Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Understanding it is Winter and not yet Spring... Community over convenience
I am sometimes amazed at which blog post people tend to gravitate towards... there is this one that is simply called, "the next posting of story," or something like that... it isn't even the posting of the story... and yet it gets read more often than most... I have felt called back to my story... called back to think upon it and realize how in the years and in the year and months and days what it has been that has truly brought healing.... What one thing has been more fundamentally life changing than all else.... This is that... this is the realization that it has taken more than an event but a people... it has taken time and persistence... it has taken the willingness to stay with something and see it through........
I sat at a table and listened to them…. They know each other… really really know each other… as I listened to them I saw something…. A bond that time has tested… a belief that today’s weaknesses or failures don’t dictate love… an acknowledgement that there is a calling to be together and it isn’t about convenience or ease…. It is about love….. and that which God desires to do within a people…
Dear friends who read this and see your stories within these words I must tell you ahead of time that you have so filled my life with treasures that I could never ever convey the fullness of my gratitude… I am who I am today because of how you have loved me….
Staying put and being held.. my feet to the proverbial fires and not being allowed to retreat has fundamentally changed my life…. Thank you… thank you dearest friends for at times even risking our friendship to speak truth… to love me enough to challenge me to see differently and grow …
There are many stories to be told today…. I begin with this one….
It was a year ago this time that my shame and the stigma of being healed from mental illness fell off me…. It was a year ago when a friend looked at me and told me from the very heart of God that MPD and dissociative identity disorder was just the counterfeit to truly finding my hiding place in God….
As a child I had learned how to survive by breaking away mentally… creating safe refuges for myself within myself…. Transforming the world of my inner being, my mind, my life into broken up sections… where some places existed to the ignorance of others……
Eight years prior I had gone through a season of nine months when the Lord and a community of people transformed my life from a pile of dry bones to one who could walk with the very breath of God within.
….. I was healed .. I was whole… and yet most portions of that story I would not tell…. Glad to be through the valley of the shadow of death and in awe of living a life I never thought possible I wanted to put distance now between me and that life…. That life of inconsistencies… of craziness… of disconnection.. of fear of what would or could possibly trigger me… that life… it was gone and I wanted it to be gone…
But don’t you know that skeletons never stay in closets and the whispers of shame that haunt us in the dark linger…. Shame and embarrassment and stigma laid heavy upon my heart as did the memories of what my family had been through…
It would take a gathering of people to bring God’s healing to me…. Not an event…. Not a conference… a life being lived together… it would take a woman willing to risk her emotions to sit in front of me and confront me with truth and love…. It would take a husband not willing to accept anything less than who I was to be in God… we learned together… we cried together… we walked upon a path together… a path of trust.. a path with no guarantees but a path of hope…
Community isn’t convenience…. Commitment isn’t about what feels good today… we aren’t transformed when we hop around from place to place and people to people because as in a marriage there are times where we walk through the worst of for “better or for worse..” we walk through the poorer in the “for richer or for poorer,” we walk through the sickness in the “in sickness and in health..”
I have friends who share their stories with me as they have walked almost two decades with each other… couples in ministry together… they have had sickness and health… they have rejoiced and they have cried… they have been weak and they have been strong… they have known better and they have known worse….
These friends .. these marvelous .. amazing… beautiful .. incredible … stunning human beings… they change my life and challenge me to see things in a different way… to know that there are really seasons… seasons to plant and seasons to reap…. And if we don’t risk living the in between together … after we have planted and before we have reaped… I know we miss out…
if we lack commitment and we lack stick to itness.. and we make it only about ourselves and comfort and our needs then we don’t ever really grow… and I do believe we end up missing out on the most precious aspects of living life together…. And that which God would really do amongst us….. At times we lose out on seeing a season come because we weren’t willing to notice it wasn’t yet Spring even though we wanted it to be … we were still in the middle of December and winter wasn’t close to being over…
We take our lives and our loyalties and we go to the next great thing… guess what I have learned about the “next great thing” … it really isn’t ever different and the season of leaving gets repeated within months if not sooner or maybe a tad longer … but it happens…. It happens until we as a people resolve that if I am a part of this… then I am a part and I won’t leave haphazardly and I won’t leave because it isn’t easy or perfect… what truly ever is… nothing….
It takes commitment to walk with a community.. that idea that this isn’t just about me and my needs or my wants… but that this about all of us… this is about the body… this body…. And sometimes it has more to do with the other arm or the leg not me the hand … and if I commit to that… if I commit to that process of being a part and realizing that the whole isn’t just all about me but it is about growing together… than I really do believe we will see the most beautiful movements of our Lord….. within our lives and within our communities and we will see a growth in ourselves and a richness within ourselves when we allow ourselves to stay rooted and grounded… we will be transformed as we allow ourselves to take root and endure the winter seasons and await the spring together….
It takes that … it take that level of commitment to each other… that understanding that we are going to live life together and not hop in and out …. I’m done with my hopping days…. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living as I have committed to the land and I’m willing to walk through December together so that the Mays and the Junes will come….
I sat at a table and listened to them…. They know each other… really really know each other… as I listened to them I saw something…. A bond that time has tested… a belief that today’s weaknesses or failures don’t dictate love… an acknowledgement that there is a calling to be together and it isn’t about convenience or ease…. It is about love….. and that which God desires to do within a people…
Dear friends who read this and see your stories within these words I must tell you ahead of time that you have so filled my life with treasures that I could never ever convey the fullness of my gratitude… I am who I am today because of how you have loved me….
Staying put and being held.. my feet to the proverbial fires and not being allowed to retreat has fundamentally changed my life…. Thank you… thank you dearest friends for at times even risking our friendship to speak truth… to love me enough to challenge me to see differently and grow …
There are many stories to be told today…. I begin with this one….
It was a year ago this time that my shame and the stigma of being healed from mental illness fell off me…. It was a year ago when a friend looked at me and told me from the very heart of God that MPD and dissociative identity disorder was just the counterfeit to truly finding my hiding place in God….
As a child I had learned how to survive by breaking away mentally… creating safe refuges for myself within myself…. Transforming the world of my inner being, my mind, my life into broken up sections… where some places existed to the ignorance of others……
Eight years prior I had gone through a season of nine months when the Lord and a community of people transformed my life from a pile of dry bones to one who could walk with the very breath of God within.
….. I was healed .. I was whole… and yet most portions of that story I would not tell…. Glad to be through the valley of the shadow of death and in awe of living a life I never thought possible I wanted to put distance now between me and that life…. That life of inconsistencies… of craziness… of disconnection.. of fear of what would or could possibly trigger me… that life… it was gone and I wanted it to be gone…
But don’t you know that skeletons never stay in closets and the whispers of shame that haunt us in the dark linger…. Shame and embarrassment and stigma laid heavy upon my heart as did the memories of what my family had been through…
It would take a gathering of people to bring God’s healing to me…. Not an event…. Not a conference… a life being lived together… it would take a woman willing to risk her emotions to sit in front of me and confront me with truth and love…. It would take a husband not willing to accept anything less than who I was to be in God… we learned together… we cried together… we walked upon a path together… a path of trust.. a path with no guarantees but a path of hope…
Community isn’t convenience…. Commitment isn’t about what feels good today… we aren’t transformed when we hop around from place to place and people to people because as in a marriage there are times where we walk through the worst of for “better or for worse..” we walk through the poorer in the “for richer or for poorer,” we walk through the sickness in the “in sickness and in health..”
I have friends who share their stories with me as they have walked almost two decades with each other… couples in ministry together… they have had sickness and health… they have rejoiced and they have cried… they have been weak and they have been strong… they have known better and they have known worse….
