Your Intentions are Beautiful

Gratitude surrounds me daily as I look to the heavens and realize all that He has done

Your strong arm of righteousness bulges around me and transforms all that I touch and see….. Who is like you? Oh King of Heaven… there is none… There is none that is like you in all the Earth and so when you manifest upon the Earth oh how everything stands at attention and yearns to be made new…..

You are perfect in majesty… astonishing authority … brilliant in your love

Whatever you touch is made new and whatever you focus upon is made beautiful….

Father it is my life’s greatest pleasure to be your daughter… It is my greatest joy to be loved by you and to be able to love you back… It is my greatest fondness when upon your face I look and my greatest delight as I watch your gaze and watch you looking at me and see your eyes and see your love that lives within that glance….. You are amazing… Father… oh dearest Father of all creation and all that ever was or will be…. That you know me as intricately as you know me… silences me and causes me to stand in awe…..

This season of walking with you is transforming the way I think about the limitations of time… and I realize that you and your presence and our kingdom are never even a breath away…. I am changed by your daily awakening towards this reality and an enjoyment of being loved by you increases moment by moment…. I get lost in You so often… get lost in your thoughts and your ways…. Being pulled further and further in … while I see you keeping all that I am and all that you thought of when you thought of me together.. I see what you intentioned for me to be… who you intentioned I was… what you intentioned for this expression … and I love you.. I love who you intended for me to be… I love that you have brought more and more to this place… that you have wiped away all that was other and that you have called forth me… you and I … You in me and I in you…

I had once sat in front of a mirror and during a season of life wondered and wondered what was so wrong with me.... and while those days live in the memories of mind... that you have brought me to these moments and shown me and empowered me to be what you intended always... humbles me to the core of all that I am...

Thank you Father... Thank you... Thank you for Your son... and thank you for transforming me and calling me forth... I love you ... I love you with all that I am....

your love is my undoing and I am totally undone....

Walking upon the shorelines of this world... hands reaching across the divide... glorious time with you ... in your presence is the fullness of joy and the truest form of myself emerges... When beyond all that would separate us You step forth, and back into a world you walked upon you come.... You come with a love so strong that if you willed it the very earth you walked upon would melt away....... mountains surely do melt like wax before you... then how .. how my Lord can I stand... and yet it is the very love which would melt me down to nothing that enables my form to keep shape.....

You are my All in All.... there is none like you... you bear the weight of all that would burden one upon the Earth and you call us earth bound ones forth to walk with you and work with you and learn from you ... Your meekness and your strength... I simply yearn to sit with you and never move from this hour.... I get lost within these moments when your grace touches upon flesh and all is made new..........

A hunger for a time when these moments don't slip away as if through fingers roars from my heart... and yet even in that longing how do I not realize that though the manifestation of Your presence may change... You are always closer then the very next breath....

My dearest Brother... Lord ... Father.... Friend... Comforter... Living within your shadow and under your watch is my greatest delight.... sheltered by your strength and kept by your love I live... drowned by your affections ... renewed by your delight.... our hearts entwined for the ages.. simply never apart.. My Lord... My Love... oh dearest.. How? How do I form the words to place upon your ears and your heart.... Through and by your grace I speak and through and by your grace I stand in this moment ... so ever together... my words ... your words.... my ears.. your ears.. my heart ... your heart....

That the expression of the Father's heart found its form in You is stunning.... Your eyes.. Your gaze... Your touch... stunning .... and that You being the very expression of the Father melts me before you ... Your love is my undoing and I am totally undone....

You are My Home

As the story goes my husband’s family has lived on the same piece of land since the French and Indian War. In Middletown, NY on Kirbytown rd and they are the Kirbys. My mother in law has lived on the same road all her life. I grew up in and around the cities of the North living here and there… 18 months one place and up to 5 years another. When I calculate the moves I have done with Jim they are numerous. From coast to coast and up and down the East coast we have moved nine times within six states.

