.  Just to acknowledge and to hunger that I would be that to our Lord

His death birthed a brand new grace.....

I am ready....


I wasn't always....


I am now.....


There is nothing from my past I can't talk about and talk about candidly.  My life has even journeyed to the place where there are relatives with who I have sat with and with who I have come  together with, and removed not only the proverbial elephants from the room but all that comes with them.


It didn't start that way.


Matter of fact when the Lord healed me from schizophrenia  I was  quiet for almost a decade concerning all that it had entailed.  So beyond grateful for the quiet in my head and the difference in my life, but needing time to adjust to life and living and wholeness.


There is a time and a season for all things.


I remember the first time I wrote about the incest that had been in my life from before I can remember until the time I was thirteen.   Friends this is honestly how I wrote it... newly saved... I wrote the words:  "These are my sins..."  And on the top I wrote about the incest.  When my eyes would first see those words I would grab the closest sharpie and over and over again cross out that whole phrase, ruining the whole journal because of the fury of the sharpie in my hand.


The first time I would share about being healed from having schizophrenia, I would be surrounded by the dearest of friends.  Standing next to Jim and our friend, Rick Sizemore, I stood and shared how it felt to not feel like you owned your mind, your life, your everything....  I shared what it was like when the Lord healed me... I shared what it was like to be set in my right mind,  I shared how it felt to be overcoming the shame and stigma that comes with mental illness.


That testimony would be years in the making, it would be built on smaller (much smaller) steps.  It would be a step in and of itself... and now this blog.. this place... my life... my voice... my liberty.. your life.. your voice... your liberty.....  It is a whole NEW journey that I am embarking upon as I emerge from a wilderness that never seemed to end... it is part of the journey of my life...  This place of becoming and being transformed and being disclosing comes upon so very many steps before it....


I was reading today about how when some people read about the testimonies of people of those that are calling themselves, "The New Radicals,"  there can be self-condemnation and guilt and judgement.  The thought that if you aren't living your life like those in that camp your life falls short.  I'm not saying that that is the message they are putting forth, I'm saying that some of the fruit is not conviction but a sense of condemnation.


There were huge issues in the first generation of Christians..  What about circumcision?  What about meat sacrificed to idols? What about this and what about that?


My point in going down this rabbit trail... I feel very led to be completely as self-disclosing as I know how to be, it's been my journey... there is sooo much grace upon me to do so... it flows in abundance... that isn't necessarily where you are called to walk,  whether you are selling everything you own and going to live in the inner city or you are standing in a place where you are sharing the deepest most intimate things of your life, or everything in between... are you called to adopt that child and oh by the way it is a sibling set.. instead of adopting one can you adopt two... three... four....


The calling upon each and everyone of us is unique and beautiful and you can't reach the path you are walking by comparing and by measuring yourself to another.....  His death birthed for us a brand new grace....  look into His eyes.. His most magnificent gaze... fall in love with the savior of your soul and walk with Him... and when He says do this or do that... the only compulsion you will be under is that of passion... not obligation, duty, or condemnation....  While we work because we have faith.. it is our faith that has made us well, by which we are saved... and declared righteous....

Perfume for the masses....... For all ... For every

There is nothing new under the sun... There is nothing new

The intimidation that the religious order felt when Jesus walked the earth is the same intimidation that the practitioners of religion would feel today. The places He would go, the people He would talk to, the people He would touch, the things He would say, the things He would do..

This morning as the dawn brought forth the day where we reflect and pause and think about the death of Christ, I realized I have been living with this reflection for a long time. Walking in the lessons of the Garden of Gethsemane, Sitting at tables of “friends,” hearing the words, “I will not deny you,” to only really know the truth.

This morning the fact is that the reality of death in this world is easy to touch. So many living in fear, so many living behind walls, so many living … so many dying.

Death in this world. Death leads to death.

Death as it is portrayed in the Christ story. Death leads to life.