These friends .. these marvelous .. amazing… beautiful .. incredible … stunning human beings… they change my life and challenge me to see things in a different way… to know that there are really seasons… seasons to plant and seasons to reap…. And if we don’t risk living the in between together … after we have planted and before we have reaped… I know we miss out…
if we lack commitment and we lack stick to itness.. and we make it only about ourselves and comfort and our needs then we don’t ever really grow… and I do believe we end up missing out on the most precious aspects of living life together…. And that which God would really do amongst us….. At times we lose out on seeing a season come because we weren’t willing to notice it wasn’t yet Spring even though we wanted it to be … we were still in the middle of December and winter wasn’t close to being over…
We take our lives and our loyalties and we go to the next great thing… guess what I have learned about the “next great thing” … it really isn’t ever different and the season of leaving gets repeated within months if not sooner or maybe a tad longer … but it happens…. It happens until we as a people resolve that if I am a part of this… then I am a part and I won’t leave haphazardly and I won’t leave because it isn’t easy or perfect… what truly ever is… nothing….
It takes commitment to walk with a community.. that idea that this isn’t just about me and my needs or my wants… but that this about all of us… this is about the body… this body…. And sometimes it has more to do with the other arm or the leg not me the hand … and if I commit to that… if I commit to that process of being a part and realizing that the whole isn’t just all about me but it is about growing together… than I really do believe we will see the most beautiful movements of our Lord….. within our lives and within our communities and we will see a growth in ourselves and a richness within ourselves when we allow ourselves to stay rooted and grounded… we will be transformed as we allow ourselves to take root and endure the winter seasons and await the spring together….
It takes that … it take that level of commitment to each other… that understanding that we are going to live life together and not hop in and out …. I’m done with my hopping days…. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living as I have committed to the land and I’m willing to walk through December together so that the Mays and the Junes will come….
Sunday, August 28, 2011
and I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat....
There are days and times I do not know where it is that I am headed ... but coming to this place and putting fingers to keys is something that brings me joy and life.... words fill the air around me and swirl together and fingers dance and leap to put them upon a screen and with eyes closed and keys clicking away I am brought into another place.....
I see a picture of myself pushing a wheelbarrow ... and in the wheelbarrow are so many things that at times the wheelbarrow looks like it is about to tip over.... and I am holding on with both hands and pushing with all my might..... when along comes the Lord and He takes a hold of the wheelbarrow with one hand and wraps His other arm around me and says, "walk with me..." "walk with me"....
I lean into Him and I am quiet.... we walk and walk and walk ... and I see all the things within the wheelbarrow come to pass..... we haven't even spoken... not one word passes between us because I was just so happy to be leaning and so full of quiet and solid delight that I didn't want to utter a syllable .....
Then He stopped and put the wheelbarrow down and just sat down right there upon the lane and motioned for me to sit next to Him..... and we sat there again in silence but I could feel the words .... I could feel them coming .... the love.. His love saturated the atmosphere ....
He declared I was His.... He then hushed me as I was about to say something ... and repeated that I was His.... He looked me in the eyes and took my chin in His hand and held my gaze completely as He said it yet again...... That I was His....
I did not belong to one thing in that wheelbarrow... not one thing owned me.. not one thing possessed me... not one thing was to capture my attentions or affections...
He looked at me and with a steadfastness and complete authority He spoke into the deepest part of my being and declared once again I was His..... and His alone..... PERIOD..... nothing else was to have my affections... nothing was to cause me to worry... nothing was to cause me to fret... nothing was to cause me to be anxious... His care and concern over me is perfect and nothing can step into that place....
And then I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat... and again with purpose and deliberate strength as if He was creating something anew and His authority to speak into creation and have it be and have it be good was swirling around me..... and while it was not a scream it was most certainly a furious roar... You are mine... He declared it ... He declared it over me ... around me... through me.... and I felt His passion and His jealousy and I knew... I knew that I was being trained to see in a whole different way.... not fully understanding all that was transpiring but realizing this that His declaration over my life was truly complete....
I am His..... I am His and His alone and He cares for me.... one plus one equals two.... He cares for me plus I need not be anxious equals life....
I see that which attempts to mold us and fashion us other than that fact and as we backed away from that moment... from the wheelbarrow... from the roar... He looked at me and smiled.... and we locked our gaze and all was right and beautiful....
I am my Father's daughter... I am my savior's beloved... I am so much more than I would have ever hoped or desired.... I am His.... and nothing ever gets to touch that fact and nothing ever gets to alter it....
I see a picture of myself pushing a wheelbarrow ... and in the wheelbarrow are so many things that at times the wheelbarrow looks like it is about to tip over.... and I am holding on with both hands and pushing with all my might..... when along comes the Lord and He takes a hold of the wheelbarrow with one hand and wraps His other arm around me and says, "walk with me..." "walk with me"....
I lean into Him and I am quiet.... we walk and walk and walk ... and I see all the things within the wheelbarrow come to pass..... we haven't even spoken... not one word passes between us because I was just so happy to be leaning and so full of quiet and solid delight that I didn't want to utter a syllable .....
Then He stopped and put the wheelbarrow down and just sat down right there upon the lane and motioned for me to sit next to Him..... and we sat there again in silence but I could feel the words .... I could feel them coming .... the love.. His love saturated the atmosphere ....
He declared I was His.... He then hushed me as I was about to say something ... and repeated that I was His.... He looked me in the eyes and took my chin in His hand and held my gaze completely as He said it yet again...... That I was His....
I did not belong to one thing in that wheelbarrow... not one thing owned me.. not one thing possessed me... not one thing was to capture my attentions or affections...
He looked at me and with a steadfastness and complete authority He spoke into the deepest part of my being and declared once again I was His..... and His alone..... PERIOD..... nothing else was to have my affections... nothing was to cause me to worry... nothing was to cause me to fret... nothing was to cause me to be anxious... His care and concern over me is perfect and nothing can step into that place....
And then I knew He was passing on the "secret" of sleeping in the bow of the boat... and again with purpose and deliberate strength as if He was creating something anew and His authority to speak into creation and have it be and have it be good was swirling around me..... and while it was not a scream it was most certainly a furious roar... You are mine... He declared it ... He declared it over me ... around me... through me.... and I felt His passion and His jealousy and I knew... I knew that I was being trained to see in a whole different way.... not fully understanding all that was transpiring but realizing this that His declaration over my life was truly complete....
I am His..... I am His and His alone and He cares for me.... one plus one equals two.... He cares for me plus I need not be anxious equals life....
I see that which attempts to mold us and fashion us other than that fact and as we backed away from that moment... from the wheelbarrow... from the roar... He looked at me and smiled.... and we locked our gaze and all was right and beautiful....
I am my Father's daughter... I am my savior's beloved... I am so much more than I would have ever hoped or desired.... I am His.... and nothing ever gets to touch that fact and nothing ever gets to alter it....
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
loving kindness comes alive as a cloud descends
I have a dear friend who teaches on the concept of loving kindness in such a brilliant way…. He has someone stand up and then takes the scriptures that speak of loving kindness and how we are crowned with it and how it follows us and how it goes before us and how we are sheltered in it… By the time he is done reading the scriptures and having people get up and stand in the place that is mentioned the first person is surrounded by the tangible visualization of what the loving kindness of the Lord does and how He protects and sets up His presence all about us…..
Well… this whole concept grabbed a hold of my heart as I watched a woman be so touched by the truth of God’s word and how it applied to His loving kindness upon her life…. I would spend months seeking the Lord concerning the whole idea of it….
They are beautiful pictures and beautiful moments to watch as my friend travels through that teaching for people and yet I wondered…. I wondered about what it tangibly looked like beyond the moment… so I pursued the Lord as if I was the woman with the issue of blood pushing through the crowd to grab ahold of His garment… I wanted this… I knew how the loving kindness of God was revolutionary and I had experienced it but something inside said there was more…..