Besides my husband’s family I know of several families who have spent their lifetimes in one place… and while I am appreciative for all the experiences we have had in all our times and places I have a whimsical thought life as it pertains to place and history with a place and people. I think about the roads I know that exist within New Jersey .. oh so close to The City… I think of the FDR or the roads in and around Boston… I think of the highways that run North to South and have brought us here to Fort Mill and carry us home to the Northeast. I think of streets where houses that we have lived in exist and the neighborhoods where my memories float on the wind.

We have been in the Fort Mill area now for over four years and I love that there is now a familiar tone to roads that I have traveled….. Knowing short cuts or which road cuts in where and making decisions on which one way of many I should go…..

Why this trip down this road this morning…..

There are places and people where we are the most of who we are when we stand in and among them…… and yet I feel a push to transcend all that would be comfortable … all that would be cherished and familiar …. I feel a request upon my life towards transparency and a push towards having a heart unshielded by any guard…. Not a reckless place nor a place that has no boundaries but a request upon my very being to walk unshielded and unguarded… to live in the moment, as if surrounded by those whose love for me has history, all the time. And while I feel like I have journeyed into this land of trust and transparency I can feel the Father and see Him gently shaking His head and know that truly I have not….

I have measured my risks…. I have contemplated my openness…. I have chosen to choose transparency in moments but I have not lived there… I know what it feels like when I know I am surrounded by those whose love for me brings me into a place where the truest of who I am flies upon the winds and wings of freedom and I am who I was always made to me……

Love generously without self protection… without care to other’s thoughts or opinions or guesses on motive or person…… The Father asking me to launch into a life that sees Him and knows that at every moment I am surrounded by His arms and His wings and at every moment I am in the place of being truly loved more than I could ever imagine… that because I walk with Him I am never in an unfamiliar place… because I reside in His shadow I am always home….. He is calling me to life as a daughter….. and nothing more….. to live every moment within the reality of my identity in Him and to trust His love that blankets me and creates a warmth and familiarity that pushes me towards all that I am to be…

May I have the courage to walk here dearest Father….. grant me the courage to only have eyes for you and to know that in every moment I am surrounded by a love so vast and so strong and so capable that of course I am safe … and of course I am surrounded by familiar You….. You who know me so intricately… and love me so well….. I do not do this yet …. I do shield and protect and watch and wait and linger… but Father… Your wooing is pulling me in and towards Your heart I journey…

I love you Lord… You are only ever so good to me ….. I love Your smile and Your delight…. They cause me to rise up as on wings of eagles and take flight upon the winds of Your presence….. where we dance and dance and dance together every step of this life while time and eternity have us sometimes physically apart there is never a breathe that actually has us separate… You are to me All….. You are my place… My history.. My road that I have lived upon.. You are my home… You are my forever home

A Whisper that became a roar... that became a declaration.. that has saved my life

What is man that You take thought of him,
And the son of man that You care for him?
Psalm 8:4
Today I have placed myself in the hugeness of God... today I have sought refuge in and shelter in and protection in Your shadows.... I have run to you... clung to you.... hidden myself within you.... You are my most dear sanctuary. I have hungered for your overshadowing presence to cover me.... I have basked in your love as the sweetest safest haven from all that is other.......

Today I have come to you and known that you think of me.. and care for me... protect me... shelter me.. overshadow me.. me.... so very other than you and yet you take thought of me..... that you oh mighty one care for me .. that you enter into my space... that you come and stand next to me declaring that I am yours ...

You amaze me... you constantly amaze me

Sheer ... full honesty....

I have known He has wanted me to write all day but I have not known how to or what to say... sheer .. full honesty ... transparency... vulnerability.... those are roads that I find myself upon... But then you make it easy.... As I take the first step and sit down and say ok... I will write.. I will write today... I will write tonight... I will sit down and put my fingers to my "piano" of sorts... close my eyes and let the words come forth......

