All this because a Heavenly beast like creature stepped into my laundry room ….

I am learning to forget about road maps... or plans... I have seen myself writing from this place for years and have not ever been able to step in or participate... not thinking that I have missed it but that it has been drawing me towards this moment for a very long time and there is gate now that I am willing to enter through and places to put my steps... a winding path... at times.. more like the seemingly random stones you step on to cross over a stream... but step by step or curve by curve I have stepped into an Alice in Wonderland type reality.

Still the mom of six kids and still a wife.... still with daily responsibilities but also now living with eyes that have been flung further open and a heart willing more than ever to walk with Him... He has held out His hand and gazed at me with a look that speaks more than thousands upon thousands of words.... My heart has been wooed towards weakness... my being is becoming settled in the unknown... the uncharted....

It startles me more and more how much life goes unseen.. the countless .. numerous invitations to take a hold of His hand... gaze into His gaze … walk where He walks... it interrupts.. it isn't convenient … but my eyes are made wider and wider and my Grinch like heart and soul grow size after size....

one part cries irresponsible while the other place hears the beckoning and allows the wooing and comes... It is a trust walk unto Him unlike I have ever walked... listening.. He truly does direct my path.. my own understanding certainly not leaned upon … learning to trust Him more thoroughly then I ever thought.. as flesh cries out and bawks and soul enters into places ever so timidly... But the hunger in my spirit overrides.. more than that it is His gaze.. His presence found here... Him... beyond gaze.. beyond presence.. Him.. Him … standing there looking at Him.... feeling Him... knowing He is ever looking over my shoulder.. knowing there is no place I go He does not see... knowing there is no place I tread that He doesn't care....

Taking Him at His word.... the plunge has been taken.. the cliff jumped off of.... Liken this season of weakness as the moments prior to Elisha's servant eyes being made open... before I didn't see all that surrounded me and now... well, now I am anticipating how truly full the reality is once the eyes are opened and once it is seen that greater are those that are with us then those we see that are against us....

Standing in front of my washer machine.. putting the first of what will be many loads of laundry in this weekend... a beast appears to my right and I feel like I have been hijacked into a realm beyond me.... standing there I think very quickly... “good beast? Bad beast?” But it doesn't take long to sense his heart.. to know who it is he worships... and I smile because I am in the company of one who I will know for all eternity..

“He wants you to write...”

What? Laundry calls today... do you see this house... do you see that room.. those dishes... all the thoughts that go through my head....

And then the room fills with Him... the familiar wooing..... and I stand there... thinking clean or listen... clean or listen...

As I write this I realize the importance of these moments...

I had choice... I saw clearly and heard clearly but it didn't start that way in the beginning.. they were simple unclear moments out of the peripheral of my eyes... they were a twinge of longing to be with Him... they were a thought that could be so easily dismissed... Even over the last few days wooings have been ignored... His desire for me to write in this moment.. step into that moment... to know Him.. invitations and beckonings and moments not taken.

Remembering this morning standing in front of my washer and thinking of all that needed to get done today on my timing and my schedule I think upon the creature... I think upon Him, my Lord....His wooing and I wondered.... wondered what does it mean to give into these moments where I am being drawn towards other things..... You might say it is an obvious choice and I would say it is a choice …. moment by moment.. day by day....

I want it to be said of me the same as Jesus... that I see the Father and what He is doing and that I can only do that which He is doing and that I can do nothing of my own accord..... His ways.. His path.. His day...

The more I step.. the less I ignore... the more I enter... the more I see... touching that creature today... feeling his created essence.... feeling the atmosphere of Heaven so readily upon him. I am being changed... being birthed into something I do not even slightly comprehend... I know this from a place of weakness that this is all being birthed.... in stepping into weakness.. in embracing the reality of the unseen and how it interacts and mingles with the here and now I am being changed...

Elisha's servant was granted strength and courage as his eyes were opened and made aware.....

We are not big at speaking prophetic words that say things like in this season or in this time.... but the reality is as those who have their citizenship in another place... it is time for us to be more acquainted with those realities and it is time for us to allow the mindset of Heaven to fill our beings..... as ambassadors of one place to another we need to know the place from which we come all the more intimately.. and realize that there is far more that is for us then we have ever stopped to think or imagine or wonder.....

All this because a Heavenly beast like creature stepped into my laundry room ….