As I pursued Him with loving kindness specifically in mind I would come across days and I would know that the loving kindness of God was crowning me and that my thoughts and opinions were being fashioned and formed by His thoughts and opinions and that He was bringing me deeper into the realization of the power of His love… and I saw my life being transformed by the loving kindness of God as it crowned me…
Last night I wasn’t even thinking upon the loving kindnesses of God as I headed to bed… it had been a long weekend and I was ready to try and get some rest…. As I laid down and my head hit the pillow the presence of the Lord settled in all around me… I felt that Jesus was behind me and then I felt that Jesus was in front of me and then the presence of God got stronger and stronger and I felt that Jesus was by my feet as well as above my head and that I was surrounded tangibly by the loving kindness of the Lord… it was as if I was placed in the middle of a cloud and the cloud surrounded me and was a buffer between me and the world….
I fell asleep wrapped by the loving kindness and presence of God and the picture that my friend taught about came to life in a whole new way….
Well… this whole concept grabbed a hold of my heart as I watched a woman be so touched by the truth of God’s word and how it applied to His loving kindness upon her life…. I would spend months seeking the Lord concerning the whole idea of it….
They are beautiful pictures and beautiful moments to watch as my friend travels through that teaching for people and yet I wondered…. I wondered about what it tangibly looked like beyond the moment… so I pursued the Lord as if I was the woman with the issue of blood pushing through the crowd to grab ahold of His garment… I wanted this… I knew how the loving kindness of God was revolutionary and I had experienced it but something inside said there was more…..
As I pursued Him with loving kindness specifically in mind I would come across days and I would know that the loving kindness of God was crowning me and that my thoughts and opinions were being fashioned and formed by His thoughts and opinions and that He was bringing me deeper into the realization of the power of His love… and I saw my life being transformed by the loving kindness of God as it crowned me…
Last night I wasn’t even thinking upon the loving kindnesses of God as I headed to bed… it had been a long weekend and I was ready to try and get some rest…. As I laid down and my head hit the pillow the presence of the Lord settled in all around me… I felt that Jesus was behind me and then I felt that Jesus was in front of me and then the presence of God got stronger and stronger and I felt that Jesus was by my feet as well as above my head and that I was surrounded tangibly by the loving kindness of the Lord… it was as if I was placed in the middle of a cloud and the cloud surrounded me and was a buffer between me and the world….
I fell asleep wrapped by the loving kindness and presence of God and the picture that my friend taught about came to life in a whole new way….
Friday, August 12, 2011
I can't just give it lip service
There has been a topic swirling around in my head for days now... the whole concept of waiting upon the Lord... (not waiting on Him for anything in particular just waiting upon Him) now its in regards to a message I'll be speaking however my husband and I wondered if the Lord was simply teaching me to wait upon Him and do all this thinking and praying and processing only at the end of it to have learned what it is to wait upon Him and so then truly have the message ... and it not even be about waiting ...
I guess we will see...
But I'll tell you this.. I have wanted to come at this topic honestly.. I don't want to stand in front of people and ever say something off the cuff even if it is truth.. it is important for me to be authentic and transparent and as I heard the phrase, "wait upon the Lord..." a knot formed in the pit of my stomach...
Sure I could pull forth the scriptures about strength being renewed and all the marvelous things that the psalms speak of when one considers the person who waits upon the Lord and what indeed he or she is waiting for....
But as I thought about the topic and it landed time and time again upon my person I was brought to this place where I had to come face to face with the lack of trust I had in this area and the dread of waiting upon the Lord that existed within me....
What if I wait upon the Lord and His timing is not my timing and I lack perseverance to stay the course... what if I wait upon the Lord and nothing happens... how will I deal with the discrepancy between what I think something says or means and the truth of it..
I saw in the core of my gut this reaction that didn't surprise me but startled me how deep it went... this feeling of fear in regards to what if I wait and nothing happens.... or even what if I wait and the opposite to what I hoped would happen happens.... oh sure... sure.. I can speak forth all the cover ups... talk about timing and faith and how we just don't always know why something doesn't happen the way we even thought we heard God say it would.... and I can self speak and express how well maybe I heard it wrong or maybe it was just me... etc etc etc.....
As I journeyed through the whole issue many things came forward... first the realization that I don't always open myself up or actually let me be honest I have almost thoroughly closed off aspects to hearing from God because of fear... fear of being wrong... of not getting it right.. of hearing something and then having to struggle with the whole how will it happen or when will it happen etc etc etc....
I realized I have cut myself off from hearing God in some areas because I don't want to be disappointed again.. I don't trust myself in those areas to hear rightly and so I don't want to hear at all.. and yet even as I write I can feel what that has truly done to me and the sadness of it lingers... Oh Lord bring your perfect love here to this place and wash away the fear and residue of concern and bring forth within me the heart to hear all that you have to say... regardless of cost to my person... I do repent for pushing you out of this place in my life and I hunger for You and Your ways to step into this place and I speak forth that I am willing to hear all that You have to share even if in the course of that happening I face being wrong.. being wrong would be better than cutting you off... forgive me dearest Father and heal my heart....
Pray that with me if there are aspects in your heart that resonate...
And then comes the flesh... I think my soul is afflicted in the areas of hope and my heart and my mind wage war against what my spirit knows to be true... But then comes the flesh and I live in a culture that wants what they want and they want it now.. and waiting .. waiting in an era where at the drop of a second I have so much at the tip of my fingers.. waiting seems to be a lost art....
Now here is where reality stepped in and I say reality because the most real aspect of my life is Him... and after battling with all the emotions and all the desires of my flesh ... I began to know in that same place.. in my gut that had been so tied in knots.... that I do not wait as one who has no hope... that my hope is assured... because I wait upon the Lord...
And then the issue of trust came flying forward... and how thoroughly do I trust Him .. how thoroughly do I trust Him to lead me... to guide me... knowing that I get it wrong... knowing that I don't understand His ways as I would hunger and yearn to want to.... How thoroughly do I trust Him as I am called to trust... the whole trust in the Lord with all your strength.. (hhhhhmmmm ... all my strength) and lean not onto my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path.... Do I trust Him??? Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with all my strength? Do I lean upon Him and not upon my own understanding of even myself?
If I believe that He is truly indeed who He is and do not doubt then this is possible... but what I saw within myself as I danced with the formation of this message is that doubt lingered in places in my heart where pain from past disappointments and failures or places of confusion existed... that I did doubt...
Was it the faithfulness of God that I was doubting? Was it my capacity to truly know Him that I was concerned about? Was I afraid of just getting it so wrong and not knowing what it was I thought I knew?
And then the reality of I need to know God in this area... I truly need to know God in this area all the more... and I'm not willing to pay it lip service... this doubt or fear that exists within me ... is there... and while confession of the truth and His word eases the discomfort I find myself back at the beginning... I must truly wait upon the Lord... I must wait upon Him to bring forth His healing ...
I walk with Him.. I know Him... I love Him .... and yet in this place in my heart my knowledge of Him is faulty.. not Him faulty... but my knowledge of Him in this place... and He desires for me to be whole.... I am asking for bread and I do have courage to believe that He will not give me a stone... I don't know what it will look like but I know I must venture there....
A friend shared a story of children who were adopted and brought over to this country from Africa.... in a day's time they went from a small orphanage in a tiny village to a major metropolitan airport.... and they say an escalator for the first time in their lives.....