You came to me as I took the slightest step towards your wishes... you came in strength and in declaration.... as I sat down and began to write .. the day's events and how to piece them together to convey what I felt was on your heart flooded me.... Sitting... typing... erasing... typing again.. erasing again.... struggling to piece together the words that would convey your heart beat..... You will be my undoing... oh so glad... oh so glad..... undo me ... undo me all you want...

In the middle of my struggle to bring forth words... You ... the very word... appear as you do within my heart and you stand beside me in your strength and I can feel you... I can tell you are being all you are.... and that which you are doing undoes me even further.... I am but a puddle before you..

You've known my day.. you understand these days.. you know all my days... and this evening you come to me and stand beside me and in your strength and in your pleasure and in all that you are ... you stand and declare that I am yours..... that I am yours .... You declare it as a war cry.... you declare it as a passionate yell... you declare it with the roar of lion.. you declare it with the whispers of the wind.... I am yours...... I am yours.... "She is mine"... you have made it your declaration... you have placed yourself between me and all that is other ...... standing beyond you .. within the shadow you create... within the tower of your presence .. within the refuge that you are.... You shout out ... You declare... SHE IS MINE........

And on a day during a season that holds historical memories of things that would be better off left within the abyss of forgetfulness... You show me so very clearly that which the cross did..

"And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:15

The cross stands between us and all that is other... the cross stands as the reality of a Father's heart and a Savior's affections... The cross stands and screams out to the powers and authorities.... He is mine... She is mine.....

Your broken body instead of my broken body... Your sacrifice instead of my sacrifice ... Your death instead of my death.. your condemnation instead of my condemnation... You... You... disarming the powers and authorities... You triumphing over them.... You making a way ... a way away from death... destruction...

Yes... tonight I stand in Your presence so completely humbled how mindful you are of me.... tonight I sit in your shadow as Yours.... breathing in the air that that reality brings with it..... I stand in your victory over all that is evil... and my Lord.. I say thank you.... it is but a small thing.. but you know my heart.... I say thank you.. I allow you to scoop me up into your arms and hide me within you and rest in the knowledge that I am yours... I need be nothing else ..... ever.... I long to be nothing else.... thank you.. thank you.. thank you.. thank you that I belong to the very one who makes all things new and protects that which He calls His own......

Thank you.. that a whisper became a roar and became a declaration and saved my life.....

A bedtime game ... an open door.... an invitation

Putting Gregory to bed tonight and a door open unexpectedly. We have a queen size bed under a bunk bed and Gregory shares a room with Gideon. I was laying on the queen size bed and Gregory was up on his bed. We were playing a silly game of "toes play date" or as it is better known "footsies." Each of the kids came in and laid on the bed with me and play "toes play date" with Gregory... Stretching our legs up and having our toes "kiss." Lots of laughter and giggles....

As all was winding down and I was settling Gregory to head to sleep there was a moment that caught my heart off guard... The Father whispering to me, " I love this boy." For someone who loves words and conveying the truest of meanings through combining this word with that word I found myself at a loss for words........ I sat in the presence of the lingering whispers and towards His presence was drawn...... He shared His love of my son with me... He shared His heart for my son and in those moments I saw my boy not as mine... not as belonging to me but as an object of God's deepest affections...... As I continue to sit in the light of these moments I feel the weight of them bearing down upon my heart and my mind....