Having stepped away and about to step back I am changed... altered.. made stronger... the reality of Heaven more upon my mind … His wooing landing upon my heart.... His passion for me granted access into my being... Having not leaned on my own understanding but in this way acknowledging Him... He has actually washed away the feelings of being overwhelmed by all the tasks of the weekend and I feel even more able to accomplish them not in my own strength but in a strength granted straight from the place where my Father is worshipped...

And as I finish.. as my fingers and my heart know this time is coming to an end.... I see up towards Him and I hear the “Holy.. Holy.. Holy...” and I am reminded of whose I am … and of where I am from...

Off to do another load of laundry... off to fold.. and put away.. off to clean and organize... off to wander into a day of the seen and the unseen... citizen of Heaven walking upon the earth.... Daughter to a most amazing Father.... Beloved.. adored... treasured... understanding my worth more and more .. little bit by little bit.... Because He lavishes His love upon us... and woos us from deep unto deep

What I did when my heart fainted in a store parking lot....

There are times it doesn't seem like anything will prosper forget get easier...


Sitting in my car when I need to have gotten into the grocery store already I lowered my head on the stirring wheel and sighed....


Thinking through the day.. Thinking through the moments... But sitting here having gotten my period for the second time since a miscarriage .. I wanted to text a friend, " I thought this month would be easier.." and even while knowing I need to get into the grocery store and get my stuff done and just push through... Our Father began to speak and I knew...


A friend of mine takes walks with God as he sorts things out .. Throwing sticks as he processes through the stuff of days and life...


My friend had encouraged me to find "my stick." And a couple of days ago as I sat and felt Father's hand on my back my mind began to write and a peace and sorting out began to happen even before my fingers could hit the keyboard... I could sense the immense pleasure of God in the moment.. His delight worn upon the smile upon His face ...


And I knew... I knew He would meet me in moments liken unto these that were occurring ... If I would take the time.. His presence would lead me to thoughts.. And whether upon my heart or actually on a screen we would write together..


"It was quite a day today.. " I said in my heart towards Him and I thought about texting my friend... He interrupted and said "throw sticks... Write words.. Visit me.."


So sitting in the parking lot of the supermarket I still hadn't entered and looking at the time... I pushed the chair back and put my foot up and began to cry...


"I really had thought this month would have been easier... I really wanted this month to be easier... "

We weren't even trying to have another baby and we are in both our hearts done adding to our family. The longevity of the grief has startled me... But He draws my attention back to a year... A years worth of moments... And it goes beyond the miscarriage and beyond a sick child and beyond dissolved relationships.. Beyond 90 degree plus learning curves and it hits the question..


Can I trust God?


Habakkuk comes to mind..



Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18...

Can God be trusted when nothing goes to plan ? Forget goes to plan.. How about can God be trusted when all plans hit the fan along with all the excrement ....


And other words from a dear friend float through my head and land upon my heart.. God could do all things and in doing the things He does He truly does have higher ways.... In lacking momentary understanding and being rash I could falter and allow my heart to live faint...

Except ...

In that "Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail.

Lamentations 3:18-22


Who I am standing in this place is very different from the girl who stood last year at this time.... amidst loss and trial I have not been delivered out of... Instead I have leaned... Been carried.. Fallen down and sat and wept .. AND.... AND...
AND... Learned the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living... I have been and am being transformed into His likeness...


So sitting in my car still having not entered the store and still not having my heart fully made whole or strong I sit.... I sit thinking I thought this month would have been easier.. Thinking of the grief over a year of loss... Private.. Corporate.. Family... A year of loss ....


My husband spoke about waste places last Sunday.. How God will comfort Zion... God will come along side her and bring restoration... He will meet us there... And I sit in some of those places watching as God does come along side and bring forth life...


It looks quite different then I ever anticipated ... And then His smile.. And His glance and I hear His words.. "the meek inherit..."


I look around the landscape of my life and though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."


For I see being harvested even greater things and in the waste places I will linger and wait for He comes to me here and so very thoroughly He changes me ...

How this girl walks the distant shores and invites you to do the same

Driving down the road my thoughts drifted to this one girl that I had talked to earlier in the week... We had talked about ministry.... and as I thought of her my heart felt sad and I thought of a follow up conversation that I wanted to have with her..... As I thought of all the things that I wanted to say about ministry to her all of a sudden I was on the edge of waters and sand.... holding His hand... walking with Him.... and all that I am made up of melted.... relief... breath.... peace.... holding His hand and walking with Him.... and Home... Home... Home...... I soaked it all in......