I haven't walked this way before there are places that I know I am to walk into but I don't know how.... places of knowing Him that are so foreign to me and all my experiences that I have no grid to even place them upon... But in this place I make the decision to lean not on my own understanding or that which the world would tell me... I decide not to listen to the scream within my soul nor my flesh... I hunger for truth in the innermost places and because of that He has touched this place... and so I sit... I sit and I wait upon the Lord.....
I guess we will see...
But I'll tell you this.. I have wanted to come at this topic honestly.. I don't want to stand in front of people and ever say something off the cuff even if it is truth.. it is important for me to be authentic and transparent and as I heard the phrase, "wait upon the Lord..." a knot formed in the pit of my stomach...
Sure I could pull forth the scriptures about strength being renewed and all the marvelous things that the psalms speak of when one considers the person who waits upon the Lord and what indeed he or she is waiting for....
But as I thought about the topic and it landed time and time again upon my person I was brought to this place where I had to come face to face with the lack of trust I had in this area and the dread of waiting upon the Lord that existed within me....
What if I wait upon the Lord and His timing is not my timing and I lack perseverance to stay the course... what if I wait upon the Lord and nothing happens... how will I deal with the discrepancy between what I think something says or means and the truth of it..
I saw in the core of my gut this reaction that didn't surprise me but startled me how deep it went... this feeling of fear in regards to what if I wait and nothing happens.... or even what if I wait and the opposite to what I hoped would happen happens.... oh sure... sure.. I can speak forth all the cover ups... talk about timing and faith and how we just don't always know why something doesn't happen the way we even thought we heard God say it would.... and I can self speak and express how well maybe I heard it wrong or maybe it was just me... etc etc etc.....
As I journeyed through the whole issue many things came forward... first the realization that I don't always open myself up or actually let me be honest I have almost thoroughly closed off aspects to hearing from God because of fear... fear of being wrong... of not getting it right.. of hearing something and then having to struggle with the whole how will it happen or when will it happen etc etc etc....
I realized I have cut myself off from hearing God in some areas because I don't want to be disappointed again.. I don't trust myself in those areas to hear rightly and so I don't want to hear at all.. and yet even as I write I can feel what that has truly done to me and the sadness of it lingers... Oh Lord bring your perfect love here to this place and wash away the fear and residue of concern and bring forth within me the heart to hear all that you have to say... regardless of cost to my person... I do repent for pushing you out of this place in my life and I hunger for You and Your ways to step into this place and I speak forth that I am willing to hear all that You have to share even if in the course of that happening I face being wrong.. being wrong would be better than cutting you off... forgive me dearest Father and heal my heart....
Pray that with me if there are aspects in your heart that resonate...
And then comes the flesh... I think my soul is afflicted in the areas of hope and my heart and my mind wage war against what my spirit knows to be true... But then comes the flesh and I live in a culture that wants what they want and they want it now.. and waiting .. waiting in an era where at the drop of a second I have so much at the tip of my fingers.. waiting seems to be a lost art....
Now here is where reality stepped in and I say reality because the most real aspect of my life is Him... and after battling with all the emotions and all the desires of my flesh ... I began to know in that same place.. in my gut that had been so tied in knots.... that I do not wait as one who has no hope... that my hope is assured... because I wait upon the Lord...
And then the issue of trust came flying forward... and how thoroughly do I trust Him .. how thoroughly do I trust Him to lead me... to guide me... knowing that I get it wrong... knowing that I don't understand His ways as I would hunger and yearn to want to.... How thoroughly do I trust Him as I am called to trust... the whole trust in the Lord with all your strength.. (hhhhhmmmm ... all my strength) and lean not onto my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him and He will direct my path.... Do I trust Him??? Do I trust Him? Do I trust Him with all my strength? Do I lean upon Him and not upon my own understanding of even myself?
If I believe that He is truly indeed who He is and do not doubt then this is possible... but what I saw within myself as I danced with the formation of this message is that doubt lingered in places in my heart where pain from past disappointments and failures or places of confusion existed... that I did doubt...
Was it the faithfulness of God that I was doubting? Was it my capacity to truly know Him that I was concerned about? Was I afraid of just getting it so wrong and not knowing what it was I thought I knew?
And then the reality of I need to know God in this area... I truly need to know God in this area all the more... and I'm not willing to pay it lip service... this doubt or fear that exists within me ... is there... and while confession of the truth and His word eases the discomfort I find myself back at the beginning... I must truly wait upon the Lord... I must wait upon Him to bring forth His healing ...
I walk with Him.. I know Him... I love Him .... and yet in this place in my heart my knowledge of Him is faulty.. not Him faulty... but my knowledge of Him in this place... and He desires for me to be whole.... I am asking for bread and I do have courage to believe that He will not give me a stone... I don't know what it will look like but I know I must venture there....
A friend shared a story of children who were adopted and brought over to this country from Africa.... in a day's time they went from a small orphanage in a tiny village to a major metropolitan airport.... and they say an escalator for the first time in their lives.....
I haven't walked this way before there are places that I know I am to walk into but I don't know how.... places of knowing Him that are so foreign to me and all my experiences that I have no grid to even place them upon... But in this place I make the decision to lean not on my own understanding or that which the world would tell me... I decide not to listen to the scream within my soul nor my flesh... I hunger for truth in the innermost places and because of that He has touched this place... and so I sit... I sit and I wait upon the Lord.....
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
this daily bread
Such anger.. such fear... such confusion... can you feel it in the air? Panic.. dread.. hostility... trembling...
I close my eyes and see manna falling from Heaven.. not metaphorically speaking here.. but real food... I see water bursting forth from rocks.. I see the lame walking and the blind seeing and the deaf hearing.. I see those that have labored as fisherman of old being told to put down their nets one more time and into their boats loads of fish are brought forth...
I close my eyes and I silence myself and I rest in the knowledge of God...
This world does not get to dictate to me what to think or how to interpret world events.. this world does not get to say that I am poor.. it does not get to say that I am lame.. it does not get to measure my successes or my failures... it does not get to judge my life according to its standards.. it does not, like in the case of Saul, get to put its armor upon my person...
There is one who comes and takes my hands and holds my gaze into His and into His heart I journey... when we sit upon situations like those that the disciples sat in on a boat on the lake of Galilee .. He speaks for all to be still... The elements of life upon this world do not get to dictate reality... They do not get to have the last word....
He has life in the midst of trouble.. He has peace in the midst of suffering... He has tenderness in the days of anxiety... He speaks of another way of life... to look beyond what would ravage our souls and know that there is a way of life and light and peace that can be walked in no matter what rages around us....
I have come to a prayer often throughout the day... a prayer of this daily bread.. in all areas of life I am resting my head upon Him .. wanting to learn from Him.. know Him.. know His ways...
I close my eyes and I see the face of a Savior that writes upon the days of my life His story.. quietness and stillness have become my companions all the more... and waiting upon the Lord has become my daily bread... He changes that which is around us and beyond quieting the seas of life He quiets my soul and in those moments He stands ...
He stands as revolutionary.. He lays as babe in the manger and hangs as Savior upon a cross and walks as man upon a world in desperate need and rules as one who has tasted suffering and death and has overcome.. to Him be the glory forever and ever..
I close my eyes and see manna falling from Heaven.. not metaphorically speaking here.. but real food... I see water bursting forth from rocks.. I see the lame walking and the blind seeing and the deaf hearing.. I see those that have labored as fisherman of old being told to put down their nets one more time and into their boats loads of fish are brought forth...
I close my eyes and I silence myself and I rest in the knowledge of God...
This world does not get to dictate to me what to think or how to interpret world events.. this world does not get to say that I am poor.. it does not get to say that I am lame.. it does not get to measure my successes or my failures... it does not get to judge my life according to its standards.. it does not, like in the case of Saul, get to put its armor upon my person...
