Not religious platitudes....

As I have listened to my friend teach  to look at the nature and character of things I have so  fallen completely  more in love with our God... Looking at the nature and character of the world... Of the enemy of our souls... Then of Him... His goodness melts me and inside I am wooed towards His greatness ... This world and the suffering and sorrow that abide here...  The trials... The tribulations...  Then the enemy whose nature is to devour... To destroy...   It all causes me to pause and in awe be silenced for what is man that our God would be mindful of us and yet He is... He so thoroughly is.... The truth regarding Him and His affections are beyond the scope of what we could ever fathom ...  And this morning as  I think about He has not left us alone to face hardships or evil... But having equality with God He did not consider it something to be grasped at but laid it down and took the form of a bond-servant... As I think upon this morning and all the moments of decision that came upon me .. I pause and allow gratitude to arise...   For when I am afraid or confronted with issues too large for me to grasp.. When looking into another's life, or considering which direction to walk in... When seeing suffering and sickness around me I need not fear...  And those my dear friends are not religious platitudes but words of strength and peace and confidence.. Not of myself but leaning against His vast and unending resources I take a deep breath, pause and praise... 

Being left wanting is not a horrific place to be....

Oh My!! Is about all I can say about this time in my life...  He gently nudges me towards memories and then just as gently asks of me to share....  no demands... no requirements... just a request... and the ways the requests are made my heart is wooed to His desires...

So here I go.. opening up another chapter.. another story... I've known for a while that the testimony of the goodness of God in my life isn't just for those who have had pasts like mine but for those that walk along side them....

When I see families now who have a loved one struggling with life and issues of emotions there is often little hope that there can be a day when things will be different...  and I get to stand and give hope that even for where they find themselves walking there is hope, joy, peace... there is life... for there is God... and He is gentle and He kind and He is compassionate and He never breaks a bruised reed or puts out a smoldering wick...

I get to talk about One who has done so much for my life that He took me in and He loved me and He strengthened me and He called me His own ... and though the nature of the world is that I will have trials and tribulations I need not ever fear for His nature is One of the Overcomer.....

I get to give hope...

So today as I walked our dog I knew what I would come back to and sit down with....  this is that...

I never expected to live beyond youth...  I didn't have a picture of life... I didn't learn how to function the way one needs to function properly in the world... I would manage for a season and then plummet...  academically, emotionally, physically.....

I can't fully think back to those days and remember any real train of thought.... there was more just existence... survival.....

So as an adult I struggled with the basics.... the basics of living... the basics of scheduling a day... scheduling a life....  thinking through and beyond the moment into the future...

As I said I never thought I would have a future... so there wasn't a need to plan...

I remember the loneliness of survival...  survival of the proverbial fittest... and that wasn't at all me ....  I remember dark nights sitting alone trying to come to grips with the fact I thought I was pregnant at 13 with someone's baby who sexual encounters should never have occurred with  .....  How then does one get up the next day and care about algebra?

I walked hallways and watched others quite as a zombie... alive not but living... breathing but barely...  alone in a world of secrets and lies and darkness...

Even then as adult.. I knew there was something wrong with my mind.. emotionally I could barely keep things together... but knew enough or had learned enough survival characteristics that I didn't speak... I didn't ask for help...  when I did try to convey where I was the looks, or expressions, or words would show me that I misstepped in sharing and I would close my mouth back up... and again enter into the darkest of places.. alone... bewildered... afraid.. ashamed...

No hope... only despair... getting through each moment was hell and there was no hope that it would ever be different...

My drugs of choice were food, entertainment, shopping... then ministry... If I gave you a ten dollar bill and I truly gave it to you.. I would never ask for it back .. it was a gift and it would be yours to spend....  so ministry... hhhmmmm... walking in revelation... knowing what God was doing... was like breathing to me... it is a gift but for a long time I got comfort when I could walk into that place and feel important...

However there are always others... and there are always failures.. and when gifting is your identity .. your drug...  you will stumble.. it is just a matter of time...  those weights were never meant for your shoulders... God in His kindness will always fight to woo you back to the heart of the matter....  to Him... You aren't that ten dollar bill.. you aren't the gift... you are so much more

So even in that realm.. I faltered.. even in that realm I allowed performance, comparison, identity... etc etc to steal my breathe and leave me wanting...