I was being introduced to a man of who the world would recognize as important. His dress meticulous, his features cared for and well groomed. It wasn't his shoes, his watch, his sun glasses that caught my attention and birthed a hunger to wash his feet, it was this man. This man who other's would chase after, long for the favor of, envy... was hurting. Was there anyone who could see beyond title and exterior and look into his heart and care for him? Not for profit or selfish gain?

Was he liken unto the rich young ruler, was he liken unto Nicodemus, was he to be liken unto the Centurion, was he liken unto the woman pushing throw the crowds trying to get to the robe of Christ, was he liken unto the man at the well not knowing how to get in, would he be liken unto the 5000 who needed to be fed, was he liken unto the children who just wanted to be drawn into the lap of Christ, was he liken unto those that sat with Jesus, ate with Jesus, walked with Jesus, who he be liken unto the woman caught in adultery, was he to be more like the good Samaritan or the one left on the road... yes! Yes! YES!

There are attributes of all these characters within each and everyone of us.... different needs at different times in different places...

Where I go, the people I meet, the people I talk to ….. whether rich or poor, strong or weak, in fullness or in need.... the needs of the heart are so very the same. We are told not to have preference, not to regard people through the lens of the world's values. When we can see people as people, as the image bearers of our God... as brothers and sisters, as sons and daughters then we see correctly … we can hear their hearts... feel their passions, needs, questions... smell the fragrance of their lives... taste and see the goodness of God as it plays out in the life of any and all....

Is God's goodness questioned by the widow in an African village? Is God's goodness questioned by the executive sitting on the umpteenth floor of a high rise? Is the need for God's goodness any different?

The need for Christ.. the need for mercy.. the need for grace.. the need for compassion... the need for love is universal. Arrived at and fully found in the aroma of the passion of Christ.

Are you ready to say good bye to fear?

 "Are you ready to say good-bye to fear?"

That was the question that began this most recent journey into blogging for me,  I had no idea where we were headed.

More messages, comments, emails, texts sharing your stories, your journeys into freedom, your questions.

One in particular made me think of the very first question ask of me by God...   "Are you ready to say good-bye to fear?"

Not even knowing that that was what was happening... In less than two weeks I feel the least afraid I have ever felt...

As I would write I felt liberated,  as I would write I would feel bold, as I would write I would feel free.

Then more questions from the Lord...  Do you have an image to maintain?  Whose image are you reflecting?  Fear comes from the idea of punishment, loss, failure..

What in you needs to be preserved?  

And the lessons of what it means to lean came rushing in more and more and more....

What about you if people found out would you be horrified, sad or embarrassed ?  That is ground for fear?  That is ground for bondage...

Let's get rid of all those ...  Then day after day not leaning on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledging Him and trusting that He would direct my path took on an all new pace...

I would see the Father being the Abba I needed,  being the mighty warrior on my behalf,  being Almighty, King of kings and Lord of lords and taking His place in my life.

This... Here... That....  Sharing... Being lead to websites full of understanding and insight and healing... Being led upon a journey of trusting and leaning and learning.

Realizing ever more that I no longer live but that I have been crucified with Christ.  That this life I live I live by faith in Him, who loves me and gave Himself  up for me.

Soaring into grace... Watching fear fall away... Drinking in perfect love... Drinking deeply of the reality that there really is now no condemnation for those that are in Christ.

Being transformed as He renewed my mind to His truth, His passion, His reality...

Neither do I condemn you... Go live.. Go walk with me...  Sinning is not your nature... You are called to soar into the ways of life that I opened up for you...  No other image but mine do you wear...  You wear it well...  

Hear me friends.... Hear Him...  

YOU WEAR IT WELL!!!!

No other image but His....  

Life, Death.. Murder... Forgiveness ..Missed and never forgotten.... Josiah's story ... More Redemption than ever thought...

What am I passionate about....


Freedom


Children


Courage


Love


Life


Truth


You


What I am thoroughly convinced of...


Him... His love.. His ways.. His beauty....