My children .... are His children... and I have lived with that understanding .. the whole notion of releasing them into His care and His presence so that they find their own relationship with Him... of course.... But in hearing His heart for Gregory tonight... in sensing His truest delight over that sweet little boy... over looking at Gregory's face in light of the words from the Father's heart something came into my core and I don't think I will ever view my four year old or the other kids in the same manner ever again....

but even more as I heard Him speak His affections towards my son I realized that those affections are so beyond any scope of the imagination and in that vastness I lost myself in the deepest place of love .......... a love that knows no boundaries... no limitations... no weakness....... A love so mighty and so powerful... a love... love... a love that pulsates through and through the atmosphere and changes everything that it touches... a love so incredible.. so magnificent.. so majestic.... so transforming..... a love that stretches out and beckons to all those that can hear even the slightest of its whispers while yet also simultaneously existing as an alarmingly thunderous roar. It is always present... It is always strong.. It is always willing and able to act and to move..... a love... A God so beautiful ... so beyond any word.... Except He is the Word... the very Word... all Words.... He is that He is.... beautiful... glorious.... amazing... Him... Love....

The door was open... the Father's voice had filled the air ... the invitation given.... You can love like this.... You can love like this... Will you?

I can picture you leaving all and getting away.  My heart easily imagines you and He spending time. The love and affection passing so thoroughly between you both. 

Did you weep together with the disappointments and sorrows of the day? Did you smile and laugh and enjoy the days beauty? Did you converse together about the amazing absolutely stunning moments?  Did the centurion make his way into your conversations? 
Or Peter, Mary or John? 

I can picture the joy that passed between you as in all that you are you knew.  You knew all that each would become. Together you overlooked momentary lapses because you knew.  You knew who they would be. You knew who we all would be. You knew.  You know.  You know all that can become.  And you wait. Your patience unending.  

Yes. Jesus I can picture at the end of your day you leaving all behind to be with  Him.  I can as easily picture His absolute pleasure and anticipation of those moments.  

I can picture every moment of every day your awareness of Him as you paid absolute attention to His desires. His desires were everything.  His desires directed your every step.  His desires directed every thought. Every move.  

Perfection. Oneness. 

May my life mirror your determination to thoroughly make His desires all your own.  In Oneness and unity there are no limitations. 

Woke up this morning to a picture of am umbrella. So many thoughts...... 

As the picture stayed within me those thoughts turned to a realization.  I am about to turn 39. And am not concerned about turning 40 at all.  I said earlier that I am only getting better with age.  And though those that heard my statement laughed I wondered about the truest implications of that which I said.  

As I thought this morning the understanding that it has almost been two decades of walking away from the first two decades of my life came upon my heart and mind and stayed there.  

Healing is a process. Overcoming is a journey.  And then you have your suddenlys.  Or maybe it isn't a suddenly but it is a moment where choice and God collide.  

I have had to make numerous choices to leave the past behind but even with that it has still come up and presented itself.  In the way I dealt with stress or at times even simple living. 

I think the difference that has now entered my being came from a time of being told that if I could know who I was and know who God was..... Well isn't that self explanatory.  But though the words could be said the journey there was what I wondered about. 

Until two things happened...... First I know I came to a place where after two decades of walking in deeper and deeper freedom I encountered ministry that fundamentally attacked lies I had believed about the Father. Truth was spoken attached to such an amazing love that a capacity to believe on a deeper level entered my being.   So  I was able to begin  to choose to believe He is who He says and was empowered to do so in a way that I had not reached before.  

I know He has lovingly walked with me through the process of becoming these last two decades.  And I know there have been others that have as well.  One of the biggest changes that has occurred is that I have chosen to believe all He says about Himself. And in so doing have truly attached myself to Him as a plumb line. 


He is my all in all.  Daily.... Moment by moment I encounter a God..... A Father who adores me .... Who delights in me... Who cares for me..... Moment by moment I interact with the creator of all that there is and yet His heart is ravished by one glance of my eye.  


To say the choice became easy negates the decades of harm and destruction and then rebuilding. But seeing what the choice was is what made it easy. I could stand or sit or wallow in mud or I could walk engulfed in the presence of One whose love knows how to wash that all away. 


I guess what I hunger to scream out to all who would listen is that the agonies that we encounter or have encountered in life were carried upon the body of our Lord as He breathed out and it was finished.  There is no place that is better to walk than under the canopy of the umbrella of that truth.  