Why do I write this piece this morning? I write as a visitor on foreign soil..... and there were things on His heart to share... but not to necessarily share what He was speaking but the process.... You see you won't get fullness of life from hearing the words that flow forth from His heart into mine... In those moments that encompassed me driving .. me thinking of a precious precious daughter of our King  to being with Him on the shores... to Him opening up the moments that transpired before those events.... There were things of His heart for me to share about the process because He wants you o enter in and not live off the experiences of others but to walk into the deep darknesses like Moses.. not stand afar being satisfied to let the “moseses” to walk before you and know God for you....

So I was sitting in my car...

driving down a highway...

my thoughts on nothing in particular...

Then I thought of this beautiful human being...

I thought of the words she shared..

I thought of her heart..

I thought of her face

I thought of her

I thought and I thought of how ministry and “working” for God robs the heart of the wealth He comes to bring......

I thought of her and I thought of her

I thought of a walk I wanted to have with her

I thought of a conversation that I wanted to have with her...

Then I could ever so faintly feel a shift coming... (here's the reason I share... it was beyond faint in the beginning... )

To share that the moments that came forward could have been so easily dismissed and shaken away as just fancy... as just my imagination.... as nothing... And yet... oh my … and yet... in that moment it was heaven touching earth... wooing me to higher... wooing me to Him... wooing me to enter in.. An invitation... a beckoning... not a demand... not forced..... a most magnificent and beautiful calling forth for me to touch Home.......

I know that I know that I know how many times I have allowed the noises of this world to drown out those sweet invitations... shaking them off as nothing.... shaking them off as me... shaking off my Maker... Creator... King.... because in arrogance I assume that it is just the winds of fancy while in the truest of realities it is the whispers of Heaven....

So I went from thinking of my friend... to the distant shores.... lungs breathing in the air that saturates my very being and makes me whole.... holding a hand that was pierced for me.... standing next to the one whose strength I am very much in need..... listening to the waters cascading upon the shores that I call Home.....

As I stood on the distant shores... a picture floated into my head... and I saw myself laying face down upon the sands …. beyond the touch of the waters but face down … and He approached... Compassion put me back upon my feet.... gentleness lifted me up... kindness lifted my head.. passion took hold of my hand......

What was He doing? Showing the moments before the walk...... showing the moments before I had even thought of my friend... showing me how thoroughly He sees... showing me that the befores... showing me that the afters... showing me the nows... showing me how thoroughly He is always pursuing... showing me that I don't think upon Him but His wooing... and His wooing is forever and always beckoning......

I am stranger on foreign soil.. and my Home is always and forever only a breath away... I am not a stranger of that place.. that place is Home.. Home.. Home.. .This place and its ways are what is temporary...... I am bringing forth the reality of a place that knows no sorrow.. no sadness.... no tears.... no sickness.. no death.... no lies.. no corruption... no destruction..... I carry that reality with me at all times.... at all times... it courses its way through me and in me and it is what surrounds me... always … always.... in the moments when I am aware... in the moments I am unaware.....

His tangible reality is always at hand as much needed as the very air I breath... as very real.... if the air were to be removed I would fall down instantly in death.... and even more so with His presence.... It is the sustaining beauty and love of He who rules all Heaven that calls the morning to awaken... and the stars to shine and sing...... It is He who swirls and sustains me and in His own words never forsaking.. never leaving...... In Him I live and breath and have my being... In Him you live and breath and have your being... Where can you go that He is not there?

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

Psalm 139: 8-12

In the faintest movements .. in the real of whispers .. He beckons... He woos.... He invites.... Our hearts know... our starving... our hungry inner most beings know..... desire..... long.... Listen to He who calls you forth... allow the sweetest of beckonings land upon your heart today.... and take hold of  He who has taken hold of you ever so firmly.....

The Peripheral of my Eye ... A Gateway

The day had already been full of some extreme experiences as I settled into sitting down and writing... But unbeknown to me the most beautiful of moments was about to be embarked upon ...



Sitting in a parked car with legs hanging out the window .. Reclining in the driver's seat .. Staring at the brilliant blue sky.. The warmth of the early South Carolina evening filled the air...



Earlier I had been in BJs as Father's hand came down upon my shoulder steading me from some felt frailties ... So real a moment that I placed my hand upon the same shoulder knowing full well that my hand was resting upon the presence of His..
Leaning into that moment I could feel strength entering my body .. More than strength was the presence of love.. His love and His compassion.., the truth of His affections ... The weight of them... The reality of them.. Nothing can touch ... Those moments took the weights of sorrow.. The burdens of the moment and turned them into a sweet gladness and acknowledgement of His love...