There is one who comes and takes my hands and holds my gaze into His and into His heart I journey... when we sit upon situations like those that the disciples sat in on a boat on the lake of Galilee .. He speaks for all to be still... The elements of life upon this world do not get to dictate reality... They do not get to have the last word....
He has life in the midst of trouble.. He has peace in the midst of suffering... He has tenderness in the days of anxiety... He speaks of another way of life... to look beyond what would ravage our souls and know that there is a way of life and light and peace that can be walked in no matter what rages around us....
I have come to a prayer often throughout the day... a prayer of this daily bread.. in all areas of life I am resting my head upon Him .. wanting to learn from Him.. know Him.. know His ways...
I close my eyes and I see the face of a Savior that writes upon the days of my life His story.. quietness and stillness have become my companions all the more... and waiting upon the Lord has become my daily bread... He changes that which is around us and beyond quieting the seas of life He quiets my soul and in those moments He stands ...
He stands as revolutionary.. He lays as babe in the manger and hangs as Savior upon a cross and walks as man upon a world in desperate need and rules as one who has tasted suffering and death and has overcome.. to Him be the glory forever and ever..
and in that knowledge I take refuge....
I sit here tonight and to the core of who I am am overwhelmed with the lovingkindness and tenderness of our God... in such a small way I have come tonight and seen as He has taken oh such amazing care of my soul....
As questions arose in my heart over issues that are too lofty for me and too weighty for me to consider... as thoughts came to try and tear at my heart... as I pondered the ways of man and the thoughts and intentions of man I heard my Father speak and watched as He painted a picture of His heart and as He shared His heart with me that which I had thought about and that which I had considered and that which came to bring harm was washed away....
I laid in my bed thinking about things that were transpiring around me... things truly out of my control.. on many different fronts I have watched and am watching as events play out around my life that affect me and yet seemingly have a life of their own
I must put in here that I don't jump thoroughly into specifics here to protect or to be vague but because there is enough in the world and each in life that each person can place within the confines of this story their own and yet the message of "But God" comes to bear in all our lives and journeys ..
The anxieties of this world can eat at our hearts until we are so riddled with fear that we are ineffective and dead... if not in actuality just rendered so useless by fear and fatigue that we are unable to operate in such a way as our truest nature as sons and daughters would have us be able to....
In reading 1 Peter recently an understanding of why we are called (1 Peter 5)
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
All our anxieties can be cast upon Him because He cares for us.. He cares for us.. each and everyone of us and in that knowledge we can rest.. and in understanding His care we are given the greatest tool to stand against the prowling of the enemy... in knowing that our God.. creator of Heaven and Earth cares for us we are empowered to resist the enemy and to stand firm in the faith that we are children of a Father whose affections know no bounds.. whose affections are stronger than anything on earth or beyond.. whose affections strengthen and establish us...
His affections establish me and as found in Psalm 40 speaks of...
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
In times and places where we end up feeling more like Joseph having been thrown into the pit by brothers... or falsely accused by employers.. or forgotten by fellow inmates... we can trust in the Lord and know that our footing is assured... and that a day where the promises come forth and the dreams that God has given come into reality ..
Beyond any promise.. or any dream coming true I say this... I am His... I am His daughter.. I am His friend.. I am His .. I am the one He loves... and that truth beyond any spoken promise or granted dream is what I rest my head upon.. that He cares for me.. and in that knowledge I take refuge....
As questions arose in my heart over issues that are too lofty for me and too weighty for me to consider... as thoughts came to try and tear at my heart... as I pondered the ways of man and the thoughts and intentions of man I heard my Father speak and watched as He painted a picture of His heart and as He shared His heart with me that which I had thought about and that which I had considered and that which came to bring harm was washed away....
I laid in my bed thinking about things that were transpiring around me... things truly out of my control.. on many different fronts I have watched and am watching as events play out around my life that affect me and yet seemingly have a life of their own
I must put in here that I don't jump thoroughly into specifics here to protect or to be vague but because there is enough in the world and each in life that each person can place within the confines of this story their own and yet the message of "But God" comes to bear in all our lives and journeys ..
The anxieties of this world can eat at our hearts until we are so riddled with fear that we are ineffective and dead... if not in actuality just rendered so useless by fear and fatigue that we are unable to operate in such a way as our truest nature as sons and daughters would have us be able to....
In reading 1 Peter recently an understanding of why we are called (1 Peter 5)
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.
All our anxieties can be cast upon Him because He cares for us.. He cares for us.. each and everyone of us and in that knowledge we can rest.. and in understanding His care we are given the greatest tool to stand against the prowling of the enemy... in knowing that our God.. creator of Heaven and Earth cares for us we are empowered to resist the enemy and to stand firm in the faith that we are children of a Father whose affections know no bounds.. whose affections are stronger than anything on earth or beyond.. whose affections strengthen and establish us...
His affections establish me and as found in Psalm 40 speaks of...
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
Many will see and fear
And will trust in the LORD.
In times and places where we end up feeling more like Joseph having been thrown into the pit by brothers... or falsely accused by employers.. or forgotten by fellow inmates... we can trust in the Lord and know that our footing is assured... and that a day where the promises come forth and the dreams that God has given come into reality ..
Beyond any promise.. or any dream coming true I say this... I am His... I am His daughter.. I am His friend.. I am His .. I am the one He loves... and that truth beyond any spoken promise or granted dream is what I rest my head upon.. that He cares for me.. and in that knowledge I take refuge....
Sunday, August 7, 2011
What colors... spinning paint plates .. Daniel.. Rahab...David... 6 children and ministry all have in common
You know those paint spinning wheels that one finds at carnivals and fairs.... if you don't know these things I speak of... they are these spinning wheels and you have a piece of paper and bottles of paint that you can squeeze onto the plate and watch as the motion forms and fashions the paint and colors throughout the paper.
This day has felt a tad like that spinning wheel....
When a combination of being a mom to a teenager and to a two year old and four in between collide.. and I'm saying yes to a sleepover but including a but you must be home for church... and I'm adjusting to a toddler learning to fall asleep in a bed (not getting out just not falling asleep as easily) and I'm balancing the need of a four year old to bring his new rolling back pack everywhere and the need to shop for tax free weekend.. I'm seeing my twelve year old fit into his father's size 13 sneakers..(based on an idea that I got from the Lord who told me I had shoes for Gideon already and didn't need to buy them and didn't know what He was talking about and in minutes watch as indeed it all played out but who would have thought my 12 year old would be able to wear my husband's shoes)
That is just one color… mom… maybe a bright beautiful blue
Enter into that Red… a woman who wants to be a good wife… a human being who sees every day amidst all that is going on with all that “blue” the man who this human being loves and adores and believes in and desires …. A woman in love with a man … a woman trying to balance the needs of husband as a man.. as a fellow child of God.. as a friend.. companion.. soul mate .. lover…
placing red onto that spinning wheel watching red mix with blue and create purple… purple.. a family spinning together… sibling relationships.. father son relationships.. father older daughter and son relationships… father toddler daughter and son relationships… mother son and daughter relationships.. older … younger…. As red hits the plate and mixes with the blue… instantly I realize that each child has their own shade… their own songs…. Some shades I know very well and some are mysteries… some shades within each child are multiple tones… complex intricate specific mixtures.. beautiful… spinning… spinning… spinning… spinning… spinning together…. Two adults… six human beings….