Sitting here and you walk towards me. I watch you as you come near. I walk up to you and fall into your embrace.  My head nestled  into your chest. You bring me in even closer. I feel your hands upon my back. Holding me next to You. I push away. Not because I actually want to move but because the yearning to look upon your hands... To hold them in mine... To trace your scars with my finger.  You know and acknowledge the desire that fills my heart and without words passing between us your hands are in mine..... 

As I hold them I truly hold them.... I can't bring myself to look up into Your eyes though I know that that is what You long for me to do.  

Tears streaming down my face I will myself to look up and there..... There is Your gaze..... There is the look I knew I would see ..... And I am undone.  Completely. Totally undone.  And back into Your arms I fall.  Your strength .... Flowing into my body like liquid honey.  You steady me.  And I am strengthened.  You pour Your love upon me and I am made new.  

You are truly the Lover of my soul. My greatest delight. I get lost within you...... Within Your gaze.  

Thank you. Thank you. Adoration soars. I love you. 

I was promised that day.................................

In that moment he promised me I would know where to go…. When those words were even spoken I did not comprehend the most incredible gift that was about to be given. More than any wealth… More than any possible possession I was about to receive a gift whose worth could never be measured … A treasure that would burst within my heart like a continuous firework show… bringing awe and beauty and light and color to my very existence…..

Over a Decade earlier I stood at a meeting and watched as my sweet Jesus pulled back a veil and introduced me to the Father…… months earlier I had woken from a dream that had ended with a phone call from my father… that had been the dream the Father calling… I had so desperately wanted there to be more of a conversation and yet it was just meant to be the beginning…….. A call of sorts…. So funny… I so enjoy the play on words that He walks me through….

Hands …… at the hands of others my life had been put on a path of nothing less than destruction….. year after year I walked as hands tore apart the landscape of life…. Hands….. ten fingers….. the intention of their creation was not that they would cause harm…. But that they would be tools.. tools to hold things… tools to be able to work with…. Tools to be able to love with…..

Hearts….. upon my heart nothing was written ….. no capacity to be able to receive “father” in any use of the word that didn’t invoke terror... sorrow …. pain …..

Hands….. at the hands of others a life was restored….. hands held a cripple up ….. hands ….. a physical manifestation of the Lord and His grace and mercy…. Hands brought forth bandages wrapped in the balm of Gilead and wrapped up wounds and cleaned out infection…. Hands made all the difference as blessings were spoken they held and comforted and I was shown what hands were always meant to be..

Hearts…… upon my heart was written care, compassion, love….. a capacity to be able to receive a Father in all sense of the word was brought forth….

I was promised I would know where to go… I was assured that the tools I had used to create a safe world for myself were just a counterfeit to the amazing capacity of finding a safe hiding place in the Father…. As those words were spoken I had no idea how transformative they would become…. But the seeds of those words found their way onto hungry soil and began their growth and revolution….

A mighty revolution within my heart……. A determination to only believe that which He is is what He is… a complete fascination with His capacity to love and protect and cherish….. Oh that He is that which He is … seems like I am living in a dream world that is too good to be true… and yet daily only gets better….. not the situations in life… not the cares or concerns…. But they hold no weight in the light of the knowledge of being loved by a Father who is so fully, fundamentally, completely all and everything that any child would ever want……..His beauty enraptures me … His kindness undoes me…. His strength leaves me in awe…..

Sang the song at church this past week… that we would have clean hands and a pure heart and would not lift them up to an idol… Those melodies have followed me all week. There is no substitute that could ever explode onto the scene and grant life and liberty …… There is no substitute that could ever cherish and not steal…. That could ever heal and not harm…… The Father’s heart roars out against those things that we would take to ourselves like a golden calf and hold to our bosom….. His jealousy is not for Himself but for a child that is playing in mud instead of dancing on golden roads…..