But you know being left wanting is not a horrific place to be...

For me it would entice me to lift my eyes up.. every now and then... I would lift my eyes up to the hills away from shopping.. away from eating.. away for entertainment ... away from detaching from reality... away from disassociating from pain....

I would lift my eyes up...

Covered with the effects of my journey my heart would hunger for something more....  without always even knowing it exactly I was being wooed towards my Father's house...

And there would come a day where upon my finger I would allow Him to place His ring and around my shoulder I would allow Him to place His cloak... And into my heart I would allow Him to walk further in.... those moments don't just speak of the initial moment of salvation.. although they saved me every time... they speak of a life whose focus is into that face .. the face of compassion.. the face of comfort... the face of overcomer.. the face of savior... lover... friend... the face of my Lord...

I learned to want Him  more than I cared what I looked like and in that place He brought help... and I've had to remember that lesson time and time again.... want Him ... allow Him... no facade.. no pretend face... no silence.. no shame... no humiliation.. to walk earnestly with the Lord and allow weakness to show His strength... I am His... His daughter.. and He delights in me.... 

For the Lord is my help, I shall not be afraid... what can man do to me ... well.. man can do quite a lot... but my Lord ... my Lord in those moments can do far more then I could ever think or imagine....

Blessed be His name... I am so very grateful for His kindnesses and His generosity .... He woos me further and further in and I am one who is absolutely convinced that the goodness of His nature will always triumph.... 

When one's heart falters His unyielding and impenetrable strength roars in.....

I woke up with fear on my chest and sorrow in my heart and to His voice... His voice .. His beautiful.. magnificent voice... "The voice of the Lord is powerful. The voice of the Lord is full of majesty." (AMP) Psalm 29:4 The last verse of that same psalm speaks forth this... "The Lord will give unyielding and impenetrable strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace."

I don't know about you but I need... absolutely .. 100% need the Lord's gift of unyielding and impenetrable strength... and I need to be His and I need His peace....

I woke up this morning with heart sickness and lacking air at the remembrances of places I have traveled and things I have touched..... Not the things you would suppose .. not the abuse... not the horror... but the being left alone... being so left alone in such dark places that my heart would faint over and over and over again... the things in life that declare to a child safety and belonging lacking .. oh so very much lacking...

 His voice came rushing to speak towards the fear that was present... the fear that stole my breath away was full of the lies of not belonging....  being able to identify them as lies was powerful for me .. as they tried to lay a hold of my heart and press in their message I was able to push back...

 1 Peter 2:10 .."For you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."

I know what not being a "people" per se can do to one's life... no safety, no security, no sense of well being, no sense of belonging... this morning I thought of what my friend teaches about the heart of an orphan...  No place to call their own, no family name to bare....

I have had this picture of an orphan in my head for days since I heard him speak on it... I have pictured a child walking the streets... looking up at faces .. faces all around...  I have seen a picture of this child watching other families .. other children holding onto the hands of parents... being held in the arms of parents... being nurtured and cared for and loved and protected from the elements as when rain would begin to fall...

 I have pictured this child watching others eating and feeling their own hunger .... I have pictured this child in the hands of strangers who for a period of time might take them in... but that child never fully belongs... never fully as the rights of a son or a daughter in that place.... knowing in their heart that if they disappeared no one would notice... their absence not felt by anyone.. the seemingly insignificant placement of an orphan...  facing the world alone

And I hear Christ's words .. when I was in prison, when I was hungry, when I was naked, when I was sick....  My heart knows what that need is... the heaviness of heart when naked and sick and hungry and locked in a cell no one comes....

Fear would have told me today that all will be taken away... that that place once touched is not truly far removed... I have seen relationships falter... I have seen communities torn apart... and this morning the lies that awoke me to the dawn were screaming their assault.... and while upon my soul they could affect my emotions... the strength of the Lord roared in stronger...impenetrable... unyielding... magnificent.. and along with His peace He spoke to me  head over to the computer to place fingers on a keyboard and meet Him there...