You..  You are created in His image (Genesis 1:27), You can not be plucked from His hand (John 10:28-29), You ravish the heart of the Almighty God, Lord of all Lords, King of all Kings, Creator of all things (Song of Solomon 4:9)



A series that began with my name and continued into a series of its own starting with the first posting of, Things I have run from and why I am stopping.... Mental Illness, Depression, and the Past- Part 1..
http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/things-i-have-run-from-and-why-i-am_2580.html
some what has transformed things for me...


In walking backwards into the past I have spring boarded into the future.  In touching the pain, in revisiting history I have set up remembrances of grace and mercy... of frailty and triumph... of life and death....


Back in October of 2009.. I entered into writing about Josiah.  This last season had him come to the forefront of our lives again.  Not that he ever leaves fully but life has brought healing and our God is masterful at redemption.  I will not alter the original post....  It was precious to me the things that I felt that the Lord was saying to me...

 But I will tell his story, our story.. a story of hope and redemption and life and celebration.. Death where is thy victory ... Oh Grave where is thy sting!

http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2009/10/ten-thousand-miles-and-beyond.html?updated-min=2009-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=49


I write because  having walked in these places I have been witness to all too many who go an entire life time never speaking, living under the weights of past failures... of past sins... Hoping with all hope that they are never discovered.  Never living fully boldly or confidently before a throne of grace because their hearts are so steeped in condemnation that might come from others but that definitely comes forth from their own depths.  So terrified of being found out... so shrouded by shame...


I walk not in self-preservation... Because there is nothing to preserve...  I have been crucified with Christ and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)


So Josiah's story.. My story with him is an eternal one.  I love him. I will meet him one day fully.  I have seen him in dreams and in the spirit and if that wigs you out you should go read Ezekiel, as well as   the great cloud of witnesses, and realize that upon the resurrection there were dead people walking around Jerusalem.  I'm not a theologian so I'll end there in regards to this subject. That is not the main point.


The main point is our God is amazing.  He is righteous and passionate and full of truth.  He is kind, He is gracious and He is forgiving.  I feel like I'm on a journey to open the eyes of people to how true it is that it is kindness that leads one to repentance, and mercy triumphs over judgement and perfect love casts out all fear.


So here we go leaping and jumping into freedom.


Over a month ago the pain of the reality of Josiah's life and death would come back around and  hit home for Jim.  As one who has been the strong one for me, he walked our family through very hard seasons.. being faithful to God and to me...  There are seasons of healing coming to all...


There would be a conversation I would have with my pastor's wife on a Friday afternoon.  I was already struggling with the issues of "the things I had done."  Having received so much healing for the things that had been done unto me, I was now experiencing empathy and compassion and remorse on new levels.  It was hard to not walk in condemnation.


I think the important place to pause is that for so long I had been in survival mode.  Survive whatever the cost.  I truly didn't have the capacity to step into caring about how my actions affected others, I was barely existing.  As one who was drowning it was hard enough  to tread the water to even get a gasp of air, let alone think about anything else.


But that had ceased being the case, my heart had received healing and the capacity to feel remorse had be birthed and my conscience was alive and strong, now the pain came.  The realizations of moments where my thoughts had only been upon myself and survival were now seeing the bigger picture and the ripple and tidal wave affects of those decisions that I had made upon those that I loved the most.


It wasn't so much the questions of "how could I have done such things?" because I can remember what walking in those times felt like and were like, it was more just a very deep sadness that I had caused so much harm, so much pain.


It was a precious conversation that I had that day as I navigated the thoughts and emotions of how much harm my choices had wrought upon the life of my husband and my family.   It was a safe place to process hideous thoughts about self and life and past and present.  It would continue a journey that has been ongoing since 1993.


Approaching twenty years... Our son would be 20.  If............................


We had come back east from California.  Life had been insane... oh you know, not even being saved for two years and a woman falls in love with the man you are going to marry and begins to hate you to the point where she is contemplating taking your life.  It was the real life version of a series of very unfortunate events.


But even without all that drama.  My heart and mind were exhausted.


