I remember the first time I would be
asked to share concerning some very specific stories regarding my
past. I was standing off to the side of the room and my friend came
over to me. He looked at me and asked the famous question of his,
“Do you trust me?” I actually really do trust that person and so
I answered as such and then came his request and I thought I trust
you and then thought of all the “buts” that could come, or I could
take a deep breath and answer that I would do what he was asking.
There are so many moments where we
stand at the brink of something. Those moments where we look at what
is being asked of us and all the paths we could possibly take and in
what is usually just seconds we decide. Of course there are those
times where we answer with more of a, “can I think about it?”
response. But even with that there are choices.
Choices. The cost of making them and
living them out. What can be spoken in a moment can then take a life
time to walk out. To take or not take action, to speak or not to
speak, to change or not change and so it goes. We make thousands of
choices daily.
Who we are? How we respond? Eat? Where?
What? How? When? Priorities and again so it goes forth from there.
Recent events and having to step up and
speak out for my son, and against hate and hit walls that I would
have never fathomed would be present
(https://www.facebook.com/ImthemomandIhaveavoice)
have served to show me a good deal about who I am, where I am strong,
where I am weak, where I am capable and where my deficits scream
loudly into my ears.
One of the things I have learned about
myself more than anything is that I am conquering fear. And for
those of you who don't know me that is huge. I remember the first
time a gentleman who I loved listening to would preach about fear and
towards the end of his sermon would give an offering for prayer
concerning the things he was speaking about. I wouldn't make it up
the aisle to get to the front as I would just go to my knees and
realize how much fear had impeded my life.
So to make a statement like that or not
even about fear forget about some of the other things I have publicly
shared about my life. Here are the thoughts.. What will people think
of me? What if I come across looking stupid? What if I hit something
where I don't know what to do? And so on and so forth...
More recently it wasn't as if this huge boldness and courage came upon me and I stood, it was I stood and took deep breaths and opened my mouth. Silencing the voices of fear that raged within me and setting my heart and my eyes on the fact that once again hate and ignorance don't get to stamp down upon my life and close my mouth.
There is a cost to living a vulnerable
and transparent life and as life continues and opportunities to be
vulnerable and transparent present themselves in ways I never
anticipated I have found that that is truly who I am.
Why?
Why be
so self-disclosing?
Believe me it isn't because I have some Jerry
Springer humiliate myself desire. It is because I have seen the
personal cost of living such a life be far out weighed by the change
it brings in others lives and I have watched how the things we so
hunger to say but never say bring such harm. And if I can be a
conduit for anything it would be that hidden and dark things get
exposed so that lives get to flourish.
So I will walk... when I am unsure of
myself I will ask for help and when I have failed I will admit error
and fault and take accountability, I will stand and speak out about
the stigmas that people want other people to wear. I will as far as
it is with me and with the grace of God open my mouth time and time
again whether it is to speak out against hate and ignorance or to
share how it is very possible to overcome violence and abuse.
I am so thoroughly aware that the
things people don't say are the very things that they need to say and
that hearts need to be made free from the weights upon them and the
secrets kept. Voices combine to form a choir and strength is found
in numbers. And when I can walk within a collective community then I
am stronger and better off but no matter what I will walk and I will
sing because I have seen the lands of darkness have to succumb to
the dawning of new days and I have tasted and seen goodness in a land
full of life and I am not going back.