And His comfort rolled in with the dawn and He, He who stands firm, immovable, impenetrable... He who stands strong ...  wrapped His arm around and spoke, "For you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God."  I am His daughter and nothing ... nothing can separate me from that placement....

 I have learned that though my mother and father forsake me (place in that blank mother and father whatever you would.. church, friends, family... etc)  The Lord will receive me, the Lord will hold me close, the Lord will take me in, the Lord will take me up, the Lord will take care of me........

So I pray for you my friends today that in places of your heart where an orphan type tendency would exist you would feel the comfort of Father .. where fear would rage in and declare that you are no one's.. belonging no where.. that the truth of you now being a people.. and now having received mercy will strengthen you from on high...  and His peace will flow unto you and invade every portion of your being...

Breaking the stigma

I keep hearing the phrase that those things that we aren't speaking are killing us.... I have heard it upon the wind of the atmosphere almost continually for weeks now... It has carried me forward upon its wings and propelled me to open my mouth... I have shared publicly within meetings and have now begun to write down portions of my journey I have never uttered before...

I share these things for those that walk similar roads and for those that walk those roads with them... I also share these things for all... for within us all is that fear .. that concern that we will be found out and if we are what then would be our lot.... Whether it is our proverbial darker side or events of past or present there are things we carry upon ourselves because of shame and the fear of humiliation that are causing us to suffocate and hindering us from soaring as sons and daughters of The Most High...

I long to be one who comes along and as in the words of Marianne Williamson (quoted by Nelson Mandela) “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." 

I have been liberated and in my freedom so desire to speak of things that aren't spoken of... desire to open up pathways for others to walk upon... Once having shrunk back from all that was my story I now place it in the hands of Father and will watch and wait upon Him...

So here is a new story.. one I have never written out before....

I remember the days before the diagnosis... I remember what they felt like... I remember driving around and around town because of a panic so deep inside that I couldn't breathe... I remember calling friends frantically trying to explain to someone that it didn't just feel like a bad day or a string of bad days... it felt like I was coming undone and couldn't stop the process....

I couldn't rest.. I couldn't pause... I was horrified by the frenzy and yet needed to keep going at all costs...

Some of the worst moments were yet to come....

What I remember of those days is only a portion... a part....

The first moments were in regards to a phone call... Hearing the words, “when we spoke earlier,” from a friend only brought confusion... Trying to cover up lack ( I didn't remember any earlier conversation) I tried to go with the flow but events were about to unfold that wouldn't be so easily covered up...

Standing in a grocery store with no recollection of how I got there or where exactly there was.. that sadly would happen all too often... Not the grocery store per se but places and locations.. once as far away from home as 8 hours.... Awakening from a daze or a state of confusion I would emerge and bewilderment and horror would set in... fear was a companion that would not let go...

Then there are the stories from the dearest of friends of how through a string of events... such as my then 3 year old not showing up for school... and phone calls among friends .. I would be discovered in bed unaware of surroundings with my sweet three year old playing by the side of my bed....that day I would come aware in the arms of a friend in the safety of her house....

Such was my life with a fractured soul.. mind... whatever you desire to call it..the big labels are scarier.. but carry no more or no less with them... I know the events that had left me in such a state and I knew the state that I was in … what no one could know was how it was going to all be played out.... Between the love and dedication of a few and with counseling we began to walk through territory that was uncharted … at least for us... unsure of length of time... I was in my early 30s.. would it be a life time... would it be years... what would be … my husband having to face the realities of his wife's mental capacity... four young children needing a mother to love and guide them... the reality of the brokenness was far reaching and scary.. the unknown large and overshadowing...

But One is so much larger and overshadows things that would overshadow.. within 9 months and through a set of miraculous events a transformation would occur that would even leave the Christian counselors looking in awe and potential disbelief....

But healed and more whole then I had ever known we emerged from the shadows of death....

What lingered was the shame... the humiliation... the horror of where I had been... the stigma of the labels....You don't have to had touched multiple personality disorders, or disassociative identity disorders to touch shame, humiliation, fear, the stigma of a label...

So I take my pebbles and I look at my giants upon a field where many an observer dare not tread and I go and face down stigma and label.... a dearest of friends once told me that as a child I had just been clever enough to find the counterfeit way to hide oneself in a safe place... but that the truth was there is a safe place so authentic and so magnificent that it shelters beyond anything anyone could ever even comprehend.... The Lord is my refuge I shall not fear....

Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”

Psalm 91:2 “I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust!”

Deuteronomy 33:12“May the beloved of the LORD dwell in security by Him,
Who shields him all the day,And he dwells between His shoulders.”

These aren't sweet platitudes for me... they are that which has changed my life.... For I am His and He is mine and He so very much cares for me.....   

There were once sharks in the water ...........

The words were out of her mouth... they hung there in the air and I knew what she was saying was true of her experience and yet pictures of where my life had been so different floated through my head...

The thought of how sharks when they smell or sense blood they go in for the kill was more the picture of what I had walked through... and here her words were full of liberty but very hard to hear... I knew her words were true for I knew the community she was a part of and I knew them.. I knew them well enough to not question one iota the words she spoke....

It had been a rough couple of days ... trying to sort through a lot of emotion and trying to cope with places where lack was more in abundance than anything else...  As a believer one wants to lead the "abundant life" and then add any title that even has one bit of leadership to it and the weight or notion of where one must walk can choke the life out of anybody..... Weights of expectation, performance.... pictures of all the shoulds ..


I am a watcher... I watch and look and see... I watch situations and circumstances play out before my eyes and I think of them ....  I have watched brother sickeningly gleefully watch as another brother misstepped ... knowing that they would gain favor or position.... I have watched fellow believers behave as sharks and at the single smallest drop of blood they are ready to pounce...  I have watched people removed from positions not because of sin or large mistake but for reasons that leave one scratching one's head wondering what happened... only then to watch a scene and scenario play out where those that replaced the ones that were gone had maneuvered ever so cunningly into position....

So my friend had shared how she would be loved no matter what.... she spoke of matters I knew were true.. she would be loved.. her lack in an area wouldn't be a sign of disqualification ... it would be an opportunity for love to be shown to her through the Body of believers she was apart of....

These people she spoke of they often leave me stunned... they propel me to truly know Jesus... as He is .. not as we would make Him to be... certainly not as religion would dictate Him to be... they continually show me the Jesus kneeling down in the sand writing as others would throw stones....  they continually show me Jesus pulling the little children upon His lap even amidst the disciples thinking He had something more important to do....  they show me living pictures of the loving kindness of the Lord... They show me Jesus not by the words they speak but by the lives they lead and they put a path in front of me I can walk upon... 

I was sitting trying to pull myself together .. attempting to push back a couple rough days... Taking some deep breaths and gaining composure I looked up... where there had been no one sitting in front of me all of a sudden a friend who had been sitting up front was now directly in front of me.... and where there had been no one along side me there were friends on every side....  Father spoke, " I go before you and I hedge you in.." Them living epistles of His heart....  I knew I was not alone...

I was a liar... and it was pointed out to me that I was a liar.. I wasn't told something I didn't already know...
I was a thief .. and told I was a thief.. I wasn't told something I didn't already know...
I questioned my capacity to be a mother... a good mother.. I questioned it daily as did you .. you didn't think something I didn't already think myself...
I was afraid and it was seen that I was afraid and those fears were played upon .. words only confirmed all the reasons why insecurity should reside within my heart... 
Relationship was granted or withdrawn based upon a variety of an ever changing system of measuring rods and standards ... playing games with lives and hearts and watching the carnage play out before me...

 If I do do this I am valuable.. If I don't do this I will be discarded... If I don't do this then I will be looked at like one who can be trusted but if I do do this then it will all be taken away....

My friend spoke of a different path...  of life in the spirit where those that are in relationship together see one another with eyes of faith... it isn't that they don't see what is there... they very much see what is there...  They see that before them sits a son or daughter of the Most High God... They see that what God says about a person is actually more solid than what the world or even said person would say ... They hold fast to the Word of God as a standard of truth... and when it is spoken that one's worth is far above rubies... they speak forth that Jesus ensured with His life that that would be so....


There once were sharks in the water and I was afraid for I bled from many a wound... but the more important scars are born upon His hands and His feet... and the sharks they don't scare me anymore.. for I have tasted and seen perfect love and fear is lessening every day....