But now sitting in the car relishing the thick warm air I was to be ushered into a reality that could have all so easily been dismissed...



"Look forward ," He said. I could see His smiling face... Knowing He was up to something but not knowing what it was I did as I was asked with a matching smile across my own face...



Standing in front of me as if I could run to Him and touch Him and embrace Him and never let Him go ... He beckoned me to stay settled where I was... Everything in me wanting to run to Him.. Everything in me reacting to the nearness of His being... My breathing racing .. My heart beating... And yet His desire was that I would still myself and linger in the moment ....



Again He spoke... "There is more for you,"
And then before I could think not to utter a complaint before the magnificence of Him... "what could possibly be more?" and I broke into sobs..



Again I wept.. "what, what... My Lord.. What could possibly be more.. More than this .. More than You?"



Sobs now racking my body... Everything in me listening to Him but everything in me yearning for Him all the same... He was there.. Within reach.. Within the capacity to hold Him and be held by Him and yet it was His truest desire for me to stay as I was and still myself ...



The look that came across only served to both weaken and strengthen my heart... In His look was an understanding of me that in its fullness was one of the most amazing things I had ever witnessed and yet a resolve so string emanated forth from Him that my soul was brought to a calm so solid and peaceful that the already warm air mingled with the warmth of His majesty and the moment became magic.... The Kingdom on earth ...



"I want you to look towards me but from the edge of your eye look away."



Within His instruction I can't fully express that which I felt.. His care for me in those moments beyond comprehension... At least mine... He was bringing forth instruction that would serve me a long time.. I could feel it... Again He, in all His wisdom... Knowing me so thoroughly.. So intimately.. Knowing what I needed from Him beyond anything.. He was instructing me for life... Life in Him..



While I yet am called to walk upon the earth I am His... Belong to Him.. Desire Him.. His citizen ... His prize .. His future bride... And I felt that .. I felt the heart of a groom instructing the one He desires to have life and love and affection...



In the moments that followed... Out of the corner of my eye... Facing Him but seeing what He desired me to see... I saw how the peripheral vision that was created within humanity was a gateway to the Home... So easily able to dismissed but if trusted and if acknowledged led the heart of the believer into the most magnificent of journeys and reality...



Facing Him but looking out of the corner of my left eye .. I saw what was better... Better to the Lord.. My Lord ... Better for me than the very lover of my soul.. Was what He came to make known...



As I looked I saw strength ... I saw fullness.... I saw Father...



"To become the bride.. My bride... You must become the daughter... His daughter... "



The roar of Heaven filled my ears... An roar? An applause ? The sound was intense .... And then it all became clear ... The "Holy... Holy... Holy" echoing throughout the chambers... Was so beyond intense I felt as though I would melt ...



But then other words... His voice sounding like thunder and yet softer than a kitten.... Compassion took form.. No longer an idea or concept but alive and full and full of form...



"you, my daughter, come forth from me.. You will come back to me... I have always known you and in knowing you.. I have always loved you ..."



Marking me as His daughter ... His presence came forth from there and lighted upon my heart and my mind and my eyes.. Branding me as His own... Covering me with His affections .. More real .. More tangible... His affections being placed upon me as a garment ... Declaring that I belonged to Him..



The declaration reverberating forth throughout all that was before me..



And I knew that I was never alone...
And I knew I would never be alone
And I knew that from the corner of my eye I would always be able to see Him... Always be able to see where I have already been seated...



Staring back at Him as He stood there and knowing how surrounded I am by all that is eternal .. I smiled and stayed my ground... For He was right... The gift He gave in those moments were beyond what I had wanted to lay ahold of ...



We smiled... He nodded... And He was gone... I thought of words that had been spoken earlier on in the day.. Of how He vanishes once we know.. Once we see...



The 16th anniversary of my biological father's death was just a couple days ago.. Those stories are long and not for here but He, my Lord, came alongside so I could hear the declarations of the One who was always.. Is always .. And will for always be my Father.... I knew that more firmly than ever before.. I was laying ahold of the reality of exactly whose I was and that which that meant.. And He had provided the door ...



I am and was and forever shall always be His daughter ... And He, my Savior... Redeemer... Friend, is the most magnificent Way.. Truth... Life... Path ..



I am loved beyond my wildest imagination... And that delights my soul...