The world grows strangely dimmer every day as the Father lifts my focus to His face.. His eyes.. His heart… His hands….. as the golden roads of my Father pave out in front of me the most glorious of paths…. To be loved… to be genuinely cherish and adored by Him….

I wasn’t promised riches that day but I was given wealth beyond comparison…. I was brought to a place where I most certainly knew where to go….. To the feet.. to the shadow… to the tower …. To all that is all that is Him…. I never believed that He would do something so fundamental that would ever cause me to stop wishing for a different story of life….. but He came for the sick…. And it is said that those that have known need … great need… will know great joy…. And there isn’t a moment … I pause and close my eyes knowing what all those moments were… BUT there isn’t a moment that I would care to do differently … for they serve me now… they serve me now that I know the depths of depravity and yet against the heights of love they are mere puddles……

My Father's Kingdom is Vast and Everyone Can Play

I love times when within His presence His wisdom and His ways manifest and alongside them grace and mercy….. I remember the time many years ago when He spoke to me about how He is never impressed with His power… that His capacity to do something never leaves Him stunned that He was able to do that which He wanted…. I remember how He had asked me what I thought did impress Him… and I remember His answer…… It is impressive to the Lord when we love one another… when out of our will flows a choice to love Him and love those that surround us daily…. When Love is manifested within our beings and we walk within it that is impressive… that leaves the Father’s heart blessed….

Today lessons were taught that continued along those lines and walking with Him has never felt so free……. As I continue to walk forward letting His heart for His daughters role in and out of my being and walk the roads He places me upon I hear the beating of a Father’s heart that longs for a people to believe more of the truth of what He says than the lies that the world or our enemy would say…..

The aspect of His kingdom and its vastness…. That there is a place and purposes for all that walk within and reside within its being…….. the issues He was leading me through today were about His Kingdom… that it is not too small … that there is room for all…… that there is no need ever to cling to a calling or a job He has placed in front of us….. There is never a need to become territorial over a task or an opportunity or a position….. If there is a season for us to walk in something then it is a season and we must walk… but we must never take ownership in the way that any of it would ever belong to us……

There is freedom in that place not fear…… if for soulish reasons or needs we lay ahold of something and that which we lay ahold of becomes more to us then our Dearest Lord we must reevaluate…. Of course we would say but it is a sneaky thing….. it does not blare out and it does not happen so blatantly that we could obviously see that which is happening… For if it did we would for the most part halt our insanity….. It is rather a slow process… a slow walk towards self importance….. a slow holding on and hanging on … a slow losing of our true selves and a slow adhering to a falseness that only glorifies the soulish nature at best and our enemy at worst…….

We must allow a transparency within ourselves to be questioned.. we must sit before the Father and look and watch and wait to see that which He does…. That is the only true methodology that will protect us from even ourselves… If Jesus being who He was did not act or speak outside of what He saw the Father doing … how much more should we adhere to that principle…. If Moses refused to go forward but by the presence.. THE PRESENCE of the Lord MUST also go before the paths we walk…. Too many houses built in vanity…… Too many towers…..

Yet how glorious to partner and work with God…. In the message my favorite verse is written so wonderfully that it brings great joy every time I read it…. Matthew 11:28-30

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Walk with me and work with me… I love that line….. Unforced rhythms of grace….. Phenomenal…. I keep that one line in a frame upon my desk… Unforced Rhythms of Grace…… marvelous….. His Kingdom affords all of us opportunities…. Everyday… to love one another.. to serve one another… to love Him….. how wonderful…. How awesome a life….. everyone gets to play in the Father’s house… everyone gets to belong… gets to be…. Gets to be wanted.. needed….. everyone has a part to play… a role… a voice… a song…… everyone…… all…… not exclusivity but we all are included in His heart beat…….. what a wonderful sound… what a joyous truth…… what an amazing God!!!

A duet of the ages.....

Oh that these keys were musical ones and so when upon them my fingers leaped and danced the beautiful melodies of music would surround me. I close my eyes while I write and I hear the keys bringing forth the words that come down upon the screen.