Enter in yellow…. Walking a walk in vocational ministry…. At times being called away to care about another while there are still seven human beings that in my world are of the utmost importance.. beyond any other…. Asking the Lord how to understand the fact that in some moments I leave one to go to another and learn trust… that as I go and bring that which He asks to another that He is balancing the spinning of the plates and that as I stay up late to get things done or wake up early to get things done that the lack of sleep won’t play out upon the lives of my beautiful blue spinning brightest spots upon my plate… my children…. Just the work part of ministry not the ministry part of ministry takes time…. And feeling the desire to not build a house that the Lord isn’t building but to do all that He is doing… to take time and wait and watch and linger and ponder that which impressions lead me to believe that I could see what the Father is indeed doing….
Plates spinning… colors merging.. pattern playing….
Enter in Green…. Within the same moments of having all that above spinning add a hungry.. hungry heart… a heart full of questions… a heart full of wonderment… a heart of a child who is longing to know her God and know Him well… This is sooooooooo very separate from the colors spinning of ministry…. And it isn’t a slight insignificant difference…. Here adding green is where all my life will be determined….
Before I fully realize that which I am even saying I realize that the green is everything… it is the determining factor of how I walk with blue… with children.. with red… with husband… with purple …with lives of a family swinging and merging and spinning off and coming back together… with yellow… with the work of the ministry…. Green becomes the foundation for it all… He .. Him alone… I am His before I am anything else… all else flows forth from that union… Abiding in the vine.. being the branch…
Trying to understand who He is and who we are and how we are to walk within a time that needs many a David to walk onto the battlefield facing Goliath… a Daniel who can walk into a lion’s den… A Rahab that can hide foreign spies at possible personal cost…. Fisherman willing to leave it all… A widow of Zarapareth willing to believe she indeed won’t perish… a child who offers up his lunch…. A centurion full of faith and an understanding of authority…. Those who know their God to rise up and do great exploits….
The plate and its spinning comes to an end and one sees how all the colors merged and spun and danced together to form one colored page that could never be duplicated…. Each one of us dancing and spinning with the colors of our lives upon the plate of our life … each of us with a song to sing.. a part to play… colors to embrace.. colors to dream about.. colors to learn with and desire… colors to wrestle with and spin with and play with….
This day has felt a tad like that spinning wheel....
When a combination of being a mom to a teenager and to a two year old and four in between collide.. and I'm saying yes to a sleepover but including a but you must be home for church... and I'm adjusting to a toddler learning to fall asleep in a bed (not getting out just not falling asleep as easily) and I'm balancing the need of a four year old to bring his new rolling back pack everywhere and the need to shop for tax free weekend.. I'm seeing my twelve year old fit into his father's size 13 sneakers..(based on an idea that I got from the Lord who told me I had shoes for Gideon already and didn't need to buy them and didn't know what He was talking about and in minutes watch as indeed it all played out but who would have thought my 12 year old would be able to wear my husband's shoes)
That is just one color… mom… maybe a bright beautiful blue
Enter into that Red… a woman who wants to be a good wife… a human being who sees every day amidst all that is going on with all that “blue” the man who this human being loves and adores and believes in and desires …. A woman in love with a man … a woman trying to balance the needs of husband as a man.. as a fellow child of God.. as a friend.. companion.. soul mate .. lover…
placing red onto that spinning wheel watching red mix with blue and create purple… purple.. a family spinning together… sibling relationships.. father son relationships.. father older daughter and son relationships… father toddler daughter and son relationships… mother son and daughter relationships.. older … younger…. As red hits the plate and mixes with the blue… instantly I realize that each child has their own shade… their own songs…. Some shades I know very well and some are mysteries… some shades within each child are multiple tones… complex intricate specific mixtures.. beautiful… spinning… spinning… spinning… spinning… spinning together…. Two adults… six human beings….
Enter in yellow…. Walking a walk in vocational ministry…. At times being called away to care about another while there are still seven human beings that in my world are of the utmost importance.. beyond any other…. Asking the Lord how to understand the fact that in some moments I leave one to go to another and learn trust… that as I go and bring that which He asks to another that He is balancing the spinning of the plates and that as I stay up late to get things done or wake up early to get things done that the lack of sleep won’t play out upon the lives of my beautiful blue spinning brightest spots upon my plate… my children…. Just the work part of ministry not the ministry part of ministry takes time…. And feeling the desire to not build a house that the Lord isn’t building but to do all that He is doing… to take time and wait and watch and linger and ponder that which impressions lead me to believe that I could see what the Father is indeed doing….
Plates spinning… colors merging.. pattern playing….
Enter in Green…. Within the same moments of having all that above spinning add a hungry.. hungry heart… a heart full of questions… a heart full of wonderment… a heart of a child who is longing to know her God and know Him well… This is sooooooooo very separate from the colors spinning of ministry…. And it isn’t a slight insignificant difference…. Here adding green is where all my life will be determined….
Before I fully realize that which I am even saying I realize that the green is everything… it is the determining factor of how I walk with blue… with children.. with red… with husband… with purple …with lives of a family swinging and merging and spinning off and coming back together… with yellow… with the work of the ministry…. Green becomes the foundation for it all… He .. Him alone… I am His before I am anything else… all else flows forth from that union… Abiding in the vine.. being the branch…
Trying to understand who He is and who we are and how we are to walk within a time that needs many a David to walk onto the battlefield facing Goliath… a Daniel who can walk into a lion’s den… A Rahab that can hide foreign spies at possible personal cost…. Fisherman willing to leave it all… A widow of Zarapareth willing to believe she indeed won’t perish… a child who offers up his lunch…. A centurion full of faith and an understanding of authority…. Those who know their God to rise up and do great exploits….
The plate and its spinning comes to an end and one sees how all the colors merged and spun and danced together to form one colored page that could never be duplicated…. Each one of us dancing and spinning with the colors of our lives upon the plate of our life … each of us with a song to sing.. a part to play… colors to embrace.. colors to dream about.. colors to learn with and desire… colors to wrestle with and spin with and play with….
I will not prophesy disaster... or ruin... nor do I say peace.. peace... For there is truly so much more to say.... Part two
A little while ago I wrote about that which I felt like people needed to hear in this day and in this time that we live in... I wrote that it didn't take a prophet to tell people that financial times of trouble were upon us or that natural disasters were happening. That people could watch for themselves their own bank accounts or CNN to find those things out.
For days now I have felt many things stirring in my heart and it started like this... I was driving out of our development .. heading out on some errands.. nothing special was on my mind and I was just driving towards the exit when I felt this impression upon my heart....
They will care about one another... neighbor to neighbor.. they will care about one another... one will have this and another will have that.. and they will care about one another....
I thought it strange and I paused at the stop sign longer than usually. Somewhat knowing that which the Father was wanting me to get a grasp of and somewhat waiting for more...
I lived on the outskirts of NYC during the preparation for the non event of Y2K. But amidst all the talk and all the speculation there was this call to be prepared for yourself... Store up and stack up and be prepared... the new year came and went and we all moved away from that... NO I am not telling you to go stack up and store up at all....
But as I sat by that stop sign... a sweet sweet presence of the Lord settled and I knew that once again there were things that weren't spectacular... weren't going to give me the prophetic word of the hour and all the hub bub that goes along with that... but that were true and were powerful and were tools for people to move through this time in life in a way that brings forth life and liberty and not fear...
In 1 Kings 17 we read the account of the widow giving up the last of what she had for Elijah. Instead of dying and not having enough.. they all ate..
8 Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, 9 “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” 10 So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” 11 As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” 12 But she said, “As the LORD your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.” 13 Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. 14 For thus says the LORD God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain on the face of the earth.’” 15 So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. 16 The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD which He spoke through Elijah.
Acts of faith.. that brought forth the capacity to feed more than possible .. longer than thought....
I sat there at that stop sign and thought about all the fear that gets put out there... lack of jobs.. lack of funds.. so much lack... and yet the promise of God is that those who seek Him will lack no good thing.... "But I need a job," " I need to provide food for my family," there is need out there... legitimate need...