I had found an amazing man, one who knew my story and knew me and loved me....  But I was crippled with more thoughts then I knew what to do with,  the fact that I had finally told my parents about some of the abuse I had experienced, only for them to question the other person and to be told I was just lying again.


 Well, I had lied so much that that was not a hard conclusion to come to but it was beneficial to them to believe it and they wanted to and so they did.  Except I was under the delusion that I couldn't live unless they knew the truth that finally I wasn't lying any longer.


Jim and I had gotten pregnant while still living in California.    He was so excited about becoming a dad.  I was tortured by the idea of becoming a mom.  I didn't want to be married any longer.  I didn't want to be pregnant any longer.  I felt trapped, imprisoned... daily reminded and taunted by my past.  I needed to escape.  I was convinced I couldn't live if my parents didn't know the truth and I was convinced there was no way I could ever be a mother.


We got back from out west and whatever was left within me completely crumbled...  On the days before entering Carrier  (  http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2013/03/behind-locked-doors-my-life-on.html  )
I would ask Jim to leave my parent's house, I would believe lies and I would make the worst decision of my life.


Josiah was going to die.  Our son would be aborted.


There are moments that are incomprehensible.   Graces granted were only guilt should be declared.  There are moments so fragile and so painful and so debilitating but the grace of God there would be no coming back from.  In the first blog post where I wrote about Josiah (link shared up above.)  I would talk about her,  another woman, another time... convicted, caught... guilty... finding grace...  those that would throw stones at her would first have to hear of their own guilt.  He who was without sin had no stone to cast, only words to speak, "Neither do I condemn you."


It is a famous Corrie Ten Boom quote that there is no pit that God isn't deeper still, and we are told in scripture that if we make our bed in Sheol He is there..... Do you believe it?


What about in a room where an abortion was taking place?  Would Christ be found there?  Do you believe that in your completely worse moments Christ is right by your side?


That is the majesty of the Lord we serve. As we are days away from Good Friday and the Celebration of His sacrifice. The reality of the fullness of that sacrifice most be felt, known, received.

My pastor, Jonathan Martin, of Renovatus Church.. would text me Sunday morning.  It was his wife I had spent hours on the phone with on Friday, receiving kindness, mercy, grace.  He was teaching about her, the woman caught in adultery...  he had heard my story and wanted to share it, keeping my name out of it... maintaining my dignity.


Jim and I have talked about Josiah often, shared about him.. this felt different.  It felt like a holy moment was upon us.  I had no idea.  Having been struggling with the guilt of my past and the pain of my choices I would listen to my pastor preach.. you have got to listen to this man preach.. it is amazing!  He had stepped into this series of woman and Jesus.  He was going preach on "The Men Who Got Caught Throwing Rocks."
(  http://renovatuschurch.com/media.php?pageID=5  )  You must truly listen to this message.. You must truly listen to the whole series, Seen!


I would listen to him share our story and a grace would flood me and forgiveness and tenderness would go ever deeper still....


So I would be there.. laying there and no in a dream, not in a vision... but Jesus would come and stand by my side.   He would hold one of my hands while placing His other hand upon my heart.  I remember looking at Him, and looking at the nurse and the doctor and couldn't imagine how they were not getting saved.


But as our son passed from life to LIFE.. Jesus was standing by my side.. keeping my focus upon His eyes full of love, life, hope and promise... Not at all condoning but not at all condemning.  His presence that day kept a very frail and fragile mind and heart and life together.  His presence that day has lived forward and shouted aloud how deeply I am forgiven.. How truly full His grace is.....  That even when making a bed in Sheol He is there.   He is there... waiting and able to walk you out...


Jim's grandmother would pass away.  At her funeral I would have a vision of her standing over her casket and she was holding a little boy's hand.  I knew it was Josiah.  I knew it was him.  I didn't know how to tell Jim.  I wanted to but I didn't know how to... We got in the car and I looked at him,  "Josiah has a grandmother's hand to hold."  Jim looked at me, "You saw that too?!?"  In a moment the Lord had allowed us both to behold our son.