At the very thought of you... those lyrics play within my soul and I can hear you sing them to me as I sing them back to you and then the remembrance of a daughter and father duet and I am undone.... You walk me down paths to then bring me to truths or realizations that so set everything about me to flight.... Father you amaze me and I am finding myself continually stunned by how your love plays out upon the landscape of my day to day life....

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The little ordinary things that everyone ought to do
I'm living in a kind of daydream
I'm happy as a king
And foolish though it may seem
To me that's everything


The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love



The mere idea of you, the longing here for you
You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near to you
I see your face in every flower
Your eyes in stars above
It's just the thought of you
The very thought of you, my love

Behind me is left the ways of man and the ways man think your kingdom should run... I am intoxicated by your love ... undone... and yet rebuilt in the most magnificent of ways.... How dare I put my hand to a plow that belongs to you and think it needs to be anything other than that which you have made it....

Your presence draws and brings and causes wonderment. May I be one that it splashes forth out of .... May your light and your presence so overtake me that wherever my feet may roam you go before and after ..... You ... You are all I know.... One thing has lifted my soul from the pit.. One thing ..... Your display of affection... Your determination to love...... The untapped potential of simply living a life of love and allowing you to then do that which you do most beautifully.....

The very thought of you..... I'm living in a kind of daydream..... and foolish though it may seem ... to me that's everything..... The mere idea of you... the longing here for you.......

My Father..... my Father.... my Father... oh if those words could only fully convey the joy of knowing that you are my Father.... that the word "my" exists before such a reality as you...... Father... that that word doesn't haunt or terrify but causes a smile to be brought and glued upon my face.....

I thoroughly enjoy walking these moments with you .. these times with you..... and as I write them I feel the song welling up of a daughter and a father singing together... singing a love song of the ages... looking at one another with affection and adoration and enjoying one another..... I love being enjoyed by you... I most definitely love enjoying you.... the game of I love you more begins and yet I most truly know that you win.... you win every time... but in you winning .. I win.. and then again we are back on that circle of never ending, all encompassing, most fascinating love.......

Moments that live so very deep within... with the most deep sense of gratitude I share.... You have loved me and I have been loved

The plane was landing in Roanoke. I sat back into the seat and looked down. A sense of homecoming filled me and as the plane touched down and began to make its way over to the terminal I thought to myself that this is what it must feel like to come home. The familiar sights of the concourse… the sense of anticipation of seeing those I loved and knew loved me…. an unfamiliar feeling settled into me and the joy of coming home was upon me.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I sat in the chair and watched… I watched as they talked to one another, lively discussed topics with one another, barbequed food together, laughed, yelled, joked with one another …. I sat in their driveway on a lawn chair and just watched them be a family…. And in those watchings a hope and a hunger was born…… an understanding that it isn’t in the doing together as much as the being together …. Being together in all our little things that make us us….. and as I watched them I realized an aspect of being human that had never dawned on me before….. and I saw people just simply living and delighting in each other and just being together…. I realized that we are truly stronger when we are not alone… when we are loved.. and surrounded by those that love us we are stronger… we are better… we are more alive…..
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I pulled up to the building and I sat there…. I got out and went over to it and just ran my hand along the siding… touching the door… closing my eyes I could see other times I had been there.. I could hear the voices of the moments that had past and I smiled….. So often I had run to this place… so often I had hungered for this place… so often I had dreamed and thought of and remembered and now I was here again…. Inside were faces… familiar and full of love… inside were treasured memories of rooms and sights that I had taken in… I could tell you all about all the times I had stood in the all the different places I had stood and how I had been taken in and changed by the love that filled that building……
I could hear the voices of the ones that loved me… see their faces…. And I entered the building and began to see them again and hear them again… the history of having been loved by them mixed with the delight of currently sharing space with them and I knew their love…. And I felt very much at home… in a place where I could dwell and in a place where I could breath
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For me these moments live earnestly so very deep within…. These moments I do not take lightly or tread carelessly upon…. I was an adult that felt like a child inside and these moments taught me about life in the very way a child should learn about life but yet I wasn’t a child…… being welcomed and wanted and included and loved…… these moments and the people within them served as a ladder for me to climb upon.. to climb away from all I had known into a wondrous new life….. I have brothers and sisters.. mothers and fathers…. Dearest of friends and companions…. Treasures… I have been added to and not taken from…. I have been walked next to and carried…. I was taught to truly breath and was given the space to learn how to do so…….. I was known and in being known I was loved, received, accepted….. I was known and in being known I learned to live in grace and mercy…… And they have followed me all the days of my life and I can dwell in the house of the Lord.. my Father forever and ever……