In Psalm 34.. we read:
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
9 O fear the LORD, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.
10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
There is a peace that passes all understanding... and in this time and in this season of our lives we must treat living in that peace as a search for gold or precious jewels... it will be that which will keep us and guard us... Isaiah 26:3 tells us..
" You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You."
This is that that I will speak of and this is that which I will say... on the day of natural disasters would it not be a picture of who we are in Christ to speak as Jesus did to the storm on the Sea of Galilee and say to the trembling earth.. "peace be still.." and have it be so... on these days of financial hardship a picture of who we are in Christ is to take from our lack or to take from our plenty and seeing another in need know that we can supply that need for our need will be supplied when it comes time....
We must be of those who know their God.. I must be one who knows Him.. who knows that CNN and the world news does not get to rob my peace with all that is happening but that I can stand in a place and look into the eyes of my neighbor and say.. this is what I have... and give... and when I have nothing more to give than I can say.. "Silver and gold have I none but rise up and walk..." I want to know who I am in Him ... I need to know who I am in Him.. I want to take Him at His word and walk according to His ways and His truths and not back down to fear...
There is truly so much more to say than financial ruin and natural disasters are ahead of us.. more than the fact that there is so much more to say .. there truly is so much more to walk in....
May the peace that passes all understanding dwell deeply within all our hearts and guard our minds.. setting our hearts on things above .. on Jesus.. Father.. Holy Spirit... Citizens of another place living forth from that other place here upon the soil of the earth...
For days now I have felt many things stirring in my heart and it started like this... I was driving out of our development .. heading out on some errands.. nothing special was on my mind and I was just driving towards the exit when I felt this impression upon my heart....
They will care about one another... neighbor to neighbor.. they will care about one another... one will have this and another will have that.. and they will care about one another....
I thought it strange and I paused at the stop sign longer than usually. Somewhat knowing that which the Father was wanting me to get a grasp of and somewhat waiting for more...
I lived on the outskirts of NYC during the preparation for the non event of Y2K. But amidst all the talk and all the speculation there was this call to be prepared for yourself... Store up and stack up and be prepared... the new year came and went and we all moved away from that... NO I am not telling you to go stack up and store up at all....
But as I sat by that stop sign... a sweet sweet presence of the Lord settled and I knew that once again there were things that weren't spectacular... weren't going to give me the prophetic word of the hour and all the hub bub that goes along with that... but that were true and were powerful and were tools for people to move through this time in life in a way that brings forth life and liberty and not fear...
In 1 Kings 17 we read the account of the widow giving up the last of what she had for Elijah. Instead of dying and not having enough.. they all ate..
8 Then the word of the LORD came to him, saying, 9 “Arise, go to Zarephath, which belongs to Sidon, and stay there; behold, I have commanded a widow there to provide for you.” 10 So he arose and went to Zarephath, and when he came to the gate of the city, behold, a widow was there gathering sticks; and he called to her and said, “Please get me a little water in a jar, that I may drink.” 11 As she was going to get it, he called to her and said, “Please bring me a piece of bread in your hand.” 12 But she said, “As the LORD your God lives, I have no bread, only a handful of flour in the bowl and a little oil in the jar; and behold, I am gathering a few sticks that I may go in and prepare for me and my son, that we may eat it and die.” 13 Then Elijah said to her, “Do not fear; go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son. 14 For thus says the LORD God of Israel, ‘The bowl of flour shall not be exhausted, nor shall the jar of oil be empty, until the day that the LORD sends rain on the face of the earth.’” 15 So she went and did according to the word of Elijah, and she and he and her household ate for many days. 16 The bowl of flour was not exhausted nor did the jar of oil become empty, according to the word of the LORD which He spoke through Elijah.
Acts of faith.. that brought forth the capacity to feed more than possible .. longer than thought....
I sat there at that stop sign and thought about all the fear that gets put out there... lack of jobs.. lack of funds.. so much lack... and yet the promise of God is that those who seek Him will lack no good thing.... "But I need a job," " I need to provide food for my family," there is need out there... legitimate need...
In Psalm 34.. we read:
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
9 O fear the LORD, you His saints;
For to those who fear Him there is no want.
10 The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.
11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life
And loves length of days that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.
There is a peace that passes all understanding... and in this time and in this season of our lives we must treat living in that peace as a search for gold or precious jewels... it will be that which will keep us and guard us... Isaiah 26:3 tells us..
" You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You."
This is that that I will speak of and this is that which I will say... on the day of natural disasters would it not be a picture of who we are in Christ to speak as Jesus did to the storm on the Sea of Galilee and say to the trembling earth.. "peace be still.." and have it be so... on these days of financial hardship a picture of who we are in Christ is to take from our lack or to take from our plenty and seeing another in need know that we can supply that need for our need will be supplied when it comes time....
We must be of those who know their God.. I must be one who knows Him.. who knows that CNN and the world news does not get to rob my peace with all that is happening but that I can stand in a place and look into the eyes of my neighbor and say.. this is what I have... and give... and when I have nothing more to give than I can say.. "Silver and gold have I none but rise up and walk..." I want to know who I am in Him ... I need to know who I am in Him.. I want to take Him at His word and walk according to His ways and His truths and not back down to fear...
There is truly so much more to say than financial ruin and natural disasters are ahead of us.. more than the fact that there is so much more to say .. there truly is so much more to walk in....
May the peace that passes all understanding dwell deeply within all our hearts and guard our minds.. setting our hearts on things above .. on Jesus.. Father.. Holy Spirit... Citizens of another place living forth from that other place here upon the soil of the earth...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
As Holy Spirit spoke to me ... it was to "suspend reason" that caught my attention the most
sitting before You .... I am so very aware of Your presence... Your sweet tender kindnesses saturate the room and I am brought forth into a whole other place where perspective is solidly upon that which You say...
The other night it dawned on me that I have walked with Jesus for decades as I have gotten to know Him better.... I am about to turn 40 and I was saved at 19.... It took me longer to know how to lean upon the Father and just abide in the reality of who God is as Father is stunning and amazing and beautiful!!! So a few evenings ago I realized that while I have walked and ministered and spoken with Holy Spirit that He was inviting me into a season of knowing Him more... knowing His portion ... Knowing that which He brings .. knowing Him not just His fruit and His gifts but Him... and while all that is truly entwined I was excited at the invitation....
excited ... yes.. but also unsure... as I felt that the one thing I was going to be asked was to suspend reason..... to let go of that which I think I know of the physical and embrace that which He was just so full of delight over and eager to show me.... "Suspend reason.." hhhmmmm
But then I saw how He was tying in a teaching my husband would do concerning eternity with that which He was beginning and I could see how He was directing my path even before I knew that a path was emerging.....
Suspend reason... can a boys fish and loaves really feed 5000? Can a lame man arise and walk? Can a blind man see? Do fisherman who have been fishing all night really lower their nets magically one more time to catch more fish than their boats could contain? Suspend reason....
What gets to dictate what I believe... what I expect... what I desire.... when I allow His passion to direct that I step forward into a place of life and living that I couldn't have ever imagined existed...
I really don't know where exactly the Lord is leading me .. nor do I understand at all yet what it really means when He has asked for me to "suspend reason" but I'll tell you this my curiosity is completely peaked... and I am full of anticipation....