The years would pass and the Lord would woo my heart towards motherhood and towards a confidence that He does indeed make all things new....  He would walk me through having children, He would walk me out of Sheol and into a life I never thought I could live... Because that is what He does...  He brings forth life from death.  Hope from despair. Joy from sorrow.  Our redeemer lives...


Oh Death where is thy victory.. Oh Grave where is thy sting...

Behind locked doors... My life on Elizabeth Hall: What a day in the life at the Carrier Clinic was like for me..

Twenty years ago today I would step into the out patient program that the Carrier Clinic offered.  It was on the heals of having been an in residence patient for twenty-eight days.  The Carrier Clinic, in their own words, is "One of the largest private, not-for-profit behavioral healthcare facilities in New Jersey."


There could be much written about the days and seasons that preceded the moments I stood on Elizabeth hall and heard the doors shut and lock behind me.  In all honesty it felt like the safest moment of my life.  I did not feel locked in.  I felt like the world was locked out.  It was no longer up to me to keep myself safe, a burden I had carried for far too long.


Twenty years ago I would leave their inpatient program, but the twenty-eight days that I lived within the confines of that hallway gave me back my life.


Having felt like I lost my faith, that I had gone too far, committed sins that were unforgivable, had lived a life beyond repair... I needed truth to be spoken, I needed safety to be established and I needed to meet God all over again.


What I remember most about Elizabeth Hall was the inscription an elderly lady wrote me in my journal the day before I was going to leave...  "You taught me to love God again."  Twenty-eight days....  Had I met God?  In quiet and still ways I began to find my legs again, nothing grand or spectacular... but moments full of grace...


I couldn't pray... I could barely breath...


But there was a chapel right off of Elizabeth Hall that I was allowed to go to... I would sit in that chapel day in and day out for hours,  not in prayer but with song.  I would sit and sit and sit in that chapel, looking at the cross... looking at the windows... I would open my heart up and sing all the songs I had learned in the almost two years that I had known Him.  I would sing.  I couldn't think.  I didn't want to think.  But singing was different.


I would sit there and unbeknown to me a crowd would gather outside the door.  It would be a couple weeks before I realized there was an audience but to me it didn't matter... There was only one I needed to hear my song... So I sang and sang and sang...


The one song that would pour forth from my lips over and over again  would declare that He was the Lord of the Dance, that He was the Lord of my life..  within the lyrics of the song I would find my plea  to be lead forward wherever I would be found..  I needed Him to lead me forward back into life...

I danced in the morning

I danced in the morning 

when the world was begun, 

and I danced in the moon 

and the stars and the sun, 

and I came down from heaven 

and I danced on the earth, 

at Bethlehem 

I had my birth. 

Refrain: 

Dance, then, wherever you may be, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he, 

and I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, 

and I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he. 

I danced for the scribe 

and the pharisee, 

but they would not dance 

and they wouldn't follow me. 

I danced for the fishermen, 

for James and John - 

they came with me 

and the dance went on. 

Refrain: 

Dance, then, wherever you may be, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he, 

and I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, 

and I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he. 

I danced on the Sabbath 

and I cured the lame; 

the holy people 

said it was a shame. 

they whipped and they stripped 

and they hung me on high, 

and they left me there 

on a Cross to die. 

Refrain: 

Dance, then, wherever you may be, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he, 

and I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, 

and I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he. 

I danced on a Friday 

when the sky turned black; 

it's hard to dance 

with the devil on your back. 

They buried my body 

and they thought I'd gone, 

but I am the Dance, 

and I still go on. 

Refrain: 

Dance, then, wherever you may be, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he, 

and I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, 

and I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he. 

They cut me down 

and I leapt up high; 

I am the life 

that'll never, never die; 

I'll live in you 

if you'll live in me - 

I am the Lord 

of the Dance, said he. 

Refrain: 

Dance, then, wherever you may be, 

I am the Lord of the Dance, said he, 

and I'll lead you all, wherever you may be, 

and I'll lead you all in the Dance, said he.