The Most Incredible of Home Comings

At the very thought of you a smile forms upon my face and the recollection of our conversation earlier fills me with a warmth and fullness that only continues to form that smile…..

You said that there would have been days… whole seasons that if I had known where your house was I would have been on the opposite side of the continent… or as far away from it as I could manage to get myself…. The delight in your voice as you told me how you viewed this occasion startled me and only caused me to love you all the more.

I had come on my own…. Past the trees and the woods that led up to the pathway…. And having approached that pathway with the glittering white stones I paused… I paused to look up and beyond the path… beyond the front lawns lay your house….. I stood there and stood there and looked….. It was your house….. Your home … and you were there…… I steadied myself as to not run but brought my pace up to a brisk .. very brisk walk…… smiling the whole way up to the door… I loved this door…

The big old wooden door…… There had been so many times where I had stood there and not gone in …. so many times I stood there only to then sit down upon the entrance way ……. This time my hand just so naturally slipped to the handle and I pushed the door open…. I was home…. I didn’t even put my stuff down purposefully… didn’t even make sure that it was neatly placed anywhere… my backpack just slid off my shoulder and onto the floor as my eyes made their way over to the stairwell….. I belonged… this was my home and I knew it….. with everything that was within me … I knew it…. Again I just paused… and stood… swallowed…. And went forward reaching for the banister that led up to the room where I knew you would be…..

I took the steps and thoughts of you filled my heart with utter delight…. I closed my eyes and that smile upon my face seemed like it was glued there and only continued to get bigger and bigger…. The solid joy that filled my heart at the thought of looking into your eyes amazingly overwhelmed me….

And then… then I was at your door…. .. It was just slightly ajar… and through it I peeked and could see the edge of your desk….. and the thought of seeing you in just a mere second filled the core of everything I am and as I entered your room…. You turned… locking eyes I melted… and your love coursed over me and your joy shattered me and I knew I was yours…. And the sense of wholeness that saturated my being as we held our gaze.. I will never forget……. And the words that you spoke have changed me forever….. That moment when you opened your mouth and began to speak … that moment will live in my heart all the moments of all my days…. And then your words… your words flooded over me like the breaking of the dawn upon the darkness of the night….


I stood there next to you … receiving all that you said to me in that moment…. And I knew… I knew I would never be the same ….. For I had tasted what being your daughter.. being yours.. belonging to you tasted like and as I stood there in your presence... as I stood there looking at you and you looking at me as the silence filled the space and the love and joy and grace and mercy and adoration saturated the atmosphere…. I knew … I knew you had brought me from so far away… from a place where terror of what had represented you had melted away forever…. And that in you and that in your presence truly was the fullness of joy…. And I belonged to it… I belonged to the joy…. I belonged to you….. for I was your daughter… always… and you had always been Father… always been longing for me… always been watching me… always been holding me… always been counting me among your treasure….. and now… now we just get to enjoy one another…. For you promised… “I will be their God and they will be my people….” I get to be yours all the moments of these times I walk upon this soil… and then I get to be yours all the days and all the moments I walk …………………………………………………….