The other night it dawned on me that I have walked with Jesus for decades as I have gotten to know Him better.... I am about to turn 40 and I was saved at 19.... It took me longer to know how to lean upon the Father and just abide in the reality of who God is as Father is stunning and amazing and beautiful!!! So a few evenings ago I realized that while I have walked and ministered and spoken with Holy Spirit that He was inviting me into a season of knowing Him more... knowing His portion ... Knowing that which He brings .. knowing Him not just His fruit and His gifts but Him... and while all that is truly entwined I was excited at the invitation....
excited ... yes.. but also unsure... as I felt that the one thing I was going to be asked was to suspend reason..... to let go of that which I think I know of the physical and embrace that which He was just so full of delight over and eager to show me.... "Suspend reason.." hhhmmmm
But then I saw how He was tying in a teaching my husband would do concerning eternity with that which He was beginning and I could see how He was directing my path even before I knew that a path was emerging.....
Suspend reason... can a boys fish and loaves really feed 5000? Can a lame man arise and walk? Can a blind man see? Do fisherman who have been fishing all night really lower their nets magically one more time to catch more fish than their boats could contain? Suspend reason....
What gets to dictate what I believe... what I expect... what I desire.... when I allow His passion to direct that I step forward into a place of life and living that I couldn't have ever imagined existed...
I really don't know where exactly the Lord is leading me .. nor do I understand at all yet what it really means when He has asked for me to "suspend reason" but I'll tell you this my curiosity is completely peaked... and I am full of anticipation....
The evening before... in the dark hours before the dawn
I sat last night and I sit in the early morning hours of the day ... in the dark.. thinking about tomorrow.... there have been other nights like this...
Our oldest son was induced and so I remember sitting at a kitchen table hours before my husband and I would leave our apartment for the last time without having a child.. I remember sitting there at that table and writing him a letter... telling him about what it was like for me to think that in just a few hours I would be a mom, that in just a few hours I would touch his fingers and toes for the first time.. look into his eyes... behold him.. in the dark hours before the dawn I would sit there and dream of him... dream of what he would mean... dream and ache for him...
On the eve before he would turn one I would return to that table and think over the year.... think about the day he was born and how on the night before I had sat at that very table and thought of him.... how in a year's time I had watched this magnificent human being grow before my eyes... how I had learned the joys and the exhaustion of motherhood and how I had beheld miracle after miracle as I watched creation unfold before my very eyes...
Other evenings where in the dark hours before the dawn came to mind tonight... nights before moves, nights before surgeries,before weddings, before funerals... before other births.... nights before meetings that would change our lives... I have thought about all these milestones tonight... maybe because tonight is such a night...
Tomorrow that oldest child will purchase his first car... that child that on a different night I had wondered what it would feel like to touch his fingers.. to hear his voice.. to see his face... tomorrow he will sit in a car that he has bought and will continue his journey into manhood.... he is a fabulous young man and I adore the human being he is becoming...
I watch ... I watch the days of our children's lives play out before me.. and I wish I could grab each one and each moment and linger and hold on to it and keep it close.. I wonder as each day passes so very quickly about the times and seasons ahead and I hunger to appreciate and bless the moments ... at times I close my eyes and try to absorb all that the moments hold to allow their impression to make upon my person a mark... a mark that remembers the giggles.. the sweet cuddles.. the looks .. the silly sayings.. the inquisitive questions... the journey.....
On nights like these that precede a defining moment I have learned to take the time and appreciate what was and what is and dream of the what will "bes"....
And as I as a mom .. as a woman... as a girl.. as a daughter of God's sit here tonight in the dark hours before the dawn pondering what the tomorrows of my children's days are ... I think upon Him... the most perfect Abba God... I think of the dark hours before the proverbial dawns that He in His heart has remembered... the times before He spoke let there be light ... the moments before He brought forth Adam... the moments before He unleashed the flood... the moments before battles where He knew His precious people would be brought into captivity... The moments before time after time when He would know what was about to write itself upon the histories of men ... the moments before He as creator would be within a womb being knit and formed together...
Through historical accounting within the gospels we have glimpses of the dark hours before the dawning of a whole new world.... we have glimpses into the heart of a Savior.. a lover... a friend... We have the narrative of his dark hours that would lead to the day that would bring forth His death... A marking of time that would forever change that which was offered to mankind...
There have been many dark hours before many dawns where I have wondered what exactly the day will bring... what emotions.. what transactions... what moments.... I rarely feel ready... I always have questions... I contemplate and turn my anxieties and concerns over to the One who cares for me... I sit... I linger... I am quiet and allow the stillness and solitude of these dark hours to have their way... so that as the dawn comes and as the day begins its course of unfolding while still not fully ready I walk into the day leaning... leaning on Him who knows dark hours before the dawns of the ages.. and whose wisdom and counsel and might and tenderness is supplied in more abundance than I could even think to ask for or imagine....
Our oldest son was induced and so I remember sitting at a kitchen table hours before my husband and I would leave our apartment for the last time without having a child.. I remember sitting there at that table and writing him a letter... telling him about what it was like for me to think that in just a few hours I would be a mom, that in just a few hours I would touch his fingers and toes for the first time.. look into his eyes... behold him.. in the dark hours before the dawn I would sit there and dream of him... dream of what he would mean... dream and ache for him...
On the eve before he would turn one I would return to that table and think over the year.... think about the day he was born and how on the night before I had sat at that very table and thought of him.... how in a year's time I had watched this magnificent human being grow before my eyes... how I had learned the joys and the exhaustion of motherhood and how I had beheld miracle after miracle as I watched creation unfold before my very eyes...
Other evenings where in the dark hours before the dawn came to mind tonight... nights before moves, nights before surgeries,before weddings, before funerals... before other births.... nights before meetings that would change our lives... I have thought about all these milestones tonight... maybe because tonight is such a night...
Tomorrow that oldest child will purchase his first car... that child that on a different night I had wondered what it would feel like to touch his fingers.. to hear his voice.. to see his face... tomorrow he will sit in a car that he has bought and will continue his journey into manhood.... he is a fabulous young man and I adore the human being he is becoming...
I watch ... I watch the days of our children's lives play out before me.. and I wish I could grab each one and each moment and linger and hold on to it and keep it close.. I wonder as each day passes so very quickly about the times and seasons ahead and I hunger to appreciate and bless the moments ... at times I close my eyes and try to absorb all that the moments hold to allow their impression to make upon my person a mark... a mark that remembers the giggles.. the sweet cuddles.. the looks .. the silly sayings.. the inquisitive questions... the journey.....
On nights like these that precede a defining moment I have learned to take the time and appreciate what was and what is and dream of the what will "bes"....
And as I as a mom .. as a woman... as a girl.. as a daughter of God's sit here tonight in the dark hours before the dawn pondering what the tomorrows of my children's days are ... I think upon Him... the most perfect Abba God... I think of the dark hours before the proverbial dawns that He in His heart has remembered... the times before He spoke let there be light ... the moments before He brought forth Adam... the moments before He unleashed the flood... the moments before battles where He knew His precious people would be brought into captivity... The moments before time after time when He would know what was about to write itself upon the histories of men ... the moments before He as creator would be within a womb being knit and formed together...
Through historical accounting within the gospels we have glimpses of the dark hours before the dawning of a whole new world.... we have glimpses into the heart of a Savior.. a lover... a friend... We have the narrative of his dark hours that would lead to the day that would bring forth His death... A marking of time that would forever change that which was offered to mankind...
There have been many dark hours before many dawns where I have wondered what exactly the day will bring... what emotions.. what transactions... what moments.... I rarely feel ready... I always have questions... I contemplate and turn my anxieties and concerns over to the One who cares for me... I sit... I linger... I am quiet and allow the stillness and solitude of these dark hours to have their way... so that as the dawn comes and as the day begins its course of unfolding while still not fully ready I walk into the day leaning... leaning on Him who knows dark hours before the dawns of the ages.. and whose wisdom and counsel and might and tenderness is supplied in more abundance than I could even think to ask for or imagine....
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